Hakimullah on-demand: Value Added Terror!

Published: July 28, 2010
Email

There's no such thing as free terrorism.

A team from Voice of Fidayeen* (VOF) is sent to an undisclosed location. Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan leader, Hakimullah Mehsud wants to record a message and it is urgent.

Two men with guns receive the team. Cables are laid, camera mounted on the tripod. The men with the gun stand in front of a black backdrop, and Hakimullah arrives. He is looking pale and gloomy; the VOF team looks at each other, nods are exchanged, audio levels adjusted, but a sound of an explosion ruptures the silence.

The technician yells. Hakimullah gives a disapproving look, audio-levels readjusted and camera starts filming. The men with the gun start looking more serious.

Gloomy Hakimullah coughs before starting. Another explosion is heard. All VOF team members but the technician yell. Hakimullah gives a stern look, peeks out from a nearby window and roars “Can you please ask them to stop playing, I’m trying to record a message here.”

Silence prevails.

He coughs again and says “I strongly condemn Value Added Tax.”

The producer of VOF is confused – he thinks that the terrorist has turned capitalist. Hakim reads the question in his eyes and responds, “the operational costs of our war, err… Jihad are already touching the sky, and I condemn the government for being so insensitive.”

The gloom on his face becomes more pronounced. He wipes something off his eyes. The cameraman zooms-in to take a close-up, while the producer signals him not to do so.

Hakimullah says that because of rising costs, he has had to lay-off holy warriors, and now they are pushing him to fullfill his promise of 70 hoors (heavenly virgins).

“And now this VAT,” a visibly shaken Hakimullah says, “is suicidal.”

He says that laying off people was the most difficult thing he had to do in his entire career as a terrorist, err… Mujahid.

Sound of a hum fades in, this time Hakimullah yells, “THIS IS A DRONE!”. The entire production team ducks down. The men with the guns hide behind the backdrop.

Hum fades out.

A shaken Hakimullah tries to look furious, asks his gaurds to stand beside him again.

The camera starts recording. Hakeem mumbles his annoyance with drones. Mentions that they’re causing him heavy monetary loss, and human loss too. Adds that innocent people consider him the cause of bringing this loss to them, but he doesn’t care about lives of innocent people.

“So I was talking about VAT,” continues Hakimullah.

“You know it would destroy our industry. We are already spending about Rs 15,000 on a suicide jacket. Just imagine the costs after VAT.”

Hakimullah explains with cold logic of an economist that the government is imposing this tax just to please the IMF. And the IMF is doing this on the orders of America.

At this, the men with the gun start shouting, “Death to America, Death to VAT.”

The VOF team joins in, and soon people outside the room also become member to the chorus. Suddenly, the power goes out. Hakimullah starts cursing Wapda, uses mean words against the Ministry of Water and Power;  swears that he would soon send a suicide bomber to one of the grid-stations.

The audio technician asks for a cup of tea. Hakim stares disapprovingly and serves a carbonated drink instead. The rest of the VOF team look at the technician with envy. Power comes back; the technician places the glass aside with a burp, looks back at the team triumphantly and everyone is ready to record again.

“I want to make it very clear to the government,” Hakeem says “that it should immediately take back its decision to implement VAT.”

He says that despite things becoming expensive, he has stored explosives which could last for months. However, Hakim mentions with downcast eyes that the mentor of suicide bombers, Mr Qari Hussain, has also demanded an increase in his pay. And he may have to lay him off too.

Wrapping up his speech, Hakim claims responsibility for the oil spill at America.

And declares that America will have to bear more such attacks if it doesn’t interfere to stop the imposition of VAT.

Then he makes some calls to ask about terrorist activities around the globe and claims responsibility for that too.

After the recording, the audio technician asks him to arrange for few explosions so that they can use it as background fillers. Hakim asks him to add the sound of wailing of innocent people as an added effect.

*Fidayeen is an army of suicide bombers.

omair.mahmood

Omair Mahmood

A news producer at Express News.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.