Help! My boyfriend won’t cuddle

Published: July 24, 2011
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Just because you love an emotionally unavailable man doesn't mean he will love you back.

Dear Miss Informed,

Help me understand why my boyfriend has time for work at his father’s clinic, his cousin’s wedding, his own side business and to pick his mom from Nano’s place and  to drop his brother to school – but no space for me in his life?

He doesn’t have time to call or even text. Just a brief ‘good morning’ and “Baby, I am so tired, let’s sleep. Goodnight”

Miss Informed, I know he loves me but why do I always have to be the one to understand his problems? Sometimes I wish he would spoil me, pamper me and do cheesy things – but he shows no signs of this at all.

I am proud of the fact that he is good at every task and every one needs his assistance. I am happy that he is a good guy.

Please, help me understand why he is always too busy too cuddle.

Love,

Not-so-GF

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Dear Not-so-GF,

Is your boyfriend a superhero, the president or the leader of a massive revolution? If not than “not having time” is simply not a good excuse. When you are dating you find time to stay in touch with your girlfriend. He can stop by your office to say hello on the way back from dropping his brother to school. He can send you a “what’s up” email from his office computer. He can text you a happy face in the middle of the day to show that he’s thinking about you.

He doesn’t.

What he does do is call you only in the mornings and the nights when he, essentially, has nothing better to do – even then he does not commit to actual conversations.

Ask yourself:

– What are you really gaining from this relationship?

– How does he show you that he cares?

– Does he ask about your day or how you feel about issues?

– Does he only get in touch when he needs to talk?

There are two possibilities in this scenario:

1. He doesn’t know what to say

It is possible that your boyfriend does care but does not have the ability to communicate his feelings. Not all guys are up to the romantic baby talk that some girls like. He may not ‘spoil’ or ‘ pamper’ you but he could show his affection in more subtle ways.

Your boyfriend seems to have a busy schedule and has to juggle professional and personal responsibilities. While it is great that you are an understanding of his packed timetable it is time he show some thoughtfulness as well. Tell him how you feel, if he is the great guy you say he is then he will make an effort to make you feel special.

2.  He doesn’t want to talk

If you hesitated while answering the questions above then you may be fooling yourself about the nature of your relationship. Your boyfriend pays attention to you whenever it is convenient for him or when he wants something from you.  He has not committed to you emotionally and maybe he never will.

You say you ‘know he loves you’ but does he ever say that in front of others. Does he introduce you to his friends and family?

Remember: Just because you love an emotionally unavailable man doesn’t mean he will love you back. He obviously has his own priorities and you will always come last.

In either case you need to confront him and tell him how you feel. He deserves to know what he has done wrong and you deserve someone who will love you as much as you love them.

Do you have a problem that you can’t solve all by your lonesome? Miss Informed is here to help! E-mail her at [email protected]

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Miss Informed

A Karachi-based social guru who will help untangle all the complex questions life throws your way. Ask Miss Informed for advice on romance, work, family or even how to make the perfect pumpkin pie!

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