Help! I don’t want to be a second wife

Published: October 20, 2011
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Is this man worth suffering the sort of misery that comes alongside the understanding that you are sharing his heart?

Dear Miss Informed,

As most university girls do, I too fell in love with my professor. However, I later got to know that he had already had an affair with one of my classmates.

So extremely furious was I that I actually mailed this information anonymously to my university friends just to give him a bad name. Moreover, I even started calling him from another number just like in the movie Body Guard (freaky, I know).

In the later months, however, he fell in love with me, and I too, again began to like him. He was totally different than what I made him out to be. He was so loving and caring that I couldn’t believe my good fortune.

My bubble was short-lived, and it burst just as suddenly as it started. My professor came to know that it was me who ruined his reputation and black-mailed him. He was hurt and stung, and let me go; I didn’t contact him either as I realised my mistake.

Later on, I got married, but I guess what goes around comes around, and I got divorced because my ex-husband suffered from OCD. After this disastrous marriage breakup, my professor, one fine day messaged me and said that he still loved me. I was, obviously, on cloud nine. However, he said that he wanted to make me his second wife because he had already committed to his girlfriend of four years, and promised her that he would marry her. He went on to say that he has mixed my name with hers quite a number of times.

It hurts like hell. I can’t let him go. But I know I can’t be his second wife.

Please help.

Completely devastated

*************************************************

Dear Completely devastated,

Grow up.

This is real life and real feelings you are messing with. The things that you do will have consequences. It isn’t some make belief Bollywood drama.

You need to step outside your bubble and try and look at things objectively. Do you think that your professor has spoken to his girlfriend about you? Technically with-holding information is just as bad as lying. If he deceiving and lying to someone he has been with for four years, what makes you think that he won’t do it to you? The fact that your professor had affairs with other students throws light on his character, and how shallow his feelings are.

Perhaps you write to me because you are still bent on his integrity; you think that his feelings are true and believe that he has changed. I am not to be the judge of this – you are. You must, however, realise that you are stepping in to the relationship of another woman, with a man she is in love with. You could be ruining her life. The logical and honourable thing to do is to ask your professor to set up a meeting with just you and her. Talk things over and get a feel for each others’ character. If you feel like this woman is someone you can get along and live with, perhaps it is worth a try.

Please consider though, the pros and cons of being a second wife. You will have to deal with sharing a man you are in love with-sharing him in the most intimate of ways. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult this would be, and given that you have proved yourself to be the jealous kind, I am not sure that you can handle it. The question that you need to ask yourself is; is this man worth suffering the sort of misery that comes along with the understanding that you are sharing his heart?

Completely devastated, I think you need to take a deep look in the mirror and understand your worth. Make a list of all the positives about yourself and then gauge to see if you would actually be happy settling for this situation. Think of long term happiness, not short term pleasure. Can your professor even afford two wives? Do you think that you can’t do any better than this? Do you think that you would be destined to a life of unhappiness without him?

From what you have told me about this man, I do not hold him in high esteem. It is now up to you to figure out if you can live a happy life alongside him and another woman. If not, darling, there are many other fish in the sea.

Do you have a problem that you can’t solve all by your lonesome? Miss Informed is here to help! E-mail her at [email protected]

miss.informed

Miss Informed

A Karachi-based social guru who will help untangle all the complex questions life throws your way. Ask Miss Informed for advice on romance, work, family or even how to make the perfect pumpkin pie!

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Faraz Talat

    Miss Informed,
    You’re great, but you’re in a rut. I understand that writing about love, relationships and girl stuff is what you excel at, but step out of your comfort zone and surprise us with something new. Expand into new territory, or at least experiment with a different writing style.
    .
    By the way, Completely Devestated. You really divorced your husband because he was suffering from a treatable psychiatric disorder? That was very ignorant of you, and unlike Miss Informed, I won’t make any attempt to be gentle. Talk about “complete devastation” for the poor guy.Recommend

  • Javeria Mahmood

    what else could be more funny?Recommend

  • sheraz khan

    errrr…what in Gods name was that???Recommend

  • obscurantist

    this lady needs to grow up like hell….reelyRecommend

  • http://natashasuleman.wordpress.com Natasha

    Is she for real?Recommend

  • Kay jay

    Girls Girls Girls !!! … i mean why would anyone want to complicate his/her life further by getting into an already complicated stuff ….
    I don’t want to comment on whether this person should opt for second marriage or not . but one thing i am dead sure of is this man is UNFAITHFUL . besides i highly doubt he will be able to give a decent lifestyle to both of you, given the current situation .

    For me second marriage or the thought o even consider it an option diminishes when you cannot afford it .,,, Recommend

  • hassan

    There is nothing wrong in being a second wife. In fact, nothing wrong being a third or fourth wife too.

    We, men, have been divinely ordained to have, upto four wives, and I am sure, there must be a reason for this. This has been done not to allow to satisfy their physical needs but to give a secure and comfortable living to women. Our Prophet (PBUH) thought that this is a fair and just solution for women as a whole, that is why, to protect them and to give them a worry-free life, he has allowed men (if he can afford) to have wife more than one. So, the sister should not worry about being a second wife. I would advise her to take inspiration from the Mother of Believers.

    If this is unfair for women, then, surely this would not have been allowed by our Prophet (PBUH). Because, there is some merit in being a second or third or fourth wife, this has been mentioned in our Holy Book. Otherwise, this would surely have been banned.

    Who are we, mere mortals, to argue with the word of God ?Recommend

  • http://hardhatgirl.wordpress.com Madiha

    Help! ET is publishing trash!Recommend

  • B

    @hassan:

    Are you for real?Recommend

  • Parvez

    I swore never to read anything written by Miss Informed but then, I was bored and I read this. Now I’m laughing at myself for being weak and stupid. Recommend

  • Saad Hasnain

    Lol! What World in is she living…Seriously ET! Stop her posts or else i’ll leave reading ET Blog.. :D..Recommend

  • GetRidOfFeudalPolitics

    I have ocd :(Recommend

  • http://lonepkliberal.wordpress.com Loneliberal PK

    Hassan,

    That is for the woman to decide. Even in this “word of God” that you so happily flaunt, the husband cannot marry a second wife if it does injustice to the first one.Recommend

  • sania

    Lol @hassan are you really for real
    It makes me laugh how men who never pray, fast, give zakat, watch trash movies, search for stupid stuff online suddenly become islamic when it comes to having 4 wives. Recommend

  • Saad

    4 wives FTW! people who are against it are so because they can’t ‘sport’ it! :D

    And Completely devastated, you’re awesome! don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! i wish i could have one or two like you around!Recommend

  • Adnan

    @Madiha:
    If it’s a trash.. Don’t bother to read and move on..Recommend

  • Adnan

    @hassan:

    This is not as simple as that. There are many conditions if you want to have more than one wives at a time. You need to give them justice, honour, equal time, equal money, equal love. Our Holy Prophet (SAW) was a perfect human being. How many of us can claim to be one. Moreover, at that time, it was a tribal society and many of them have more than one wives even more than 4 so Islam actually got a limit on them by implementing certain strict conditions for doing that. So, let me tell you it’s not easy to have more than one wife keeping in mind all the conditions laid down in Islam.Recommend

  • hassan

    @sania:
    I do pray, fast and give zakat as prescribed. But, I don’t understand the ‘trashy movies’ and ‘stupid stuff online’ part.

    What according to you are trashy movies? What according to you are stupid stuff online?

    (Yesterday, I searched about a movie and then watched it: ‘At Five In The Afternoon’, a movie shot in Afghanistan, by director Samira Makhmalbaf. Hope that is not a trashy movie.)Recommend

  • http://patientmusic.blogspot.com Confused

    Are you sure somebody didn’t just troll you with this letter? My apologies if you are.Recommend

  • http://hardhatgirl.wordpress.com Madiha

    @Adnan

    It’s not “a trash”, it’s “trash” =)Recommend

  • hassan

    @Adnan:

    Can you please tell me in which sura or hadeeth these conditions are mentioned?

    Please quote me the authentic source. And spare me your sermons.Recommend

  • Hameed

    +1 hassan, I’m with you on this one bro Recommend

  • http://awgilani.wordpress.com Syed Abdul Wahab Gilani

    Yes, Grow UP! thats the right answerRecommend

  • OCD Ex

    I just want more Tang and ORS to resolve the electrolyte imbalance caused by reading this article over and over again for the 150000’th time. Devastated Girl I miss you Completlely girl.Recommend

  • Salman

    i am cheating a girl and do exactly what this professor is doing, sweet love talks. In real i don’t have any such feeling for her, the girl is so stupid believe everything i say and i get what i want. Recommend

  • OCD Ex

    @Salman What do you mean by “I get what I want”. Can you please explain where this event takes place, and how is it arranged. I want to learn it from you for my ginger. I’ve always believed there’s a lock that needs to be opened, can you give me advice on opening up rusty locks? But I like Tang!!Recommend

  • Salman

    OCD Ex

    dude, u gotta learn these things by urself :DRecommend

  • Adnan

    @hassan:
    It’s in the Holy Prophet’s Sunnah as well it’s in the Fiqah… Islam is a mix of Quran, Hadees, Sunnah and Fiqah… I’m not a Mulla like you so I dont’ give sermons… You brought the Sacred names of Islam and Holy Prophet in this discussion…Recommend

  • Ali from Karachi

    Do yourself and him a favour and CUT ALL CONTACT and ties with him. Maintain no contact with him! This is the best thing you will ever do – you will realise this 2 years down the line.Recommend

  • Cynic

    @Hassan
    If a woman is not content and happy to share her husband, agar us ki ijazat nahi hai, he cant marry 4 times, 3 times or even 2 times. Times were different back then, i agree with Adnan on this..ever heard of “Ijtihaad”? Better read up, open ur mind, and reach a balanced judgement keeping in view all the facts and realities. As for trashy movies and all that online stuff, dont talk and behave like a kaka..Recommend

  • way

    islam allowed muslim men to have four wives. Those who watch trash sites etc are not suppose to be called muslims so please dont bring all men into it, those who didnt like the article just watch and pass by,because you dont buy every thing when go out shopping.Recommend

  • hassan

    @Adnan:
    @Cynic:
    Assume for a moment that I am ignorant and as a True Muslim, it is your duty to show me light.

    Please don’t shirk by saying ‘read up’. I am reading up, and I don’t see them anywhere !

    Is it so difficult for you to quote some authentic verses or you are also finding it difficult to contradict what I said ?

    In case you don’t know, Adnan, as a Muslim, not only I am entitled to have 4 wives, I can also enter into short term marriages (Nikah mut‘ah – marriage for a day or for a month) when I am on travel. This is in addition to 4 wives ! Recommend

  • Syme

    In addition to 4 wives and time marriage, goat and sheep. Recommend

  • Pir Ali Raza

    this simply proves that girls are stupid. enough saidRecommend

  • shaheen shah

    @Natasha: quit judging the chick…there are many girls who go through this not in the same twisted manner but they do have heartbreaks, and if u see a bank there are men who have wives at home and still tend to be this way with their colleagues….
    @Ali from Karachi: one sane comment ..the girl needs to get out of her rut and meet another guy, thats the only way she will meet someone new.
    @hassan:
    is that ACTUALLY TRUE?? i would like to know the verse of where the Quran says so .. and since ur qouting the Holy Book so faithfully here..would u allow it to happen to one of ur beloved sister or daughter …no offense
    @adnan: yes please id really like to know what this hassan dude is coming up with, more over id like to ask him, so if u had a sister or a daughter would u allow such a wed-lock?Recommend

  • hassan

    @shaheen shah:

    Please google ‘Nikah mut‘ah’ you will get all the info you want. If I cite the sources, the moderator’s may not approve it.Recommend

  • shaheen shah

    @hassan: i think the girl needs some serious therapy…thats all there is to it ..im not judging her but she seriously is not looking at the bigger picture….as miss informative has said….there is another girl involved how abt her her feelings for four years and what is the guarantee that after2 months he wouldn’t fall for another girl after 4 wives…and how would he manage her in the most intimidate manners..do u think this girl can take it?? reckon not..she is purely jealous and posseive which might be her personality trait and AGAIN put urself in her shoes…can u be with a girl who has 2 bfs??:)Recommend

  • Anum

    @Hassan and everyone else:

    Nikah Mutah is forbidden in Islam by our beloved Prophet! Only proper Nikah to a woman is allowed! So get your facts right before you post such things on a public forum!Recommend

  • Anum

    @Completely devastated: Woman, seriously talk sense. The guy will not remain truthful to you, he”ll ditch you the minute he finds someone else. Get out of it ASAP and save yourself before you end up in a bigger disaster than this!Recommend

  • malik

    @Anum:

    It is the argument of one sect of Muslims that this is forbidden, whereas it is not. I think hassan is cent per cent right about Nikah Mutah. It is very allowed.

    In fact, in Sura 4.24, this has been clearly mentioned and Sura 5.87 (Sahih al Bukhari Volume 7 tradition 13a) confirms this.

    More corraboration: Sahih Bukhari, Arabic-English, v7, Hadith #51 and Sahih Muslim Book 008, Number 3248, Bab al-NikahRecommend

  • Anum

    @Malik, where are you quoting from? There is no mention of Nikah Mutah in verse 4.24 or 5.87 of the Holy Quran. As for the hadith you are quoting, I dont have a reliable source to check from whether there is an allowance for Nikah Mutah. But dont worry, i’m working on it. Will get back to you.Recommend

  • Vigilant

    Professor is lucky chap…..i should join teaching profession… :P :)Recommend

  • Mrs K

    OMG is this real?? If it is an attmept at being ironic..it is hilarious, but if ET is being serious,then its really really sadRecommend

  • http://investorpedia.blogspot.com Investorpedia

    Looks like a Story of a Bollywood Masala Movie…Recommend