10 rules to marry a ‘Clooney-aire’
A ‘Clooneyaire’ is the characteristic George Clooney brand of debonair, moneyed, elusive bachelor whom women universally covet as their future husband.
In order to qualify as a Clooneyaire, candidates must exude jet set glamour, age with the stylishness of James Bond, possess homes in spectacular locations, and count strings of pretty women as their exes. All the while, Clooneyaires must take great care to appear rakish instead of lecherous. After all, there’s no challenge that romance-novel reading women find more irresistible than the impossible task of reforming a hardened rake.
Why the hoopla over George Clooney?
‘Gorgeous George’ (as he’s nicknamed) may have turned half a century this May, but he remains one of the world’s most sought-after bachelors. An A-list actor and director, Mr Clooney’s traditionally rugged good looks include a square jaw complete with the requisite cleft, a full head of un-dyed gray hair, a twinkling sense of humour, and a strong interest in world affairs (both political and amorous). Hobbies include riding his dashing motorbike to and from his palatial Villa Oleandra in spectacular Lake Como, Italy.
George Clooney was named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997 as well as in 2006, as the only other people to have received this title twice along with Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp, something he mocks in his signature brand of wry wit. The future Mrs Clooney (or Girlfriend Clooney) would attend the Oscars swathed in Valentino gowns and Harry Winston diamonds, and spend her summers at Clooney’s palatial estates in Italy and at his place in Studio City, California. And let’s face it, who wouldn’t want Brangelina for their in-laws?
After a marriage that lasted from 1989 to 1993 to actress Talia Balsam (she is now 52), Clooney swore off remarrying and continued to sow his wild oats for the next two decades. Subsequent relationships and arm candy dates have been the topic of tabloid speculation with actors including Teri Hatcher, Kelly Preston, Renee Zelwegger and Lucy Liu, as well as former Vegas cocktail waitress Sarah Larson (Clooney is apparently an Equal Opportunity dater).
Mr Clooney also sports an international portfolio of girlfriends that includes British TV presenter Lisa Snowdon and supermodel Naomi Campbell. His most recent relationship, with little-known Italian actress Elisabetta Canalis (who currently models for Armani), ended after 2 years of yacht parties and black tie events. A few seconds after his breakup with the 32-year-old Ms. Canalis, Mr. Clooney began dating 31-year-old actress-turned-wrestler, Stacey Kiebler. On a recent trip to the delightful Villa Oleandra, Ms. Kiebler tweeted, “I’m in heaven” and “Life could not be any better, I’m smiling all day” (yeah, but it could get a lot worse).
Once You Go Pak, You Never Go Back
In 2009, Mr. Clooney was rumoured to be romantically interested in Fatima Bhutto, whom he met at an international peacekeeping conference. One may speculate that Clooney was attracted to Bhutto’s blend of Pakistani mystique, literary intellect, and ladylike reserve. Ms Bhutto, now 29, termed her alleged Hollywood hookup as “character assassination” by the Pakistani press.
Had she gone down the Clooney path, however, she may have stood a solid chance; after all, Pakistani women are adept at getting budding Clooneyaires to settle down, thanks to a society that can pressure even a commitment-phobic international playboy into marriage. In fact, ‘The Rules,’ (a classic dating-and-mating guidebook by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider for single women The Rules is amateurish in comparison with the set of guidelines that come naturally to many young Pakistani women, as ingrained by societal customs, aunties’ admonitions, and the experiences of their peers.
The secret? Pakistani women are ‘Keepers’ aka marriage material and the antithesis of a ‘Baby Mama’ (single unmarried moms) Here, a woman goes from being the daughter of a house to a daughter-in-law of another house, a status that remains until she becomes a mother-in-law herself. She is also adept at prompting a man to commit his lifetime to her (Jennifer Aniston, are you listening?)
While many a mother and her daughters complain of scarce commodities of highly eligible men, the stock market of partially eligible men rises to new highs, creating an imbalance in the demand and supply curves of the marriage market (these are times of recession, after all). Women of marriageable (and remarriageable) ages may be fiercely competitive on the one hand, while on the other hand, are increasingly reluctant to settle for less than their ideals. Nevertheless, societal pressures kick in and the wedding industry remains bullish, season after season.
Pakistani ‘Rules’ For Marrying A Clooneyaire
(Note: This is based on casual research and observation and to be taken with a pinch of salt)
Rule number 1: Demonstrate charm that appears natural and effortless and use your accent to full effect: keep it posh-Pakistani-sounding abroad to appear ‘exotic’ and keep it Anglo/American in Pakistan to appear ‘global.’
Rule number 2: Dress flatteringly but conservatively; the rule is to highlight only one well-toned asset at a time (like shoulders or calves) to avoid looking tarty. Your Clooneyaire should be looking into your eyes, not your cleavage.
Rule number 3: Create the opportunity for him to make the first move (no idea how that’s done, but that’s what they say). Even famous men like ‘the chase’ because they’re so used to being chased themselves.
Rule number 4: Flippantly mention that you’re aristocracy and casually pepper your conversation with illustrious relatives, ‘family friends’ who are heads of state and royalty, and prominent people who have proposed to you and been rejected. Your breeding and lineage should impress him as the future genetic half of his progeny.
Rule number 5: Pretend you don’t know who he is (unless he really is George Clooney). This helps if you’re semi-famous yourself, as is virtually everyone who’s been photographed for a society magazine).
Rule number 6: Looks are essential but not enough to sustain interest. Be well read, well traveled and better educated than your Clooneyaire is, but don’t make him feel like a total moron or he’ll run the other direction (apparently, women wait until after marriage to do that).
Rule number 7: Insist that you don’t want to be publicly photographed with him until you’re wearing a multi-carat engagement ring (unless it’s an A-list red carpet event that you can momentarily sacrifice the rule for).
Rule number 8: Never move countries/cities to be near him until after you’re married; only your husband ought to require such a sacrifice, not a mere potential. And absence makes the heart grow fonder (or, conversely, out of sight, out of mind).
Rule number 9: Appear the high maintenance princess that you deserve to be without looking shallow; keep your obsession for handbags and shoes for chatter with your friends. Be ingenious enough to intrigue the jaded palate of a mature Clooneyaire while continuing to look hotter than women ten or more years younger to prevent your eventual replacement.
Rule number 10: This one’s most important for women all over the world to emulate for getting their Clooneyaire: don’t move in with him until after you’re married. In Hollywood, things happen backwards: people hookup, then get pregnant, have a baby, move in together, get engaged, and only then get married if they’re still together after experiencing all of that.
Follow the correct, nice-Pakistani-girl order of things and, if it still doesn’t work out, quote Beyonce (“If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it”) and move the heck on as elegantly as can be.
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.