Six reasons why it’s great being a vampire during Ramazan

Published: August 8, 2011
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#1) The hours humans keep

Ramazan is a great boon to all vampire-kind because, finally, the rest of the fasting world adjusts its hours to our nocturnal lifestyle.

Because sunlight is particularly harmful to our undead dispositions, we are forced to sleep through the day — something that always gives vampires away. But during the splendiferous and holy month of Ramazan, no one bats (like the pun?)  an eye in suspicion as most people who fast (especially the delicious, unemployed ones) become torpid and enjoy taking leisurely afternoon siestas to ease their pangs.

Said the lone, unassuming rozadar to an ancient Margalla Hills vampire:

“Yar, I just had the best nap. Woke up and it was already sunset. Did you sleep too?”

“Jee, sab,” replied the vamp with a wide smile, his fangs glinting, “Jee, sab.”

#2) Hunting during Sehri

Now this is good fun. Droves of ‘juicy morsels’ are awake preparing to gorge themselves on ghee-fried everything. There’s a fair amount of hustle and bustle in the city during sehri, which simply increases the variety of person to feed on — an endless diaspora of blood types will take to the streets, hungry and ready to break bread.

In fact, the masses are so frenzied by sehri stress that we don’t even need to use our formidable powers to hypnotize our victims into following us to the abandoned lot behind Savour Foods. Simply lure them with a platter of anda paratha and pakoras (just make sure there’s no garlic in them. Yikes).

#3) Vampires can also enjoy iftari too

Although it’s impossible for us, as creatures of the night, to ingest food, Ramazan gives us a taste of some truly festive and nostalgic flavours, taking us way back to our mortal, God-fearing days. This is why I encourage patience in all my fanged kin: it’s always more rewarding to wait for your prey to finish iftar (after all, Ramazan teaches humans and vampires alike the value of patience). Their blood will be sweetened by energizing calories, trans-fats, Jaleybi residue, Rooh Afzah and fruit chat. Finally, a decent incentive for vampires to observe fasts as well.

Vampire 1: “Slurp, slurp, slurp. This is great, I can taste the Lime Tree iftari buffet on this one. What you get?”

Vampire 2: “Hold up…[smacks his lips, trying to determine the flavour]…ah yes, chaat from Lahori Chatkhara.

#4) Food comas (also see #1)

After good Muslims have opened their rozas, they become laconic and weakened from all that binge-eating; their faces glisten with sweat and grease as they lie back with their legs up, unable to move. This means easy pickings for us.

#5) No traffic, no stress

Don’t you just hate how roads get clogged near iftari time and people drive like feral beasts, their famished jaws howling and slavering, totally incensed by the smell of dalda-fried khana? Don’t you wish you could skip the unpleasant drive altogether and simply ‘appear’ wherever you need to be? Lucky for us, we can fly over the miles of snaking traffic — from F-11 to G-6 in no time. En route, we can also swoop down for a light snack should the need to refuel ever arise.

#6) The power of Christ compels you!

Movies like The Exorcist tend to harp on a basic truism: all clubs and coteries of demons and supernatural forces (member since 1987) are deathly frightened of religious dogma, priests and blessed objects. They say that during the month of Ramazan, the Devil goes away. Vampires say: During the month of Ramazan, the Maulvis go away; meaning, they’re too busy with Tarawihs to actually smite/repel us.

Rayan Khan

Rayan Khan

A reporter for the Life and Style and City pages of The Express Tribune in Islamabad. He contributes to a column "Culture Vulture".

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.