Why is the independence of an unmarried girl perceived as a threat?

Published: January 12, 2017

These are the girls that obey, the ones that submit. PHOTO: PINTEREST.

Many of us grew up with the eternally single phupho or khala; that’s right, the one that never got married. They all have their reasons and, many a time, they’re respected in their households. Some of them may hold good jobs, spending their well-earned money on their precious nieces and nephews. We seldom see them living their own lives, or making time for themselves outside of their work, and home. We see them as totally dependent on their families, in every facet of their lives.

Picture this – her room or space at home is either shared with her parents or a growing child – guests almost always stay in her room, and the extra storage is always put there too. The only time she leaves the house is with the family, doing what everyone else wants to do. She’s the one who babysits for her brother and sister-in-law when they have to go out. She’s the one who keeps herself busy with meeting the extended family. She never has time for her own friends; most of them are married and she no longer fits in with them. They hang out in couples, and do couple-y things, and she doesn’t belong.

These are the lucky ones; the girls that are appreciated. There are so many more out there that aren’t treated like girls at all. There are girls who are mentally tortured for being “un-marriageable”. They’re mocked and disrespected. There are the girls that never get married so they can devote themselves to looking after their aging parents.

If you’re reading this and thinking, ‘no, that doesn’t happen’ – trust me, it does. This is the ugly truth hidden behind closed doors, under the cover of love and family responsibilities. This is a truth that is never spoken about but grows uglier with time. I have spent my entire working life with girls and women of various ages and backgrounds. I have heard their stories and seen their realities. These realities I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.

These are the girls who obey, the ones who submit. They do everything their parents and families want. The people in their lives assume they are giving them the best of both worlds, but they smile at them sadly, acknowledging them as spinsters.

They say,

Shaadi nahi hui tou kia hua? Is ke paas sab kuch hai.

(So what if she’s not married? She has everything.)

No one asks these girls how they feel and whether they’re happy with the way things are. And no, the problem isn’t that she’s still single; the real problem is that everyone in her life deprives her of one basic adult right; the right to make her own decisions and choices.

An unmarried friend of mine lived with her family. All of her siblings were married, and her life strictly revolved around work. She spent 11 years tending to her bedridden mother, who recently passed away. A lot of people said,

“Oh she earned jannah (heaven) looking after her mom.”

And she did play her part. Maybe her other siblings were too busy, or just didn’t bother to earn their own place in jannah but that was just the way it was. She told me,

Amma ke baad bhai/bhabhi bohat kehtey hain ke bahar nikla karo, kahin jao. Ab mein akelay kia karoun? Koi friend bhi nahin hai, Waqt hee nahi milta tha, aur ab waqt nahi kat ta hai school ke bad.

(After my mother passed away, my brother and sister-in-law tried to convince me to go out and enjoy myself. But what am I supposed to do alone? I have no friends. I never used to have time for them, and now I have nothing to do to pass the time ever since I quit going to school.)

She is 56-years-old, and she earns well. I told her to go see the world, to travel but she looked at me in complete disbelief. Almost as if she had forgotten that there was a world out there at all – one in which she could be independent.

Here we are, in the 21st century.

But what’s changed for women, really?

Things may have improved a smidge, but age and marriage are still synonymous today. Women in their early to late 30s are still looked down upon for being single, even if they are highly qualified and financially stable. The story is always the same. These girls are still expected to make sacrifices and live the same kind of life her unmarried aunt had lived years ago; the same kind of life that forces our girls to be dependent on the men around them. The number of unmarried, young, professional girls continues to grow, yet they are constantly controlled by their families. They are hidden away from society, not allowed to socialise or travel – not allowed to do anything at all.

Women on different social media groups often discuss how they feel suffocated. They are yelled at and told that they cannot go out. These women speak of their plans getting cancelled and not being allowed to participate in any social activity. They express that this is the leading cause of frustration in their lives, and they are stuck in a web of permanent misfortune.

These conversations kill me; do people realise the difference between 13 and 30?

Imagine a 32 or 34-year-old team leader, project manager, or school head, begging her parents to let her go watch a movie with her friends, having her phone calls monitored, working around a curfew that shouldn’t be imposed on an adult and constantly being asked where and why she is going out – just imagine.

Our family system is fabricated in the name of protection and safety; girls are not allowed any freedom. They are required to consult their parents on every matter to ensure their choices do not bring disgrace upon their family – the whole issue regarding ‘what will people say?’ Only a handful of educated women take a stand against their parents or want to move out. It’s not that the rest aren’t capable of doing so; they stay because they care about their family.

I understand that parents are always worried about the safety of their child and uphold this idea that their daughter can do whatever she wants after she’s married. But what if she doesn’t get married? When she doesn’t even know if she ever will? You can’t keep her captive forever. So many women have confided in me, telling me that they don’t want to hurt their families yet they cannot live the life of a recluse any longer. They’ve said things like,

‘I feel like going out onto the streets and screaming.’

Is that what a happy girl would say? You ‘let her work’, and when she brings you back a pay cheque you think you’re doing her the favour? Shame on you. She’s better than that.

Why do women need a husband or their immediate family to live a normal life? Why is her independence perceived as a threat? She is a grown-up, educated adult – she needs her space. She needs the freedom to choose friends, have a girl’s night out, travel and to make choices herself. She is your daughter, sister, granddaughter but you don’t own her. You cannot limit her movement, forcing decisions and choices upon her – it’s cruel.

If we don’t stop treating our girls and women like trained circus animals, soon enough there will be a whole mass of educated mental patients in the country. Families and parents should have enough confidence in their upbringing, they need to trust and let these women move on with their lives the way they want. Stop dictating their lives, and let them, for once, stand on their own two feet.

Do you think our society is accepting of unmarried girls?

     View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

Farah S Kamal

Farah S Kamal

An education and development consultant, who is currently leading the iEARN programs in Pakistan. Photography is her hobby and passion and she tweets @fskamal (twitter.com/fskamal)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Ldn

    The issue isn’t only one of unmarried adult women being ‘controlled’ but also of how some families *deliberately* keep one daughter from marrying. Yes – this does happen. Why? To take care of her parents when they are elderly perhaps? Who knows? Being deprived of the opportunity to marry and have her own family is also a huge injustice on a woman and the resulting loneliness can have a detrimental effect on her mental and emotionally wellbeing. Maybe society also needs to look out for parents who are dead against their daughter(s) marrying and challenge them about their motives. Recommend

  • Ahmar

    The only ones keeping these women inside is themselves.

    Parents worry about their boys just like they worry about their girls. Its in the nature of parents to want to keep their children protected and sheltered. The difference is.. boys start taking risks from a young age. They go out to play with those other kids playing cricket in the street, make friends and become more outgoing. Eventually their parents become used to boys staying out. When a boy starts coming home later and later, but all in one piece, it gives their parents assurance that he can handle himself out there. The boy may get scolded the first time he’s out late, the second time..but he keeps at it and eventually their parents become confident in their son or maybe give up on the idea of keeping him in?

    Have you never heard of a father screaming at his son, “Bohat Aawara ho gya hay. Muhallay kay lafangay larko kay sath ghoomta rehta hay. Ab bahar gya to tangen tor doon ga is ki.”

    What does a boy do after this lecture? He goes out again with the same friends when Dad’s not around!

    Girls don’t go out to play on the street in their childhood. The only friends they make are in school, College and University. When their education is over these friendships end as well (usually). They don’t take risks of staying out with their friends except the occasional annual college function/party which a parent or brother picks and drops them from. Their parents never develop the trust and ease of mind in their daughter’s ability to handle herself out there. A girl comes home late from a friend’s house and gets shouted at by her parents. What does she do? Cries herself to bed and vows never to go out again. Ever.

    Don’t blame your parents for their innate, subconscious desire to keep you safe. Blame yourself for never really proving to them that they have nothing to fear.Recommend

  • wb

    The answer is in the religion you practice. Before you start hurtling abuses, is it not true that women are required to wear burqa when with ghair mehram? Is it not true that women are required to stay at home and not get educated and go to job, becuase that requires interaction with ghair mehram men? It’s all true and encoded in your scriptures, which clearly you have not read, but I have.

    And it starts there. That’s the first step towards turning women into third class citizens. Once that happens, the rest is game.

    Although, I know that many women resist this in all Muslim societies and go get educated and become anything they want to. But that is against your religious culture. The purest form of Islam practiced today is by ISIS followed by Saudi. Ask them and you’ll get your answers.Recommend

  • Fahim

    If you change your name from Farah S. Kamal to Selena Jacob decoza then you will answerable to no one to watch movies with your friendsRecommend

  • Aisha

    I know so many examples in my own family, I can tell how ugly this reality is and how painful it is as a woman to see other women in such circumstances, where they are looked down upon, just because they aren’t married! Thank you for being their voice!Recommend

  • Nandita.

    What utter nonsense. I am a Hindu ,Indian woman. Did you think Hindus don’t look down upon unmarried girls? Unmarried, single women aren’t really respected in Hindu society as well. Wake up and smell the coffee. We may be way more liberal than Muslims but make no mistake – women on this side of the border don’t have it easy either.Recommend

  • Bushra Sheeraz Ahmed

    meet a brown woman; be it a public or private meeting, with in ten minutes she is going to come to “SHADI”. A society which is ruled by idiots hypocrites and double standards. This is what the ground reality is. Its harsh but true. Whether unmarried or divorced, a woman is always considered a threat to the rest of the part of the world where we are living.
    I am glad Farah you raised your voice. This article is a true in every sense.Recommend

  • Ambar N. Sajid

    Thank Farah for bringing this up.. I got married at 26. Before I got married, I was scared. I was scared of society and above all , my elder sis was also unmarried. It was the right time I got married. Now I see my sister who is single and 35 plus. Whenever she does something (unaccepted by my family) it is said that.”shadi kardo theek hojaigi” and this has shattered her confidence badly.She think thousands of time before she takes a single decision. First of all people don’t think that she is legible to take a decision and if she tries, she is badly discouraged. It seems as if she has stopped moving and needs someone to help her move. Unfortunately, being single is not doing bad with her but her own people. I wish people change their mind and start respecting someone’s individuality.Recommend

  • wb

    I’m sure you’re a Hindu Indian woman. Recommend

  • Nandita.

    Hahaha. You doubt me ? I’ve even written a blog for ET. You could check but you won’t believe me even then will you ? People are so obsessed with proving themselves right that they will even question another individual’s existence. Recommend

  • Madiha

    This is the sad reality of things. Not only is the girl expected to compromise on how she must live if she is unmarried but she is also expected to do so without a complaint or a frown. We still continue to live in those hypocritical times, where being a girl still comes with baggage. And while we’re speaking on compromises, lets also discuss how a woman is expected to compromise on the kind of life partner she wants since she’s of a “certain” age. Have we ever turned around and said that to our brothers and sons. And to see this happen in educated and so to speak liberal families is not only disheartening but also disgusting.Recommend

  • wb

    I wouldn’t dare check your blog, knowing the base ignorance in your comments.Recommend

  • farhan

    you know feminists..Want to be independant ,free just so they can escape from religion in the name of independanceRecommend

  • safjdjfna

    Individuality is still an alien concept to us. Relations and associations are great but we still need to accept that a human exists even without being associated to someone especially a man and still needs the same liberties as any married woman needs.Recommend

  • SH

    I must applaud your confidence by which you write such things without doing genuine research on the religion. Islam does NOT require women to stay at home or remain uneducated. Since you have read our “scriptures” I would also encourage you to read about the lives of some great women of Islam like Hazrat Khadija, the wife of Prophet Muhammed (pbuh) and a prosperous business woman.Recommend

  • S

    I fail to understand what pleasure you get by triggering such nonsense. I would never point fingers at Hinduism or Christianity or any other religion because I have not studied them, hence I do not think it would be fair to say things without having authentic information. I wish you could do the same.

    Do you know ISIS is raping women. Could you please tell me where have you read in our scriptures that raping women is okay?
    Do you know that majority of the victims of ISIS are Muslims? Do you know they are decapitating and burning innocent men, including Muslims and Non-Muslims. Please tell me which scriptures, be of any religion, would say all this is okay?Recommend

  • Guest

    yes it is this very mind set that you guys are showing which results in women being treated so harshly.Recommend

  • GlobeTrotter

    So finally some one voices the downside of these extravagant weddings, materials never bring eternal happiness hands down. Simplicity is the key to happiness.Recommend

  • FarahKamal

    Thanks for sharing your personal story, it definitely add to the blog hope people such issues exist for real and respond to it.Recommend

  • Qamar Abbas

    This article is about the misery of single women-I’d suggest someone write about the misery of married women too-there are lots out thereRecommend

  • Guest

    I fell in love with this girl. She is a well educated, working girl. She is 30 plus,I am in late 20s. I asked her to marry me against my family’s wishes because I could see her family was talking advantage of her. Else she had been married beforehand. Her salary is all they wanted,she bought a house for them. I asked her to stop working because I knew she hated working. All went in vein,she said she can’t go against her family. She said she would marry a guy her family will choose. Women are brainwashed into thinking family is looking out for them. Women in Pakistan don’t stand up for their own rights. I couldn’t do anything,she straightup said she would refuse to even know me if I sent a rishta for her.Recommend