Stories about Hamza Ali Abbasi

Dear Faisal Qureshi, just stop the hypocrisy. Please.

Dear Faisal Qureshi, Let me start by saying that while I am a film critic whose reviews are published weekly in Pakistan, I rarely watch Bollywood ‘films’. In fact, the last time I tried, my brain snapped shut, and I vomited uncontrollably for a few minutes. Later, I was diagnosed with Post Bollywood Stress Disorder (PBSD), a mental health condition provoked by a shockingly bad Bollywood film. I was sure I would never watch something as horrific again, until I saw your video response to Indian actor Saif Ali Khan’s comments on the Pakistani ban on his film, Phantom.

Now, I must admit, at the very least, you ...

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Dear Hamza Ali Abbasi, Mahira Khan, Reham Bhabi and Ayyan Ali – Hi!

Open letters are the new ‘in’ thing. Everyone, while not busy taking selfies or engaging in internet wars, is writing them. Unlike personal letters that are addressed to and only read by the person intended, these have a universal appeal. Hence, I decided to write a few of my own, a series of them in fact. Here is the first one: To Hamza Ali Abbasi from an Online Jihadi. Hazrat Hamza Ali Abbasi Sahib, My heart sank when I saw the trailer of your upcoming movie, Jawani Phir Nahin Ani. And it sank even further to the bottom of the very pool you were seen ...

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Who would win the ultimate dance-off between Shoaib and Yuvraj?

An event of momentous importance has occurred and, as is usual with the more earth shaking happenings, has been completely ignored. One might suspect a cover-up by the intelligence agencies because why, for the love of all that is holy, is no one talking about this? Shoaib Malik has challenged Yuvraj Singh to a dance-off. @YUVSTRONG12 @MirzaSania ajjao maydaan may This is how it is done! @realshoaibmalik Bhai hum tho hamesha maidan mein the @Velfieapp pic.twitter.com/uYqTVXbcWz — yuvraj singh (@YUVSTRONG12) July 25, 2015 Ladies and gentlemen, the gauntlet has been thrown. The reputation of our country is at stake. Two cricket legends (and-a-tennis-player-meh-nobody-cares) face off on ...

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Dear Junaid Jamshed, Google ‘misogyny’, and then stay away from it forever

Junaid Jamshed has done it again. And it looks like he’ll never learn. Whatever made him say the things he did about Hazrat Aisha (RA) previously which made him run for his life, were clearly not enough for him to understand what he’s doing wrong. And if I were his PR manager (if and so he actually has one) this would be my one single email to him, “Dear boss, Google the word ‘misogyny’. Then stay away from it forever.” In another email, I’d gently explain to him the meaning of hypocrisy. The right to practice your beliefs is clear and there is no disputing that. ...

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No, Hamza Ali Abbasi, you cannot shame us for talking about Pakistan’s minorities too!

They say charity begins at home. But for many right-wing Pakistanis, it seems as if home is not Pakistan; it is the Muslim Ummah – just the Sunni-identifying part to be precise. Like the rest of us, these fellow Pakistanis seem to be rightly concerned about the current plight of the Rohingya Muslim minority in Burma. However, they don’t seem to bat an eye on the treatment meted out to our own minorities on home soil. Tell them the Rohingya Muslims identify as Shia Muslims or Ahmadi Muslims, and the fury and passion will magically dissipate in an instant. Some might even ...

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What Naya Pakistan will be like in 2050

This is the year 2050.  The Pakistan we once knew in 2015 has changed tremendously. Or has it really? Below is the glimpse of literally ‘Naya Pakistan’. 1. The government vows to end the energy crisis till 3058. Promise. 2. Malala Yousafzai has moved back to Pakistan and is currently running for the office of prime minister, from the Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) of course. She enjoys an unequivocal support from not only the liberal faction within the country, but also from King’s Landing, Meereen, Bravos and Winterfell. However, she continues to face severe backlash from religious outfits and Wildlings, a wave that started back in 2012 when she was allegedly shot. 3. Jibran ...

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Game of Thrones Season 6 comes to Pakistan

There are rumours flying around of production beginning on an Indian version of Game of Thrones (GoT). We let India sneak ahead in the nuclear arms race but we seem to be far ahead of them in the television dramas race. However, this could be a game-changer – to ensure we maintain our advantage we must make our own version of GoT before India! To make the job easier for all prospective producers, I have taken the liberty of casting the Pakistani Game of Thrones. 1. Mahira Khan as Daenerys Targaryen Our latest export to Bollywood is really the only option to play ...

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Dear Hamza Ali Abbasi, your diva fits on Facebook have to stop!

Hamza Ali Abbasi, of Pyare Afzal fame, is one of the finest actors of our entertainment industry. Or so I thought. Of late, he has ceased to have the same ‘pyare’ charms that he had on his fans some time back. I, for one, have been extremely disappointed in him. Recently, he took to social media to express some very strong opinions, or diva fits as I like calling them. At one point, he appreciated Zhalay Sarhadi for not exposing herself in an item song and at another, he resigned from his position as cultural secretary of Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) – a party he supports ambitiously – because he ...

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We do not need ‘billis’ to flaunt our ‘jawani’ in Lollywood

After successfully objectifying women in the ‘100 glorious years of Indian cinema’, Bollywood now recognises its part in influencing commoners, what till now has been ‘a bad influence’. It took Bollywood God knows how many Jyoti Singhs to realise what a mess their sexist approach in cinema has caused in populous India. I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that our neighbours are in trouble; our fellow women are not safe. But at the moment, I’m more concerned about how all this affects Pakistan. Our cinema is going through an interesting phase of its revival, but the same sexist approach has come to trouble us too. Recent ...

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The line between ‘expression’ and ‘hate’

Undeniably, it’s everywhere; you’ll find some Charlie Hebdos at your dinner table – some who never want to be Charlie, and then some who, like me, are stuck in the sticky web of internal debate. Since Charlie Hebdo and its counterparts made headlines, my mind has been whizzing with questions of determining where I stand on the issue. It’s clear that I appreciate the limitless power of the pen but I’m certain I also respect the sentiments of those who read my words. The question I have stopped dead at is plain: is the freedom to write whatever I want my right or a ...

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