What is so ‘filthy’ and ‘unnatural’ about reproductive sex, Pakistan?

Published: September 9, 2016

We must educate our youth about respecting their partners and it being okay to expect the same in return. PHOTO: REUTERS

A close friend of mine recently had an STI (sexually transmitted infection) scare. Despite being in excruciating pain, she was scared to ask her husband how she got the infection. After a few days of discomfort and suffering, she consulted a doctor who put her mind to rest by confirming that she had a yeast infection because of diabetes. But during this whole episode, I was surprised to find out how ignorant she was about sexual health.

First, she was adamant that she couldn’t get an STI from her husband because he was absolutely fine, which is irrelevant and factually incorrect because some STIs are asymptomatic – meaning the person who has the infection don’t show any symptoms. Second, after ruling out her husband, she suspected getting the infection from a toilet since it was shared between her and a relative. This wasn’t the first time I had heard an absurdly naive theory about how people get STIs in Pakistan. I remember the days when I was working for a trade association and was told by a colleague that people get HIV, STIs and even diabetes by using public toilets! Yes, someone said that and that someone wasn’t illiterate. That person was an accomplished professional and an independent woman.

Several years later, now that I am working for the healthcare sector in the UK, I observe how young people are educated about these potentially serious and deadly diseases. Let me clarify a few things particularly for the crowd that proudly claims: Pakistani kids do not have sex before marriage so they don’t need sex education.

What they teach here in the UK isn’t just about sex; they call it relationships and sex education for a reason. Secondly, young people in Pakistan do exhibit some risky behaviour before marriage – be it in a serious relationship or with a random stranger. I don’t think I need to elaborate on how young boys are often dared to experiment with transvestite street performers. Even if we were to believe that the Pakistani youth does not indulge in sex before marriage, they do get married and trust me the advice given by elders (for marital bliss and expression of physical desires when someone is getting married) is often not the best advice.

Boys are not told that some girls are born without a hymen and girls are not given the courage to say no to their husbands during intimacy when they are being disrespectful. Expressing your carnal needs is looked down upon if done by a woman and deemed natural if done at the most inappropriate hour by a man. I have known people who accidentally lost their virginity because no one told them when to stop physical advances by someone they weren’t in a serious relationship with. And the cherry on top is that we always assume that it’s only women who can be physically abused.

In Pakistan, we are embarrassed to talk about sex because we think of it as filthy and unnatural. But the truth is that the experience could contribute positively to one’s mental health if done respectfully and with the right person. The ‘no sex talk’ policy only results in ignorance which is often confused with innocence and purity. In today’s world, you don’t want your children to be ignorant about sex because people will (and they do) take advantage of that. They will hurt your children physically, mentally and emotionally.

Imagine a scenario where a spouse tells their better half that they don’t like certain things about their partner’s physical appearance. Surely we change, adapt and improve for the people we love but some things are beyond human control, such as a physical feature. Wouldn’t you all agree that such conversations could be detrimental to not only one’s confidence but to the relationship as well? So how can we stop marriages from falling apart without blaming women liberation and western influence? We must educate our youth about respecting their partners and it being okay to expect the same in return.

Also, protecting one’s health (including sexual health) is a basic human right. Why is it generally acceptable in Pakistan for men to have sexual encounters outside their marriage and bring several diseases home? Why aren’t they taught how to be safe and also protect their partners? Why can’t their wives be assertive about their own marital rights?

Case in point: The friend who was too scared to talk to her husband about her STI scare because she didn’t want to upset him.

I think we, as a nation, are pretentious and have double standards when it comes to intimacy. Why do we cringe while watching a condom advertisement on television but are perfectly okay to watch vulgar dances in movies? Why do we have these stigmas, fears, misconceptions and misinformation about sex and sexual health? Surely, our religion is practical and in no way oppressive or unreasonable.

Our double standards about sex and sexual health are evident when we look at the statistics. According to UNAIDS, 100,000 people were living with HIV in Pakistan during 2015. In 2014, an 11% increase was reported in mortality rates from HIV/AIDs in Pakistan and if you want to learn further about STIs/STDs then read this article published in Express Tribune.

I am a mother and I do plan to teach my children how to love themselves and their bodies. Anyone telling them that they are inadequate or ugly doesn’t deserve to be a part of their lives. I will teach my children their rights about fertility, safety and pleasure. I will tell them that they have to prioritise their own health and well-being in all circumstances that no relationship is worth compromising your own mental or physical health. I will give them the confidence to say no and to be okay with their feelings.

But for those mothers who are not in a position to do all of this, why can’t a trained professional deliver lectures to youth in colleges and universities? If it is so shameful, perhaps have separate lessons for different genders and sexual orientations. What is so taboo about healthy relationships and physical health? Would you rather have your child learn about sex at the right time by the right person or would you let them go out and discover things on their own (which might result in life-altering damages)?

Dureen Anwer

Dureen Anwer

Dureen is a communications professional from Pakistan, now living in the UK. Having worked for a local government and now for the healthcare sector in England, she often wonders why Pakistan can't be developed like these Western countries. She tweets @ConfusciousDee (twitter.com/ConfusciousDee)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • UzairH

    Dureen, bravo for writing on a topic most adult Pakistanis are too squeamish to talk about.

    And now I know where you were coming from in your burqini blog, you are more concerned about having a positive body-image and not being ashamed of who we are. I completely get that, but will still have a difference of opinion on the cultural impact of the burqah, niqab, and “burkini”.

    On this topic, indeed, we must not hide from the facts of life, and teach our children responsibility and that people are humans first and boys and girls (or men and women later), and that all worthy of respect. The prevalent attitude is that females must not “tempt” men by showing themselves in public, and if they do venture out of the house, best to cover up entirely. This kind of thinking very strongly influences the subconscious of both boys and girls that females are nothing but sex objects and that the only good female is one who never shows her face in front of males, lest she tempt them, which would be her fault, not the males’.Recommend

  • Gratgy

    Pakistanis would rather prefer unnatural sexRecommend

  • Dureen A Anwer

    Hi Uzair, I am glad this blog has clarified my stance on a lot of things. I think no one is in a better position to agree with what you are saying than a woman like myself who was verbally harassed by a colleague in the past and although a senior helped in sorting things out, at the end of the day my western clothes were to be blamed for inviting trouble. The whole idea behind the burkini blog had nothing to do with any religion or gender stereotypes. That blog is about insecurities some women (especially mothers) have. Some women might be confident and wouldn’t care what others have to say about their looks, however I have never been that kind. You won’t believe but I have received messages from so many people who could relate to what I had felt and written.Recommend

  • UzairH

    Cool, we then agree to agree :)Recommend

  • Ali S

    As a Pakistani guy hearing such things makes me worried about married life with a Pakistani girl – no decent guy would feel comfortable being intimate with a girl who doesn’t show sexual desire even with her husband, it wouldn’t feel entirely consensual.

    We have very unhealthy attitudes towards sex and it manifests in some pretty disturbing ways – the ‘Pakistani man stare’ (and it’s a trait shared among all classes and levels of education) is a deeply disturbing, uncontrollable audiovisual manifestation of this suppressed sexuality.Recommend

  • Sane

    So, the Indian bounces. What do you mean by unnatural sex? In Pakistan we do not worship cows.Recommend

  • anon0912

    Wow, definitely an article worth reading. Nice job. Been a while since I read something on here that I completely agreed with. Nicely put. Definitely an issue that needs to be talked about. However I don’t think this is an issue that is just limited to Pakistan. I don’t know if you are familiar with John Oliver but he talked about sex education in a video of his. They were promoting abstinence instead of real sex education which is a massive failure of course. Anyways I once read in an article somewhere that in the rural areas of Pakistan, they associated these infections with poor hygiene when they were in fact caused by child births and the women were shunned. They went about their whole life avoiding physical intimacy when the disease they had was completely treatable. Makes you cringe, doesn’t it.Recommend

  • http://www.pakvisit.com/ Habib
  • Salim Alvi

    Aurat the word exactly means, 1 with dirty, smelly, shameful private part. Since Bedouin Koresh used it we converted natives cannot use native words such as Stri & Mahila who have respectful, divine & deep meanings.


  • Zalim

    @Ali S
    I would say in our private lives we different from how we are in public. There is nothing dirty about sex. I would say my wife has more desire than me. My wife initiates sex more times than me.Recommend

  • LS

    He is talking about goats and sheeps and millions of videos on the net show them and the residents of Islamic world… You don’t have to worship cows to see them.. and eating cows too much can only push you closer to the grave.


  • liberal-lubna-fromLahore

    aah the class pakistani fake liberal tactic to spew hate on Pakistan for no reason other than to expediat their asylum seeking applications in US and UK

    they always start with ” a close friend of mine ” … LOL FAKE!Recommend