The real deal on cell-phone stalkers

Stalking used to be fun. Cell phones ruined everything. Take the apologetic stalker - a pockmarked, pot bellied and man whose belly rumbles when he, yet he knows his manners - “Excuse me, I am really sorry but I want to give you a French kiss, thank you.”

In the days before the cell phone (does anybody even remember those?) stalking was fun.

You could call the object of your desire, harass him/her on the home/office phone number twenty times a day and all you would get is an agitated “Ayenda yahan phone nahi karna” and if it’s not your lucky day then “ &*@# ayenda yahan phone nahi karna &*@#.”

In those days you were kickboxing in the dark and your opponent was almost twenty feet away. Then cell phones came along and ruined everything. They brought the opponent a bit too close (shudder).

When I first acquired a cell phone, I was in my A-evels (some flowers bloom late). We had a phone. My friend had lots of credit so we bombarded people with texts and calls - bad idea. It gave me an insight as to why this phenomenon of texting random flourished. When you message someone, almost 9 out of 10 times people always respond. Our text messages to mobile owners were peppered with a single question, "How much sugar should you use if you wanted to make kheer for fifteen people?" We had scruples, there was only one text per person. Though the quality of the question, made me doubt my power of imaginative thinking for the longest time.

As for people they always had one solid answer “I tell you but first you fraindship me?” I sometimes regret sending those texts, especially since I never even made kheer. When they say karma is a bitch, I want to high five them, for once they spewed a cliché that is actually true. As I grew up, cell phones became more personalized and it also felt like they’ve become tiny stalking devices. These days anybody can buy multiple sims and harass you any day or night.

The apologetic stalker

“Excuse me, I am really sorry but I want to give you a French kiss, thank you.” Here is a man who is really old, pockmarked, pot bellied and when he farts his belly rumbles, yet the man knows his manners. He can text you whenever he wants, using the finest grammar, asking the most inappropriate question that might want to make you squirm in your seat. Solution: simply delete the messages directly and his ardor will soon die out.

The just-a-fluke stalker Stalker

“Hey, you looked stunning the other day. How’s the weekend going?” You “Hi, thank you so much. I think I don’t have your number saved, who is this again?” And you are a goner because this one is a smart man. He knows how to attract your attention and once he’s grabbed it, he will go through the traditional route of let’s be friends for life. Solution: play dead. He will die too. For him, the fun lies in the fluke so he will be bored with you in no time.

The apocalyptic stalker

“If you do not forward this message to all the people on your contact list within 5 minutes, your girlfriend will breakup with you, your boss will fire you and hire the popular kid whom you hated ferociously in school and you will die in an accident involving fire and water simultaneously.” Er, like seriously? Most people (myself included) have forwarded such messages simply for the fear of getting down and ugly with momma bad luck. Solution: Ignore. These messages are perpetrated by the mobile companies to keep the business running, if you forward them you will be supporting the Nazis, the Talibans, the racists and God’s wrath will befall you.

The persistent stalker

Missed call 12 15 a.m.

Missed call 12 45 a.m.

Missed call 2 20 a.m.

Missed call 3 50 a.m.

Missed call 4 30 a.m.

Missed call 5 25 a.m.

Missed call 6 47 a.m.

Each time, the missed call is supported with a message, “Y dUnT u AnSAr Ma cAlL?” This kind of stalker really gives me the creeps. I toss and turn and start enumerating my sins or correcting the grammar, especially when I know I have to get up early and meet deadlines. Solution: There is no solution to this problem. You can only try to get the number blocked. Or better still get down to his level, an eye for an eye. Every time he texts simply send him an apocalyptic message and spam his message inbox till he begins to loathe you.

A message to all the mobile stalkers - y0u W!n wE lo0sE!!!!!