30 rules for survival in Pakistan
The mammoth difference between the lifestyles, and opportunities, provided to the so called elite, and the average man living a hand-to-mouth life, in our country, is nothing new to us.
If you wish to survive in this country, you have to climb on the bandwagon.
And the following instruction will tell you exactly how to do that. Please follow them very carefully. In case anything goes wrong or you are left morally impaired or religiously handicapped, just die.
1. If you are already filthy, and ridiculously rich, go directly to instruction number nine.
2. If you do not think you can ever be rich living here, just die.
3. If you are willing to do anything to be rich, please continue reading.
4. Now that we have established that being rich is of the utmost importance, let’s review some steps on how to get there.
5. Start early in life – lying is a good way to start. It can be your cornerstone for other things to come.
6. Lie, cheat and steal. Schools are the best place to practice these attributes. Be as good as you can be at these. They will come in handy in the future.
7. Be very clear in your mind, that whatever profession you choose or whatever you do in life should have only one purpose: to be filthy rich.
8. If you think you have any other purpose in life, just die.
9. The poor don’t matter. They are only a figment of some people’s imagination.
10. Remember: All rules can be broken, twisted and manipulated in any way you want. You just have to be at the right post to do that.
11. It is okay to murder. It is not really a crime in this country. Blasphemy on the other hand might get you some whipping so that is a no-no.
12. Loans are not actually loans. They are free takeaways. They come with a no return policy.
13. The higher the post you occupy, the more it becomes your moral obligation to commit bigger crimes.
14. If you feel you are lagging behind in popularity, form a political party. (Free tip for naming your party: Doesn’t matter what you name it, just have ‘Pakistan’ somewhere in there.)
15. Bribes are only bribes if taken by people you don’t know.
16. Being a Maulvi grants you an added advantage of making up whatever rubbish you want to about religion.
17. Be very clear about your provincial background. If you don’t belong to any of the provinces and don’t think they mean more to you than the whole country itself, just die.
18. It is okay to make friends who are just as morally dead as you are. We are all going to hell anyway.
19. Don’t worry about going to college. A degree is a degree, be it fake or real.
20. If an opportunity presents itself to make money illegally, we all pity the fool who is left behind.
21. Traffic rules are for driving schools and senior citizens.
22. It is compulsory for you to buy the latest Land Cruiser, tint it up and leave off the number plates.
23. Have a Police mobile escort or two with you at all times. Also, it’s okay to drive on the wrong side of the road with your motorcade whenever you please.
24. By now if you’re finding it hard to keep up, just die.
25. If you have kids, and you love them, then make sure you do not send them to a university in this country.
26. When you feel you have amassed enough money by hook or by crook, amass some more.
27. You absolutely cannot live in a house or mansion whose size is less than 1,000 square yards.
28. If you feel you have reached a point where you have bent every rule and bribed everyone you could have bribed and still your work isn’t getting done, remember, there is always someone out there who can be bribed.
29. If traffic does not need to be held at a standstill for you to move around the city, then you have wasted your life.
30. If you felt you’re nothing like the people mentioned in these instructions and you still live in Pakistan, just die.
This post was originally published here.
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.