Are you a player?

Published: December 7, 2010
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Are you a charming, attractive man who enjoys spending time with women?

Men who remain commitment-phobic for too long and have a relatively high success rate with women often continue bachelor lifestyles (whether married or not!) into their middle and even twilight years.

With the right amount of energy, money, and zest for life, today’s desi‘champions can become the Hugh Hefners of tomorrow. If you think you are destined to stay forever ‘young’ while dressed in a brocade robe, answer the following questions and see where you rate on the playboy scale:

1) Exes from your younger days are now the mothers of:

A  Babies

B  Teenagers

C  Grown men and women

2) Your pick-up line on women is:

Babe, you’re smokkkin’

Babyyy, you’re sooo hot

Beebee you are gaargeous

3) The music you play in your car when you’re driving a bevy of beauties to a party:

A  Euro pop

B  80s remixes

C  The Bee Gees

4) The music playing in your car when it’s just you and your driver:

A  Bollywood remixes

Qawalis

Ghazals

5) The biggest insult you ever received in your life was:

A  “Are you ‘a’ gay?”

B  “Excuse me, uncle.”

C  “Aap to buzurg hain.”

6) The closest you ever got to marriage was when:

A  You got engaged to your cousin without telling your girlfriend(s)

B  Your family proposed to the daughter of a family friend while you were away in college living with your blonde girlfriend

C  You sent a rishta to a girl that you’d been following around for years and, when you finally got the chance to speak to her on the day of your haan, realized you didn’t like her teeth

7) When online, you tend to frequent:

A  Facebook where you are listed as “interested in women” and have tried to add 1,800 friends of friends’ friends that you’ve never met

B  Your male friends’ lame forwarded jokes/porn

C  Nothing—you refuse to wear your reading glasses

8) The last thing you did to your hair was:

A  Spike, tease, and infuse it with several metrosexual hair products

B  A not-too-subtle hair weave

C  Blow-drying your long tresses over your bald spots ala Donald Trump

9) Your all-time favourite cellphone ringtone is:

A  P.I.M.P. (50 Cent)

Highway to the Danger Zone (Top Gun)

C  Forever Young (the original version)

10) You claim that the movie character you relate to best is:

A  Sonny Corleone (James Caan in The Godfather)

B  Michael Corleone (Al Pacino in The Godfather)

C  Don Corleone (Marlon Brando in The Godfather)

11) But the character you secretly empathize with is portrayed by:

A  Chris Kattan in A Night at the Roxbury

B  Jack Black in Shallow Hal

C  Chevy Chase in Father of the Bride

THE PLAYBOY SCALE

Mostly As: Pimpin’ Playa!

You’re quite a player with the ladies and adept at juggling different women from different cities. You are proud of your little black book, now worn at the edges. You try to appear mature to older women so that they take you seriously, not realizing that you’re just a boy toy for them. Girls from your own age group are often too predictable for your adventurous spirit as you get bored easily and don’t want to commit. Women of all ages appreciate your effortless charm, your full head of hair, and your relatively flat stomach. You love your partying ways too much to settle down unless your family actually forces you to get rehab.

Mostly Bs: Ageing Playboy!

You have already gone through, or are currently experiencing, a midlife crisis, so chances are that you replace your flashy car with newer and flashier models whenever you can afford it, not to mention younger and flashier female models on your arm whenever you can afford them. Your younger lady friends snidely refer to you as ‘Uncle’ when you’re not around. Once amongst the most eligible bachelors in society, the only twenty-somethings interested in you now have more of an eye for your fiscal worth rather than your physical worth. You don’t look twice at women your own age or even ten years younger as they are ‘not your type.’

Mostly Cs: Geriatric Casanova!

You are now partying with your grandchildren’s generation and gyrating those replaced hips better than many younger men on the dance floor. You continue to attract attention among women, whom you claim have been throwing themselves at you for these last fifty years. It must be the fascinating stories that you repeatedly tell them that they keep coming back to hear. Your decadence has caught up with you but you refuse to become a decrepit old man and instead opt to be an evergreen Lothario with jet black hair. If you’ve lasted this long on the scene, there must be something truly special about you.

laleen.khan

Laaleen Khan

An international columnist and media consultant who Tweets @laaleen

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Laaleen

    This was written to make you laugh! And to think a little…Recommend

  • http://zealforwriting.blogspot.com Sarah B. Haider

    I read it though I was not amongst the target audience :)Recommend

  • Laaleen

    @Sarah–the target audience is everyone with a sense of humour. And I think girls would find this funnier than guys :PRecommend

  • majid maqsood

    there is nothing to think but it is reality!Recommend

  • Talha

    Yes I am a player, I play Gulli Dunda regularly.Recommend

  • Ali Hassan

    enjoyed reading thanksRecommend

  • concerned omega

    Blondes are over rated, I’d say red heads are the new blondes!Recommend

  • U

    Could laugh once while reading through it, utter waste of time mine as well as yours, like whats the point of these pieces. The pimpin’ playas sure dont have enough time and will to log on ET blogs. Recommend

  • Khurram

    Well done on keeping up the trail of useless pieces on the Tribune blog. I think the editors should consider shifting to a new domain: letswastetime.comRecommend

  • Laaleen

    @Khurram-That’s a good idea. Everyone will check out that site from work (!)
    @U: It’s not meant to be literal (double SIGH). I didn’t expect people to seriously add up their scores, just to laugh.
    My aim is to lure humourless, judgmental people into smiling and developing an appreciation of the absurd. Think about it–if this is such a waste of time, WHY ARE YOU READING IT :) Recommend

  • Laaleen

    Typo- appreciation FOR the absurdRecommend

  • Karim

    Don’t wanna say anything after reading this :D hahahahaRecommend

  • Shahbaz

    Well written, you just mentioned especially boys really are they players? This rule is applied now on both sexes,,,,,,,Recommend

  • http://allpicxs.blogspot.com Tipu

    What a waste of space and time.
    We know writer is a girl but today we came to know editor of this page is also a girl.Recommend

  • Yousaf

    what are you trying to say…. I assume one of us needs to upgrade the intelligence. Recommend

  • Laaleen
  • Laaleen

    @Tipu–and the point of that is…? Well, can’t be that bad with all of you intelligent men reading this and finding the time to commentRecommend

  • Mudassar

    let me say with due apologies,the snap here doesn’t seem appropriate,if u don’t call me fanatic!Recommend

  • Someone

    Lol….the writer of this indeed has a great and ‘absurd’ imagination :p
    haha anway keep it upRecommend

  • Amer

    Laaleen: It’s a good blog, made me smile but I liked the aunty stuff better, just cuz I think this isn’t too relevent to our social males these days, they are too involved in making a living etc or maybe it’s me who’s a workaholic. Don’t know which it is…Recommend

  • Dina

    Seriously, why does ET continue to feed us this patronising drivel? We’re not asking for riveting analysis and comment everyday, but surely there must be some minimum standards? Recommend

  • http://www.nooru.wordpress.com Nooruddin Jalal

    Indeed a good one, nicely written. And you are totally right. I’m new in this game and wandering around.lolRecommend

  • SKhan

    This is so funny and true. Love the Are you ‘a’ gay bit…Recommend

  • http://islamabad abc

    wats with the picture………
    opened it at work n kind of felt embarresed……..

    ET there are better pics to put up………for God’s sake!Recommend

  • k khan

    laaleen you are gaargeous !!!Recommend

  • Shemrez Nauman Afzal

    @Laaleen: HAHAHAHAH and hmmmm…..
    Very well written. I think the quiz has been created (or altered/modified) to suit a Pakistani audience – makes the article even better!
    Its about time someone reverted BACK to opinionating over Pakistan society and where its going, rather than Wiki Wiki Wiki Leaks :PRecommend

  • Rameez

    hahahahahaha….. i think the author has just watched “ghost of girlfriend’s past”…… but it wassss goodddd…… :D :DRecommend

  • Queen bee

    I loved it, i know someone who reminds me so much of the man mentioned in this blog. great job LaleenRecommend

  • Mudassar

    @abc:ur comment make two of us!absolutely improper picture! Recommend

  • the original abc

    Someones impersonating me!!!! :ORecommend

  • Educated

    Nice..thanks for the post it was entertaining :)Recommend

  • collegeboyfromkhi

    You killed it with the “pimpin’ playa’ description. It’s creepy how accurate that was. Good job! Now I’m beginning to get conscious about this whole player business. I thought I was just having a good time being myself, but your ‘fun’ post has got me thinking.

    Perhaps a follow-up article about a “play-girl” would be much anticipated?Recommend

  • AK

    Uhh, Chevy Chase wasn’t in Father of the Bride. Basic research fail.Recommend

  • Laaleen

    Gosh–thought I’d written Steve Martin. ThanksRecommend

  • Laaleen

    @collegeboyfromkhi–you’re welcome to write oneRecommend

  • http://www.legalpakistan.com MA

    Hahaha! Interesting piece! Made me feel bad! But even though I got mostly A’s the description wasnt exactly on the mark. A good laugh though!Recommend

  • Said Chaudhry

    The problem with the world is . . . there is not just one beautiful woman :)
    Everyone is a unique snow flake with qualities and flaws, how hard is it to choose one when there’s a 3:1 ratio of women to men in this world? Ask any successful half decent looking guy and he will tell you an endless tail of how hard it is to find the right woman.Recommend

  • HA

    lame! Recommend

  • Fahad

    good one ,,, reminded me of my boss and some of my senior friends !!! goodie good !!! two thumbs up ,,, Recommend

  • Faraz Ahmed

    This is hillarious! ..amazing piece of research I must say ;)Recommend

  • Umair Waheed Sheikh, Khayban e Hafiz,Karachi

    Well I can relate to it a lot as I am engaged with 3 casual relationships going simultaneously.Recommend

  • Nobody

    @Said Chaudhry:
    Who said there’s a 3:1 female to male ratio anywhere in the world, let alone the whole world? Regardless, I’ll agree with you on one thing, it IS hard to choose just one man (or woman) for oneself. Too many to choose from ;)Recommend

  • http://ahsanjehangir.blogspot.com Ahsan

    کہہ کہ (لوگو) آؤ میں تمہیں وہ چیزیں پڑھ کر سناؤں جو تمہارے پروردگار نے تم پر حرام کر دی ہیں (ان کی نسبت اس نے اس طرح ارشاد فرمایا ہے) کہ کسی چیز کو خدا کا شریک نہ بنانا اور ماں باپ (سے بدسلوکی نہ کرنا بلکہ) سلوک کرتے رہنا اور ناداری (کے اندیشے) سے اپنی اولاد کو قتل نہ کرنا کیونکہ تم کو اور ان کو ہم ہی رزق دیتے ہیں اور بےحیائی کے کام ظاہر ہوں یا پوشیدہ ان کے پاس نہ پھٹکنا اور کسی جان (والے) کو جس کے قتل کو خدا نے حرام کر دیا ہے قتل نہ کرنا مگر جائز طور پر (یعنی جس کا شریعت حکم دے) ان باتوں کا وہ تمہیں ارشاد فرماتا ہے تاکہ تم سمجھو

    Surrah AL-An’am Ayat 151

    Tribune is part of all this what this writer is pointing at or claiming about media etc ….
    see all pictures and articles you will reach what they are up to and who are backing tribune.
    For True picture read First Holy Quran please then explore the world …

    Selection of topic and words and issue to be discussed and deviating youth and all this is taking majority to land of no values and culture less west with emerging social networking etc Recommend

  • Ali

    Chevy Chase was not in Father of the Bride :PRecommend