My husband is gay – A difficult truth

Published: June 29, 2014
SHARES
Email

The existence of gays is a reality in our society, whether in closets or out of them, they exist and are a part of our society. PHOTO: BBC

The existence of gays is a reality in our society, whether in closets or out of them, they exist and are a part of our society.
PHOTO: BBC My husband is gay – the painful discovery that often times comes in many women’s life, shattering their dreams of love, family and the bliss of a martial relationship. 
PHOTO: BBC

Case 1:

On her wedding night, *Hira found out that her new husband had a male partner. Her world came to a standstill. He told her not to expect much from him because he had no inclination towards her as a wife. Hira came back to her parent’s house the same night and when she confronted her in-laws, they sheepishly replied that they thought he would be ‘fine’ once he got married to a girl.

Case 2:

*Shumaila’s husband lived in the UK and, despite having been married to her for eight months, didn’t sponsor her visa so she could join him in London to start a home and a family. Shumaila’s father somehow managed to get her the UK visa and put her on a plane to London. Upon her arrival in the UK, Shumaila was devastated by her husband’s rude and cruel behaviour; he seemed to despise her for reasons she didn’t even know. Ultimately, she discovered that he was gay and was living with his male partner who had to move out because of Shumaila’s arrival. Her in-laws never believed Shumaila’s narrative and blamed her for not making an effort to win her husband’s love. Their marriage ended in a sad divorce.

Case 3:

*Ifrah and *Sohail had been married for six years and had an adorable four-year-old son. Many a times, however, Ifrah saw her husband exchanging intimate texts and emoticons on his cell phone with his friends. He always told her not to worry about it because they were just his friends and men just communicate like this. After a few years though, her husband’s behaviour, interests and relationship with other men changed. Soon after she realised what was happening, he adopted a ‘take it or leave it’ attitude with her. Her happy little world, the family she built over years, all fell apart. She thought of giving her husband a divorce, but her parents refused to support her decision, fearing disgrace and finding it hard to get good proposals for her unmarried sisters in the presence of a divorced daughter at home. Their advice to Ifrah was to somehow ‘manage and get along’ with the same life.

My husband is gay’ – are not easy words to come to terms with. The painful discovery can, often times, shatter the dreams of a woman who married someone in search for love, family, security, stability and a partner. Such cases being taboo are not discussed very openly in Pakistan but they do exist, and are rising every day. Wives are silenced and along with their voices, their desires and needs are also muzzled. Instead of a ‘happily ever after’, something every girl dreams of when getting married, they forever left to live with questions like ‘did I make this happen?’ ‘what did I do to deserve this?’ or ‘why am I being punished?’.

The existence of homosexual men and women in our society is a reality; whether this happens inside closets or out of them, they exist and are a part of our society. A person’s sexuality is their own business – so I am not here to judge. The issue that is of concern to me today is the social crime that exists when the sexual orientation of an individual is not revealed and in turn ends up destroying the innocent lives of people who tie the knot in hopes of pursuing a straight marital relationship.

Unfortunately though, this social crime does not just end with a homosexual man marrying a straight woman. Having spoken to homosexual people, it is yet another story of helplessness and grief. Most of them say that they are forced and pressurised by their families to get married. They don’t have the courage to tell their parents straight up for fear of ‘disgracing the family’. The result is – they live isolated lives.

Many people who have tried to open up to their friends and family members have come across things like “It is all in your head” or “it is a psychological problem and can be treated, don’t worry”. Many people are taken to various doctors and hakims to be ‘treated’, some are beaten for even thinking along those lines and others are emotionally blackmailed by their parents.  But like Sohail, described in case 3, despite having been through ‘treatment’ and being married to a woman, his sexual orientation remained the same.

In situations like this, it is the parents who need to come to terms with their child’s sexuality. They must not force their children to get married to people of the opposite sex to ‘save face’, they must not put their children on guilt trips or accuse them of ‘dishonouring’ them in society just because they refused a proposal.

When parents knowingly force their children to get married to members of the opposite sex, they are not only playing with the lives of their own children but with those of other people too. They may think it is worth a shot to get their children married and force them to have children, but what if the child’s sexual orientation remains the same despite having children? Is Sohail not our case in point? Why treat the girl he married like a guinea pig? I do not see why it is so hard to understand that she is not a lab test for your son’s sexuality!

Remaining in a state of denial will not help anyone. Talk to your children; find out how you can help. You are parents for crying out loud – don’t judge your own child!

*The names have been changed to protect identities. 

Farah S Kamal

Farah S Kamal

An education and development consultant, who is currently leading the iEARN programs in Pakistan. Photography is her hobby and passion and she tweets @fskamal (twitter.com/fskamal)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • FarahKamal

    There are many people talking about these ‘marriage problems’ or whatever. Even if a small percentage of girls suffering it is a problem and need to be highlighted.Recommend

  • https://www.facebook.com/ ather khan

    seems a fake made up story by a fake indian. even fake name is so cliche.Recommend

  • Madi

    People like you amaze me! This is a real issue prevailing in our society which really needs to be addressed. You cannot turn your head from reality just because it shakes or tends to shake your weak belief lol (otherwise no grown up person with a strong belief would feel threatened by these issues). The writer has not justified homosexuality in any way but has highlighted the reason of many divorces these days. From my experience, I already know two girls who got divorced because of that. Hiding a man/woman’s homosexuality would do even greater harm to the unlucky person that gets married to them.Recommend

  • Animal Farm

    “Homosexuality IS a disorder. There’s nothing natural about it, otherwise
    we would see such behavior among animals and other species.”

    Oh yeah,then please explain how more than 500 species of animals exhibit homosexual behaviors…
    Homosexuality is as natural as heterosexuality but found in rarity like Down syndrome is a natural occurence found in few individuals…

    I wish you do a bit more research outside your religious books to know what is natural and what isnt….

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_behavior_in_animalsRecommend

  • FarahKamal

    and how you are so sure that this issue is in very minute amount?Recommend

  • Hammurabi

    minor issue.? What if happens to any one’ sister or daughter?Recommend

  • Arsha

    Agreed …. And also to stop destroying the mental well being of their own child because he or she is not as per their expectation.Recommend

  • Arsha

    Your theory abt homosexuality being primarily due to early life experiences has been refuted long back.

    Also homosexuality does exist in animals. Check bbc articles on this topicRecommend

  • Arsha

    What is gay culture? Do u think just by some media promotion suddenly you would be attracted to another man? Even in societies where homosexuality is acceptable, the population of gays is minuscule.Recommend

  • Arsha

    Name one person who lives every step of his life as per the teachings of Islam – do you? …. Never lie, never hurt anyone, always give total respect to your parents and spouse, etcetera Recommend

  • liberal-lubna-fromLahore

    its the will of God only he Has command over life and deathRecommend

  • Hammurabi

    fine.if s pigeon closes eyes ‘ the cat remains there.Homosrxuslity is in the harmones of certsin babies born.They have to remain like that.Recommend

  • Sigh

    It’s very well-documented that same-sex behavior occurs among many other species Allah has created. It occurs among many types of monkeys, dolphins, and most definitely among humans. Feel free to look it up. And no, most homosexual people are not this way due to trauma–that’s a myth actually created and pushed by the Evangelical right-wing in the US. Let’s not lower the standards of Muslims, whom are asked by our Rabb to read and gain knowledge, to the level of those who make harmful claims simply to push a narrative. Recommend

  • Saad Hasan

    A very real issue. I blame parents and cowardly children (boys specifically) for not stepping up and owning up to the responsibility for their own sexual preference. The hell with reputation of the family when this is about ruining an innocent girl’s life. Don’t get married!Recommend

  • Hammurabi

    which dua cures homosexuality?Recommend

  • Bilal

    Ahaaa, Those who are supporting homosexuality and saying this is natural and exists in animal world as well , must also support incest , nudity and cannibalism because these things are also exists in animal world

    Apart from that , we have other issues to discuss . Just because his husband is gay and other 10k or less people are homo in Pakistan doesn’t mean that we have to think about there rights.

    There are more than 10 to 20 million( or more ) poor people in Pakistan who are facing electricity shortage , water shortage and so many other issues . We have to think about them instead of those elite or liberal scumbags who wants LGBT rights in Pakistan, because elites or liberals fanatics have no other issues or problemsRecommend

  • Haider Rehman Butt

    He is an Indian.Recommend

  • Qaiser

    The absence of any scientific evidence of it being natural renders it being un natural. It is a practice which is prohibited in Islam in express terms. So far as hate is concerned, I made no reference to that. Every society has moral standards and laws are made to protect them. If use of cocain is prohibited in a country, that is not to say that cocain users are hated. That practice is simply outlawed. You would agree that cocain users are also created by God too.Recommend

  • Bisharat

    Here is some “scientific evidence of homosexuality being a natural phenomenon” for you: http://www.yalescientific.org/2012/03/do-animals-exhibit-homosexuality/Recommend

  • Qaiser

    Dear Bisharat,

    Resorting to examples from animals to justify an act among humans is not the right approach. Animal kingdom also features incest, I am optimistic that you will not endorse incest among humans based on its existence in animals.

    Secondly, the attached article failed to site any credible references which is very unhealthy approach in an intellectual discourse. It merely quoted the usual 10% which is no more than a mis-quotation from Alfred Kinsey in 1947!Recommend

  • Qaiser

    Here is an Urdu-written article attached which may help understand the matter.

    http://www.express.pk/story/371667/Recommend

  • Qaiser

    Dear Imran,

    Islam has clear guidelines on the journey ethics. Same can be appropriately applied to traffic laws. Furthermore, Islam encourages Ijtehaad for novel matters. This is where the strength of Islam lies as it is ever so forward-thinking religion.Recommend

  • Qaiser

    Dear Edward,

    Whilst it is very true that religion, in this case Islam, cannot be forced on people and it certainly accords with Quran, the religion feature terms and conditions nevertheless. People don’t have to be Muslim. However, if they are, then they don’t have any privilege of modifying Islam to fit it in their own model. One cannot have it both ways.Recommend

  • Qaiser

    I have noticed this too. Express Tribune consistently allows articles and posts that violate the mainstream beliefs and traditions of Islam and Pakistan. In this article writer states ‘A person’s sexuality is their own business – so I am not here to judge’. This is a classic example of subliminal social engineering – promoted by Express Tribune.Recommend

  • ارشد حسین

    There are millions… if Allah (JJ) orders us to befriend with Pious and he never let pious in our society.. How is that possible with Allah… See in Quran.Recommend

  • ارشد حسین

    It confirms me that you are not married so your comment for me is useless.Recommend

  • uzair khan

    who told u being gay is natural… I have studies genetics.. it is an addiction adopted due to watching of indecency and other porn sites and bad company..Recommend

  • uzair khan

    media promotion motivates those who are already invlove..it give rise to social indecency….those who r not involved also get attracted and wish to try…Recommend

  • FarahKamal

    Thanks for sharing Aminah, hope many read your common who think that gays are non existent in our society. Even if few girls are effected it is a crime and should be stopped.Recommend

  • Kaldian

    I feel sorry for the author who writes such lame articles Recommend

  • ارشد حسین

    Yes traffic rules are the based on society concept, well explained in Islam.Recommend

  • ارشد حسین

    Whatever you say, I am computer programmet and financial accountant in a group of companies which lack broader minded of your typeRecommend

  • ranger

    Now your understood, Imran ..Why this country or the middle east is difficult to change?…The people who are countering you are all educated ..And now you can think about the thought process of the rest 80% population who cannot even understand your argument. BTW, I’m your neighbor and felt its my duty to support those who makes sense.Recommend

  • Zara

    You kow there’s no scientific evidence of the religion being divine, or that divinity actually exists. Does the lack of any scientific evidence render it unnatural too? Given that all the arguments against homosexuality come from religion, lets scientifically prove first that religion is divine and not man-made.Recommend

  • Open Mind

    How is one god any better than a million gods?Recommend

  • Open Mind

    Zara now that’s one bold and intelligent comment. I bet the only reasonable reply to your comment is a bundle of abuses :)Recommend

  • Qaiser

    Irrespective of whether there is any scientific evidence of religious divinity (and there is plenty, its just that the Western approach toward science is extrinsic and therefore incapable to decipher the intrinsic evidence), questioning the natural status of religion by this reference is rather naive. Determining something being natural by judging it being divine is plainly wrong. For example tsunami was natural but not divine within the ordinary meaning of the word.

    Secondly, there are plenty of arguments against homosexuality are available in the biological branch of science.

    Thirdly, I am Muslim and only confine myself to Islam – not to all religions. If you want to have scientific debate on Islam, you are most welcome.Recommend

  • John Byrne

    You are in denial if you think this and when they get married to a woman to cover this up, the woman will eventually go mentally ill and suffer badly in life thinking it’s all her fault, what have I done? Why won’t you make love and be close to me? I don’t think you know what you are talking about lady Recommend

  • Globe trotter

    and I feel sorry for folks like you who deny the reality and make other peoples life miserable.Recommend

  • Blue

    well the writer is right about gay people marrying straight people. i have a gay friend who married a straight girl and still loves guys. we have to understand the feelings of gay men as they are different and need love too. it will also save the humiliation they have to confront on the night of their wedding and won’t be destroying the lives of the girls who marry such men.Recommend

  • pseudo-true believer

    Wow. Stay single. How convenient is that…Recommend

  • pseudo-true believer

    Too much “values” has led to this. Recommend

  • pseudo-true believer

    Hence such fake marriages. You cant deny science. Research on how science is progressing on this matter. Recommend

  • Qaiser

    I am not entirely certain whether I understood your point. Could you kindly elaborate? Recommend

  • Hira

    This is not fake made up cases . After three months I finally discovered my husband now my is a closeted gay man. He hooked up on apps called Grindr and his own best buddy’s are his partners.

    Caught him red handed Recommend

  • Guest

    Thanks for sharing your own experience. Not sure why the entire society is in denial.Recommend

  • Jeddy Khan

    If gays were accepted, then gays would not be required to marry women. Women to would not be required to marry men, if their lesbianism is accepted.Recommend