Help! My boyfriend won’t cuddle

Published: July 24, 2011

Just because you love an emotionally unavailable man doesn't mean he will love you back.

Dear Miss Informed,

Help me understand why my boyfriend has time for work at his father’s clinic, his cousin’s wedding, his own side business and to pick his mom from Nano’s place and  to drop his brother to school – but no space for me in his life?

He doesn’t have time to call or even text. Just a brief ‘good morning’ and “Baby, I am so tired, let’s sleep. Goodnight”

Miss Informed, I know he loves me but why do I always have to be the one to understand his problems? Sometimes I wish he would spoil me, pamper me and do cheesy things – but he shows no signs of this at all.

I am proud of the fact that he is good at every task and every one needs his assistance. I am happy that he is a good guy.

Please, help me understand why he is always too busy too cuddle.




Dear Not-so-GF,

Is your boyfriend a superhero, the president or the leader of a massive revolution? If not than “not having time” is simply not a good excuse. When you are dating you find time to stay in touch with your girlfriend. He can stop by your office to say hello on the way back from dropping his brother to school. He can send you a “what’s up” email from his office computer. He can text you a happy face in the middle of the day to show that he’s thinking about you.

He doesn’t.

What he does do is call you only in the mornings and the nights when he, essentially, has nothing better to do – even then he does not commit to actual conversations.

Ask yourself:

– What are you really gaining from this relationship?

– How does he show you that he cares?

– Does he ask about your day or how you feel about issues?

– Does he only get in touch when he needs to talk?

There are two possibilities in this scenario:

1. He doesn’t know what to say

It is possible that your boyfriend does care but does not have the ability to communicate his feelings. Not all guys are up to the romantic baby talk that some girls like. He may not ‘spoil’ or ‘ pamper’ you but he could show his affection in more subtle ways.

Your boyfriend seems to have a busy schedule and has to juggle professional and personal responsibilities. While it is great that you are an understanding of his packed timetable it is time he show some thoughtfulness as well. Tell him how you feel, if he is the great guy you say he is then he will make an effort to make you feel special.

2.  He doesn’t want to talk

If you hesitated while answering the questions above then you may be fooling yourself about the nature of your relationship. Your boyfriend pays attention to you whenever it is convenient for him or when he wants something from you.  He has not committed to you emotionally and maybe he never will.

You say you ‘know he loves you’ but does he ever say that in front of others. Does he introduce you to his friends and family?

Remember: Just because you love an emotionally unavailable man doesn’t mean he will love you back. He obviously has his own priorities and you will always come last.

In either case you need to confront him and tell him how you feel. He deserves to know what he has done wrong and you deserve someone who will love you as much as you love them.

Do you have a problem that you can’t solve all by your lonesome? Miss Informed is here to help! E-mail her at [email protected]


Miss Informed

A Karachi-based social guru who will help untangle all the complex questions life throws your way. Ask Miss Informed for advice on romance, work, family or even how to make the perfect pumpkin pie!

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • san

    what a jerk he is. DONT waste your time with him and tell him to find some Gawan Wali for himself..:-PRecommend

  • Saif Tahir

    Dear Not-so-GF!

    Perhaps your Boyfriend is avoiding you, but what could be the reason?.

    The most significant could be that you are too much interfering in his life. From asking questions about his every hour activity to even his family issues you might have annoyed him that much that now he is keep himself away from you. But since he’s still sincere he is still in touch.

    Do a favor and leave him alone for sometime, it will work, definitely!
    All the best!Recommend

  • Jeddy

    Help my gf is not intimate, loving and affectionate!Recommend

  • Khurram Mansoor

    Just read the comments above two of them were seriously damaging, and it is hihgly needed to know the age experience of the Miss Sorta here. Many relationships may break just because of an unwise sugestion or advice.Recommend

  • http://Islamabad Taha Ceen Tayyab

    Dude he is so not your boyfriend if he doesnt change his ways even after you communicate your worries to him!Recommend

  • Not-so-GF

    Thanks Miss Informed . You actually mentioned so many valid points which i seriously should consider.
    I am gaining depression from this relationship.
    Sometime he show affection but just with words , never went out of the way to make me feel good.
    Formally ask about my day but seems he’s really not interested.
    Yes, i think he want to have GF because his friends have. But he actually don’t want to make a commitment.

    And he never introduce me to his friends. Recommend

  • an Idiot

    God! .. seems like i wrote it, the question part,in my sleep and forgot all about it .. =\
    I have been in this Ghost relationship for 6 years. I am sick and tired of being treated like that. I have tried everything; talking, fighting, understanding .. NOTHING HELPS! .. the problem is he doesn’t even let me leave him. Women are suppose to be the complicated creatures, but i swear men are MORE DIFFICULT to understand. All i want to do now is give up and be a complete bitch with him. Recommend

  • Ambreen Haider

    you need to find out if he is committed and where he sees this heading. Recommend

  • pabno

    shoot the bugger!Recommend

  • Ahmer

    what rubbish.. i just hate this bf-gf culture which is being promoted here..

    the guy has time for everyone whom with he has true relation.. but you see, this bf-gf thingy is not at all a relation in any dictionary.. why would you expect that he would takeout time for u??Recommend

  • an Idiot

    @Khurram Mansoor:
    You have better suggestions? Please enlighten us.Recommend

  • Alonso

    When such articles start appearing on blogs/news sites, it’s an indication of it letting funny people post articles without caring for something we know as quality stuffRecommend

  • sJ

    all the guys are the same .. and they can never even try to figure things out but they will never miss an opportunity to point our mistakes and make us feel the worst!! God i freaking hate this thing , boys think that this is the same complaint that every other girl has with her man and they think they can never change it!! Recommend

  • A guy

    Miss not so GF please watch the new indian flick Pyar ka Punchnama you might get a few pointers and Miss Informed God save the guy who ever has a relationship with you lol you are so clueless the typical pakistani woman god help you plz get re-informed asap!!Recommend

  • TheTruth

    Maybe she needs deodarant?Recommend

  • Umair Waheed Sheikh, Khayban e Hafiz,Karachi

    I will vouch that I do the same to my fiance. When the relationship formalises even being a bf we guys want to simply move to another conquest ;) which is why we are not interested in old stuff.Recommend

  • Übermensch

    On the chances of being labelled a Grammar Nazi here, I have to mention that the writer really needs to figure out the difference between “than” and “then”. It didn’t seem like it was a just a typo, the writer made this mistake a few times. Just a google search about the difference would suffice.

    Its all about mutual respect and feelings, if that’s not happening, let it go and move on.Recommend

  • Midas

    Dear Miss Informed,
    Please use correct grammar. Line 2: If not than “not having time” is simply not a good excuse. That is incorrect. It should be: If not, then ‘not having time; is simply not a good excuse. Its disappointing to point out such mistakes.
    Dear Girl,
    a. Maybe the honeymoon period is over? Its a long-term relationship, try to add some energy and excitement to it. Even playing a new sport together can be a healthy change for you both :)
    b. Also remember, the problem also lies in the way (many, not all) men in our society think. The day men stop treating women as ‘conquests’ and realise that its an ‘honour’ to be committed to their partners. That day they stop taking you for granted.

  • CB Guy

    So how many Pakistani’s have such relations? Like living together. Get a life people.Recommend

  • Ayaz

    dear i guess in some situations the things are totally opposite.Like here your are alone as u have ur bf but some times a boy is alone in presence of her gf…
    The acctual thing is this Bf Gf relation never worth…even m not satisfied with this logic of gf,bf its sounds like a short term relationship…my advice is if rilli some one is intrusted in you again and want to make u ur gf then ask him to engage you in a proper way…infront of his family and society like our tradition…
    and if he or you is afraid of working of that relationship then big deal boss….break ur engagement is much much much better then ditching or cheated by so many so called sincere jerks..Recommend

  • Maybe Guy

    Maybe he’s just Gay and wants to keep you to save his face in society?Recommend

  • Muhammad Saifullah Khalid

    Guys are good for nothing. You better get married and enjoy your life.

  • Javeria Mahmood

    Ms. Not-So-GF:

    stop being a dukhya naari….. just chill yaarr….. you know men like who cares attitude girls… stop taking care of him then you will see how would he come to you by scrawling …. trust me… I treat my BF in that way but he is very innocent and he loves me so much and give me high priority… few days back he was absent for two days I scolded him for more than 2 hours…. then he promised me he will never disappear. and will love me till the end of his life otherwise I will kill himRecommend

  • The Critique

    such a behaviour is synonymous with post marriage life…..:P Recommend

  • Farah Kamal

    Interesting conversation here, @CB guy, this culture is here in Pakistan, just that in some communities they are operate under cover and in so called elite it is out there. But it is there in on or the other form.

    @Saifullah, do you really believe marriage will change the situation, it gets worse in most cases. This is not a GF-BF, Wife or Fiance issue, it is all about Eve and Adam and their Chemistry in whichever form or name you give it to!!!

    For everyone; including the Not-so-GF, please google search Dr.Helen Fisher, and watch a couple of her Video lectures on Love and Relationship at Her researches are based on across cultures in world, so yes it applies to everyone who call themselves human.


  • Ali

    When relation started boys have lot of time, they have time to send good morning message at 6:00 am, time to keep in touch with you whole day, never forget to wish you happy birth day or other occesion but when they lose intrest and find another one they pretend that now they have to meet offical target, exam are nearby so on.

    Girls if a boy is intrested in you, there is no reason he does not able to spare time for you but when he lose intrest he starts pretending.

    There is a secret to retain the intrest of boys that is SAFE DISTANCE, as long as you able to maintian safe distacne his intrest will remain on the top or might be enhance in most of the casses.

    “For world you may be the one but for one you may be the world” so please do care who cares you.Recommend

  • pardesi

    I can be of help…Recommend

  • Sabih

    Please stop bugging your bf and stop talking to him for a while or giving him any importance. If he loves you, he will miss you and then give you more importance. If he doesn’t, well that would just clear things up wouldn’t it?Recommend

  • Amir Ali

    Taking it from the top, how helpless the Not-so-GF must be to resort to asking a stranger about what to do with her life. If that is the strength of your character, you might not need seek answers outside Ms. Not-so-GF. Please peek within.
    Are you that naive and incapable of handling your own problems that you’ll lay yourself out in public to search answers for your frustration. If some self-proclaiming Miss Informed can make decisions on your behalf, you should take a refuge under your bed as the world out there is much worse than a guy teasing you with his indifferent attitude.
    Start taking charge of your own life, hold the reigns and steer your life rather than letting it be a twig flowing in the river. Recommend

  • Karim Alam

    it seems that you expect too much from him without understanding human limitations.

    You have not mentioned your part.

    You are only raising finger at him. Have you ever tried to talk to him?Recommend

  • Karim Alam

    @Farah Kamal:

    “…This is not a GF-BF, Wife or Fiance issue, it is all about Eve and Adam and their Chemistry in whichever form or name you give it to…”.

    I agree with your argument……men and Women are like poles of a magnet……..they either attract or otherwise……..Recommend

  • Female Hitch

    There are two different ways to approach this problem:

    (a) how to get him interested in you
    (b) for you to assess if (he stays like this) this is what you want from a relationship and starting to look for better options

    Several questions for you Miss-Informed:

    Has he ever spoken about “marriage” to you, introduced you to his family?
    Do you think you both are on the same mental wavelength?
    How long has your relationship been?
    How old are you?
    Are you occupied professionally in your time?
    Is he physically satisfied?
    Is he generally an extrovert or an introvert?

  • Bhutto

    larkay….. do give her time when she truly loves you your single message can make her happier than your hourly calls….Recommend

  • Noman Ansari

    I know this has no relevancy to the subject, but what if your boyfriend was a bear? Like one of those black bears Dwight (from The Office) talks about?

    Not wanting a cuddle now, are ya?Recommend

  • Guy


    why dont all the gals just come out the dream world and start living in reality!!!
    instead of complaining why he’s not giving time and becoming a pain. give him some space and he wont loose ur worth.
    And one more thing .. even if he talks to you after many days talk to him nicely instead of wasting ur time on complains. Recommend

  • Omar

    Maybe he has a life of his own. Recommend

  • Muhammad Ovais

    @Javeria Mahmood:

    How cruel of you! :DRecommend