What is the point of marrying a woman if you can’t divorce her and marry four others?

Published: March 8, 2016

There are not enough life boats for all of us.

The world has not been kind to men recently. After centuries of oppressing women and exchanging them as property, men cannot simply be asked to suddenly start treating them as people. I would claim that it goes against millions of years of evolution but any talk of evolution is haram so that point is moot.

In this era of political correctness and Caitlyn Jenner, the last safe haven for men was Saudi Arabia – a utopian world where men could roam free without the distraction of women driving, women cycling and women breathing. If you claim you have seen a woman breathe in Saudi Arabia, I will be convinced you’re a liar – sir, it’s impossible to even spot a nose under that veil.

Also, do not try to confuse everyone with your science. The entire premise of the argument that “all humans need to breathe” is questionable – there is no scientific proof that women are human. Wouldn’t they be called ‘huwoman’ if it were true?

They say a woman should be seen and not heard. It is only in the dreamland of Saudi Arabia where I say women should not be seen or heard. I would have added that they should not be smelt either but it’s close to impossible to not smell itar for anyone within a 565 mile radius.

Unfortunately, the feminazis have invaded Saudi Arabia as well. Following the philosophy of Hitler, a man who had less facial hair than a Sindhi woman, women have started instating draconian laws for men. A Saudi man, the best kind of man out there, was fined SR160,000 dowry to his four wives after he divorced them. The man only did this because he wanted to marry four new wives; a move that is often referred to as being a man, a blanket clause that lets years of patriarchy flourish and perpetuate because… you know, boys will be boys.

In a grave injustice, the man was also forced to remarry his previous wives. If you support this move by the government, let me ask you, how would you feel if a mobile chor (thief) stole your phone and then later in the day came to your house and returned you your same old phone? You could have blackmailed your father into getting you the new Iphone but now you are stuck with the Iphone 5, the volume buttons of which don’t work just because a chor could not do his job properly. It is scientifically proven that nobody with an Iphone5 has any friends anymore so basically your life has been wrecked like that of a Saudi man.

If I have used my four cars for a while, I should be able to sell them and buy four new cars. The government has no right to make me drive my old cars again. I know we are talking about wives and not cars but you are forgetting that it is Saudi Arabia; cars have much more freedom in the public space than women.

If God did not want me to treat women poorly, why would He make me a man? He could have made me a Koala – then I would not have cared about women at all because Koalas are awesome. They eat and they sleep. Basically they are like men without the crippling insecurities that come with society indoctrinating in them to conform to the social norms of their gender, forcing them to tie womanhood to false notions of honour, pride and family. Basically, being a Koala is awesome.

All I am saying is that marriage is a contract. And like all contracts, there should be an exit clause. If a plane is falling, you should be able to eject. If the Titanic is sinking, you should be able to get on a life boat. Unless, of course, you are Jack and Rose does not let you on even though there was clearly space for two. You took his life and then you took his Oscar, Kate Winslet.

Marriage is like the Titanic. It is not unsinkable. And when the iceberg hits, all men will try to get the women and children out first.

A person should not be caged into a marriage if that person does not want to continue to be in one. Unless, of course, you are a woman; no woman should be allowed to leave a loveless marriage. All men would just end up being divorced then. For the institution of marriage to exist, we need women to suffer. Sorry girls, in a battle against a socially constructed idea, the idea will always wins, even if all of us need to die for it.

By all of us, I mean just women.

There are not enough life boats for all of us.

Disclaimer: This post being satire is for entertainment purposes only.


Shehzad Ghias

A graduate from the LUMS Law School and is running his own theatre production company, Cogito Productions.He works as a theatre teacher at various schools. He tweets @Shehzad89 (twitter.com/Shehzad89)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.