Chand raat — A taroo’s heaven

Published: July 28, 2014
SHARES
Email

My several years’ experience of staring at women has taught me more than you’d ever know about them as friends. DESIGN BY HALIMA SADIA

Chand raat of the Meethi Eid — a phrase so nice, you can say it twice! When you read it, doesn’t it sound grand and full of enchanting sweetness?

Well, it is.

It’s the Eid that doesn’t leave roads drenched in blood and streets full of guts and ripped open stomachs.

This is Meethi Eid and the sweetness I essentially indulge in on this grand occasion is staring at girls, left right and centre. Without a shadow of doubt, chand raat is a taroo’s heaven, his Las Vegas and his Raiwind Palace.

It all started when I was four-years-old. Word on the street was that a gori ma’am (white lady) had come to visit our village to see the schools and meet the kids. I was dressed up and sent to meet the white lady.

What a sight.

The moment was amazing, seeing over 300 men just staring at her, regardless of them being Chandio, Afridi, Butt or Lund. All generational rivalries were put aside for a common goal — stare at the gori. From that day onwards, I knew that the only way we can all get along is through shameless staring.

I have been an avid stare-r. I started from the nurse who cut the cord, went on to the female teachers in my all-boys school and now, I am proudly known as the sala office ka tharki.

Girls give weird and angry looks when they are stared at, but I am pretty sure they secretly like it. Sometimes, when they say: “No… hell no! Get away from me,” what they really mean is, “yes”. This phenomenon is popularly known as ‘playing hard to get’ (take notes guys; I am giving you pearls here).

Also, the girls wearing western clothes — jeans and tops — they love it when we stare. The reason they wear those clothes is so that we can stare — they like the attention. Why else would they wear those clothes, right?

Back to the event of the year, that is chand raat. My chand raat starts with picking up my friends and then hitting the malls — you know the usual mehndi corners to check out girls while they are all dressed up to get their henna on. Mehndi corners are only for girls and families, so we just stay close to a family, as an attempt to blend in. Some girls come with their boys, who give you the stink eye if you check out their ‘Ras Malai’ (yes, I have actually heard someone call his loved one that). We aim for the girls with families; they are easy prey.

Stare at them from afar, make eye-contact when Abu isn’t looking, stay close by, wait till she looks at you, and then…wink!

Nine out of 10 times she rejects, but every now and then, a sad, lonely, low-self esteemed girl comes along and she doesn’t slap us. The one that does slap us leaves us wondering how she could do this to us. Following the slap, other taroos seize the opportunity to be seen as her knight in shining armour, become Ajay Devgan from Diljalay and start thrashing me in an attempt to save her ‘honour’. But then again, that is all part of the thrill, as I always say, ‘one has to risk it for the biscuit’.

You might have female friends, but my several years’ experience of staring at them has taught me more than you’d ever know about them as friends. I have more knowledge about women than most of the men around. So what if my mom can’t find me a bride because everyone calls me cheap? One day, I will find a girl who eye-to-eyes me and we will tango like Taher Shah’s curls.

Yours truly,

Taroo (I got my eyes on you, literally)

Like Life & Style on Facebook, follow @ETLifeandStyle on Twitter for the latest in fashion, gossip and entertainment.

Ali Gul Pir

Ali Gul Pir

Comedian, writer, rapper and producer. He tweets as @Aligulpir (twitter.com/Aligulpir)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Supriya Arcot

    Refreshingly honest and free flowing writing . Wishing u a happy Id .Recommend

  • MHZ

    HAHAHAHAHAH!
    I JUST LOVE THIS GUY!
    Now, didn’t we all guys use to do that? Oh wait, We still try to do it. :DRecommend

  • MHZ

    HAHAHAHAHAH!
    I JUST LOVE THIS GUY!
    Now, didn’t we all guys use to do that? Oh wait, We still try to do it. :DRecommend

  • Booky

    I swear, this is exactly why I hate going out on Chaand Raat. I was 10 or 11 when I went out with my family, and back then, I must have looked 13 or 14 because I was a chubby girl who’d just hit her growth spurt. We were walking down the crowded street of Saddar and a man groped my behind as he walked by. I looked back to see who it was, but he had disappeared. I didn’t tell my mother then and I still haven’t told her.

    I wish the families of these sick bastards would flog them because even though it doesn’t seem like something terrible, I still can’t go out in crowded areas without being that terrified 10 year old who felt like she’d been raped.Recommend

  • Aamna Hassan Fasihi

    “Some girls come with their boys, who give you the stink eye if you check
    out their ‘Ras Malai’ (yes, I have actually heard someone call his
    loved one that)”
    HAHAHAHAHAHA God!!!
    Taroo maroo, you are such an effing funny guy!Recommend

  • Salman

    Sadly, it’s been downhill since the first song. This is extremely poor writing. Nothing new, just trying to copy and be cool.Recommend

  • Queen

    Wow, I didn’t know that girls are sometimes called “Ras malai” by boys :D I guess this is why people say that ignorance is bliss. This will remain in my mind from now on whenever I will see Ras malai being served anywhere :)Recommend

  • Sid

    Lol made me actually laugh out loud on a busy train. Well done!! Recommend

  • Ayesha

    My father never allowed us to go out on Chaand Raat and Im glad.Recommend

  • Fahad

    Ali Gul Pir, you are cool. Don’t listen to what other Diljalay’s say. Recommend

  • Ali Gul Pir

    I am really sorry you had to go through that and it is something you will live with. The objective of this article is to get a positive message across without lecturing. I am embarrassed to be a man when I hear such things. We must all learn to respect ourselves enough to not act like cavemen. Hopefully one day we will change.Recommend

  • Transistor

    well, this guy has done nothing except making me mourn as I couldn’t go out this time.Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/shoaib_112 Mirza Shoaib Ahmad Jarral

    Dear Writer! what if your sister and mother is in the same Mall for shopping and you see another gang of rascals walking behind them?
    how would you feel?
    how remorselessly you can say “The objective of this article is to get a positive message”. You don’t have even sense and humanity. what a standard of “Tribune” to publish this kind of rubbish, useless and unethical words.
    salute for admin.Recommend

  • Certified hoper

    Ahahaha :D. You’re a great writer Ali. Can I know if you practiced alot or if it is a natural ability to be an good writer? I myself have been working hard to write but i usually get so frustrated that I ball up the paper and throw it away. Any advice to a young but hopeful starter ?Recommend

  • Sadia

    Unfortunately, satire doesn’t work if people cannot realize it’s satire.

    Terribly done.Recommend

  • Sane

    When till ISIS is here.Recommend

  • Sane

    Girls on Chand Raat go to malls to gauge their attraction and beauty It is their choice.Recommend