20 names of places that could break Pervez Rasheed’s wuzu

Published: May 3, 2016

Perhaps in an earnest attempt to set the Guinness World Record for longest simultaneous face palm across a single country a few days ago, politician Pervez Rasheed attacked rival Imran Khan at a press conference by saying that he couldn’t name the locality where Khan’s boys studied, for it would break his wuzu (ablution). Continuing the silly line of attack, he added,

“If he believes in wuzu.”

It didn’t take long for the internet to tear Rasheed to shreds over his comment. The area he refused to mention, of course, was Middlesex. Later, he tried to save face by claiming he had meant Hamfield.

But wait, how is that any better?

Let’s just take a look at who Rasheed is. Not only is he an experienced politician, but he’s the minister of information, mass-media broadcasting, and national heritage. What’s more, he was the chairman of Pakistan Television (PTV) for a couple of years.

This explains a lot about the state of those organisations.

Comic value aside, to hear a prominent face in the Pakistani government utter such ignorant words is depressing. As a nation, we are already caught in a war of classes between the progressive left and the regressive right, who are intent on spreading their illiterate and intolerant ways like a virus across Pakistan.

If our minister of information can say something so immature, then what hope does the rest of the country have?

I also dispute that uttering either Middlesex or Hamfield would break Rasheed’s state of purity. As George Carlin would say, they are only words; context is important.

If Rasheed believes premarital sex is a sin or that to consume ham is against his religion, how does he teach this to his children? Does he use sign language or would he play charades?

When a carpenter comes to his house, does he force him to use something other than a hammer? Does he refuse to speak to men named Hamza? Has he banned all copies of Hamlet from entering his house? Is this why he refuses to negotiate with Hammas? Will he refuse to read this blog because it was the hammiest? Let’s just hope he never hurts his hamstring.

More importantly, how does Rasheed fill out departure cards when flying? When he fills in the box that requires him to write his sex, does he write haram (unlawful) instead? Or does he quickly head to the airplane toilet to purify himself?

This attitude is more dangerous because it reeks of intolerance.

Here are a number of places someone like Rasheed should avoid:

1. Lahore (Pakistan)

2. London (England)

3. Climax (USA)

4. Bumpass (USA)

5. Anus (France)

6. Beaver Lick (USA)

7. Blowhard (Australia)

8. Muff (Ireland)

9. Pennis Wood (England)

10. Hookersville (USA)

11. Weener (Germany)

12. Twatt (Scotland)

13. Wank (Germany)

14. Three Cocks (Wales)

15. Sexmoan (Philippines)

16. Little Dix Village (West Indies)

17. Long Dong (China)

18. Knob (Australia)

19. The Cock of Arran (Scotland)

20. Rough and Ready (USA)

Do you think using the names of the places mentioned above can break your wuzu?

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Noman Ansari

Noman Ansari

The author is the editor-in-chief of IGN Pakistan, and has been reviewing films and writing opinion pieces for The Express Tribune as well as Dawn for five years. He tweets as @Pugnate (twitter.com/Pugnate)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.