Ten signs your girlfriend is crazy

Published: March 9, 2011
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Crazy women are never, ever crazy to begin with. They are also almost always hot.

The crazy woman is one of nature’s most devastating forces. Most guys spend their time rationalising the behaviour of the crazy woman they are dating because they just assume “she’s difficult” or  “opinionated” or  has an “adorable tendency to be a raging cow.”

Crazy women are never, ever crazy to begin with. They are also almost always hot.

In my vast experience, I observed both the behaviour of crazy women and listened to the advice of normal women.

Here are ten surefire signs to spot and avoid a crazy woman. In isolation, any one of these points may be harmless or insignificant. But taken as a whole, you’ve got yourself one huge pile of psycho that you need to eliminate from your life.

If you spot more than five of the following signs you’re dating a crazy woman.

1. She hates your friends and loves your enemies

She not only hates your ‘bros’ but makes it a point to socialise with all the morons you hate.

She avoids hanging out with you and the guys, goes quiet when she calls and you’re out with them, glares when you narrate some awesome hangout anecdote and subtly drops hints that she thinks your buddies are tiny little poop pieces.

Now, most of you rational women will protest because most of your boyfriends have at least a couple of moron friends that you don’t like, and I get that no one likes a moron. But a crazy woman will hate the nice friends or the extra friendly friends even more because they represent someone who is more pleasant/nicer than her.

Conversely, they will enjoy the company of people you cannot stand. It will scare you how accurate this is. And you know the guys you can’t stand because they always think they have a shot with her when she’s with you? She’ll definitely want to hang out with them the most.

2. She can dish it out, but she can’t take it

Crazy women claim they have a great sense of humour and they usually do – when it’s at the expense of somebody other than them.

They will constantly berate and insult you in front of your friends under the guise of “oh come on, can’t you take a joke?”. She’ll bring up embarrassing times when you’ve tried to be romantic, draw attention to your stress acne and make fun of your failures.

And because she is hot, people around her will laugh. You, being the schmuck that you are will be lulled into a false sense of “oh, my girlfriend is so cool, we can totally make fun of each other”.

You retaliate by playfully teasing her about something like “Hey, looks like she’s been getting a little round,” so you affectionately put your arms around her waist and whisper “I love your chubs.”

You’re an idiot!

Hell hath no fury as a woman’s chubs discovered. She will remove her shoes and beat your privates with them, while screaming incoherently about carbs and happiness.

3. She has crazy mood swings without being pregnant

When a woman is pregnant, all bets are off. You need to shut up and be there for her, no matter how crazy she gets.

Men understand this and give women that license. However, this courtesy does not extend to the non-pregnant crazy woman.

Does your girl go from laughing to crying within five seconds? Does she make a joke about fat people but when you laugh, does she turn the tables on you by saying “do you think I’m fat?” Does she appear amorous and romantic one minute and switch to Lorena Bobbit the next?

Yup, you’re dating a crazy girl.

4. She has a scary laugh

Does her laugh make the pit of your stomach turn icy cold?

A beautiful woman laughing is one of the best sounds any guy can hear. However, a crazy woman laughing might be the most terrifying sound to reach men’s ears.

The way to certify this is to look at her eyes: is there a vast chasm of emptiness, blackness and terror? Is it joy? Or a prelude to torture?

When she laughs, can you imagine her water boarding you?

5. When she ‘playfully’ hits you, she leaves bruises

It’s awfully cute when girls playfully punch you in the shoulder when you’re teasing them or gently smack you on your thigh when you crack an inappropriate joke. It’s a sign of affection.

Crazy women however, will beat you like Chris Brown. They will never hit you if they’re feeling genuine affection for you. However, if you tease them, or crack a joke that mildly offends them, they will beat you like they caught you breaking into their house.

The worst part, they’ll make sure they do it in public so that you can’t admit that it actually hurts when their delicate little hands turn into tiny little estrogen fueled fists of rage.

6. She hates your mom

You know how most girls think it’s endearing when guys have a healthy, warm relationship with their mum?

Crazy girls hate your mum. They consider her the root of all your prejudices and complexes about “liberated women” or “free thinking”.

7. She hates her mom

Crazy women do not have good relationships with their mothers. Their worst fear is that they will turn out exactly like their mothers. Most of the time, they are already there.

If you are dating a crazy girl who constantly fights with her mother, complains about how her mother doesn’t understand her or has her mom saved on her phone as Controlling Birth Birth Canal Person, you need to start running.

8. They will find a way to be the victim

Did she forget your birthday, yet you find yourself apologising? Did she yell at you in front of all your friends, yet you find yourself groveling? Did she flirt with some other guy at a party yet you’re the one begging for forgiveness?

Crazy women will always find a way to make you feel like the fascist, misogynistic mullah in the relationship. If she does anything to upset you, it’s because of your inability to handle a ‘strong independent woman’.

Anytime you cast so much as a disapproving fart in her direction, she will snarl at you while lobbing the eternally despised morality loophole “How dare you judge me?”

9. They will take over your Facebook page

You know how most animals pee in a large circle to mark their territory? A crazy woman will do the same thing to your Facebook page.

She will flood your wall with inane comments that will start off fairly innocuously with cutesy, humorous little quips followed by smileys or their immoral cousins winky smileys. Here is an example:

Call me today :)

I miss you!

Haha…this picture of yours is silly :)

They may seem harmless but are in fact none-too-subtle messages to the public that she keeps your manhood locked in an old shoebox under her bed.

This graduates to more sociopathic behaviour:

Why are you ignoring me?

I hate you

Call me. I’m going to take these pills.

10. Her ex is visibly relieved to not be dating her

Usually it’s always a tense situation when you meet your girlfriend’s ex. You start sizing him up, comparing yourself to him, wondering what she liked about him and whether he still has feelings for her.

If however, you mention her name and the guy’s expression glazes over like he’s having a Vietnam flashback – you need to be worried. Is he overly enthusiastic about meeting you? Does he give you a man hug and repeatedly confirm whether you and the girl are still together? Does he walk away from you while singing and clicking his heels together like a guy who’s just been given free nachos ?

If so, you need to be worried. Very worried.

This piece was originally published here.

Omar Bilal Akhtar

Omar Bilal Akhtar

A musician who studies journalism. He blogs at adpdiaries.blogspot.com

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.