10 things nosy ‘Pak’ers love to ask

Published: January 13, 2012
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Are you married? Have you found anyone eligible?

Do you ever get riled up by busybodies asking annoying questions to ‘place’ people in their social world? Well, here are some conveniently snappy answers we wish we could respond with (you might even get away with some of them if you did; sarcasm is often lost on the unwitting).

1. Have you found anyone eligible yet?

Yes (enter Mashallah), I have won the marriage lottery! She/he is, Mashallah, loaded and divorced only thrice.

2. Who is your father?

 He is Mian/Chaudhry (enter name) and owns (enter name of mill/bank).

3. What does your husband do?

See answer number 2 please.

4. What village are you from?

It doesn’t matter if you have never seen cow-dung in real life, you have to name the villages your grandparents lived in pre and post partition. To be cheeky, you can always say:

 “I am from Greenwich Village.”

5. Who is your family and your in-laws?

This has to be answered with the name of a steel, oil, or textile mill as a prefix and adding ‘walla’ as a suffix (especially if you’re a Karachiite. Here it goes;

“You must have heard of the Steelwallas?

6. So what do you do all day?

This question is usually directed towards the the spouse/offspring of affluent industrialists and corrupt politicians:

 “I spend money and pretend to work.”

7. What’s their background?

Here you may provide a synopsis of said person’s birth, ethnicity and ancestry, political and romantic scandals, education and career achievements and, especially, failures.

8. Who are your friends?

Name anyone famous or infamous, preferably several years younger so you appear more youthful by association. It’s more preferable if they feature in Pakistan’s top 20 richest families list.

9. What is his/her ‘scene?’

Answer with a read-between-the-lines synopsis of the said person’s lifestyle and romantic status, like:

“She is very outgoing (ie skanky) or

“She’s on the hunt for someone loaded” (that means she is a gold digger) or

“He hasn’t had a serious relationship” (which suggests that he is probably gay) or

“They used to be very rich” (ie he has no money of his own).

10. Where is your accent from? Amrika? Ing-land? Canayda?

“I learned to fake it at a call centre” or

“I’m an RJ at FM89.”


laleen.khan

Laaleen Khan

An international columnist and media consultant who Tweets @laaleen

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Mehboob Aap Kay Qadmon Main

    Either I am too naive to understand your humor or your humor is really sub-par. And by the way how do you define a ‘Pak’er, just curious?Recommend

  • http://zaidzamanhamid.wordpress.com/ Ahmed Quraishi

    I learnt my american accent when I tried to apply for working as a journalist for wall street. They rejected me and now i own PakNationalist and 10 other fake news websites that excel in spreading propaganda.

    -Ahmed Quraishi

    Pakistan’s only american accentwallah journalist.Recommend

  • http://www.myfrequentranting.blogspot.com FB

    Failed attempt at humour….wish you improve next time.Recommend

  • Farhan Gilgiti

    Complete crap.

    Who are ET’s bloggers writing for? I mean, look at the rating given to this blog by the readers!!Recommend

  • Ahad

    Wasted my time again !
    On the positive side. This kind of stuff encourages me to write BS too cuz it might get published too. Recommend

  • Hu Jintao

    I will just go away by saying… RubbishRecommend

  • Mustafa

    All of you demeaning this article are over critical of it… I guess humour just does not run in desi veins.. Considering how mostly everything in the list is true.. I’ll presume you just can not laugh at yourself for a change… Recommend

  • Zeeshan H

    Where is everyone’s sense of humour? This was a riot!Recommend

  • Maira

    total waste.Recommend

  • hamzad

    anothe Ba Ba Blacksheep from INglish-medium trying to pretend she’s a “faariner”Recommend

  • Anum Rasheed

    What a waste of time! Recommend

  • pakistani

    kya fazool piece hai yarRecommend

  • Parvez

    Even Laaleen Khan can hit a rough patch sometimes. Love reading the trivia you put out.Recommend

  • Saad

    The best part about the article was the end… as in how quickly the torture ended…Recommend

  • Rizwan

    stupids peoples have nothing to do but just creeeteeesaaaizzzzz? get a life chapsRecommend

  • http://www.bvmcpals.blogspot.com Rahul Vasudevan

    Usually, ‘What is your religion?’ is the first question. Usually, my answer is ‘none of your freakin business’.Recommend

  • aisha

    Good atempt :)Recommend

  • Hira

    Good one! Added a few laughs to my day!
    The best part of being a desi, is doing all these things and being able to laugh on them too!Recommend

  • Pakistani

    found no humor.Try to next time for good.Recommend

  • Jay Shawn

    @Rizwan: criticism is the key to improvement.Recommend

  • http://laaleen.blogspot.com Laaleen

    Glad some of you got it. And for the rest–lighten up, people! Ever heard of humour writing? Nope? OK, I’m sorry if this made you cringe but hey, you read it anyway despite calling it “rubbish,” & “waste of your time,” :D ALSO, If you haven’t seen this already, I wrote this a year ago especially for you:
    http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/3784/hate-commenter-why-are-you-reading-this/

    @’Mehboob Aap Kay Qadmon Mai’: It’s a play on ‘nosy parker.’ Recommend

  • Bee

    Dude…If u were trying to make people laugh then im really very sorry to say that you failed to do so..Goodluck with your next piece!Recommend

  • http://www.sadafhafeez.blogspot.com Sun

    The second question was spot-on ! Its the most common opening question by every professor during vivas. Of all the people in the world, why should a ‘teacher’ be concerned about student’s family background, is beyond my understanding !Recommend

  • rabbahs

    what is this thing ?? Referring article as thinRecommend

  • Salman Sheikh
  • RAW is WAR

    hillarious.Recommend

  • fahad

    failed attempt , no humor , badly written !! Recommend

  • Shahid

    Dear AUTHOR,

    You owe me 5 precious minutes of my life I just wasted reading this…Recommend

  • http://thecricketinsight.blogspot.com/ Hmmm

    Which is more shambolic? This blog or India’s performance down under? I am confused – its a tough contest. My vote goes for this blog. Utter crapRecommend

  • http://glenns-busy-corner.blogspot.com Glenn Ryall

    Sorry to say but this blog really does not make sense :sRecommend

  • Donkey Kong

    Look Laleen, do you want only praises in your comment section? Are you afraid of criticism? If not, let people say that they don’t like your blog if they don’t like your blog without you trying to be cheeky about it. I am afraid this blog was genuinely not funny – Not because it targeted the society – no, don’t be confused about that, the comments here are not defensive in anyway (writers tend to jump to this conclusion; it’s their own defense mechanism – i myself can’t be at fault, it has to be the hundreds of commentators who disagree with me) – No it’s just that this is not a good blog. Don’t worry, you’ll do better the next time.

    Cheers.
    Drum beatsRecommend

  • Mehboob Aap Kay Qadmon Main

    @Laaleen: Thanks Laaleen for answering my question. I appreciate you getting back to me, have a good one!Recommend

  • No one
  • http://habloid.wordpress.com Habiba Younis

    lame, yes now write another whiny post on commentators.Recommend

  • Sindhi

    Hilarious and sarcastic. I really enjoyed every bit of it. It is obvious that there is no individualism in our country. Every one wants to poke one’s nose in other affairs. Even a stranger sitting next to you in Bus or Train will ask you very personal questions. Our society has not learnt to respect the privacy of others.

    Grow up!Recommend

  • Khawaja

    Can you answer one question?
    TUSI KEHNA KI CHANDAY SO?Recommend

  • Azam

    Really pathetic attempt at humour. Guess i need to send you some bucks to send you to charm school.Recommend

  • Farhan

    lolllll nyce!!Recommend

  • Hajira Mirza

    What a waste of time, seriouslyRecommend

  • You’re so funny

    OMG, I cant stop laughing, rofl, lol, lmao, rotfl, xD, :DRecommend

  • http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/author/430/faraz-talat/ Faraz Talat

    For heaven’s sake, the article’s not that bad! It’s not rolling-on-the-floor-laughing stuff, but it’s worth a few chuckles. The reaction’s so fiercely negative, I had to go back to the write-up to see if the author had accidentally made fun of Imran Khan somewhere!

    Maybe it’s not your brand of humour. Or maybe you just didn’t get the jokes! How about that?Recommend

  • Nandita.

    I happen to think this is an excellent blog. i don’t usually read laleen’s articles but i liked this one. It did make me smile and more importantly it highlights the irritating characteristics of south asians in general. I’ve faced this kind of nosiness so often, especially at the office and it irritates the hell out of me. Why the f* do people want to know what my husband does ? I hate the very south asian habit of trying to gauge a person’s social standing and then deciding whether to befriend him or not. How cheap are we ?

    So laleen, well done. Recommend

  • http://azmatnaseer.tumblr.com Azmat

    Thumbs up.Recommend

  • YesWeKhan

    uhhh…what the……..And your point is???……….Recommend

  • http://nil raheela

    The blog was not that much funny though but the questions pointed out by the author were really genuine…some people really ask such stupid questions and then use them to predict about the person which is really irksome and brazen..Recommend

  • https://www.facebook.com/desi.attitude1 Faisal

    Good Try.. you will hit someday.. good luck mateRecommend

  • Mehwish Ashraf

    I super liked the answer to the first question! Next time anyone asks me the same question, I will hit with this one :D Hats off!!!Recommend

  • https://www.facebook.com/desi.attitude1 Faisal

    @Mehwish, and for sure you will get the reward :dRecommend

  • Raza

    Seriously sub-standard article. No humor grimace.Recommend

  • Mehwish Ashraf

    @Faisal, WHO CARES for the reward!!!Recommend

  • https://www.facebook.com/desi.attitude1 Faisal

    @Mehwish, true thatRecommend

  • http://aicha-ib.blogspot.com aiesha

    caste; sect and when r u getting married, u r getting old are the questions asked a lot, too!Recommend

  • Vigilant

    Waste of time & space……..unable to understand…… :)Recommend