What not to do on Facebook

Published: April 22, 2016
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A majority of us won’t consider our day as officially underway unless we have logged onto Facebook and gone over our newsfeed with a magnifying glass.

Facebook is the epicentre of almost everyone’s lives today. At any given time 1.038 billion of us are using Facebook. Let’s face it, majority of us won’t consider our day complete without having logged onto Facebook and examined our newsfeed with a magnifying glass.

There’s no denying that Facebook has a plethora of advantages for its users. It’s a way to connect with loved ones, to share fun memories, get interesting information, have a laugh, learn something new, get your daily news, catch up on gossip, stalk your ex, stalk a friend/enemy you secretly admire but outwardly hate and the list goes on…

But with all things that are good, there will always be a flip side; people tend to abuse and overuse Facebook to the point that it becomes, quite frankly, an annoying pain in the a** for everyone else on their friends list.

Disclaimer:  This article is for amusement purposes. For those who are easily offended, instantly incensed, looking for reasons to have an outburst, or have no sense of humour; please, move on.

Otherwise, keep on reading because you are about to find out just what not to do on Facebook.

1. Don’t be an obnoxious relationship flaunter

I swear if I have to read yet another

“#Besthubbyever! So blessed to have you in my life! Xoxo!”

Status update, I will end up in jail for attempted manslaughter.
No one wants to hear your sappy and over the top proclamations of undying love for your husband/boyfriend/partner.

Instead of logging onto Facebook every time your heart starts overflowing with undeclared love, do us all a favour, jolt your snoring love machine from his stupor and enlighten him. I assure you, the 500 plus people on your friends list will thank you for this small favour.

2. Keep your food fetish in the kitchen, where it belongs

Unless you are a food blogger or plan on sending a food package or dinner invitation to everyone on your friends list, no one cares about what you cooked today. So, put down the camera and let us eat in peace.

Still not convinced you have a compulsive obsessive food disorder? Mental health experts have linked taking and sharing too many pictures of food to mental illness – time to check into the looney bin pal.

3. The birthday, anniversary, childbirth rant
So, it’s your spouse’s, boyfriend’s, children’s birthday, anniversary or their kindergarten graduation. That’s just fabulous. Maybe you should wish them in person, unless your husband is a soldier deployed in Africa or your first born is in boarding school in Alaska.

And unless you intend on auctioning off that birthday cake, gifts, used gift wrap and all the candles you own and lit (just for taking those pictures), there is no need to broadcast them along with an over the top nauseating status update on Facebook. We really don’t care.

4. The accidental supermodel/selfie queen

Okay here are the facts: You are no Kate Moss or Gigi Hadid and the paparazzi won’t chase you even if you paid them. So quit posting pictures of yourself where you happen to be casually strolling along, fully kitted up. You don’t fool anyone with your ‘caught off-guard’ profile picture comprising of a few hundred shots of you in monochrome.

Same goes for the typical ‘looking over the shoulder’ or ‘staring out in the distance’ accidentally-on-purpose selfies. We are sick of them. Spare us.

5. The overzealous parent

Yes we know your children are the centre of your life, just like they are for every other parent. Let’s just keep it that way. No one but your family and your closest, loyal and obligated friends will want to see and comment on endless pictures of your little ones in their rompers, dresses, awake, asleep, on their own, being forced to pose next to stuffed toys, holiday props, your sleeping husband … You get the idea.

6. The compliment inventor

So the supermarket, grocery store or the gas station clerk couldn’t believe you hadn’t even graduated from first grade and you were already the mother of two? Maybe you should stop shopping at stores that:

1. Don’t offer vision insurance to the staff – the guy has cataracts.

2. Don’t mind their staff coming in drunk to work

3. Encourage the staff to lie through their teeth in order to get tips.

7. Thy mother is thy life

We have no doubt that your mother is your backbone, your rock, your entire world. We are also 100 per cent sure she would love it if you were to tell her this in person or over the phone instead of posting it on Facebook along with grainy pictures of your unrecognisable past.

8. The desperado

Yes, you know who you are.

The attention craving poster of statuses that range from “I’m so alone”, “My life is over”, “I’m pissed”, “Feeling so sick”, “Best day ever!” and “Las Vegas here I come!” don’t fool anyone. The fact is, your narcissistic, sympathy seeking and envy invoking attempt is not only glaringly transparent, it is profoundly annoying to the vast majority of people on your list.

9. The overly devoted husband

Guys like these are a subsection of the ‘relationship flaunter’; he won’t even be able to digest his meal unless he brags about it first on Facebook.

“My darling wife made me a smashing meal today!”

Followed by several pictures of the aforementioned meal probably taken under duress.
Thanks a lot. As if the half a dozen pictures your wife posted minutes before to convince us that your home is an underground five Michelin star restaurant, we would never have known.

Now why don’t you go wash the dishes and belch out Justin Bieber’s Baby to your Martha Stewart while you’re at it?

10. The rambling ranter

This person’s form of sustenance is to constantly rant. Science, politics, sports, religion or social causes, no matter what the hot topic of the moment may be, you can always expect an endless stream of opinionated, obnoxious and awkward witticisms from yours truly.

His opinions are a deceptive invitation to engage in a ferocious, often venomous discourse in order to shove their righteous beliefs down every ones throats.

Nida Shahzad

Nida Shahzad

The author is a student blogger at the university of London. She blogs at nshahzadblog.wordpress.com/ about her experiences as a student, obsession with shopping, design, fitness,food, books, traveling and all things humorous she comes across along the way. She tweets as @NidaNShahzad (twitter.com/NidaNShahzad)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • IceSoul

    What not to do on the Internet?

    1: Tell others what to do
    You shouldn’t tell others what to do and what not to do on social platforms because its their life, their time, their profile and they don’t care what you think.Recommend

  • Nadeem ur Rehman

    Couldn’t agree more…Recommend