They call you darkness, I call you my best friend

Published: March 19, 2017
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I feel you creeping into my bones, and no, I do not want you; I do not want you anymore. PHOTO: TUMBLR/ THE ARTIDOTE.

I am a flower. A petal. A stone.
I am all of these things and none,
I am burning with follicles; I am bound shut by earth,
I am two polar opposites, striking against each other at all times.

I am sin
I am sadness
I am hope on a tree
I am lost, eternal, free-falling misery.

I am light in the dark
I am the wind in the desert
I am every cliché that you think I deserved.
I am lost, I am found: I am almost always a raging sound
I am loud and fierce and fiery
I am darkness as it drowns your lungs; you cannot breathe.
I am suffocating – ego and eternal,
My arms, across your neck – making time ephemeral.

I am payback, dark and dirty
I am your heart when it is not heavy
I am the hole in the donut you never get to see
I am inexplicably, always me
I am a flower, a petal, a stone on the ground,
Oh, how much I long for you to break my sound.
My voice rages, louder than a pentameter,
Oh how I long to shrink back into the rhythm of your meter.
I am lost, deep in the midst of your notes
I am struck in a crowd of people I do not know
I am hope but hope is not me
I am inexplicably, always me.

I am light when I want; I am the darkest part of your heart
I am free as a bird flying out of bounds
Yet I am the small creature trapped to your sound
It calls me – dark within the night,
Luring me towards it,
It’s fight or flight
I cannot fight any longer
I hear your heart beating – oh it’s getting stronger
I dance in the rain, its pouring down on me
Drowning me
Its raindrops fierce, and unforgiving,
They come down on me – hard – I am never pleasing.

They shatter my bones and then my skull
They take me under, under into the deep blue abyss,
Into a world full of places I did not know I could miss.
I am drowning deep and trodden
I am walking the line of a rope long forgotten.
Batting your scars, yet battling my own,
Oh my heart it aches – how it aches – to be alone.

I feel it deep inside my soul.
I feel you coming
To take control
Yet I cannot wait
I cannot surrender.
Because my voice, my heart, it grows so tender.

I feel you creeping into my bones,
And no, I do not want you; I do not want you anymore.
Yet here you are again,
Taking me down with you–
When will it ever end?
They call you darkness, I call you my best friend.

You are my strength, my guide, my hope,
Yet I am still the one that cuts the rope
No matter how hard I try to run and pull,
Your strength is too much for me and once again, I fold.

I crumble into ashes, my words are not even my own,
10,000 lashes–
They bleed through the pages, through my heart
Taking everything I once thought I owned and tearing it apart.

I see the sea because I’m drowning within it
All around me is this force but I once longed for this abyss
Yet now I’m stranded, so stranded within its mist
There is no one to call out to,
No one to take me to shore,
And still I stand, knocking and knocking on your door–
Hoping you’ll open it, wide and vast
And let me back into my world.

Oh please, this one time, let it last
Let my freedom soar
Leave me be–
Because I am inexplicably, always me.

Yet you do not stumble, you do not sway
You cast your shadow onto me,
And drift me back into the bay.
I am here
I am drowning
And I do not resist–
No more.

I let you have me
Whole and soul
I let you take me
Back into your overarching control.

Maheen Humayun

Maheen Humayun

The writer studied Literature and Creative Writing from John Cabot University in Rome. She is the author of the novella Special. She is currently a sub-editor at Tribune. She blogs at karachiiloveyou.wordpress.com/ and tweets @MaheenHumayun

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.