Spy pigeons: Subcontinent’s version of “biological” warfare

Published: May 29, 2015
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A spokes-pigeon for the community says they are chalking out a plan of action for protests if the foreign office does not ensure release of the captured pigeon within 48 hours. PHOTO: AFP

According to a report in The Times of India, Indian authorities have captured a “spy bird”. The bird is believed to be a Pakistani spy and is reportedly being held in “police custody”. 

Pigeons from all over Pakistan are expected to begin protests against Pakistan’s silence on this illegal detention of an innocent member of their community.

A spokes-pigeon for the community says they are chalking out a plan of action for protests if the foreign office does not ensure release of the captured pigeon within 48 hours. It threatened countrywide wing-jam and boycott of insect killing at first. In the second phase,

“We may resort to mass excretions on public vehicles and buildings”, it said.

When the cops holding the pigeon in custody were approached for a comment, they said this is no ordinary pigeon. Interrogations have revealed that it works for Pakistan’s Intelligence agency: Inter Services Intelligence (ISI) and its name is Captain Kabootar (pigeon).

Indian authorities have been looking for this spy for some time now, and its capture will lead to further arrests inside India. Several pigeons were already under suspicion and surveillance.

I received an anonymous tip from an anonymous source who swears that he was told by an anonymous person that ISI has an internal wing called PCBB: Pakistan Covert Birds Bureau and that this bureau is responsible for cross-border spy pigeon activities.

According to the anonymous source of my anonymous source, PCBB was established by the ISI in 1999, after Pakistan captured two Indian spies – namely Colonel Daddu and Major Supp, a spy frog and a spy snake, sent to Pakistan by India. The capture of the Indian spies was intentionally kept secret by Pakistani authorities since they were aware of how absurd, farcical, nonsensical, and ludicrous it may sound to the world. Apparently, under Mr Narendra Modi’s leadership, sounding sane is now India’s last priority, especially when it comes to statements regarding Pakistan.

According to yet another anonymous source, Indian authorities are not actually interested in interrogating or punishing Captain Kabootar, instead they want to use it in a prisoner’s exchange to free Colonel Daddu and Major Supp, and the exchange could take place any time soon.

The only problem, according to anonymous source number five, is that ISI locked the colonel and major in the same cell, and unfortunately Major Supp ate his superior Colonel Daddu a few years ago.

The situation has turned into a bilateral conundrum.

Disclaimer: This post being satire is for entertainment purposes only.

zafar.zulqurnain.sahi

Zafar Zulqurnain Sahi

A Lawyer by profession. A Gold Medalist in LLB from Punjab University and has a LLM degree from University of Warwick, UK. He is also a former Member Provincial Assembly of Punjab (2008-2013). He tweets @ZafarSahi (twitter.com/ZafarSahi)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Anjaan Aadmi

    The people of India will not find your article funny … because they have lost the sense of Pakistani humour after the Mumbai massacre by the Pakistani gunmen … !!Recommend

  • Queen

    Amazing satire;) The entire nation should pray for Captain Kabootar’s safety.Recommend

  • Sunny

    @Anjaan Aadmi Can you please update us about the Investigation status of 2007 Samjhauta Express bombings, when 68 Pakistani citizens on legal visit to India were blown up in to pieces, several others lose their limbs as a result of attack committed by Hindu extremists on Indian soil ?Recommend

  • HZR

    This is risk is not as frivolous as it is made out to be.Bio terror is real and frankly the world is unprepared for it.Recommend

  • goggi (Lahore)

    Have you a solid PROOF that Ajmal Kasab was a Punjabi? Have YOUR eyes and ears seen and heard him speaking in Punjabi? If yes, then convey the source for clarification of facts. If you cannot, then your pen-name “Anjaan” is applicable for all your fellow countrymen who believe in nonsense ghost tales, be they Hindus or Muslims.Recommend

  • M Waqas Sajid

    LMAO at Major Sapp and Capt. Daddu..Recommend

  • Emad

    Honestly this is probably the best article i have read in ET’s historyRecommend

  • pn awasthi

    Capt Kabooter probably been planning this invasion for weeks, studying schematics and maps, learning the details of the Indian territory. Capt said his tearful goodbyes to his wives(because in Pakistan it can have 4 wives) and children and then flew for secret mission.But in India it was caught and now security agency will interrogate and make him to confess that it was trained by ISI and is feeling guilty.Recommend

  • wiserneighbour

    Pigeons were used as messengers always.If a pigeon is trained for that purpose,amidst the strict monitoring of cyber world, and telecommunications, there is no novelty or satirical about it.India is on high guard after Mumbai carnage. Due to that infiltration has come down to negligible numbers.When terrorists roam free in Pakistan, India should be on high guard.Recommend

  • Vegetable Man

    If it was the Pakistani Police who had the Pigeon in custody, not only would it have already confessed to being a Spy… it would also have claimed responsibility for all kinds of Crimes not yet “solved” (for lack of a better word) by the police…. like targeted killings, extortion, kidnapping for ransom, attacking police, firing at minorities…
    And that is why Pakistani Police is #1 in the world…Recommend

  • MF

    LOL… Why the hell would this blog need a disclaimer?Recommend

  • pn awasthi

    @ Sunny:For your kind information Samjhauta Express bombing happened inside Indian territory and investigation was carried out by Indian agencies.All person suspected involved are behind the bars.There can not be any comparison between Samajhauta Exp and Terrorist attack in Mumbai,where Pakistan trained terrorist crossed into India and carried out horrendous act of terrorism.Recommend

  • L.

    Well him speaking in Punjabi cannot be counted as proof, can it? Maybe he was pakistani, Punjabi even; the most important thing is that he was a terrorist. but still, they can’t put the blame on the state of pakistan until they have valid proof particularly for that.

    Pakistan has been facing terrorism for a decade. Tens of thousands of our people have been killed by the same group of people that did the unfortunate Mumbai attacks. But it seems that to indians, their own lives are more valuable. Recommend

  • L.

    By “pakistan trained” do you mean trained by the state of pakistan?? If yes, then how dare you make that accusation without valid proof? And if you are going by the words of kasab or any other terrorist, let me remind you: you are putting trust in men who killed your own people! Recommend

  • نائلہ

    In islam it can have 4 wives actually. Mr awasthi was the kabooter a born muslim or a convert? You just seem to have so much knowledge…..Recommend

  • نائلہ

    Lol you should see the memes on Twitter ;)Recommend

  • Dhumponka

    Because in Pakistan… you never know…Recommend

  • Queen

    I was laughing yesterday watching memes on #pigeonvsIndia hashtag :DRecommend

  • Headstrong

    Apologies as an Indian for valuing Indian lives more than pakistanis. Not everyone can be like the altruistic pakistanis, who value the lives of citizens from other countries more than their own. Truly wonderful lot. Not!Recommend

  • Custard_Pie_In_Your_Face

    The spy pigeon prefers his birdseed shaken and not stirred. While he isn’t yet licensed to kill, he’s licensed to target newly waxed cars all over India.Recommend

  • hp kumar

    Pakistanis feel that rest of the world is as tolerant as they r as far as act of terrorism is concern..Thats surely not the case..Anything coming from pakistan cant be taken lightly..Safety of our countrymen should be of prime concern Recommend

  • mohib khan

    Well done sisRecommend

  • mohib khan

    Both the nations are at war. Its a cold war with all the resources spent on defense and terror at the same time the masses suffer due to poverty, shortage of medicine and other facilities. Its a filthy situation. the story is funny and we cant stop laughing. If the Indians join in the laugh it will not hurt themRecommend

  • India Based Indian Muslim

    You are being too clever by half. ‘Pakistan-trained’ clearly means trained in Pakistan. You should know to what extent elements of ‘Pakistan state’ were involved. What by the way is ‘Pakistan state’ – Nawaz Sharif, Pakistani army, ISI, of any of the ‘agencies’ blamed for the disappearance of Pakistan’s own people? How confident are you that none of your ‘Pakistan state’ was involved?

    That however is not the reason Indians should not conduct any dialogue with Pakistan until the killers of Indians are brought to justice. It is for deliberately sitting on the case in complete disregard to all the evidence provided to them by India and as acknowledged by security agencies around the world.Recommend

  • seismann

    . Many people in Pakistan didn’t even believe there was TTP until they start murdering them in bulk.Even now they are the heroes for many Pakistanis.Conspiracy theories must abound in a country where Mumtaz Qadris and OBL are the favourite Muslim Heroes.They will find their place in Pakistani texts soon, just like Ghaznavis and all other Muslim marauders have.Recommend

  • waqar janjua

    we had captured a monkey who cross over to Pakistan. we put him in a zoo
    didn’t make a fool of ourselves at that time. release our camel too who is jailed over a decade

    http://tribune.com.pk/story/302548/pakistan-arrests-indian-monkey-for-crossing-border/Recommend

  • Truth

    Hopefully the “high guard” will be extended to India’s campaign against the heatwave which has already left 2000+ deadRecommend

  • نائلہ

    lol you edited your comment JUST so you could add the “not” at the end? I know you can’t handle pakistan doing anything right, why then would I think that you will be praising it’s people? Recommend

  • Gratgy

    Journalist Saeed Shah travelled to Kasab’s village and produced national identity card numbers of his parents

    In January 2009, Pakistan’s National Security Advisor Mahmud Ali Durrani admitted to Kasab being a Pakistani citizen while speaking to the CNN-IBN news channel.

    You are living in DenialistanRecommend

  • Headstrong

    Because one notices that you guys have a tendency to deliberately misunderstand – or should that read not understand? Recommend

  • نائلہ

    You are not that “one” surely? :LRecommend

  • L.

    No, the comment wasn’t clear because there is an existing backdrop of accusations of pak sponsored terrorism from your people. If it was clear enough, then why in the world would I bother replying?

    I do however, agree with the rest of your statement. Recommend

  • L.

    Oh wow we’re keeping a count over here I see…..lets talk about the exchange of human prisoners ahead of the animals shall we? :) Recommend

  • L.

    I hope you weren’t making a mockery of the deaths cos that’s vile. Recommend

  • Headstrong

    Call me one among the many all over the world :-)Recommend

  • نائلہ

    To each their own I guess. Recommend

  • Khwajah

    Just so you know, some of these so-called “marauders” like the
    Mughals of Taj-Mahal fame are considered heroes in India too… or at least they once were…

    Or do you take the side of the Hindu-revisionists who only support non-Muslim “heroes” (as the recent controversy over Akbar the Great and Pratap Singh highlighted)Recommend

  • Truth

    In hindsight maybe it was, but it really is absurd to see Pakistan being (perhaps rightfully) bashed on overspending on defense and underspending on other areas by the same Indians who stoop to defending ludicrous spending on pigeon patrol police and praising their “high guard”…Recommend

  • goggi (Lahore)

    your reply is not the answer to my question!

    I have absolutely no sympathies for this mass murderer Kasab and neither am I a prejudiced Pakistani or India hater. But after following in YouTube his funny “ham karta, ham jaata etc” interrogation with a police officer, I doubt the true identity of this terrorist!

    He might be a very illiterate Hindu Pakistani of Gujarati origin
    but he is certainly not a Punjabi. As long as I don’t hear him speaking in his crude village Punjabi…………it remains for me a put-up job!!!!!
    And keep in your mind the admitted lie from one Indian officer about
    his obsession to eat three times a day BIRYANI and you all Indians believed that nonsense too???????Recommend

  • Gratgy

    His parents were traced to Faridkot, Punjab with their voter ids on your own TV channel.

    “As long as I don’t hear him speaking in his crude village Punjabi…………it remains for me a put-up job!!!!!”

    I am typing in English, I must be related to the Queen of England. Wait, I can speak French too then I must be related to Napolean

    As I said you are living in DenialistanRecommend