Everything you always knew about Lollywood

I give you my small list of movie conventions back from the 1980s with the sole purpose of making you laugh.

I have to hand it to the Pakistani film industry of the 1980s and 1990s. Each film never failed to be a block buster hit regardless of having a very predictable plot line - the good guys, the bad guys and the age old triumph of good over evil, and yes, the hero gets the prettiest girl on the screen and all go home happy. This is a typical filmi "happily ever after."

Does any of this sound familiar?

I present to you my small list of movie conventions back from the 1980s with the sole purpose of making you laugh.

The hero: The best person around

An ideal son, loyal friend, best singer/dancer, best lover, best speaker, best card player, you name it. He has no trouble getting into any kind of work and becoming a master at it. The hero has magic in his words and can convince a large crowd with ease. He sings at any occasion and is never short of fine poetry. He can change into any costume at any point during the song. When he sings for the heroine at a gathering, no one but she realises that his song is addressed to the her.

Another quality of the hero is that he is a great fighter. Bad guys may empty a whole round of bullets from their machine gun but not a single bullet touches the hero; he dodges all of them easily. On the other hand, our hero who usually has a small pistol just aims at goons and still never misses!

The hero can jump ahead or backwards as high and at any angle he likes. He can run behind a car, jeep or a motorcycle if need be and the villain can never escape. A single punch from the hero is enough for Chief Villain's goons no matter what the number.

The heroine: The 'prettiest girl' on the screen

Apparently, she is rude but eventually it turns out that in fact, she is an innocent and kind girl. She barely notices our gallant hero until he saves her from the hands of some nefarious villain. A romantic song in some lush green garden is in order and then they inevitably fall in love. Their teenage love story hits a bump though as it turns out that the heroine's rich daddy is the scary chief villain. In some movies however, she is already betrothed to a rich spoiled brat. In such cases, the fiance plays the role of the chief villain.

The helpful friends

The hero's BFF is a kind hearted loyal friend who usually gives his heart to the heroine's BFF. He is almost as good as our hero, but remains second best in comparison to him. The BFF is a very useful support character in films. He usually helps the hero in courting the lovely heroine and in doing so; he falls head over heels in love with the heroine's BFF. The heroine's BFF is a heroine's side kick and both usually go to the same college. She dislikes the hero's BFF just as much as the heroine dislikes the hero. Both these BFFs become a pair as soon as the hero and heroine fall in love. However, unlike the hero and the heroine, the BFFs do not have an exclusive song proclaiming their undying love.

Other than the BFFs, the hero and heroines also have some dancing friends who show up out of nowhere the minute any one of them decides to sing a peppy number.

The hero's mother and sister

The hero’s mother is always a noble lady who is sometimes blind. The sister is ordinary looking, but a decent and respectful girl with a heart of gold. In other cases, if the girl is the Hero's ‘moon boli behn,’ then the lucky girl becomes important with immediate effect. If anyone dares hurt the hero's mother or sister in any way, all hell breaks loose. The hero leaves no stone unturned to find the culprit and give him a lesson he never forgets.

The happy ending

After the final fight is finished, we see that all of the hero's friends and family stand in a straight line with all the couples standing in pairs. At this point, an elder family member announces the hero's wedding with the lovely heroine. They crack up some stupid family joke and everyone laughs, sealing a happy ending.

Given this basic outline, each movie adds its own specifications to it. Is there any movie fact you want to add to this list? You're more than welcome!