What Naya Pakistan will be like in 2050

Published: April 18, 2015
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This is the year 2050. The Pakistan we once knew in 2015 has changed tremendously.

This is the year 2050.  The Pakistan we once knew in 2015 has changed tremendously.

Or has it really?

Below is the glimpse of literally ‘Naya Pakistan’.

1. The government vows to end the energy crisis till 3058. Promise.

2. Malala Yousafzai has moved back to Pakistan and is currently running for the office of prime minister, from the Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) of course. She enjoys an unequivocal support from not only the liberal faction within the country, but also from King’s Landing, Meereen, Bravos and Winterfell. However, she continues to face severe backlash from religious outfits and Wildlings, a wave that started back in 2012 when she was allegedly shot.

3. Jibran Nasir has successfully staged 6.7 millionth protests outside Lal Masjid. This time the strength was extraordinarily high, no fewer than 13 participants were seen. Nasir has been struggling for decades to transform Lal Masjid into a coffee house.

4. Farhan Khan Virk has been elected the new chairman of Pakistan-Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI). His unparalleled services and countless Twitter trends have finally paid off. While the gullible Insafians throw a break-dance party, the decision has sparked deep chasms in the party. Rumor has it that the party may split into two factions – Suleman Khan led PTI-Haqeeqi and Virk led PTI-Insafi.

5. The Election Commission is still auditing the 2013 elections. Results are expected to be announced real soon.

6. Bilawal Bhutto, having quit politics long time ago, runs his own beauty salon – ‘Mera Nakhra, Totally Wakhra’– in the UK. Yes, he is out. Plans are underway that Bilawal Lovers Organisation (BLO) will soon open a local branch in Karachi. The customers are just pouring in.

7. Asifa Bhutto, vice-chairperson PPP (the chairperson is 95-year-old Asif Ali Zardari), vows to bring Benazir Bhutto’s murderers to justice.

8. Altaf Bhai has tendered his 10 zillionth resignation.

9. Zulfikar Ali Bhutto abhi bhi zinda hai (is still alive).

10. Islam is still in danger, and needs more-aggressive-than-ever saving.

11. The Pakistan Muslim League-N (PML-N) is obsolete. The Sharif clan has long since fled to Saudi Arabia. Their last mega project was the 116-lane motorway connecting Raiwind directly to Saudi Arabia with numerous underpasses and fancy overheads. The entire length of the motorway was beautifully adorned with miniature metros, motorways, peeli (yellow) taxis and sasti rotis (cheap bread).

12. Shahid Afridi has taken back his ODI resignation, saying he is still young and energetic, and has plenty of years ahead of him.

13. Meera is still single and looking to settle down. In her desperation, she has proposed to a tree, a potato, a chair, and a few thousand “Will you fraandship me?” strangers on her Facebook’s ‘others’ messages.

14. Ali Zafar will soon release Ebola Remix.

15. Having exhausted all his options, Talat Hussain now appears on Madni TV. His show’s name is ‘Naya Talat Hussain’.

16. Talking to reporters, the self-certified religious scholar, and femininely-acclaimed gay fashion designer, Aamir Liaquat, says he has been divinely inspired to launch designer pants, flashy tees and pink spectacles and watches for men, Masha Allah, of course.

17. A new age of liberal darkness has surfaced in Pakistan.

18. Asma Jahangir III is vociferously campaigning for LGBT rights in Pakistan. She says that had it not been for the army, the LGBT community would have gotten their ethical and deserved rights back in the times of Asma Jahangir I.

19. LUMS has sparked yet another controversy by banning lectures of religious scholar Hamza Ali Abbasi, the former heartthrob and actor. Visibly shaken, PTI Chief Farhan Virk promises to stage a dharna in Abbasi’s defense, and of course, innumerable Twitter trends. Some of the trends include:

#LUMSDudeThisIsSoRude

#LUMSMustSuccumb

#YoLUMSSoBad

#LUMSOrSLUM

#LUMSTeriShamatAyeea

20. The last date of sim verification has been extended to June 12, 2058. PTA confirms for the nth time that all unregistered sims will be permanently blocked after the last date. This was warning number 679821.

The original post can be viewed here.

Saira Zulfiqar

Saira Zulfiqar

A pharmacy graduate who works as a Medical Writer for Alere Analytics, USA. She is also a content and academic writer associated with British Council and LUMS. She tweets @BajiPlease (twitter.com/BajiPlease)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Faizan

    If u were trying to make us laugh u failedRecommend

  • Rizwan

    Thoroughly entertaining puns. Excellent writing. Saira aka Bajiplease is a hugely talented person and a helpful humble human being. Huge fan here! Recommend

  • just_someone

    Honest Suggestion: Please don’t dabble in blog writing :)Recommend

  • String

    Lovely article , Pak may be worst and more in troubles along living with poor governance . We as nation to stand up now and let to change the decades old poor , inept governanceRecommend

  • Zeeshan

    The #5 was Fall down Funny lolRecommend

  • ovais

    too much love for farhan virk i see ??Recommend

  • Musa Khan

    I love your article! We love Farhan Bhai, He will be PTI Chairman In’Sha’AllahRecommend

  • Maham Insafian

    I love to see Farhan Bhai as PTI ChairmanRecommend

  • IQ Jakal

    HAHAHAHAHAHA Asma Jahangir for LGBT rights lolRecommend

  • Dolly Khan

    Too funnyRecommend

  • Amina Rehamist

    wow farhan is a celebrity nowRecommend

  • Anam Ali

    nice step indeed..Want farhan as PTI ChairmanRecommend

  • Abdullah Ali

    I want Farhan Bhai on tv show as anchorRecommend

  • waseemakhtar

    Beautiful piece Saira. Thouhg I disagree with the point (no2:) No one other than a Bhutto could assume the reins of PPP. So please cancel Malala unless she renames herself Malala Zardari Bhutto.

    No11: The Sharifs can no more flee to SA after the Yemen stance.
    No15: Bang on target. Amazing :)

    You forgot BOL? Still hiring Vice Presidents in 2050.

    PS: I hope headline of this blog would have been corrected by the time my comment goes online :)Recommend

  • Muhammad Haris Zohaib

    A delightful read. Loved it.Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/MalikSaabSays MalikSaabi

    You forgot to mention:
    We got rid of IMF programmes – but now all our roads, rail and electricity network are owned by Chinese corporations through their IMF v2.0: AIIBRecommend

  • CutofJib

    You went easy on toad Altaf. I bet you wont even allow this comment to go through.Recommend

  • https://www.facebook.com/ ather khan

    the writer has surely has a thing or two for lgbts.Recommend

  • Syed Sayyar Badshah

    Wow nice work……..Most funny are Bhutto abhi zinda hai, Auditing of 2013 Elections and Altaf Resignation :PRecommend

  • Babloo Karachi

    Ms PTI you forgot to add ” Imran Khan took one more U turn( this being the 203547th ) and rejected the by poll of NA 123 of Changa Manga claiming DHANDLI and declared a dharna near Manga Mandi until PM Hamza Shahbaz Sharif resigns “Recommend

  • Aamna Hassan Fasihi

    All of this is so spot on. Especially ‘Mera Nakhra, Totally Wakhra’. Hilarious. :pRecommend

  • salmanbaig0312

    The title says ” 2015 ” while the content is of “2050”

    I think its a mistake Saira.Recommend

  • J&D

    This is simply hilarious. Satire at its best. Should write more often.Recommend

  • http://haseebayazi.com HASEEB AHAMD AYAZI

    lel…… :-D very funnyRecommend

  • Mike Baxter

    Excellent
    . . . . And Jamaat Islami takes out 1000th protest march demanding freedom for Afia SiddiquiRecommend

  • Abdul wahab

    Write very well . but most funny thing your twitter account name Baji please . No way lolxxRecommend

  • yAhyA

    HaHaHa , sab se tyt Jibran Naasir aur Hamza Ali Abbasi wala tha :D-Recommend

  • Ali Abbasi

    haha! Just ridiculous enough to be relevant yet funny!Recommend

  • Ali Abbasi

    Though I think the title was meant to be 2050 not 2015Recommend

  • Waqar Ahmed

    This is actually quite a funny blog :DRecommend

  • http://xebsoft.com/ Muhammad Waqas

    This would be what NAYA PAKISTAN. Splendidly written, appreciated.Recommend

  • Usman

    Wow PTI-Haqeeqi and Virk led PTI-Insafi , femininely-acclaimed gay fashion designer : Aamir Liaquat, Mera Nakhra, Totally Wakhra….hahaha you have written such a master piece! Quite amusing.Recommend

  • Khan

    And PTI Supporters says that only Imran can Bring the ChangeRecommend

  • shehzil

    Hahah wth? Superb, a must read, loool.Recommend

  • Fareed Khan Afridi

    That was SCINTILLATING ! Good job. Great satire. Kudos to you !
    Shows the great sense of humor of Paks. They still have this ability
    to laugh at themselvesRecommend

  • Altaf

    I think you gave the wrong headline… It’s 2050 you are talking about… and secondly think positive.Recommend

  • Unpredictable Soul

    and tribune will be having children like…
    tetrabune, pentabune, hexabune, heptabune, octabune, nonabune and decabune… :DRecommend

  • Parvez

    …….still laughing……….that was funny.Recommend

  • critic

    pathetic ..and total waste of timeRecommend

  • Faisal Naeem

    Missed inqilabsRecommend

  • forced2

    Imran Khan will be stuffed with a new form of botox created in BB salon.Recommend

  • Mutti

    Just Waste of timeRecommend

  • Asad Ullah Shahid

    Naya talat hussain was the best one!Recommend

  • نائلہ

    Haha the Farhan Khan Virk bit ; DRecommend

  • Hashim Rolay

    Hahahahahahah Recommend

  • rayan

    well many people don’t know that Malala is a Indian central intelligence agent, they already have prepared her for future Pakistan prime minister. if it does pakistan will be submissive to Indian influenceRecommend

  • Kratos

    This wasn’t the least bit funny. I came here hoping for a well-thought out, intellectual article. All I got was lame game of thrones references and wack jokes. Complete waste of time.

    By the look of the comments, only ‘paindus’ found this amusing. That in itself, says enough.Recommend

  • critic

    metabune to start wid :)Recommend

  • Arfeen Siddiqui

    The only thing needs to be updated is no. 2. Since no one is left in PPP to claim this prime minister thingy. At the age of 95 Asif Zardari admitted that Malala Yousafzia is her daughter as he remember long time ago when he visited her homeland and met her mother. Just like Bilawal he is going to change her name to “Malala Bhutto Zardari” so she can run in the name of Bhutto.Recommend

  • liberal-lubna-fromLahore
  • Fawad Ali Shah

    I am not sure wether Pakistan will survive till 2050 or not ???Recommend

  • Khurram Muslim

    yar you nailed it! hhahahahhaha :DRecommend

  • kaamAdmi

    And Saira Zulfiqar still looking for a decent professionRecommend

  • Alann

    ISIS would’ve established its control over half of Pakistan by then, while the Pakistan Army will still be fighting a “Zarb-e-Something” to avert an existential crisis.
    Mines, Ports, Balochistan, Kashmir, economy (whatever’s left), stock exchanges would be handed over to the deeper than ocean Chinese friends.
    Chaudhary Nisar & Sartaj Aziz’s successors would be living in their flats in the US/UK so as not to get killed by the “bad” terrorists and warning India of Pakistan being a nuclear armed nation, from there.
    There would be an evergrowing breed of highly intellectual Pakistanis who may not know the actual population of Pakistan or the meaning of its national anthem, but will have exact statistics with regards to number of toilets in India and the poverty figures in the neighbour country.
    Zaid Hamid would still be demanding a technocratic, patriotic, caretaker government in Pakistan and (still) preparing for Ghazwa-e-Hind simultaneously.Recommend

  • Tabreej Moshub

    This Show How much struggle Indians do to spy neighbourhood through Paid Print Electronic and Cyber Media. Actually Indians have Paki phobia. Or may be Modi is paying Handsome Salary to Indians to troll ET specially. RAW funded $1 Billion Annually to ET. As its your job to defame Pak. Unknowingly Pak joined hands with Super Power of Asia.Recommend

  • Tabreej Moshub

    We are sure you will survive till to see glorify Pakistan. Pak China Friendship Live Long. Recommend

  • Chapati Eater

    A good bit of satire is all I needed.Recommend