Why was I enduring all of this? This relationship was not like my dead marriage which I was holding on to just for my kids and for the sake of society. PHOTO: PEXELS

It all started with a so-called wrong number

But it was after our first fight that I came to know that I wasn’t just a wrong number.

Maya M October 19, 2018
I come from an open-minded household; however, my beliefs about relationships and marriage are very traditional. I disapproved of love before wedlock and looked down upon affairs and relationships. I got married young to a man much older; he became my friend, lover and confidant. Even after having children, we are inseparable.

It was only when I found out about my husband’s affair that I broke down and my whole life seemed like a lie to me. I still chose to forgive and forget considering my values did not allow for a divorce and I chose to stay with him. For the sake of my children, I tried to normalise my life.

I was going through one of those phases where my life seemed like a complete mess. I had just returned from Australia and hadn’t celebrated my birthday, my parents were not in the country and because I had to have my apartment vacated on a week’s notice, the tenants had left it in a mess. Nothing seemed right, even my marriage was in shambles.

In the midst of all this chaos, I received a phone call. It was a wrong number, someone probably dialled it by mistake (which I later found out wasn’t the case). I answered and the man on the other end of the line started rambling on without giving me a chance to tell him that I wasn’t the person he was expecting and I didn’t have the slightest clue what he was talking about.

After he was done with his speech, I politely informed him that he had dialled the wrong number and I did not know him or the woman he was referring to, and that I certainly did not owe him money. However, he wouldn’t give in and insisted that he had spoken to that woman on this number.

It started from this so-called wrong number.

That very same evening, he had messaged me on WhatsApp, apologising for his mistake and the conversation took off from there. I can now say that I was vulnerable at that time and needed some attention. He told me about his career; he was or rather is in the catering and event management business. Being a very creative person myself, his work caught my interest.

Before I knew it, this random person wasn’t random anymore – we had become close. We started sharing intricate details of our life – marriage issues (since he was married as well) and dreams that never came true. We continued conversing over the phone for four days after which he insisted on meeting in person. So we set a date and a time to meet. It was a short meeting – he picked me up and we went for a drive. After meeting in person, what was just a virtual bond confined to a messaging app, became stronger and something more. We were not just people in our display pictures; we had become real to each other.

We started talking day and night. We would meet three to four times a week at his friend’s place and play ludo or watch a movie. In the span of just two months, we had gotten to know each other very well; it seemed as if we were made for each other. It’s true what they say, it takes a second to know someone. We just clicked.

It was after our first fight that I came to know that I wasn’t just a wrong number. He had gotten my number from his friend who was an acquaintance of mine. What I also realised during our first fight was how much he meant to me and that I had fallen in love with him.

We were bound together in this bond of love; but in the process, I had become his slave. Adhering to his wishes, I wouldn’t wear what he didn’t like and I avoided any physical interaction with my husband. Even though my new friend wanted me to stay away from my husband, he wasn’t doing the same with his wife. I was adhering to the extent that I even started asking him for 'permission' before going anywhere. It seemed as if his life was the same, whereas my life revolved around him.

My husband did not seem to mind our lack of intimacy either since he was not interested himself, which hurt me and my marriage further. Noticing me engrossed in my phone a little too much lately, my husband became curious and found out about my friend. He investigated about him and told me he is not trustworthy and is very unreliable. He told me that my friend is an alcoholic, spoilt brat and 'enjoys changing women like people change their clothes'.

But I did not believe him.

Since my friend and I were unable to meet frequently, he would pick fights and argue over petty issues out of frustration. His hurtful words hit me like an arrow piercing through my heart. I once again felt all alone and could not stop the constant flow of tears from my eyes. Being in love with him made me blind to all his faults; I would forgive him and ignore all the pain he was causing me. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and tell myself that there must be a reason behind his misbehaviour towards me.

I was becoming a punching bag and a person of convenience for him. I didn’t realise until much later that he didn’t respect me and that I was just a free toy who he could get his way with just by saying “jaan, I love you”.

Our fights became more frequent. He started blocking me and avoiding me for three months, then even six months. He knew he could be as mean, rude and insensitive as possible and all it would take is a single “I love you” from him for things to go back to as they were.

This relationship was not like my dead marriage which I was holding on to just for my kids and for the sake of society. I did not understand why I was holding on so tight. Why was I enduring all of this?

When I did a comparison between my husband and my friend, I realised that my husband was reliable, caring and maybe he didn’t tell and show me frequently that he loved me, but perhaps in his own way he did. I was safe with him, he respected me and made people respect me. Whereas this friend of mine did not respect me and was just using me when he had no one to go to.

My best friend finally made me realise that I have neither gained anything from this relationship nor will in the future as she can assure me that even though he makes several promises of getting married, I will never leave my husband. She felt that there was no point in me enduring his abuse when there can never be a future between us considering the dynamics of our so-called relationship.

My vulnerability led me to do what I did, and then I just got so used to him being around and giving me all that attention that he became a habit. I had gotten used to his abuse because I had unwillingly fallen in love with him.

Love is the purest, most sincere feeling in the universe, but through this experience I learnt that love without respect and commitment has no value. Love is selfless, you do not hurt or put the person you claim to love through hell. Love means to give not take, you don’t use someone for your own convenience and justify it by saying you love them.

My husband was very patient throughout the one year he knew I had befriended someone but he trusted me to know I didn’t cross my boundaries. It’s been five years since I have been friends with that guy. We have gone through a lot in which I was always the victim of his ego, frustration and jealousy. For him, our relationship was and still is just like a business transaction which he paid for by using the word love. As they say, some people can stay in our hearts but not in our lives. For me, he lives only in my heart.
WRITTEN BY:
Maya M The writer is a journalist.
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necassarily reflect the views and policies of the Express Tribune.

COMMENTS (4)

Raheel Attaullah | 5 years ago | Reply Listen to "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor.
Andrew Davis | 5 years ago | Reply I am sorry about what all I just read. It was an eye opener as well.Thank you for sharing it and I hope that things work out between u and ur husband. Stay blessed and stay safe. That is all that I can say and I hope that you get what u wanted in life.
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