30 rules for survival in Pakistan

Published: June 14, 2011
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Have a Police mobile escort or two with you at all times. Also, it’s okay to drive on the wrong side of the road with your motorcade whenever you please.

The mammoth difference between the lifestyles, and opportunities, provided to the so called elite, and the average man living a hand-to-mouth life, in our country, is nothing new to us.

If you wish to survive in this country, you have to climb on the bandwagon.

And the following instruction will tell you exactly how to do that. Please follow them very carefully. In case anything goes wrong or you are left morally impaired or religiously handicapped, just die.

1.  If you are already filthy, and ridiculously rich, go directly to instruction number nine.

2.  If you do not think you can ever be rich living here, just die.

3.  If you are willing to do anything to be rich, please continue reading.

4.  Now that we have established that being rich is of the utmost importance, let’s review some steps on how to get there.

5.  Start early in life – lying is a good way to start. It can be your cornerstone for other things to come.

6.  Lie, cheat and steal. Schools are the best place to practice these attributes. Be as good as you can be at these. They will come in handy in the future.

7.  Be very clear in your mind, that whatever profession you choose or whatever you do in life should have only one purpose: to be filthy rich.

8.  If you think you have any other purpose in life, just die.

9. The poor don’t matter. They are only a figment of some people’s imagination.

10. Remember: All rules can be broken, twisted and manipulated in any way you want. You just have to be at the right post to do that.

11. It is okay to murder. It is not really a crime in this country. Blasphemy on the other hand might get you some whipping so that is a no-no.

12. Loans are not actually loans. They are free takeaways. They come with a no return policy.

13. The higher the post you occupy, the more it becomes your moral obligation to commit bigger crimes.

14. If you feel you are lagging behind in popularity, form a political party. (Free tip for naming your party: Doesn’t matter what you name it, just have ‘Pakistan’ somewhere in there.)

15. Bribes are only bribes if taken by people you don’t know.

16. Being a Maulvi grants you an added advantage of making up whatever rubbish you want to about religion.

17. Be very clear about your provincial background. If you don’t belong to any of the provinces and don’t think they mean more to you than the whole country itself, just die.

18. It is okay to make friends who are just as morally dead as you are. We are all going to hell anyway.

19. Don’t worry about going to college. A degree is a degree, be it fake or real.

20. If an opportunity presents itself to make money illegally, we all pity the fool who is left behind.

21. Traffic rules are for driving schools and senior citizens.

22. It is compulsory for you to buy the latest Land Cruiser, tint it up and leave off the number plates.

23. Have a Police mobile escort or two with you at all times. Also, it’s okay to drive on the wrong side of the road with your motorcade whenever you please.

24. By now if you’re finding it hard to keep up, just die.

25. If you have kids, and you love them, then make sure you do not send them to a university in this country.

26. When you feel you have amassed enough money by hook or by crook, amass some more.

27. You absolutely cannot live in a house or mansion whose size is less than 1,000 square yards.

28. If you feel you have reached a point where you have bent every rule and bribed everyone you could have bribed and still your work isn’t getting done, remember, there is always someone out there who can be bribed.

29. If traffic does not need to be held at a standstill for you to move around the city, then you have wasted your life.

30. If you felt you’re nothing like the people mentioned in these instructions and you still live in Pakistan, just die.

This post was originally published here.

Mobeen ur Rehman

Mobeen Ur Rehman

A doctor, an artist, a musician and a short stories writer, who is working on becoming a better human being.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Natasha Kundi

    True, oh so true. We can not deny all this. Everything is just crystal clear.Recommend

  • Asif

    A very Lame article.You have portrayed Pakistan as the worst country in the world.I’m amazed at the extent people go just to get fame.Recommend

  • marYam

    pessimism extreme…Recommend

  • Asif

    A very lame article.I’m amazed at the extent people go just to get fame.Recommend

  • Mohammed Naeem

    What is this? I mean Express Tribune and such a street level writing?Recommend

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=528440636 Hira Zulfiqar Ali

    Very well said Bro!Recommend

  • Amanullah

    Thumbs Up if you like the article..!Recommend

  • Mobeen

    I appreciate the fact that the Tribune published this write up. Although I would’ve also appreciated it if they had not changed the title and my sentences here and there that inadvertently ends up changing the flavor of the whole thing. (e.g in point.28 not only the sentence has been changed, the word ‘be’ has also been left out). The opening paragraph was originally structured very differently which told what the following article is about without people having to think that the write has lost his mind. None-the-less it’s the editor’s job to edit (although quite unnecessarily in changing the sentences above). I’m sure the writers would appreciate it more if their writing essence is not changed up unless due to grammatical errors.
    It should not even have to be mentioned, but something tells me it still should be, that this is satirical humor. It is not to be taken literally and for your own good I hope noone actually tries to follow these instructions. In the end everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
    The article was sarcastically originally titled ‘How to make it in Pakistan’.Recommend

  • Dr. Bilawal Ahmed

    What was this … should have a disclaimer “Only for gags” … a worst try to create humor out of this… This is not all funnyRecommend

  • Loller

    I will leave a very simple question and a very simple follow on comment related to that question:

    What have you done to try and change any of the 30 things you mentioned?
    If nothing significant or you have tried but failed at gaining any ground at changing things and want to give up on this country, please leave and go somewhere else. Don’t give me the crap that you don’t have the means of just leaving like the filthy rich. If there is a will there is a way. Go cross the border to Afghanistan, Iran or hell even India. If at all a little ambitious try to break into Europe or something. If you think that escaping is just too hard to do in order to try and improve your life elsewhere because you have given up on this country, then you can do exactly what you listed at the end of majority of your 30 points. Either way, good luck. Cheerio!
    Recommend

  • Raj

    @author : The problems you portrayed are generic to south Asian people. I want to ask you whether you bribed anybody ever in your lifetime to get your work done. If yes then first stop doing that and set examples for your friends and families and ensure they spread the chain. If no then great, but then I am sure there will be few more people like you who don’t get bent so easily by the system. I am not denying the picture that you have depicted. But nothing is absolutely perfect in this world. Our responsibility is to make it better and thrive for the so called perfection. That does not mean that we should be ignorant about the malices within our society but that need not be pictured in a very cynical manner as it will dishearten the mass. Let’s be positive and wrap those harsh facts along with some glorious examples of honesty, humanity and character which may turn out to be inspiring for people around us and can act as a trigger for a positive change.

    Two cents from an Indian.Recommend

  • Omair B.

    very, very lame. Recommend

  • http://www.pakmetro.blogspot.com Khawar Khan

    Well, the article could have been better… anyways a nice try. Do read the following article also.

    How to support a Corrupt Government (For Beginners) Recommend

  • parvez

    I thought it was great, you obviously have a twisted funny side.
    If you can’t laugh at yourself, just die.Recommend

  • UmerSid

    Very Very True! I have honors in Electrical Engineeing from the top most University of Pakistan.I was unemployed for six months while I watched my fellow students from rich families (who hav’nt even completed courses mandatory for graduation) getting Jobs in multinatoinals.Now I am employed but I still know some of my friends who teach in academies to support their families just because they don’t have enough money to bribe someone in the national or provincial assembly.Recommend

  • Ihk

    Sweeping statements… does not imply to everyone.Recommend

  • Dr. Sohaib Zareef

    EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN!

    this lad has a natural knack for story-telling, eh, what? Except this story be all too real and familiar to us cretins and concubines of the ruling elite. High-ho, the revolution, yo! it calls, it barks, frothing at the mouth like a deranged pup, detached from its wolf-mother’s teat, which is slovenly preoccupied with getting its fat belly satiated with all of life’s little treats. May the best of us, rest with the dust!Recommend

  • http://saidcanblog.blogspot.com Said Chaudhry

    Repeatedly telling people who are struggling to give up hope and “just die” is not satire, its not even cool. And its even worse hearing a ‘doctor’ say those words. Recommend

  • MANN O SALWA

    @author:

    if you are such a hapless person – just die.
    humans are the powere creation of ALLAH PAAK … dont try to provke greediness of money among countrymen . it is this hunger of money, which is taking peace and human behaviour from us.Recommend

  • Batteryshed

    An excellent article, which should essentially replace the constitution and has garnered a space on my room’s poster wall.Recommend

  • http://www.technoriztic.com/ ameen

    Yes, right these are the rules on should follow in order to get success in Pak .Recommend

  • sars

    one rule you forgot to live in pk……..get a sense of humor.
    So many earnest people writing in to attack you.As a nation we have very little tolerance for satire …especially not when its aimed at ourselves.Choose your audience wisely man.Recommend

  • FF

    This was well articulated. I feel your anger though..Luke…I mean Mobeen and that after a long list of crap that yoda would then spew out, leads to the dark side.

    The traffic standing still for you to feel accomplished was an instant classic.Recommend

  • Nas

    Please dont spread pessimism by potraying Pakistan such a horrible place to live. Recommend

  • Fahad Raza

    Looks like a suicide note of 30 reasons to die…in PakistanRecommend

  • Anon

    If you had the apathy to write up all this, rather than spend the same time in any positive work, “just die”.
    Recommend

  • CaffeinatedBliss

    First time I’ve ever laughed, reading an ET Blog. Well done!! If you do not have a sense of humor, just die.Recommend

  • Fahd

    “When you are unable to laugh at yourself, it is time for others to laugh at you.” – NeitzscheRecommend

  • mrkarachi007

    bilkul theek bola app ney boss.. good articleRecommend

  • youth

    get a life ppl…he’s not suggesting u seriously to die….it is humor…if u guys mind this portrait of ur country,thn step out and change it,…show some tolerance for other’s opinion…he’s as much Pakistani as u guys are…Recommend

  • maria

    what the hell is wrong with u? n whats that “just die” after almost every line??……if u dont know how to write a better article then that,just die ;))Recommend

  • khurram kaleem

    thumbs up! Recommend

  • faiyaz

    chill folks..its just a satire..u gotta gulp it down and chilaxRecommend

  • Rafay Zaidi

    Gud article, i must say it is spreading some pessimism but its exactly what is happening these days!Recommend

  • ksahmad

    If you have kids, and you love them, then make sure you do not send them to a university in this country.

    I did not get point . Why? Our universities are fine i think . @author and others,..Recommend

  • suleman asfand

    well after what i read in this article,i’ll be anxiously waiting for what we call “THE SOLUTIONS” and if not it’s and advise for the writter,SIR if you can’t write the solutions of these problems which you mentioned above…PLZ JUST DIERecommend

  • Mastishhk

    Guys stop attacking the author…Its a very well written piece..If u guys don’t have a sense of humor..Just Die …………Recommend

  • Ali

    I am really trying hard to follow these rules.. lets see if i get my hands on a land cruiser.Recommend

  • Samar Mughal

    @ Author:

    Here's a little piece of advice for you, if at all you want to establish your satirical writings, please make sure not to include your country's hardships into it no matter how brilliant your ideas may seem. Cuz at the end of the day, we all pop up as the ostrich who is scared to look with eyes wide open and admit what's wrong within. You have skills and you can make use of it in many different ways. Scratch only where it does not hurt !
    Recommend

  • WM

    Not very far from the fact but very poorly written and left a bad taste. Creating humour is not everyone’s job.Recommend

  • M. Uzair Sukhera

    Useless rhetoric!Recommend

  • http://none vikash

    i am not understanding what are you saying?Recommend

  • http://www.bonfriends.org/2011/02/16/the-purpose-of-life/ Selina Gilani – Relationship

    One of the lamest article i have ever read. For effort of writing i can give u 8/10 but about the quality of article…i think u should just die…Recommend

  • madiha

    definitely a bad attempt at sarcasm. Just die?

    or a cheap way to get traffic on blogs as ‘lists always work’

    and bad bad choice tribune. its a put off to a lot of users. Recommend

  • Haris S

    If you’re reading this then you should just die!!Recommend

  • Khalid Rahim

    Strenghth of charcater comes through facing adversity with humility and turning the tables around without flinching.Recommend

  • The Patriot

    Most of the people missed the humor!Recommend

  • Ummar

    lame!!!Recommend

  • umar

    haha, it was the best one..Recommend

  • T

    Super Hilariously true!!! :)Recommend

  • http://afisays.blog.com Norwegian Pakistani

    It has pessimism written all over! I feel depressed after reading this.Recommend

  • Khan

    fitttayyyyy mun!Recommend

  • Ramiz

    excellent article…no matter what one says this is the reality of life in pakistan.we r not the worst country in the world but are on our way to becoming oneRecommend

  • :)

    Be an Optimistic,man !!!
    We can surely die FOR Pakistan. Not because OF Pakistan.Recommend

  • Irshad Khan

    Writer has shown a mirror to our deteriorating values. Good analysis in a light way. Recommend

  • rana

    really wants to face all the realities…………..every one here that refuse these realities.
    admit your mistake is the first step of success Recommend

  • dee

    this website is ANTI-PAKISTAN!! probably indians behind thisRecommend

  • Saad Sikander

    To the author of this article. “If you haven’t done anything to change any of the 30 things that you mention, then just die!”Recommend

  • ahmad junaid

    dude u have shown the worst picture but unfortunately its all true, the guy is not pessimist he is REALISTIC, its good atleast we felt ashamed of what we all are doing. MONEY MONEY MORE MOENY that’s alll what we dream of.Recommend

  • Rafeh

    @Asif:
    Face the reality dude………..Recommend

  • Umair Waheed Sheikh, Khayban e Hafiz,Karachi

    I have all the qualities of making it big in Pakistan. Woohoo!Recommend

  • rabia hashmi

    so trueRecommend

  • Sarah

    My only problem with this write-up is the fact that those amongst us who actually give a damn about this great country of ours, don’t need to read this piece to know what’s wrong with the system; and those who don’t care about the goings-on in Pakistan, won’t give a damn anyway….so where does that leave us? Recommend

  • Danish Gul Khan

    My dear frnd…

    Do you follow all rules of traffic ??
    Haven’t you drove the car before 18 ??
    Do you pay proper tax??
    Dont you facilitate yourself with Kunda ??
    Don’t you bribe policemen for not having driving license ??

    My friend, criticism is one of the easiest things to do. If you think your life will be ruined in develoing any corner of this country, developp it for your children. You got a BAD SITUATION…if you did not work for this dear homeland…OUR CHILDREN WILL GET WORST SITUATION !!!

    Jo game hamare sath ho rha he…come outta it dude !!! Recommend

  • http://arfa-ezazi.blogspot.com/ Arfa Ezazi

    If you’re being sarcastic, then HEY BRAVO YOU DID AN EXCELLENT JOB! If it’s not meant as irony, PSHT, DUDE, WHERE’S YOUR SENSE OF PATRIOTISM?! :O

    As a reply to this post, I have only 1 thing to say:

    http://arfa-ezazi.blogspot.com/2011/06/glass-is-half-filled-sick-of-negativity.html

    Please feel free to drop a comment.Recommend

  • Punk

    God. What is wrong with people? I found this absolutely hilarious.. If you don’t get satirical humor, well, you know what you should do right!? Good.Recommend

  • sid

    if you life this article/blog.. just die!Recommend

  • dr.dan

    very well written.
    for all haters up there , “truth is always bitter.”

    poor has no life in Pakistan. Common man is not even treated as Human being .
    You have no life in Pak , if you got no political affiliation or influence. A street constable can stop you and threaten to put you in jail for the law you did not even break.

    “Pakistan sey Zinda bhag”Recommend

  • mahindar

    @author “Just die.”Recommend

  • Disillusioned

    This is so true. Those whining about how it portrays Pakistan as a ‘horrible place to live’ forget that it is a horrible place to live for people like me with limited resources and no ‘oonchi sources’ to get things done for me. People like me who can’t afford a generator and have to rely on my UPS which dies after 3 hours of loadshedding.
    People like me who get mugged every other day, either traveling on buses or walking on roads.

    And don’t tell me to move out of here. Because trust me, that’s all I want. I don’t want to live here. I don’t see any hope for the future, nor do I see the potential for a change since this nation is morally dead.Recommend

  • MZ

    Really liked the piece because most of the the things you pointed out have been enmeshed so well with our routine life that we accept them as they are and fail to notice the strangeness. Eg. points 5, 7 and 21. This is not a pessimistic image of Pakistan but a picture close to reality.Recommend

  • Zohaib

    I can understand the sentences, you actually wanted to say and haven”t written in the article. As an artist, filmmaker and the writer i also do agree in what you believe. Keep it up and i like the way u write..”just die”.Recommend

  • Natasha

    Mobeen you are soooooooo right….. Recommend

  • Ali Arif

    what you read is what is going on in the country and is a direct shot at the zardari. dont take it soo personally. getting soo touchy and personal is another problem we have as pakistanis.

    lame article yes. but its the truth, the sooner we admit to it, the sooner we can change it. problem is we are just not willing to admit it.

    my view on our country is very simple. the first thing we need to do is a public execution of anyone who calls himself a politician, a bullet in the head. extreme, yes, but unfortunately it has come to that point that i am willing to killing these bastards and face the gallows rather than watch them destroy whats left of my country

    remember by default, the job of a politician is to lie. i dont care whether is zardari or the shareefs or imran khan or whoever.

    its very easy to blame the army for the mess we are in, but lets get the fact straight, it was us civilians who brought in Zardari as the president. we brought him on top of us. now pakistani quam, bhuktu iss ko. Recommend

  • http://comedeathmay.wordpress.com Ajwi

    The writing itself may is a good example of freestyle and street rep.
    But the thing is, Pakistan isn’t the only case with these 30 things. Look around, most of the countries have this problem.Recommend

  • Alirana

    OK
    Express Tribune is officially the worst blog I’ve ever been to
    The Lamest. Extremely pessimistic article.
    Most of the posts on this blog make you feel bad if you’re Pakistani. the style makes you wish “Pakistaniat se achi moat hai”. I’m sorry, It just does!Recommend