What if she didn’t want to be a ‘chaand si bahu’?

Published: June 9, 2015
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The guests leave on a positive note, telling the host family that they ‘liked’ the girl and will be visiting again along with other family members. PHOTO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bu7roVjJ-e8

Her parents have told her to get ready. A family is about to visit their home to ‘see’ their daughter. The parents are all set to welcome the guests; the prospective in-laws of the girl. The guests leave on a positive note, telling the host family that they ‘liked’ the girl and will be visiting again along with other family members.

This is exactly the sort of comments any daughter’s parents would want to hear from those special guests. However, the happiness remains for a short term only as the parents are later informed that they were looking for a girl with an extremely fair complexion to suit their ‘pathan’ son.

The girl was not dark but now she feels that her complexion is unacceptable.

After some time, the same girl is sitting with some new guests at her home, presenting herself in the best possible way. She answers all the questions that she’s asked but remains quiet otherwise. Later, the guests inform her parents that the girl was so quiet that she seemed uninterested in the proposal altogether. It all appeared to be fishy to them. Thus, she is ‘rejected’.

She’s confused and doesn’t know what to do. She’s only trying to conform to the apparent standards; trying to meet the expectations of her parents and the society. But apparently, it’s not working. Hence, here comes another family who also desires to see if the girl fits the criteria of being a worthy daughter-in-law as per their standards.

Due to her past experience, this time she tries to be more vocal rather than just answer the questions that she’s asked during this ‘tough interview’. Making it a more congenial chit-chat, she dares to ask a few generic questions from the females, of her age group, sitting across only after the mandatory interview is over. The response she receives is:

Humara haq hai poochne ka!”

(It’s our right to ask questions!)

As expected, her boldness backfires this time too. The parents are told that their daughter is too blunt, contrary to how a typical eastern girl is supposed to be and hence, she is not the right kind of ‘bahu’ at all.

There are several other similar aspects that are not-so-acceptable in a female for the prospect of marriage. Some families would not approve of her merely because she has a career and according to them, girls who work possess doubtful characters. But on the other hand, if she decides not to work and take a break for a while, she is still curiously asked,

“Why are you sitting home? Why aren’t you working if you are so qualified? Don’t you have any ambitions?

“By the way, we are inquiring only out of curiosity even though in our own family, we do not approve of girls going out and working along with men.”

Such hypocrisy I must say!

This entire procedure of ‘bahu hunting’ is so influencing that the parents continue their attempt in mending their daughters as per the society’s will so that their dream of having their daughters married on time can be fulfilled. She is told to appear in her best form before the guests and is constantly reminded to look after her appearance. If she fails to abide by the standard, she is taunted as to,

Kaun pasand karega iss tara?”

(Who will like you like this?)

The girl transforms into an entity whose main purpose becomes to groom herself into a pleasing personality – pleasing enough to secure the best proposal around. Furthermore, if all the efforts are not working, then she definitely needs to target the unacceptable aspect about her which doesn’t seem to appeal to the ‘special guests’. Perhaps she needs to change her hair style – maybe shorter, maybe longer – or perhaps her dress sense requires improvement. It could be the matter of using the right kind of make up or visiting the best salon in town. The entire struggle would be commended if she ultimately becomes acceptable for the ‘bahu seekers’.

One after another, these awful experiences contribute towards deteriorating her self-esteem. She is made to believe that she is so full of flaws that she gradually starts losing confidence in herself and her abilities. However, this provides the ground on which some girls question the behaviour of the society.

They start thinking that if this is how the society treats us or if this is the way we can ‘allow’ the society to treat us, then what was all that education, qualification and empowerment meant for? What is the difference then between choosing a life partner and choosing a sacrificial animal?

Today’s educated girl challenges the society’s approach. She is empowered and refuses to be treated as a commodity. Nevertheless, the society’s mind-set is yet to be changed, whether it is the parents who make their girls comply with the society’s shallow standards or those ‘special guests’ who are always in search of ‘chand si bahu’ cum ‘robotic doll’ who can easily be tamed as per their aspirations.

Becoming a progressive society – as today we all aim for – demands that every individual makes an effort to abandon this absurd stigma and becomes more practical, sensible and down to earth. That definitely calls for a change in mind-sets on a wider scale because it’s the people who make up the society and set the relevant norms and therefore, can make a difference. Honest determination is the key to achieving it.

Kiran Wali

Kiran Wali

A business graduate working in the corporate sector. She tweets @KiranW_ (twitter.com/KiranW_)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • sophiak

    This all is so true with many other reasons for rejection. Nowadays people want a girl who is pretty, well educated (school and university name is very important here) and should belong to a well settled family so that ‘wedding functions’ can be lavish ‘rishtay wala or walis’ have made this a good businessRecommend

  • https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8559594100366660134#allposts Supriya Arcot

    Negative / Pessimistic/ Cliched .Recommend

  • Queen

    Sad, because nowadays, people want a bahu who is well educated (from top schools, colleges, and universities) , is working ( so she can spend her money and not be a burden on their son), is fair, slim, knows household chores and is perfectly willing to wash the bartans after coming home from office. The sad part is that the girl has to meet all these “standards” and not only that she also receives suggestions from aunties to change her hairstyle, join gym, or be ‘presentable’ to rishta-making aunties.Recommend

  • abcd

    So very very true !!! You have pictured the scenarios amazingly.Recommend

  • shaikh mustafa

    Most of the problems that we Pakistanis have been plagued with are social rather than functional and we as a people have always looked for technical fixed to social problems, hence the crash of our society to its present level.

    As for the rejection of ladies on certain grounds, it is indeed unfair. But don’t the girls’ parents/family do the same while they are out look for a Mr. perfect for their perfectly raised and reared daughter. While the former is sadly more common in our society but the latter too is true, though less frequent. A very nice boy of a very nice family is shown the door may be because he is not financially as sound as the girl’s family would have liked. So there you have it, it cuts both ways.Recommend

  • Amna

    This is what “Dark is Divine” , the first anti-colorism campaign from Pakistan is trying to convey and is also questioning unrealistic standards of beauty that have been set by the society!
    #RespectForAllisMust #DarkComplexionIsEquallyBeautifulAsWhiteRecommend

  • Custard_Pie_In_Your_Face

    Enough with the ‘poor me’ self pity already. Human beings are judged from the moment they’re born until the day they are buried. Sometimes even after they’re buried.

    If you’re expecting the world to change so that your brittle self-image doesn’t get shattered, prepare yourself for a lifetime of disappointment.

    Just develop abit of a thick skin and be who you are. If anyone judges you tell them to go…………….. take a jump off a tall building.Recommend

  • Commemtator

    I completely agree with you, ‘rishtay wala or walis’ are the real problems they have created money based match-making scenario and pushed the expectations of larkay walas to sky. Matchmakers always pinpoint too many problems in girls; she is short, dark, no status etc etc.Recommend

  • anon0912

    If the family you are gonna be spending the rest of your life with is so shallow and superficial,I say its better this way.Plus if a girl is that educated that she can support herself,why does she sit at home and wait for Mr Charming anyways?I say those who are able to break this vicious cycle do so and stop being victims because it just takes the one person to bring about a radical change and change the course of an entire nation.Btw don’t expect this mentality to change anytime soon,there is a huge difference between getting formal education and having common sense and its not so common in this nation unfortunately.I mean we live in the 21st century and people are still petty enough here to comment on skin color which is due to natural selection to regulate the amount of UV radiation.Truth be told women here are treated like animals in the sense that the families of the groom pick the ideal mate in exchange for them being provided for and then they are put on display as trophy wives.I know its very wrong but the whole thing reminds me of people buying goats right before Eid and they keep checking their teeth for some odd reason and we all know what happens come Eid now,don’t we?Recommend

  • http://msmahmood1.blogspot.ca Shaheer mahmood

    Everybody said, look such, talk such, behave such and be such
    Nobody said, be yourself and if somebody is interested, they should be interested in you, not the facade.Recommend

  • Ozair

    The situation is the same on both sides…The unmarried boys suffer as much as the unmarried girls. The guy feels like a complete circus animal when he is sitting in the home of the ‘larki walay’ and everyone- the larki’s three married sisters, 4 aunts, and two Neighbour aunties together with the larki’s menacing father and her hostile mamu are looking critically and vengefully at you- the poor boy. They ask you all sorts of silly and degrading questions, and make you feel like a beggar who has the audacity to sit in their home and look at their daughter!! When the girl comes, the boy is not even allowed to look at the girl even once. If he looks at her twice by mistake, you hear murmurs of ‘Taaru’ from the married sisters of the girls!!! and the girls’s father and uncle (mamu) in a menacing way, keep on staring at your trousers, probably checking that there is no bulge- ie the guy is not daring to look at their daughter with desire!! aargh…its crazy!!Recommend

  • Realistic

    So instead of fixing your flaws, literally the whole society ought to change to fit YOUR standards? Marriage is a big thing, people don’t want to spend the rest of their lives with someone who’d rather drop the expectations of society as a whole instead of critically analyzing her own shortcomings and improving herself.

    When you can’t climb a mountain, you don’t claim that society’s expectations are too high and where you stand should be the new mountain top. That’s absurd.

    Perhaps they’re just being nice and giving a kind reason instead of saying that they’d rather get mauled by a lion instead of looking at you for another second.

    Society is fine, you are the problem. Stop blaming others.Recommend

  • Asfand Tariq

    I totally agree with your opinion our society is really facing this issue but what is the solution should parents stop searching BEST baho for there sons or you have any better idea except court marriages and western marriage style??Recommend

  • Paki Girl

    Wow! This is all so relatable! I myself have gone through this all and yes, it surely made me lose all my confidence and morale. These mothers of the groom shamelessly put forward their ‘requirements’ as if they are literally in a market to ‘buy’ some item! Under such circumstances, I firmly believe the girls’ mothers should be bold enough to respond to such unreasonable conditions put forward! That is the only way we can drill some sense into the guys’ moms!
    Excellent read I must say!Recommend

  • Umar Asad

    I agree with a few things actuallyRecommend

  • Umar Asad

    I agree, the other side should be as competitive as we demandRecommend

  • Paki Girl

    “Marriage is a big thing, people don’t want to spend the rest of their lives with someone who’d rather drop the expectations of society as a whole instead of critically analyzing her own shortcomings and improving herself.”
    Really? If you consider marriage that ‘big’ what is even the point of going to a total ‘stranger’s house’ with the intention of marriage?! And please be a little sensible, you just cant judge somebody on the basis of her looks and that too in a short meeting of about an hour or so! What good will the girls’ looks do in a matter of 10 to 15 years from now? Sick mentality.Recommend

  • Paki Girl

    I agree, the situation might be the same. But in the end, the guy’s side always have the upper hand since they are the ones to give the final verdict.Recommend

  • Gullu Guddu and Gomnath

    A blog like this, is re-enacted every few months.
    Just change a few words. Applies on both sides
    of the borderRecommend

  • Paki Girl

    I agree, the situation might be the same. But in the end, the guy’s side always have the upper hand since they are the ones to give the final verdict.Recommend

  • Adnan

    Arranged marriages will always be based on such standards because people who are arranging them are least concerned about love which should be of prime standard for any marriage.Recommend

  • Adnan

    I think every person should take away their right of marriage from their parents and start using it. Our parents will always go for such standards but we may go after love in marriage.Recommend

  • Jagmohan Trivedi

    The best option for urban and educated persons could be a separate meeting
    between the boy and the girl in the first instance.If the two talk heart to heart
    and find compatibility,in terms of physical and mental beauty,they inform so
    to respective parents for further action.This may be breaking of tradition,but
    it solves the problem of unrequired examination by interlocutors.As regards
    semi urban and less educated families let them search chand si bahu.And
    time is not for away this will happen in orthodox families too.By the way
    more often than not too much search ends in mismatch ultimately.Recommend

  • Queen

    I agree but it is easier said than done. It is very difficult to see the disappointment in parents’ faces when a girl gets rejected on the basis of the reasons mentioned in the blog.Recommend

  • JayMankind

    Stop getting married. That is the answer.Recommend

  • Baloch Faisal

    It is true that our society is leading to this mind-set and i agreed on written points that may prove to be a thought provoking in very short. But at the same time and in same case there is another aspect as well which is ignored. And that is to put a ‘man’ in the same court where the girl was. You can find so many cases in which boys were rejected with number of reasons but not related to beauty actually but by occupations/professions. There are number of cases on which boys were accepted beyond the so called beauty but only because of having government jobs, technical experts (engineers, doctors) and many of living abroad. This way a class of private employees who have been giving all the time to career but having lower income and temporary jobs prevails a closed door to their fortune. Therefore, its not the women who solely experience embarrassment but men too.Recommend

  • hassan

    the materialistic attitude of both bride and groom has contributed to many failed marriages. Asking for heavy dowry from brides’ family has made our the relationship of husband and wife seems to be solely based on material. Same is the case with girls’ family. They expect good job, huge money, own house etc.Recommend

  • ZKhan

    This descriptive stories are typical for Girls..They might enjoy it reading…Recommend

  • Ali

    Can’t agree more….. it does cut both ways

    Although I m totally against “Girl showcasing”… but believe me its not like a walk in the park for guys too… I mean that weird look from everyone … larki’s married sisters… larki’s brother … investigative father .. skeptical mothers….. I mean guys really feel like sitting in for interview all dressed up…..

    Moreover, even larki wala have their “ajeeb si demands”… I have been looking for girl uptill recently (shuker finally got my soul mate) …. but most weird demands i have heard were….. Larka bahar hona chahye (guy should be settled abroad … PS. Australia is the most favorite destination but only with PR) …… other would be like… larka should live separately with our daughter after marriage…. yeah aunty right… what am i suppose to do with my ageing parents …..

    Demands are from both side…. i think as a society we all must start making some sense. May sanity prevail and such a sacred institution of marriage remain clean of all rubbish.Recommend

  • Sapna

    Huh? You say “10 to 15 years” …? Try “10 to 15 months” — in some cases you may as well replace ‘months’ with ‘weeks’…!! After all, ‘new models’ (I mean all sorts of ‘commodities’) seem to emerge in the ‘market’ in almost no time these days… right? :)Recommend

  • AB

    Aaah poor girls! here my male friends are being rejected because they earn less then 70k per month or they live in rented house. In my view this society is totally based on hypocrisy not only in rista mattars but in all aspects of life. Recommend

  • L.

    That living without the parents demand is ferocious! Unless the girl’s parents are willing to have their own son not keep them with his new family -.-Recommend

  • L.

    LOL now im trying to imagine how marriage came to be. A guy says to a girl: “Hey you know how we have been hanging out for a while, enjoying our selves and everything?……..Well I want to keep doing that for the REST OF OUR LIVES”. hahaahhaahahah

    But seriously, marriage is essential for the proper functioning of society. Us humans need order to live a stable life. Recommend

  • L.

    Either that is a HUGE exaggeration or you’ve just been watching “Mera naam Yousuf hai”! :D

    Most parents think the best for their children. They want us to only “fall” for the person we are in a secure relationship with.Recommend

  • L.

    Im saying it: Be yourself, otherwise you’ll have to wear that “perfect” mask for the rest of your life. And dont worry too much. No one is gonna win that one person who is written only for you :)Recommend

  • Custard_Pie_In_Your_Face

    No matter how difficult it may be to develop a thick skin, it’s still far easier than expecting society to change it’s behaviour.

    If anything would ease a parents disappointment it would be the girl herself being strong.

    I thought modern feminism was all about developing independence and self assuredness in young women but at the same time women paint themselves as perpetual helpless victims.Recommend

  • Ozair

    While in most cases this may be true, we are seeing a paradigm shift nowdays when parents of girls are willing to marry off their daughters but girls refuse because they are waiting for a hypothetical prince charming created by the media. I have personally witnessed this on number of occasions so am speaking from experience not just conjecture.Recommend

  • Realist

    Of course you can select a spouse on the basis of her appearance. Whether you like it or not, we are still slaves to our biology and being attractive is a good indicator of good genes. It’s literally evolution if someone doesn’t want to marry you. Looks will matter because you’ll pass on those good genes to your children, giving them a genetic advantage. That’s how every biological being operates. It’s pathetic I have to school you on something so elementary.

    You can cry all you like, the fact is people still won’t marry you. Allow me to remind you why Scandinavians are so beautiful. They don’t allow the propagation of undesirable genes through arranged marriages, and they don’t care if the uggos moan when no one has children with them.Recommend

  • DesiParedesi

    Somebody actually said that? Living without parents wali baat??Recommend

  • DesiPardesi

    Loving ur satire! I mean that was satire right?
    Im sure you have vast experience when it comes to rishtas and marriage and how comfortable the larka and larki are with the process.Recommend

  • Realist

    Great job addressing the undeniable facts I’ve mentioned and trying to play off what I say as satire. I’m not going to pander to your feminist ideologies and bend over, neglect facts and agree with the masses whenever a fatty can’t get married. Just because your emotions get hurt doesn’t change the facts. Guys want to marry attractive girls. Period. Notice how all the attractive girls get married so easily if they’re just willing.

    And to reply to your comment, no I don’t have that rishta experience. I never needed it. Since I’m an adult, I didn’t need my parents to find a bride for me, I got one for myself. And I am pretty comfortable with my marriage.Recommend

  • Realist

    Ever heard of the fox and the grapes?

    A consistent workout routine along with a good diet plan can help you maintain a good body until your later years. But of course that’s impossible, right? ;)Recommend

  • http://msmahmood1.blogspot.ca Shaheer mahmood

    the statement is not about me :)
    But i know people are affected by it, some blame goes to our cultural dynamics and some blame goes to people who value their reputation over everything else. But it ticks me the most when you are told to behave in a certain way that is not you.Recommend

  • Paki Girl

    A decently sensible and mature person would rather want his kids to be well educated and groomed rather than be ‘oh so handsome’ or ‘khubsurat’. Secondly, being attractive is an indication of good genes? Well, Sunny Leone is considered gorgeous by majority of the men! I need not say anything more!
    Your post just defines your shallow thinking, my friend. I am in no way going to argue with someone who gives all the credit to beauty in the name of ‘biological’ evolution! Mind you, it’s not just beauty that has evolutionized over the years!
    And I don’t care what the society thinks and I am pretty sure none of the other girls do, especially the ones who have been going through this all. ‘Cause if that’s what most people are looking for in a spouse, ‘beauty’ that is, I’d rather stay unmarried my whole life and that too contentedly! Sadly, it’s because of the existence of people like you that girls have to face such issues.Recommend

  • نائلہ

    yes, it is truly sad. All one can do is not let the same happen to your immediate and extended family members. Only way of progress, I dare say?Recommend

  • JayMankind

    That “order” you talk about is a formula really. Study, find job, get married and have kids. A lot of people today skip the last two steps. This is especially bad in advanced nations where the population is falling dramatically due to this phenomenon.Recommend

  • نائلہ

    I didn’t mean it in that form. Humans like to come home to a stable household; we like knowing that the person we are with is committed to us for LIFE. that’s what marriage does.

    The formula bit is not entirely untrue. You have to acknowledge the part a relationship like marriage between the parents has on children! Recommend

  • anonoymous

    best solution: girls & boys find your soulmates yourself whether in college/universities or workplaces!Recommend

  • Muhammad Aamir

    What will you prefer a love marriage or an arranged marriage? Islam allows us to choose a partner whatever we like, but in the modern age, it seems to be difficult to act upon it rather their parents select a partner for him. If it’s asked why parents select his partner, it’s said by his parents that you’re not mature, you’re a boy and have no knowledge about the world. We, the parents, are 50 years and we have double the experience as compared to you, really???. I know parents do their best to find a partner, but happiness exists if the boy chooses himself. If it wasn’t the case then why Islam ordered that. I think it is the main reason we’ve destroyed due to prayerlessness.Recommend

  • L.

    I always wanted arranged and Alhamdolliah that’s how things have worked out, but that’s because my parents are amazing and I trust that they will never make a bad decision in my part. Not everyone is lucky enough, sadly.

    I’m not in full support of either one of the parties to make the complete decision. If a guy like a girl, he has to communicate that to his parents and hope that they like her aswell. Obviously if she is rejected by them, no matter what the reasons are, the perspective of the guy is going to be negative. And a sensible reason for their rejection is absolutely vital. If not, let the two sould marry; like you said, our faith allows us to do that. And vice versa for the girl.

    I have met people who’s parents had no objection against the guy, but once they knew they LIKED each other, “astaghfar”, shaadi cancelled. Some are against the whole concept of even speaking to the person before marriage, whereas it is allowed, even encouraged to let the two prospective husband and wife speak to each other. Parents of children who want to marry for love need to keep in mind: Why force your child to marry someone he or she doesn’t like and hope that after marriage they will magically blossom into a love, when you already have a couple who genuinely adore each other? Recommend

  • Adnan

    Man is born with certain rights. If you take any of such rights away from him you will put him under permanent stress. He may not be showing his anger for such injustice but he will keenly perceive it. The right to marry a person of your own choice is one such right which man tries to utilize even in the most dangerous situation(where death is the only option—-honor killing).
    Why right to marry a person of one’s own liking is very important and why it should not be delegated to anyone at any cost? Why there often surfaces stories of elopement and Why the real threat of even death does not deter the eloping couples?
    Actually man has certain likes and dislikes. One cannot compel him to like the thing which he does not like and hate the thing which he likes. He likes and dislikes different clothes,different shoes,different places,etc. One may give him countless logical reason against the things which he likes but he will stick to the things. For example I do not like Shahid Afridi,I show people his statistics like his low batting average but still they say he is the soul of the cricket. Similarly in marrying a person of your own choice hard statistics i.e beauty,wealth,stability does not matter as it matters in arranged marriages and it is all about special liking for the person. And when man gets a thing he likes he will be happy if not then he will be otherwise.So for happiness and mental satisfaction of man he should be let to choose his partner according to his own standards.Recommend

  • L.

    Completely agree with you. But in cases where both the man and the woman have no one particular in their mind, arranged marriage is not a bad option. But obviously the two will need to communicate with one another to make sure they both fit into the other’s criteria before they agree to it.

    And regarding forced marriages, like you said: neither will be happy because one will not be getting enough love and attention from the other due to the fact that their spouse loved someone beforehand, whom his/her parents did not allow them to marry.

    Honestly, if you have time, do start watching the show “mera naam yousuf hai”, from the start on dailymotion or whatever. Episodes are only once a week. You appear to be very passionate about this topic and the drama tackles these issues exactly!! Great direction and an even greater script.

    http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2ib2pkRecommend

  • liberal-lubna-fromLahore

    Clearly, western powers at work who obviously want to rid Pakistan of its clean traditions and moral values. Marriage is a blessing and if u dont give in to western thoughts and keep your faith, things will work out for u because God is with u.

    I strictly condemn this propaganda article to kill innocence in Pakistan.Recommend

  • http://msmahmood1.blogspot.ca Shaheer mahmood

    That will surely have a ripple affect, as they say charity starts from yourself. Getting mass number of people to stop thinking “loog kia kahenge” is a much bigger project if I were to guess.Recommend

  • DesiPardesi

    Not sure where u r living but at one point ur saying society is not going to change and then u go on to say that u didnt need ur parents to find u a bride.

    The reason this rishta system exists is more to do with tradition and culture than being able to find a mate. Altho our society is changing slightly (gasp! There is change) otherwise pasand ki shaadi was frowned upon. You cannot deny that or ur living in a different Pakistan than the rest of us.

    Sure attractiveness is a major point in finding a mate but personality compatibility is as well. If it wasnt then we wouldnt be addressing the rising divorce rate amongst today- intolerance, impatience etc all arise from incompatibility, just an fyi.

    PS. I didnt go thru the arranged marriage route but trust me even i know how uncomfy the experience is for both the girl and the guy.Recommend

  • Realistic

    An attractive person well groomed is better than an ugly one with similar grooming. There are literally only advantages to being a superior physical specimen. And you’re acting like you can be only one, either good looking or educated. That’s quite daft and shows the level of your intellect and prejudice. And you say Sunny Leone is considered gorgeous, which she is, but you’re acting like that’s literally the only thing men look at. Quote me where I claimed education and grooming never mattered. Don’t mince my words. Having an education is the bare minimum requirement as well as being an upstanding citizen of society. You can be that AND good looking at the same time. Well, not you, but other girls; the ones guys want to marry.

    And please, don’t talk about education and then use words like ‘evolutionized’. Perhaps you meant, EVOLVED? Haha. And I never claimed that beauty has evolved. All I’m saying is that the reason men look for physical beauty is because it’s a natural instinct. You can’t expect someone to defy their nature just because it upsets you. The question you need to answer is, who do you think you are? Do you really think you’re worth the whole society changing themselves over? Are you really that narcissistic?

    And I love how you say what “girls are going through.” What exactly are they going through please explain it to me. People not wanting to marry them for their looks? But of course, they ought to be forced to marry even if they don’t want to, right? They are not going to marry you if they don’t want to, and them having that choice doesn’t make women victims of some cruel patriarchal society that’s out to oppress women. People want the best spouse for themselves, and if you aren’t it and that upsets you, IMPROVE YOURSELF instead of blaming literally the whole society and me for it.Recommend

  • JayMankind

    Commitment for life is a myth and a rarity. Such a commitment can only be tested if it happens between equals. Most wives are financially dependent and have nowhere else to go no matter how badly she is treated. On the surface it would seem like a lifelong “commitment”. Reality would be something else. If she were independent and she were committed then that would be saying something. But those are very rare cases. I am not saying all marriages are doomed to failure but most end in failures at least inasmuch as the woman’s plight is concerned.Recommend

  • L.

    Then you are referring to OUR people specifically; yes, some, if not most women in this part of the world are subjugated to more torture than one can handle, but that doesn’t mean all women in the world go through the same. Also, women aren’t always the victims; men are also likely to be physically or emotionally abused by partners in their life time. but today’s society thinks that they should “Be a man” and act like they can handle it when no human truly can.

    Your first sentence gives me the hint that you have never been in love. No, I do not mean only romantic; friendly, family- love is also extremely similar. These relationships are ropes we have to hold onto, they all require continuous nurturing or they will easily fall apart. And keeping the mentality that love is always “mortal” only gives one an excuse to fall back on when they are too lazy to put hard yards into their relationships. Recommend

  • نائلہ

    Exactly! “Log kya kahaingay”, you are the “log” stopping other “log” from accepting such things! They are all afraid of each other when deep in their hearts they all want the same thing. I have always been vocal about this to my family. Won’t ever let society tell me what to do :) Recommend

  • Jayman

    You’re right about people unwilling to put in the hard yards to work on a relationship. But that is the way modern society is. Career and work takes priority over almost everything. Romance is nice but wife and children? Not so much. Trust me, there are plenty like me. Happy to be doing their own thing. Pamper themselves instead of noisy, ungrateful kids ! :-)
    (Before you point it out, I wouldn’t have minded if my parents had the same ideas too. One never misses not being born.)Recommend

  • JayMankind

    The author has all the ingredients of a “chand si bahu”, I might add :-)Recommend

  • Adnan

    Thanks a lot for nice advice but I cannot watch teary eyes which dramas based on such topics are supposed to show.Recommend

  • L.

    lol you’re welcome :)Recommend

  • L.

    We have completely different outlooks on life; I just seem to be enjoying mine, while you are stuck thinking about the consequences of everything.

    But it’s great to have one’s own company, I am more of a people person hence I feel better with humans around me rather then by myself. Do I enjoy my own company? No. I know its bad, and I should have no problem being by myself, but how do you people do that? My brain goes crazy thinking in overload! Recommend

  • Jayman

    Maybe I didn’t make myself clear. I have plenty of friends I hangout with. What I don’t want is a wife and kids. They’re expensive and they enslave you for the rest of your life.Recommend

  • نائلہ

    Now that I re read my comment, it does come off as a bit insensitive; so I apologise for that.

    IMO Wife and kids provide support when you are old and withering. If you prefer friends ahead of them, then good for you :) Recommend

  • JayMankind

    I didn’t find your comments insensitive at all. I just wanted to clarify my position on where I stood.
    Exactly what my family members say too – wait till you get older. I tell them, if I regret it, I’ll go ahead and do that too. It is just another emotion. I’ll never say never. Maybe in a few years time, I may start to dislike my work and I might need other avenues to expend my time and energy. Maybe then, a nagging wife and noisy kids may not sound so bad. :-)Recommend

  • Neutron

    Bull shit .. I know guys who have been rejected for not earning more then 70k, cannot transfer a plot on girl’s name, and cannot manage 50 tola jewelry .. Stop playing feminist card every where .. I hope some sane person can write about a male prospective also.Recommend

  • Neutron
  • Khizer Jalal

    Well done, excellent writing. An unfortunate truth indeed. I feel Sorry for Pakistani girlsRecommend

  • Tiarna-Jayde Klaus Eichler Cun

    agreed … whilst i want a commitment ceremony with my multiple partners … id never legally marry … i dont need a contractRecommend

  • Tiarna-Jayde Klaus Eichler Cun

    tradition is overrated … i come from strict catholic upbringing … but i have ditched that tradition for pansexual polyamoryRecommend

  • Saad Irfan

    Parents feel so tied up in the ridiculous norms of the society thats why they compel their daughters to act in a certain way. Even if a girl refuses and gives a logical explanation they won’t understand because to them this is the only way to get married their daughter.
    The quest for a Gori, robotic, beautiful bahu is endless and people don’t realize that these traits won’t build a good family. What makes a good family is how broad a girl’s mind is and how knowledgeable and intelligent a girl is. Also, on the same side for a boy earning a good amount of salary, it is most likely that he will support the family in a good way. But this factor depends on age of the person. Young boys, on average, earn below 70,000 and to reach this benchmark the career progress in Pakistan wants you to be at least 30 yrs of age. Nevertheless for boys it is an important factor that he earns well after all he’ll be running the house.Recommend

  • Dr. Aamir Liaquat Hussain

    good..aap apni pasnd ki krna ;)Recommend