I cheated on my wife, but she won’t let me divorce her

Published: April 3, 2015
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Just like you cannot sail two boats at one time, you can only ever make one woman happy at one time. PHOTO: BUZZKENYA

While you may find many sympathisers for women, who everyone thinks are the only silent prisoners in the Alcatraz of a nuptial knot, there is hardly anyone who ever wants to understand a man’s perspective in a failing relationship.

I fail to understand why women are often portrayed as ‘the victim’ in a failing relationship and the men as ‘unjust’. Why are women projected as the weaker link when there is much ado about women’s rights and freedom?

Don’t get me wrong here; I am an avid supporter of feminism and women’s empowerment, which I truly believe are two different things. I have always supported good education for women and encouraged career development. But where is that self-confidence, empowerment and the ‘can do’ attitude when you need it for your personal matters?

got married as early as 25 to a woman I thought I loved at the time. I gave her my best for a few years and we have three beautiful daughters together. My job’s lucrative demands required extensive travelling.

What could possibly go wrong one must be thinking?

Here is where the plot gets a twist.

Love is not self-invigorating and this had already become clear in our case. After being in an honest relationship with my wife, I realised I was not getting the attention that was due. I felt my wife was closer to her family – who always lent her a helping hand with our children – than to me.

However, I have decided not to take that as an excuse for me to justify my actions. The simple matter of fact is, I fooled around and fell in love.

I met a woman online and what initially started out as foolish flirtation, turned into very intellectual conversations on different topics. We exchanged views on languages, culture, and faith. She gave me the much needed attention and love that I had been longing for. We came together like the opposite poles of a magnet. We would take holidays abroad every few months to be together. These moments with her turned out to be the happiest moments of my life and a bouquet of memories that I will cherish for long.

To say my wife had no idea on what I had been up to could be equated to me living in a fool’s paradise. Women can sniff these things out even before they happen. There is no shame and excuse required for choosing to love a woman you know you are compatible with.

All hell broke loose when I finally decided to tell my wife that I had decided to call it quits with her. The scene that unearthed following my confession could have been aired for a Pakistani drama and the dialogues could have been used for a Bollywood movie.

My wife used every trick she could pull from the hat. And in the end, she overwhelmed me with her outburst to the point that I gave up.

Just like you cannot sail two boats at one time, you can only ever make one woman happy at one time. My children proved to be the Achilles heels in our case. I unhappily ended my extra-marital affair and sunk rock-bottom into a well of sadness.

While ‘cheating’ is a social taboo, getting a ‘divorce’ is a bigger one. What can be a simple separation with shared responsibility of the kids becomes animosity between two parties.

Families are brought in, threats are exchanged, pep-talks are given.

All the guilt rests on the man’s shoulders and the woman plays the victim in the act. A woman’s fate is thought to be sealed for life if she gains the title of a divorcée. What could very well turn out to be an easy corridor to a happier future relationship for both man and woman, freezes the relationship in its most unstable state.

Marriage is not an obligation you must fulfil at the cost of being unhappy. Yes, marriage is sacred, but only when the foundations are strengthened with the pillars of love and affection. It is like a house of cards that can collapse with the whiff of air, and when it does, there is no resurrecting it.

One can file for separation and start living the life they want to and hopefully find eternal bliss one day. Or you can stay together with clouds of uncertainty looming above your heads and hoping it rains and clears out one day.

For me, I choose to live a pointless life faking a happily ever after.

Anonymous Husband

Madotlive

The author is a systems analyst and has been working abroad for over 10 years. He has worked for the world's top consulting firms in the Asia Pacific and MENA regions.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Abbas

    So finally at last some one dared to hoist the underlying issue. I totally agree with the fact that our society always portray men devoid of emotions who are bond to take care of the women without expecting any thing in return. If you are not having a quality of time with your relationship, then its pretty useless to move with a baggage.
    Sadly our society still needs to evolve where Divorce wont be seen as a Taboo. In my Opinion people should spend a substantial amount of time together before jumping into the decision of getting Married. All hail to the author.
    Recommend

  • HJandail

    why you failed to provide the helping hand she needed for your kids??? have you ever asked that question to yourself? You must not have… the holidays you took and the time you spent on your extra-marital affair if was spent with your family would have added to the bouquet of memories that one built over the course of life with family. Don’t justify your act and neutralize the malice of divorceRecommend

  • Nandita.

    I am sorry but I don’t have any empathy for you. And yes, in your case your wife was the victim.
    If you didn’t love her anymore or if you weren’t happy , you should have left her and then had the affair. There’s no honour in cheating on your spouse.
    I understand that people fall out of love. That happens and it is absolutely okay to fall out of love. You can’t force yourself to love someone. But if you’re so unhappy, just Leave. Some people who cheat play it smart. They first look for another partner and then want to leave the spouse.
    Unless, you are in an open marriage (which you weren’t) it’s NOT okay to deceive. Adultery is unacceptable.
    Some friends of mine are in extra marital affairs, even if they ask me for advice I don’t give any- I prefer staying away from such mess but I will be honest- I don’t respect adulterers. Leave your partner first, then go and find someone – not the other way around.
    Deceiving, cheating is not something I can condone.Recommend

  • Visibly

    Are you serious? If so, you need to understand the facts of life. Here you have a wife who have used the best years of her life to make you a family and look after your daughters while you have “fooled around”. She won’t divorce you: But have you asked yourself why? Possibly because divorce is shameful. For the woman! Perhaps because you have not ensured that you will still be committed to your daughters? If you want a divorce, perhaps a good approach will be to admit openly to everyone that it is your fault, not hers! Furthermore, that you after divorce will support your wife so that she can live well until she marry again (if she does) and help her to advance her own life and career if she so wish. You also need to guarantee that you will support your daughters as a father and economically. Quite simply a typical divorce, but not a separation from your responsibilities as father and husband.Recommend

  • Sana Adnan

    AwWw! How sweet of you to “sacrifice” your beloved extra marital relationship while your wife enjoys playing the victim card, no?
    Tell me one thing. Your wife left her family for you. She got pregnant and gave birth to your 3 daughters and looked after them while you were busy traveling with your sweetheart adding beautiful memories to the bouquet of your life. And then one day when you told her that she can leave cuz you want to enjoy the fragrance of your new fresh boquet she got all upset about it, right? Cuz you would have lived happily with your new wife but your wife would have lived a life of a divorcee with 3 children. Could you find her a sweetheart too who could add similar boquet to her life? No? Cuz men don’t accept second hand women. They are not fresh you know. And how would you have acted if your wife went on holidays leaving kids on you and having an affair with her sweetheart. You would have kicked her out the next day.
    So get over with all that sympathy seeking and get back to life. ThanksRecommend

  • hina

    wallahi Please Sir Allah is just in place of your wife you may find you sister daughter I wish you are not a follower of Muhammad PBUH he never did this to any one .Remember sir Allah is justRecommend

  • Saba Idris

    After all this you want to know how divorces are blamed only on men? Is your article a sarcastic one? Because otherwise you are not clear in what you want to prove. It sounds like you want to prove your innocence but really you are only writing about your wife’s misery in having you as a husband.
    The fact that she is closer to her folks than to you is because of your lack of communication skills. You might have great relationships with pen pals, but you cannot face people on the face level. Plus, you do not take responsibility for your daughters, it is your wife’s people that must fill in the gaps. (This is torture, by the way, that you have to rely on your parents for children that are your husband’s responsibility).
    Lastly, you expect her to give up her marriage AND take responsibility for your daughters because you have other priorities? She is the real victim here, son, not you.
    Divorce is not a taboo anymore. It is the effect that it will have on the children involved that is the real problem. Your girls cannot live with a stranger man in the house, neither will your new wife give them the confidence that they need. THAT is the reason why this divorce is a bad idea.Recommend

  • you are pathetic

    How convenient of the husband to take his good time to find that special person while he bears children to another. How convenient of you to assume that she is not happy with the father of her children ( for this relation alone she could devote her life to you).The fact that the wife has been deceived by the person she had given her sacred body, her soul, her life to is not easy to digest and it has broken her beyond repair.

    If you want play fair then give her time to fall in love with another person, let her go on these vacation leaving you with kids and let her divorce you not because there is any flaw in you simply because she has found her soul mate.Fair play would be if that soul mate of yours finds another, leaving another stack of children with you.

    you are an adulterer. You are wrongRecommend

  • Sana Rana

    Are you crazy? How cruel you are? You know when you were enjoying your holidays and having time of your life, you wife was spending it in taking care of your daughters.
    Either you are tipsy or living in a fools paradise…If cheating on your wife is OK for you, will you accept a son in law for one of your daughters on the same terms and conditions?
    Man, twisting the facts cannot lessen the malice of divorce!
    Recommend

  • Sarah Uzair

    Sorry to say this, but you sound selfish!
    Whining aint gonna cut it sonny, were you not aware that marriage aint a honeymoon but needs work?

    You did not get the attention? What a pathetic excuse. If you had gotten it, you would have said, she is too clingy.
    Grow up kiddo, and deal with your marriage!
    Also, quit saying the drama was out of control and worthy of being on television. Suck it up,
    Paki men for you!
    Whiny mama’s boys em all!
    Namaz quran parho beta, get off the stupid social media for Christ’s sake! Recommend

  • hina

    Allah ho akber are we a follower of Muhammad Pbuh if some one did this to his sister or daughter what will happen any opinion please let me know . Remember what you sword so shall you reap and Allah is just in every case. You think you left your kids Alhumduillah and your wife how hard for them to survive without her husband and kids without parents like orphan just to please your evil soul you destroy many life .I promise sir you will get punish as per sunnah Ameen. yes your wife was victim. May Allah show the clamity in this world Ameen then people realized how they destroy the life others daughter AmeenRecommend

  • Sarah Uzair

    It is stupid to try justifying marital affairs.Recommend

  • Ali

    Exactly one should spend substantial amount of time together before getting married. but in a arranged marriage set-up leaving / quitting after “spending substantial amount of time together” is no less difficult … Our’s is a kind of society where getting out of a committed relationship (engagement) can bring really bad name to the girl … every one would just wonder that there must be some problem with the Girl……
    Substantial amount of time together can only be in a secret love affair (while u r single) and then, if u have the matched chemistry go for the marriage,… that is the only way out probably… Society make us to get in to sin (affairs and dating and all).
    About the Article ….. I think polygamy should be the solution, like Arabs do… It is permissible obviously … Y do u have to leave ur wife man… she is the mother of your daughters…. u may marry some one else too … while promising to your self that u will make balance between both of your wives… and obviously taking cares of your daughterRecommend

  • Adi Abdurab

    So you demanded love and attention, made alternative arrangements and now want to leave your wife. So you can move on, guilt free.

    What is she supposed to do? Look up another man willing to raise your children while you have your version of happiness?

    Society holds no blame for the mess you are in. You are rallying that people should be more accepting of husbands who abandon their families. No, they shouldn’t.Recommend

  • Visibly

    Here is what wikipedia (based on a book from 2012) says about a narcissists typical traits:

    An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
    Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
    A lack of psychological awareness
    Difficulty with empathy
    Problems distinguishing the self from others
    Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults
    Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
    Haughty body language
    Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
    Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
    Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
    Pretending to be more important than they really are
    Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
    Claiming to be an “expert” at many things
    Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
    Denial of remorse and gratitude
    Recommend

  • afifa

    Wow… u were abt to leave the woman who gave u children…..who sacrificed and spent the most precious years of her life wd u…. a man like u deserves to be left!!! Secondly family is nt a baggage to move wd… Recommend

  • Visibly

    Agree with you! Good that you managed to get it through!Recommend

  • Shaikh

    Love is a very vague term and often confused very easily. A very wise man once gave me a theory which i came to believe was very true. The theory of availability, it states you falls in love with the person available to you. In the authors case in the beginning his wife was the only women available to him giving him time and what ever he desired but when she became busy with life becoming unavailable he sort for the next best thing. He finds a women online her availability felt like love for him. Trust me stick with your wife ask for her time and give her yours you would be just fine.Recommend

  • Mallick Tayyab

    Okay. If it is about leaving before or after falling out for some one, still the case would have been alike. Victim and Guilty tags are reserved. Society in which we breed always has the same POV.
    Sincerity in relationships has to be observed in every aspect, failing is rutheless. Recommend

  • Bill

    I hate family pressures… grow some ***** and leave her. period. Nobody is happy in this situation.

    in West they say: never marry someone you are unsure about.
    here in pak : never make children with the wife you are unsure about.
    Having children makes are situation doubly difficult !Recommend

  • KF

    Preposterous! First of ur wife sacrificed her life to live in urs. She sacrificed her body for ur children. She sacrificed her time to keep u happy while u pretended to “work” for the family! U used ur energy into giving attention to another woman who obviously blindfolded you in love! U used ur money and ur time in vacationing with that woman who did absolutely NOTHinG for u except talking! Ur wife would hav given u that beautiful “bouquet” of memories if u had taken her alone for vacations once without ur daughters. Did u ever plan a date for ur wife who gi es her entire day to raise up ur kids! Did u ever plan to make ur qife happy or give her that teensy bit of atte tion she would hav given you the rest of everythng she has left to u! She is the victim. U cheated thats simple. Its not too late u can still hav the happily ever aftr. Bug u cant simply expect her to do everythng! U should aim . Nd see ur wife as a woman! Not a mother of ur children. See. Go abroaf with her. Spend tine together. Forget wat wrong u did. Give ur daughtrs that time u have to that other woman. U will fi d ur happiness! Marriage is a word for a relationship where there is give and take. If u were not recievi g the love u wanted it means u werent giving it either! Recommend

  • Saad

    The point you raised here about how a woman is ‘always’ portrayed as the victim as opposed to a man is agreeable. This aspect of our society needs to change. But it doesn’t give you the right to use this logic to justify yourself of cheating. Your children proved to be the achilles heel between your seperation, you should have thought about it before involving yourself with another woman. Too early to say about your children but otherwise you ruined your life and the life of 2 other women. And you also ruined a marriage that could have been FIXED.Recommend

  • Zainab Makki

    I see your side and honestly I can bet she isn’t happy either …knowing she was and will be just an option. Love only when given freely is felt deep in your soul…however I have to say that marriages fail coz we our “temp” priorities. ..like very young kids or certain situation in our families take a toll on us females and we can’t give the same attention to our better halves or even our own self like before.
    We know and sense and need! The same love and affection that you see ked outside …it’s jst that we cannot even for a moment think of doing the same.
    All in all try n tk her away from kids and family not for an evening or a day for atleast a week and u will find what made u love her n hv kids with her. Give ur self and her a chance…we females are too strong but deep down we need that hug and intellectual conversation as much as you do.Recommend

  • Ayesha Imran

    I agree to the author’s point,if it is the one he’s trying to make, of neglect that men get in a married relationship that has seen some stretch of time. But that is the only thing I agree on. The sub continental married couples have something that I’d like to call a great communication break down both men and women end up not talking and going separate ways because of egoistical issues. In this case why did the author not talk to his wife about the problems he saw in their relationship? What prevented him in talking to her? Maybe they could’ve worked out their issues fallen in love again and now would’ve had a beautiful family life? What man or woman doesn’t want that? Maybe if we start respecting the commitment that a marriage is work out to building a relationship these cheating heartbreak scenarios would need less common. If talking it out, counselling trying to make it work any other way everything fails then respect each other and go your separate ways. Recommend

  • https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8559594100366660134#allposts Supriya Arcot

    Consequence of #Mychoice …Recommend

  • Asas BiggestFan

    You deserve nothing. I’m sorry. Y.. hell, I pity them. Your wife should have cheated on you.Recommend

  • Asas BiggestFan

    I don’t know why you expect your married life to be perfect. You realise you’re not a teenager but an adult right? You realise this an adult relationship, not dating where you can walk away. I don’t really care if you thought you loved her, you need to grow up and find a proper solution. In what world do you expect that cheating is the best and appropriate way to deal with a failing marriage? I feel like your wife could do much better.Recommend

  • Aqib Ali Khan

    daa… i think thats why Allah said you can marry 4 at a time PROVIDED YOU can be just with them no need for an affair…
    and personally i wished i had a billion girl friends but i have to chose between girl friends and my wife and i will always chose my wife for it is the time spent in hardship that counts not laughter … and she is the queen of my heart and homeRecommend

  • Disturbed

    My father cheated on my mother and brought a step mother at home.. the result was mentally disturbed wife and children, including me. My childhood and my teenage was a disaster because my father was not “happy” with my mom and ended up satisfying his own wishes.
    My father lost his career because he didn’t have peace in his home. His both wives are unhappy and children suffered the most only because a man temporarily lost love from his wife and instead of working on his marriage sought after his own wishes.
    P.s. he is still unhappy…Recommend

  • Rashid Khan

    You sound like a teenage boy who had his
    Fun with his toys & now he wants new ones.
    You don’t sound like father of three daughters. I am quite sure you wouldn’t want your daughters to go through what your wife has to put up with.
    Let me give you a solution.
    If you were unhappy in your marriage, you should have manned up & be upfront with your wife. You should have ended your first relationship before embarking on the next one. But you didn’t. You cheated on your wife & mother of your kids.
    You deserve no sympathy.
    You should be grateful if your wife accepts you back. You should apologise to her & do your best to make it work. Recommend

  • Debonair

    You judgmental people !! My my !! Let’s stick specifically to Paki women….who do not want to contribute to the household and are most interested in keeping their bond strong with the blood family. Her parents siblings and their in-laws. Divorce does not mean a man stops taking care of the family !!!! Divorce is not from the children !! it is a separation from a woman to giver her and him another chance in life !!!Recommend

  • mblue

    Nothing new. In pakistan every 2nd house has the same story….pointless life…faking happily everafter. Lol… welcome to the club ! :DRecommend

  • Zahra Malik

    You shouldn’t have had kids. Wats the point of ruining their future.wat about the wife. As if she is enjoying herself with you, knowing you are not interested in her. Take the responsibility of the kids then. And give her all those years back which she gave you or your unfaithfulness.Recommend

  • Sana Qureshi

    Its men like you that makes me hate all men. You really think not getting attention can even be considered anything close to being a reason? Remember if you werent getting attention she wasnt either! Woman get sucked up with kids and house shit. u said in the begining it was fine but things went down hill later on. Time does that. You just have to be patient. If you had helped her out with the kids she wouldnt need to go to her parents. Women need help taking care of kids etc and most of all they need their partners support. Not their betrayal! Recommend

  • Abeer Pervaiz

    Wow. I am pretty amazed at your thoughts Mr. Author. Firstly, you say you married a woman “you thought you love”. I am betting this was your own decision and no one forced you into this marriage. You supposedly loved this woman at one time but when you got married you found out oh shit! this is serious business. Yes Hello! it’s marriage it is not a gudda guddi ka khel. You start working on your relationship. Secondly, where was the communication between you and your wife? Did you ever tried to talk to her how you felt? Did you had an honest discussion about your feelings? If your wife was closer to her family then did you ever discuss that? A relationship is a two way communication. I am guessing you pretended to be happy and your wife though everything was fine. Maybe if you had discussed with her about how you felt she might had worked on the relationship. Third, you met a woman online which lead to intellectual conversations. I am guessing you are suggesting your wife is incapable of having intellectual conversations. Did you never had any intellectual conversations with her before you got married to her? Did you both ever sit down before your marriage and discussed about life? about important things like marriage? Fourthly, associating your family’s distress as Bollywood dialogue just makes me think that you are living in a Bollywood movie rather than in reality. Fifth, you have the full right to divorce your wife if you want to and if you have the guts to stand up for yourself then no one can stop you from divorcing her so stop blaming others for your own guilt. Sixth, what is the guarantee that if you marry this intellectual woman (who i have no idea how she is intellectual if she is bent on destroying a family by having an affair with a married man) you will be happy? Or do you intend to live a life with no marriage like in the West? No strings attached. Mr. Author wake up and open your eyes to reality. You are not the victim in this story. You made the decisions yourself. No one forced you. No one coerced you. You think love is about having intellectual conversations and spending time in lala land well then you have no idea what friggin love is! Though it would have been amazing if your wife had herself asked for a divorce because it’s not worth living with a cheater for the rest of your life!Recommend

  • Fatima Khalid

    No problem, I totally side with you,
    go marry this girl and then in a few years of marriage when she too starts acting like your wife, find a new one
    The world is full of girls right?Recommend

  • Visibly

    Dear Author: I would like to hear your response to the comments.Recommend

  • Sarah

    So let’s see, you fooled around and cheated on your wife yet you fail to understand why the woman is the victim? That’s a tough one…rocket science or you need a shrink to solve an equation as simple as that. What is wrong with tribune?Recommend

  • Visibly

    Can you advice this guy (the author), that he needs to take responsibility for own actions? And to assure that he still will support his (ex)wife and their children? And most of all, to admit that his actions led to divorce, not hers.Recommend

  • NAZIA

    Clearly a woman gives her man millions of reasons to be faithfull and he picks only one to be unfaithful on the other hand he gives millions of reason to his woman to be unfaithful and she will find only one to stay faithful.
    Recommend

  • tiny

    Sorry illogical…. seprate from your wife… for daughther father is a hero…. bt you have your own life …. enjoy Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    you sir give us men a bad name. Are you a little kid? I mean how selfish of you? You want to destroy one woman’s life at a time and want to continue doing so. What happens when your new wife is not good enough for you, will you be leaving her with three daughters?
    This is marriage we are talking about, which takes a lot of effort to maintain.Recommend

  • Nandita.

    Yes, sincerity in relationships is important. I agree. But everyone is not sincere-the author is an example.
    If people fall out of love, it’s better to separate rather than be miserable togetherRecommend

  • kooks

    You said it! :D a relationship is nevr perfect. It requires work. And ir works becuz both parties decide to make it work. And you cheated. If she made u that unhappy. You should have divorced her. But u chose to divorce her only when u found someone else. What u did was v
    un-manly. Your children will def suffer nad hate u. Couldnt ur love n responsibilty as a as a father be greater than your love for an extra marital relationship. You should have told your wife the area you wanted her to improve on. And nothing you say justfies what u did. Its our society that forces us to be with people like u, coz while u may move on with ur sweetheart. Who will marry her? What was her fault? Her fault was she married a selfish immature man.Recommend

  • jeopardy

    I read somewhere, love is not a feeling but a decision you have to take everyday. You fell out of love because your wife was not giving you the attention, but did you give her the attention she deserved? Did no one ever told you that marital satisfaction dips down after you have kids until they grow up to be independent? Sorry you cannot justify your cheating with this lame excuse. She gave birth to your kids. Being a divorcee without kids, I find it hard to attract a (so called) reasonable man because this is how the guys are groomed (and FYI, i was just in the nikah, no rukhsati yet, still I am not brand new). I strongly recommend marriage counseling or at least psychological counseling for yourself.Recommend

  • Abubakar Gill

    Agreed(Y)Recommend

  • Abubakar Gill

    This implies she had 4 kids instead of 3 given the fact third requiring the most attention. May be if you have given sometime to your kids and family instead of travelling around, the scenario would have been different, nevertheless its the attitude which requires changing because the fragrance of that new bouquet would have faded after sometime.Recommend

  • Abdus Salam

    Dude, dude! Are you for serious? Why get into a marriage in the first place when you are okay with having extra marital affairs and couldn’t bear the responsibility of bringing up your children? Marriage is about comprising and love, embracing each others’ flaws, and you are doing justice to it!Recommend

  • ranjit

    As a muslim, you have the choice to get a second wife. So what is the problem? Just get married to the second woman and everyone will be happyRecommend

  • Parvez

    Sorry buddy but you came across as…..all wrong and quite full of yourself.Recommend

  • Morally bankrupt

    Dude, what you did here is trying to seek social forgiveness for the act which you know wouldn’t be socially accepted. Society has wrapped itself in a safe cocoon of prescribed morality and strangely so rigid on it that they forget the emotional factors which drives human to act. The idea of being human is long forgotten, being individual is just an act. If you are not in line like others you will be despised, hated, cursed and doomed by the society for being different. And to top that they will love to add to your burden the huge pile of guilt and shame.
    Society was formed to help each other. But somewhere down the line they became the judge, jury and executioner. They follow a rule book. And will pick circumstantial evidences to support their claim. They don’t have will neither courage to think beyond those rule book. Some of them are rigid others are too scared to think beyond the boundaries set by the society.
    What you did in your life and for your situation is yours to handle. Don’t let world tell you what to do. Most of the people are sheer hypocrites. When it comes to them they will drop their morality and come up with a smarter reason to defend it. Morality has become a tool in hands of society purely to shame someone.
    That said, I do not support nor condemn you for your act. Cause I have no right and should have no right to condemn or forgive you. The only people in this case who can forgive you is your wife, kids, and most importantly yourself.
    What I can only suggest is that you man up and choose a path and stick to it. People love to play safe in life, but you decided to walk into storm, so at least stick by your choice and move forwarded, the storm will pass if you do not let it destroy you first.
    My sympathy with your family ( which includes you). Good luck.Recommend

  • Visibly

    Neglect… by the wife, following three daughters that she looks after??
    Who has neglected in this instance?
    This man needs to understand that he has not followed family and duties but preferred to follow his vices. Fine, we can understand. But he should not ask for our approval. If he wants our approval, he needs to show us that he is responsible, taking care of his (ex)wife and daughters.Recommend

  • anonymous

    I am sorry but you are not a feminist. You should understand that your wife is also giving up on herself a lot to raise your children. If you were a real feminist you would have understood her. Be a man and make those people your family. If she doesn’t give attention then you try giving her.Recommend

  • Custard_Pie_In_Your_Face

    First of all, you can make all the excuses you like but if you are truly unhappy in a marriage, having an affair and then projecting your guilt onto your spouse really isn’t the way to go. The honourable and decent thing to do is have an honest discussion with your partner and at least give your marriage a fighting chance, not sneak around behind your wifes back.

    Secondly, you are right. There is a double standard. If a woman had done what you had, and had written this blog there’d be a deluge of comments mildly chastising her for having an affair while sympathising with her plight. They’d tell her she’s entitled to be in a relationship that makes her happy.

    Since you’re a man though, they’ll be unloading all over the comments section like seagulls over a newly waxed car.

    Having said that if your wife is unable to forgive you and instead use it as a stick to beat you over the head for the rest of your married life, you don’t really have the essentials of a healthy relationship there. I’ve never really understood the thinking behind one spouse forcing the other to stay in the relationship when it’s obvious they’d rather be with someone else.

    Sounds to me like you deserve each other, meanwhile it’s the children who suffer.Recommend

  • amna

    Wow.. Just Curious u think u came.out of the closest should u be appreciated for Ur new found happiness..
    Just a reminder.. The wife.. With out the kids n household chores and responsibilities all the while u r away is the only reason for her diverted attention..
    Bravo to her to keeping it all together while u r mostly away..
    And to top it off u have the freedom of time and responsibilities that u had the circumstances of a fling and continue it…
    For gods sake.. Try giving her a day off once a week..
    Then see what a beautiful n better person she becomes..
    Travel with her..
    She will b better than ten million girlfriends u could ever come across..
    Recommend

  • Arman Zain

    When there is male and female interaction, things happen regardless if you are married or not. In case such as above Second marriage is a valid option for muslim rather than keeping up with extra marital affair.Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    This guy CHEATED on his wife, who has three daughters. What do you mean by “without expecting any thing in return”. He did not even give his wife what she needed most and still she stays with him, he got everything in return for nothing. Divorce is not a taboo for men, they do it all the time, but people like this writer should realize that women are not playthings that you marry, use, abuse and then throw away.Recommend

  • asad

    That’s why I don’t get married. No marriage, no extra marriatal affairs…just affairs.Recommend

  • Drusilla Richards

    Totally agree with you…Recommend

  • Umar

    Take it easyRecommend

  • Imran

    I agree to the author. Women loves to enjoy the title victim. If someone thinks he/she can’t live together anymore its their right to be separated. His wife left her family, gave birth to three daughters and taking care of them are foolish comments. If she did all this, author is also living abroad for over 10 years under very harsh conditions, far from family and earning money for his wife and children. Point to be discussion should be what will happen with his first wife and three daughters after divorce? To tackle this type of situation, I always promote self-reliance concept for both men and women. Women should earn for themselves, why do they depend on males even to buy one cup of coffee? Bollywood drama scene wouldn’t created if his wife would self-empowered and the responsibility of children then can be shared depending upon available choices.Recommend

  • Jagmohan Trivedi

    The case presented by the author is simply he wants to enjoy the company of
    another woman,since he is a man of means,travelling job for months together.
    He is self centered one,the wife after giving birth to three children is not good
    enough for him,woman’s attention divided in between and luckily he got entangled
    with one young lady,capable of meeting his intellectual requirements in addition
    to sexual bliss.But the tragedy of cheating on his wife is greater one as she is
    real victim,has to look after three children,facing long term separation and
    absence of love on his return.Though,being a muslim,he can marry his new
    sweet heart too,but to keep two wives in modern times is not a joke and even
    if done,can’t satisfy his selfish ends.Even divorce does not seem a long term
    solution,a travelling person with ‘Dil Phek Mind’ may find another fresh more
    befitting sweet heart,and the same situation returns.For a man like him the
    only solution is keep on cheating wife and also new sweet hearts as long as
    you can manage.But this solution will always be disparaged by the society.Recommend

  • Aishaaaa

    It’s better to do things in an appropriate manner. Taking a divorce and then hooking up with someone, for instanceRecommend

  • Mahrukh Husain Farooq

    Though there is absolutely no excuse or justification for what you did, I still understand your sentiments. Human nature is a very fickle thing; it is constant need of love and attention and it refuses to acknowledge other factors that may have an influence. Still, instead of getting involved in an affair, you should have sat down with your wife and talked to her about it. She probably had no idea that you were feeling left out or unloved; that’s the thing with marriages, one gets so caught up in responsibilities involving home and family that most things, such as the couple itself, are left in the background. What you did was still wrong; you didn’t even give your wife the chance to explain herself. You could’ve gone to a marriage counselor and sorted things out. Instead, you a path that is bound to create havoc in your relationship. I hope, for your sake as well as your children’s sake, things are sorted out with you.Recommend

  • hp kumar

    All i can see hypocrisy of pakistani muslims in the comment section ..Amir khan,saif ali khan,Imtiaz ali etc did similar thing with their Hindu wives ..I have seen lots of praise for saif ali khan after his marriage with kareena in pakistani media. can anyone explain reason behind difference in this attitude?Recommend

  • Joana Sahiba

    If love is no more then call it quits …only if you have tried every
    thing to save the marriage…I keep telling that 25 years is to young to marry. People are talking about love as if it were a piece of candy. It is not. Affection isn’t it either.Recommend

  • Allahu Akbork

    Just get two wivesRecommend

  • Ayesha Imran

    I said that from experience it happens that both husband and wife get settled in the everyday life responsibilities. My husband and i we talk to each other to know where we lack we make time for one another and ours is an arranged marriage. Wives do end up cheating as well if their husbands do not give them their attention and time. The reason is more or less same for the husbands who cheat. I agree with you on the fact that the author needs to own up to his actions and what are his issues they are his own and self created. To involve a social opinion through an article like this just goes to show there is still a boy in the guise of a man.Recommend

  • Saadia Aamir

    She could have been intellectual too if she had those luxuries to travel with you and experience cultures, books, languages, societies but sadly women are meant to give away their personalities… Rather trade them off with bringing up kids and making a perfect marriage. Intelligence and intellect burns in family ki fikar and the dawats ki fikar and its often not by choice.Recommend

  • Tt

    If things weren’t working out with your wife you should had divorced her first instead of having an affair behind her back. Cheating is wrong no matter what and considering you had 3 children just imagine what affect would it have on them.Recommend

  • Tt

    If things weren’t working out with your wife you should had divorced her first instead of having an affair behind her back. Cheating is wrong no matter what and considering you had 3 children just imagine what affect would it have on them.Recommend

  • Muhammad Akbar

    @Madotlive
    Its like door ky dhol suhany. You have had that relation enjoyable because both of you (your other romancer) had no responsibilities. You were enjoying because you had limited times together, life is not enjoyment, things change in the longer run. You should learn about marriages especialy from those who are married for about 15-20years or more. You would know that you have to make sacrifices in marital relations.
    I would suggest that you marry and have two wives (only if you would be able to give them their rights and do justice to them). Women are weak and you as a Man should not try to abandon her just like that. If you are not satisfied marry again but dont leave her. She wasted her young body, life and beauty on you and you act as you dont care.
    You should have spent time with your wife. You could adjust your outings and should have given priority to your wife instead of money. I mean you could try to take less outing jobs or You could try to take your wife with you every now and then.Recommend

  • Milind A

    “I fail to understand why women are often portrayed as ‘the victim’ in
    a failing relationship and the men as ‘unjust’. Why are women projected
    as the weaker link when there is much ado about women’s rights and
    freedom?”

    That’s because this is a patriachal culture and society is loaded in favour of men and unjust towards women. Thus its normal human behaviour to empathize with the underdog, repressed… You cannot have your cake and eat it… If you get the benefits of this patriachal society, lump the blame as well…

    The much ado about women’s rights is mostly on paper in our societies…rarely does the poor or common women experience the rights and freedom…

    “My wife used every trick she could pull from the hat.”
    Unfortunately, a woman is stuck with her guy for her life, in this part of the world. Her stakes are very high in the ‘game’…Recommend

  • Qurat Ul Ain Ashraf

    Seriously Ooooh! Instead of finding an easy escapism from your boring life n trying new fragrance u should have looked for d possibilities to mend what u had previously. Girls when get married give up everything for d sake of the children n engrossed in toto for their up bringing. Though ur helping hand needed for children seems didnt play much role as u wr engaged wd ur extensive travelling, your wife was playing her part honestly without cheating on u n yes, husbands usually get out of the picture and are neglected when wives get promoted to the status of mother but its solution is not d one u tried finding it. Communication is v imp when before even marriage couples can talk for hours n never ending hours and share all d feelings n emotions they feel then y not when its dire need for sustaining a relatinship for d entire life. U shudve made her realise what u wanted of her rather
    hooking up.Afterall ur d father of three daughters just imagine if someone treated ur princess exactly like u did with their mother?
    Realtionships are hard to make but easy to break… where others were supporting her wd everything in
    ur absence then definitely she owed them…if u really wanted ur wife u should ve looked what was
    keeping her away from u nd made urself available
    for her .. then nothing could ve gone wrong … try
    taking first stance in giving sth rather than asking from others. if we do so, world is ours eventually… bt cheating is cheating cant be drapped wd any excuse.Recommend

  • Anonymouse

    It is sad to see such hate being poured on a person whom you have never met, have no idea of his life, what he has been through or what the whole story is. While I agree, there is no justification for a person who cheats, hating someone and passing blind judgement is not what a society is supposed to do. It is obvious the author of this blog cannot even begin to describe what he has gone through in one article. How easy it is for people to claim that he did not love his family, the only thing he is trying to teach all of us is that before a marriage reaches that point, divorce is something that should not be disregarded. Adultery and cheating aside, I have seen enough people (men and women both) who are scared to divorce each other because of fear of societal, religious or some other nonsensical repercussions. I agree with the author, divorce should not be so discounted so easily.Recommend

  • shafaq

    This is the more stupidist decision ur wife and every other woman takes! What if the woman cheated. Recommend

  • Amk

    Brilliant sirRecommend

  • pickaname

    lol. nothing surprising the same rotten rules have been showered on the writer. I sympathize with the guy. If he cannot leave his first wife and start a new one, he deserves this life of compromise that sucks. In south asia we give too much attention to SHAADI.. it is not the end of the world . you can try making it work but if it does nt or you fall out of love there is no need to drag it. South asians love hurling accusations ,sympathizing with one and demonizing the other. huh. grow upRecommend

  • Utopion

    yawn. yawn. what a lecture. humans change and sometimes this can cause ‘inconvenience’ her wife should have left him on the spot but the MAHAAN woman won’t budge. how typical. this guy did something wrong. he owns it.. does not even regret. let him be..Recommend

  • abhi

    What you wrote is actually a very one sided version. If you seek an undivided attention from a mother of 3 daughters, it is your mistake. If you really needed that kind of attention, you should have planned the familty accordingly. Why don’t you take one of your daughters in your gateaway with your new love and see how things work out? Putting all the responsibilities of kids on your wife and roaming around free to have “intelectual” conversation with another lady is not fair.Recommend

  • Tayyab

    Matters of heart don’t follow the precedence relationships i guess, they are spontaneous and beyond control at times.
    I ain’t judging anybody here but what’s the point to hook up in what so ever manner, if the outcome has to be the same. Does it really matter then !!Recommend

  • shah

    women is portrayed weak for a reason she is the one leaving her family and starting a new life with you, yet you said that you gave her everything for three years, my friend in a life time relationship as this 3-4 years its barely out its diapers .
    I think you needed to be strong your job requires travelling meaning she was there you were not, and secondly marriage is also supposed to be built on loyalty i should not say this but no offense what if it was the other way around put your self in her shoes and think.

    thats all hope you find the bliss in your marriage life that you are aching forRecommend

  • a daughter

    I read this article and it bought overflowing tears to my eyes, you know why? well because i have been in your situation, I have lived the life you are living! you still seem a few years into this situation while I was raised in it! I am one such daughter of one such family and I am now in my mid twenties.
    While I am still single, I do know marriage (happy or unhappy) is a two way street, if you were out of love so was your wife, you both are equally attention deprived! honestly i don’t give a crap about the spouses in this situation as you both lack communication skills and humanity that gets you here anyways. you both are equal victims and criminals.
    about the daughters…well you can continue like this, trust me it is only a matter of time that you will fall in love the third time and maybe a couple more times (i have seen it happen), because you are not attracted to your wife you will continue to seek attention elsewhere, and also trust me on this that your wife will do the same( i have seen that happen too) and your daughters, well they will not give you or your wife the pure love they once used to because they will not believe in love. they will not trust men. they will doubt themselves and their role as women. they will not give or want attraction.
    All is not lost still! really! repent like you never have, make astaghfar, do umrah with your family. while you work at a consulting firm and live abroad you dont seem to have a focus and direction in life. bring that direction! ponder over the purpose of life. Go volunteer at a women and childrens shelter and you will realize the blessing you have and that if you are a blessing or a curse for your family and if your wife and daughters are a blessing or curse for you! please mister you will not be able to love or live in peace with three damaged mind and hearts. I dont want to taunt you or send you into depression because i really dont care about you, i care for your daughters ( to the point where i sort of wish they were born to a different set of parents). Direct your love, time, intellect,money, memories, trips, towards them and towards religion,learn about good women and good men in islam. teach your daughters too! or else your daughter will be the single, divorced, cheated or cheater! since this is what she will see and learn.
    Much love, prayers and hugs for your daughters only. I wish your family and my family and all our families, faith, hidayah, jannat wali zindagi and jannat wali akhirat.Recommend

  • Aro

    You married a woman you thought you loved at the time? That implies a love marriage . women become that way after having children. Its a phase and it passes. all parents go through it. You could have an intellectual deep discussion with any unbound, no strings attached yet women. Would you fall in love every time?

    My advice author, is that you need to learn more about yourself. Recommend

  • hopeful

    it will rain and clear out one day, just make an effort and forgive.
    work to add the qualities in your wife and appreciate her present qualities.
    if you want her to be more intellectual let her work/take college courses/participate in social and community learning events. reignite the spark!Recommend

  • Cyma Ashraf

    very few things make me speechless- you just did it with your sob story! so here is the thing- i get that people should not stay in relationships or situations that make them unhappy – but the real question here is did you ever try sorting it- ever? nothing is perfect, two people together make things work! and about flirting around and cheating … what a coward you are to stab the woman who trusted you with a knife in her back! I hope she someday gets the courage to leave you – she certainly deserves better ! oh and good luck figuring out love and happiness !Recommend

  • Hassan Askari

    The sad truth is that we donot realise how wholesome a relationship should be,the ideal relationship should be intellectually,emotionally n physically exciting and satisfying for both the partners,people start looking outside a relationship when it lacks or falls short on any one aspect.
    I would say no one can condone the act of cheating,on your spouse,but the fact remains that both partners have to understand and adjust to the changing challenges in life,for the lady she has to understand the socio -economic pressures a man faces while he struggles n works hard to earn the bread n butter for the family,and the support he seeks n needs from his partner,similarly the man has to understand the adjust to the pressures the lady faces as the family n kids grow.
    Although many would find it a very simple view of a very complex relationship,but after being married happily for almost 20 years i think it is all about mutual adjustment and the comittment from both the partners to keep the relationship alive n excitingRecommend

  • Aman S Tazeen

    The article made me feel so disgusted on so many levels. I am sorry I dont empathize with your story here. I still believe women are the victim in majority cases and same goes for this one. She could have had an affair but I am very much sure U would have left her but she didnt for the sake of your kids. If male counterparts can’t take care of the responsibility as basic as kids what else can be expected of them. They are your kids and for their sake at least U shouldn’t have done something so gruesome and so immoral. While men have many reasons to cheat did you ever stopped for a minute and figured why your wife was distant from you did you ever try to talk to her about it. Yes people in our bloody society husbands do wrong wife’s are pushed away no communication takes place and men get easy way out to explain and reason their cheat. Did you try to fix things with your wife? If not for her but for the same of your kids. What if your wife had done something of the soft would U have for the sake of your kids if nothing at all otherwise. So a very pathetic explanation that she cared for others more. Secondly what after divorce and getting married to this new girl you had fallen out of love with her too , would you have gone for third and then forth perhaps? So be sensible and logical when you try to reason your wrong. Falling in love is easy but keeping up with it and loving someone is hard. When after a time everything becomes a compulsion and responsibility. When things as mere as physical coitus becomes a duty rather than a way to express love. So not everyone can love. Cheat is a easy way out for everyone. If I meet someone new he/she would obviously be nicer than my own spouse. Aren’t we all to conceal our true selves. And I was rather amazed at the girl who agreed to fall in love with a married man with three kids. U not only spoiled your own respect in your own eyes but corrupted your image for your daughters. U. So certainly you are not a victim and this article makes me feel rather sick of you flaunting about your false misery. Recommend

  • Aman S Tazeen

    And as per Islam and if you are a Muslim please know this every guy. Second marriage is indeed allowed in Islam but not after leaving someone who hasn’t cheated or done any wrong. And marry only if you can take care of both equally. Further more no casual flirt or serious flirt isn’t good in ant way and there is no reasonable explanation or justification to it. It may be to some degree a preceding to zine. People strive to work out their marriages not fall in love with others to prove a point they were compelled to do so. Communication is a key to any relation. Recommend

  • equality

    if a woman cheated well id blame her, and consider the man a victim in such a scenario. the cheater is blamed and the cheated is the victim, regardless of gender i’d say!
    let your wife cheat on you then trust me everyone will consider you the weaker link/sympathize/cry/whine with you.Recommend

  • Ajay Mittal

    It is not easy to do what you say. Relations develop spontaneously. They are not planned. Spouses get disillusioned when they learn more about their partners what they didnt know before. As someone side, marriage is a 2 way effort and needs work. It seems his wife was comfortable with just a few routines and nothing more…..the most common problem is taking your other spouse for granted.

    Is it easy to divorce when children are involved? Children come fairly quickly in life in our culture. Why do women use children against their husbands and why do they delay divorces to make husbands suffer?Recommend

  • Faisal Taimoor Khan

    You should have thought about love before having 3 kids, having three kids your wife cannot give attention to you and to herself in the same way as she was able to when you were just single.Recommend

  • Noman Ansari

    Brilliant.Recommend

  • Syeda

    Marriage is a lifetime commitment and there might be situations where one partner might feel neglected from his/her significant other.
    But instead of considering it an end, you should think outside the box and try and re-ignite the old flame that you both had. Obviously, after you have kids your responsibilities keep multiplying, which does not necessarily mean that love has faded away.
    Look at how much you have put in, and if you really feel ignored, the first and best solution is to talk it out OPENLY with your husband/wife. Let him/her know how you feel. Offer to make plans together in order to give your love a boost. Then see if your partner is also willing to go that extra mile and change their attitude.
    If still he or she does not seem interested, then and only then you might consider calling it ends and look elsewhere. But that should be the last resort. Cheating is in no way accepted.Recommend

  • Khushbakht Vaka

    How typical! I don’t think it is your wife playing the victim here. It is you. How convenient it is for you to blame your wife for your illicit relationship! She devoted her life to you and your kids, and you cheat on her, and have the audacity to blame it on her. That is tasteless indeed! Women and men age differently. While a man stays desirable to women even in his 40s, women usually remain desirable for men till their mid-thirties. I find it disgusting when men cheat on their wives who gave them the best years of their life. I wish your wife had not pleaded in front of you. She deserves someone better. I would have kicked out such a man out of my life.Recommend

  • Ali Shah

    Marriage is living together happily.This problem arose because he did not take his family abroad to live together.When you have kids then thinking of divorce is very disastrous for the reason that it is going to have psychological problems for the kids.Why these angels should suffer mentally and have life full of pains for no fault on their part.It is responsibility of both husband and wife to create an happy environment at home and in life.Those going abroad for permanent settlement and livelihood should take their families with them otherwise stay in their own country.Leaving family behind is against the spirit of Islam and bound to create problems.In some cases it can happen otherwise also. A left behind spouse may be trapped for extra-marital relations even by the close relatives. Living together is the only solution.In case of some problem ,go for marriage counselling by a psychiatrist.Recommend

  • EnnShah

    Unfortunately situations like these are simply not that black and white where one can blindly pound on the one violating the nuptial union. There are always reasons and sometimes those reasons go beyond the understanding of those at a formal / informal jury due to lack of intellectual capacity.That being said, cheating is wrong and if given the opportunity you should just break the union. You have three daughters (MA) the sacrifice of faking a “happily ever after” would definitely pay off once you’re at the point in your life when you feel the fire is over.Recommend

  • observer

    If you are a Muslim, it is very easy. You have two choices. One, you can just do the triple talaq and get rid of your wife. Second, you can marry your mistress as the second wife.Recommend

  • ajeet

    So you didn’t love her, but had three children?Recommend

  • Jahan

    I have read few of the comments below and realize we shouldn’t be judgemental. Whatever he did in the above story was giving him happiness. Arrange marriages are good to breed more kids but not for happiness. Recommend