Shall I compare thee to an internet creep?

Published: September 3, 2011
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A love letter received by the author on Facebook.

It is fairly amusing being a Pakistani female on the internet. There have been an ever increasing number of mailas, who have finally decided that Orkut is so-last-century and have made their way to Facebook which offers better chances of fishing for a bachi online. I have had quite a few laughs reading poorly structured love messages that have found their way to my inbox (see picture above).

One of these studs professed his love for me with a message which was definitely longer than this article itself. When I stop and think back, it definitely made a very good proposal. In fact, if it was coming from someone whom I had known for at least a couple of years, I might have been mildly touched. However, comments like ‘the deepness’ of my eyes and ‘the angelic innocent beauty’ of my face which had driven him to profess his love are far from romantic when coming from a complete stranger. Sorry, they were just plain creepy.

The mysterious admirer’s story was that he had met me at a wedding ceremony and had fallen for me at first sight. Since then he had searched the highs and lows of the internet world to catch but a glimpse of me.

I promptly replied asking him to stop watching so many Hindi love stories, and to possibly find something constructive to do. Would it be constructive if he started writing love stories though?

I had just recovered from this amusing little incident that I safely stored in my ‘anecdotes-to-break-the-ice-in-as-awkward-a-way-as-possible’ list, when I received yet another proposal. I regret photoshopping my profile picture now.

This time, it was from someone who had even worse grammar, if this is indeed possible. This is just plain sad. Do mailas really have no tact at all?

Here are a few tips for you fellows, not for your benefit, but purely so that I don’t have to cringe every time I try to enjoy a stalker-like message in my inbox.

  1. Good grammar. Use it. You will never find a worthy bachi if you can’t juggle your tenses.
  2. Take it slow. You can’t fall in love with someone by visiting their profile on Facebook, so don’t even go there. Try something believable, it might actually work.
  3. Shave, shower, go out. Meet people in real life. And keep your internet time to enjoy high quality foreign babes. It’ll make you seem less desperate.

sara.muzzammil

Sara Muzzammil

An A level student based in Karachi who is interested in art and blogging. She tweets as @saramuzzammil twitter.com/SaraMuzzammil

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Sadia

    Hahaha, so true! Good job on the article Recommend

  • Aimy

    Great article! I think every Pakistani girl can empathize. Hopefully the mailas will read this and actually take into account the advice mentioned :PRecommend

  • http://www.pakistani-revival.blogspot.com Ovais

    well u clearly didn’t allow my previous two comments. A sign of fear i guessRecommend

  • not a maila, just a guy who thinks you look pretty. (See the period, grammar ;))

    ok come on seriously! you think with that picture as your tribune profile wont bring the mailas to your backyard than what will? ;) Recommend

  • http://tradersutra.com hariharmani

    Ha,Ha,I was expecting this sooner than later.Guy has been to one too many desi bollywood movie,only in wonderland bollywood,a well educated woman who just arrived in sub-continent from Good old USA,,falls for a complete illitrate rustic guy ,leave alone writing in good grammer,when mentioned good grammer,guy asked what is this animal”grammeeera,yeh kon sa janawaar hey?Pani mey ya asman mey,rawat hey?She finds this stupid remark cute,falls more deeply for him,and there followes a duet,near tree and stream,changing 4 cute fashionable dresses,all from the racks of new york 5th ave store. When will these ,neekum foof,will take us for a real?They keep dishing out this non-sense for last 50 years.Now new fad,boss ,cute one no less kareena kapoor falls for a well built body guard with upper story pretty much vacant,alha Salman khan,go see that contraption in ‘body guard’.No wonder we will safely be 3rd world country for another century,at least we will be dead without any further torture.Recommend

  • Ali Farooqi

    Omg .. this is soo good ! I pray for the man who tries to approach her for an arranged marriage. Tauba tauba .. le le gi :DRecommend

  • http://e riz

    i hope lover boy isnt reading this though ;)Recommend

  • HighAnxiety

    Stealth brag post?Recommend

  • http://www.6la8.com Confused

    ahh, no wonder I didn’t get that reply from you… :(Recommend

  • http://www.hasaanfoundation.org Shahbaz

    Nice, i really admire you to threw light upon this running cheap activity nowadays anyhow, it’s up to the mentality of the young generation which they belong to their environment. Recommend

  • Dr. Amyn Malik

    I guess your lover boy(s) will have a new excuse now. I read your article on the Tribune Blogs, that also had a pic of yours incidentally, and fell in love immediately :PRecommend

  • Mirza Abeer

    You know you could just adjust you’re privacy settings on facebook so that you don’t get messages from people you don’t know. Recommend

  • maria

    article was ok……but advises were lushhhhhhhhhhhh…;))loved themRecommend

  • Robin

    Was that a message even? I think those looked like random words jumbled together, thats all.

    Great article. Seriously what has happened to the guys these days. :)Recommend

  • https://www.facebook.com/mahrukh.azhar.ali.khan MRK

    Hahhahhahhaa.. Nice article and advises… :DRecommend

  • abc

    @ Sara the author

    You should realize that most of these bachis these mailas target are no grammar pros themselves. (Just check out the comments above!)

    And you should know this approach works with some people, sadly!Recommend

  • Mailaaa

    sent message to a total stranger two days ago… no reply yet… :( wish me luck Sara. Do you come with the same name on FB ;) Recommend

  • Amy

    Haha, this is veracious and funny! Recommend

  • http://www.pakistani-revival.blogspot.com Ovais

    I am disappointing with the mailaas.. level gira dia hai unhoon nay. I blame religious fanaticism for this with more girls in Bhurkas these days , I guess mailaas will hit on any girl they see .. Sad .There should be a war against this ..
    I am being sarcastic here (for the mailaas and attention seekers). .Recommend

  • http://top20lists.com Furqan

    hahaha. Nice job Sara. Its an awesome article to read and i will share it as well. Thank youRecommend

  • Faisel

    Shall I compare thee to a person who doesn’t seem to understand facebook privacy settings very well? If you don’t like the attention, you can easily avoid it. But, I suspect behind these complaints is a happy little person basking in temporary and fleeting internet attention. Recommend

  • Mn

    It goes the other way too. I have received a few unsolicited messages myself, and contrary to the reception shown by the author, I do appreciate the fact that someone found me attractive and took out the time to write a message. Recommend

  • A person with a good pic on FB

    Loser # 1
    hi XYZ(name) how have you been??? what a sweet pic you got on fb..!! your cheeky grin is so cute… you’re looking so sweet that you make me forget my pickup lines…….anyway you’re so sweet just like bounty a piece of paradise on earth…!!!

    Loser # 2
    Complain
    Why all beautiful people avoid me?
    Please answer me.

    Loser # 3
    Hey how ya doin ? Well we migh not know each other.. Actually I was searching for ma friend and your profile came across so yeah it was quiet hard to resist lolzzz .. Hiiiiiiii !!!!

    King of losers
    hi
    I am intended to fulfill desires of GIRLS / LADIES. Who in really deserves it. I am 30 Handsome Male Escorts in Karachi for Lonely GIRLS / LADIES Only. I am excellent in s**, massage and I can drive you crazy in that. I can provide what you deserve actually. Just feel free to contact me these are some charges which GIRLS / LADIES have to pay and those are lots kisses noting more.
    Waiting for your replies
    [email protected] dot com & [email protected] dot com

    and the list goes on n on..!!Recommend

  • Abbas

    hahahaha… spot on @ Faisel !!Recommend

  • http://www.barcablaugranes.com Shehryar Khan

    The guy wanted a ‘reply’ and you answered him with a ‘300 odd word article’.. Recommend

  • MK

    hahaha…. I completely agree with the criticism of the male folk here..Facebook privacy settings are there for a reason; also, come on – wake up and smell the roses – you have to be aware of what profile pic you put up – don’t say you don’t know what attracts attention and what doesn’t. lastly, dude – get over it; mailas exist, what’s the big deal. i’d humour, laugh at em and delete the message. big deal. ET – we need some more meaty articles in here.Recommend

  • Sonia

    @ all the guys critisizing the author about privacy settings…u guys there cud be some imp msg from someone unknown too u knw. and its so common. always blame the gurls. dont look at wat the guys r doing nd just start askin girls to cover up and ignore dem!!!

    good job writer i agree wit u. these mailas will do anythin for attention!!! even comment abt a good artivle!!Recommend

  • http://ashters.com/ Yumoo

    Worthy writer woman, know not thou thy power of enchantment? Thine own radiance, scorning to be dimmed by devices like cameras, shineth through every molecule of electricity that composes thy fb profile pic.

    That was fun. I feel like making a fake account, and hitting on random online women I have never seen in my life. Your article has made me realize my true calling.

    Did you break any ice with those so far?Recommend

  • MH

    I agree with Faisel. If you don’t like the attention, update your privacy settings. Life is as simple as you make it.

    Admit it, you like it all, don’t ya? Recommend

  • http://none Bilal

    yea whatever attention deficitRecommend

  • IB

    I too have experienced these stalkerish msgs finding their way into my inbox. Although the writer here has shone light on this matter in a funny way, some of the msgs I received were lewd and obnoxious. Yes, it’s a little ego boost to be getting attention, but sometimes it gets just too annoying…

    As far as the privacy settings concern goes, I don’t know about the author but I myself find it irritating to go as far as to block any sort of way for unknown people to msg me. Many a times, my long lost friends have found me by msging me on fb.

    Once again, the Pakistani society blames the victims rather than the culprits.Recommend

  • Ali Jang

    Hahaah, Incredibly funny article.

    @sara, though i would like to defend some of the guys. We are all not crazy. Some of us have no other option than facebook. And while this guy has gone quite overboard, you need to give love a chance, Who knows, it might turn out to be something special :DRecommend

  • Rizwan

    @hariharmani:
    You’re one to talk aren’t you? Oh sweet irony.Recommend

  • Faisel

    @Sonia: An important message from someone you don’t know? Like that Royal Family in Nigeria that needs our help!!??? If someone you don’t know really wants to get in touch with you about something important, they will find a way even if you have reasonable privacy settings. I guess the people that know you aren’t interesting enough for you (or maybe they know you too well ;) Recommend

  • Faisel

    @MH: Well said. Those that like to manufacture drama and admirers are usually able to do so. But the key word here is “manufacture”. It’s not real.

    Ah, to have a life that was so boring that I needed to manufacture crises like this…Recommend

  • Dawson

    @Ovais:

    the word is ‘disappointed’, not ‘disappointing’.
    Sorry I’m just another grammar fanatic.Recommend

  • Ibrar Ahmed

    Good Shot on the fit ball….
    You know what, its the age and the thoughts which make your personality and the people think that everyone is same everywhere which is wrong anyways it is the reality which you define and you will find it around in 85% the boys. :)Recommend

  • Dawson

    -To all those who think they’re above and beyond maila-pan’

    Laughter at such messages just doesn’t cut it. Its rooted in the mentality of the young generation. The excessive usage of ‘i l0v3 y3w5′ and so forth is driving the young generation, not in the direction of the pursuit of excellence but to a more mentally degenerating society. The author clearly isn’t in the favor of such an attitude hence directing the readers’ attention to such things.

    If people believe that it is a waste of time, and are looking for more ‘meaty’ articles, I would urge them to develop the habit of reading between the lines, because without doing so, we would continue to turn blind to frivolities of our age which can never lead to a constructive future.Recommend

  • Ibrar Ahmed

    If a girl do so then she is not maili, if a boy try to approach you he become maila, you talk to him may be he knows good grammar then you and could impress you. :) Recommend

  • Dawson

    @Ibrar Ahmed:

    Yes well, boys with good grammar AND better manners know the correct tactics of approach. Good grammar is essential, in any language, not just English. You could write in the anglicized version of urdu (what many refer to as ‘Roman Urdu’) with impeccably good grammar and be accredited for it with a reply.

    The gender bias in this case is pretty useless. Yes, the author wrote from her point of view because she is a girl. But that does not give right to all the men in the world to question her chivalry. She has not openly denounced the similar sad nature some females do possess.Recommend

  • DSK

    At the end of the day, it brought a sense of recognition to your being. take it or leave it, just pleast dont try to make maila’s look like in-human. What is it so different about a maila which ‘your-type-a-guy’ does not contain? Try working on this one, and getting some to help you out! i strongly doubt the analytical abilites here. (Wasted my time reading this one at ET – Again!)Recommend

  • Sara Muzzammil

    It’s interesting to see such a wide range of responses for my piece. Thank you all for your criticism, it’s much appreciated.Recommend

  • http://www.pakistani-revival.blogspot.com Ovais

    @Dawson:
    lol .. I know that sir , I was using spell check and selected the wrong option.. Recommend

  • Ibrar Ahmed

    @Dawson:
    I do agree with you. But you know what I many text of the girls in my inbox too which are very interesting and stupid too as compare to the loser boys according to the author and the many Girls do so. Its a famous quote that ” jab sheer ka peet bhara ho to wo shekar nhe karta” :)
    So its the problem when you have many opportunities then you don’t care about the small favors.Recommend

  • Sonia

    @Ibrar Ahmed

    its not abt the point ke larki karey ya larka…it is equally bad becuz it shows what level of thinking they have!!!Recommend

  • Sando

    Holland?Recommend

  • Rando

    @Sando:

    Netherland.Recommend

  • k

    I had to share the “note” i received on Facebook from this shayar type … i am pretty sure it is some frustrated, married maila, i loled outta my chair after reading it and so did my hubby. I changed my picture wicked witch of the west after getting this message.

    ” { MASHA ALLAH UR LOOKING GORGEOUS…}

    TARASHA HAI TUMHE SANGE MAR MAR SE..KHUSH NASEEB HAI WOH SANGE MAR MAR JO ISTEMAL HOWA HAI TERE MUJASSAMAI KAY LIYA..GEERA DE CHILMAN APNI HAYA PER NAZAR LAG JAYEGEE IS SANGE MAR MAR KO………

    ** =======**

    kash yeh waqth rukjae kahi pe yeh awaz suna hi dai ke hum hai ap ke lia ka ha ho tum……badi fursat se banaya hai bana nai wale nai tu main aye mere mehboob her cheez apni jagaper kasaam khara hi hai ke mujsa koee nahi ………waqee main ap ka yeh dawa khabile durust hai hum daiker tumari tasweer ko daikte rahai g…

    Kiya hum aapkay dost ban sakte hai…..? How r u There.

    can we friends……?? { I am From Qatar } Bye Tc of ur Health… ”

    Answer: Yes, WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER AND WHEN PIGS FLY !!!!!Recommend

  • yarly

    Man, I think this article seems to point out a serious problem in the psyche of our countrymen. We are quite incredibly suppressed. And it is these urges that turn into a fiasco like this. Recommend

  • Sam Khan

    Good one .. Helpful for those who wants to try one more time lolzzzRecommend

  • Furqan

    I agree with you, there are a lot of creeps out there.
    But the truth is, you like it yourself too. You like being praised and you like getting attention.Recommend

  • Eeman

    Had there been a man behind this article, he’d have been labeled as a misogynist. Recommend

  • Khabri

    Good article..fairly decent insight to what happens with Paki girls at social networks…people use it for proper bachi hunting and devote quite a time….

    But i am equally sure Legendary creepers will utilize your article and suggestions for even better onslaught..

    Enjoyed article more then anything.Recommend

  • Annie

    Its quite unbelievable that the mailas actually think they can get a girl by starting their conversation with the ever-so-cheap sentence “aap mujhse friendship Karo ge? Recommend

  • Arslan

    well well well—- what about those girls who make fake profile n thn add guys??? n ya few married ones are doing the same— am not trying to defend this abnormal guy mentioned in your article—but seriously there are many who would have replied and who knows—few might be dating this person right now—n ya in the end we all know how to delete a message—simply delete it or change ur settings— Mohabat ka elawa aur bhi ghum hain zamana meen—try to discuss those issues—peaceRecommend