I did not ‘choose’ to be gay

Published: March 20, 2015
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My homosexuality is an intrinsic part of my life, it’s as inseparable to me as is your heterosexuality, the only difference is – I have to hide it from everyone. PHOTO: Galleryhip.com

They say I am a sinner and I will forever burn in inferno. I say, I am in hell right now and any inferno will be far comforting than the hate and fear that I experience right now, living in this world.

You see, I am a gay man. But is this word enough to describe me? There are many facets of my life. I am 22-years-old and a geography geek who has an affinity for learning about different cultures of the world. My friends call me Wikipedia (I’m not proud of this name though). But my homosexuality gives me a hard time living ‘normally’.

My parents are one of those typical Sub-continental parents who have sacrificed their happiness to provide for their children. They have worked hard to give me a life of plenty. I remember, as a kid, my father riding our scooter with my mother sitting at the back, my younger brother in her lap and I standing in front of my father’s seat, while my father would juggle around my head to get a clear view of the road. With parents like that, you would want to make them proud of you in any way possible.

But God had something else in store for me.

Why did I find my male Math’s teacher more attractive than my female chemistry teacher about whom every boy in the class was talking? I’d just nod my head during their conversation wondering why I didn’t feel the same way.

Boys would look at girls and girls would blush. Why did it not make any sense to me? Why could I not relate to it?

With time I understood what I was and, believe me, I hated myself to the core. I tried imagining being sexually intimate with the most beautiful girl in the class but then I felt a strange uneasiness which wouldn’t go until I removed that thought from my head or imagined myself with another guy.

Now when I think about my parents, I feel guilt, shame, anger and fear, all at the same time. I can’t look my parents in the eye because I feel I am not enough of a son to them. All the things that I have strived for, in my life, to make them proud of me, will all go in vain because they will hate me when the truth comes out. I’ll shame them in society.

I don’t fear how my homosexuality is going to affect me; it’s how it will affect my parents that frightens me the most.

I fear that when the truth comes out, my employer will fire me, my landlord will throw me out.

And so, I choose to remain in the closet, fiercely burying my sexuality deep within myself, covering it with a smile on my face but crying at the core of my heart. It breaks me from within every day, with every breath that I take. I feel hollow. I want to share my feelings with someone who is willing to hear me, but is there anyone I can trust?

I cry in loneliness. Depression is like my shadow, it follows me where ever I go.

My homosexuality is an intrinsic part of my life, it’s as inseparable to me as is your heterosexuality, the only difference is – I have to hide it from everyone. Mine is a lifelong training program. Don’t look at that man for too long and try looking at that girl a little longer. Don’t forget to tell your friends how beautiful and sexy the girl who just passed by you was.

They ask how a man can love another man when you have so many beautiful women available. Women are beautiful, no doubt. In fact, I feel they are the best creation of God and I respect them a lot. But I’m a person who visits a garden, admires the flowers and then moves on without plucking them. However inappropriate that sentence may seem to be, this is the way I feel about women.

To those who say I chose to be gay, I ask them why I would choose to lead such a harsh life where my future looks nothing but bleak, especially when I could just ‘choose’ to be straight instead?

Put hate aside and try to empathise with me for one second. Just once.

To those who say I should change my sexual orientation, I ask them to try not be attracted to the opposite gender and see how much you can succeed.

Please break yourself from the gay stereotype; we are as ‘normal’ behaving as any heterosexual person can be. We are not a hate material or a laughing stock – we are as human as you!

I want this platform to be an outlet for you to communicate with me, a homosexual, and to do away with all the prejudice that you have about me. I may be gay, but that is not all that I am.

Anonymous 9

Anonymous 9

The writer wishes to remain anonymous.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • MA

    Don’t bring God into this discussion. God prohibited this for mankind and He actually destroyed a whole generation of people because of their choice. SO please, do not say that God had this in your life. This is purely a Human’s choice in life and learn to live with it. Hide or in the open. That is your choice for choosing this gross way of love.Recommend

  • Ali

    I can understand your feeling dear don’t be upset We are equal but people don’t react with us equally I am with you I am also belong to Asia where there is not a freedom of Sex to us.. I feel proud to be Gay… World moving towards some thing different and we are different from others it means we are precious than others :)Recommend

  • Zulqarnain Abbas

    Please clarify that are you a muslim or not ?Recommend

  • honey

    This so-called “open-mindedness” is in fact the actual Ignorance. People are supporting you here by appreciating you as you are, which i don’t think is the best way to deal with it. The social issues will continue only in this life, but your beliefs and deeds will be the rewarding/punishment factors in the unending life after death. If you say that your feeling is something natural (i.e. not choice), then there must be a guidance in God’s religion to deal with it (if you don’t believe this, then there is no point of this discussion though and this would mean there are bigger issues than just homosexuality that you need to deal with). I think you need an effective moral advice from someone who is himself/herself morally & reliogiously sound and understands your situation, and instead of confronting you, can direct you in right direction. May God help you realise that blaming nature wouldn’t solve this matter.Recommend

  • Anonymous77

    wow saad, just wow, what is the definition of a SIN? a Sin is such a task that in one way or the other gives some sort of discomfort to someone else, or to the person himself. having a different sexual orientation is not a sin, nor is practicing life according to it , because no one is getting hurt in the process. thus it wont affect anyone’s akhirah. what would affect akhirah is pressurizing someone to lead a different life by force and by showing them fear of the unknown. So , it’ll probably be you who will end up in HELL for doing this.Recommend

  • shawana

    one of the best article i would say..it takes hell alot of courage to talk this way. you are a person with the greatest strength and its your life whether you choose to be homo or hetro . stay blessesRecommend

  • ahmed

    this is not natural.. Allah has forbidden this altogether..it should be managed psychologically… it can be a test from Allah..but you cannot say that you are created this way and you cannot do anything about it..and this is Haraam.. please consider thatRecommend

  • Fatimah

    Homosexuality is partly genetic Kiran – Please do some research upon it.

    Stay strong Anonymous 9 !!Recommend

  • amjad

    Where are we going? Sure path of hell!Recommend

  • amjad

    Do we know what 1st caliph of Islam did to man who was gay? Have we ever tried to study our true culture? Only running after west/lust/wealthRecommend

  • Voodoo

    If you think being gay in Pakistan is difficult, try being a gay woman.. and to make it more twisted, one who’s engaged to be married. Coming out is just not an option as it would kill my parents, after they’ve understood what am on about i.e. because while Pakistanis are becoming increasingly aware of the existence of gay men, gay woman is completely unknown!

    Like you, I’ve trained myself to not admire females openly.. took a lot of practice though.. remember having a first female crush aged 12 and talking about it to my two “best friends”.. although I didn’t say what it really was, they thought my obsession with her was strange so I toned it down. Then came a stronger attraction at 15 that was harder to control and got caught, nearly – so I had to create a fake rivalry with this girl to suppress the whole attraction story and it worked a treat cause she was pretty aggressive herself, it was a terrible waste of time and energy though and I hit rock bottom academically that year due to lack of concentration and interest and have never quite recovered. After that, I just learnt my lesson and never expressed it openly.

    I did (not sure if I can call it falling in love) fall for my best friend at 17 and that went on for about 4 years even though she’d gotten married and produced a baby – I hid it quite well though, I hope. We’re still good friends – but I try to avoid her otherwise the whole attraction thing gets in the way.

    I’ve lived outside Pakistan for nearly 7 years now – have a career that isn’t great but I am independent, but just didn’t have the guts to tell the family to mind their own business so I’ve kept my identity under wraps in spite of being in a liberal society – word travels fast with social media and whatnot these days. And in the end the pressure got too much and I gave in at a difficult time last year by saying yes to this engagement – double whammy cause gay or not, I never liked that man in the first place. Anyway, we’re supposed to get married this December and I don’t know what to do – our relationship is already pretty bad and I suspect my sexual orientation and dislike for him has a strong role to play because in spite of all his faults I see him making an effort and I just cannot make myself do the same.

    I wish it wasn’t so difficult. I don’t even want to be with another woman because of the social taboos attached with it. And even though I am a believer am not religious enough to understand the interpretation of the scriptures so I go with the popular opinion that we’re transgressors who will face hellfire for an eternity – don’t want to sign up for that but a part of me says Allah can’t be that harsh cause its not like we choose to be like this. I would want nothing more than to fall for a man and have a marriage and kids like the rest of my friends but I just cannot. The idea is unnatural to me.

    Anyway, quite a load of drivel but having read your piece I felt I had to take it out. Its been in me for far too long. I hope you will find comfort in the knowledge that at least you’re not alone in this :)Recommend

  • Ashfaq Rehman

    This writing is nothing but an excuse. If you would really try for it, you can change. First of all you have to change your community. I know a homo who has changed after 35, is living a happy life with family.
    Moreover tribune may either remove the word Islamic from name of Pakistan in constitution, or otherwise stop publishing such blogs.Recommend

  • M

    Stay strong. I know homosexuality is extremely controversial in our society, but I also believe it is not a personal choice to make.Recommend

  • Athiest007

    if Allah didn’t want him to have an intimate relation with a man why did he create him that way? Sex is an instinct he can’t refrain from it forever and being gay is not a choice if you think it is go ahead and try it and let me know how it feelsRecommend

  • Athiest007

    if being gay is “not natural” then why do you think we observe homosexuality in other animals as well? It’s sure as shit not a condition it’s who you are! And can you get attracted to a girl in a sexual way? if no then same is the case with this guyRecommend

  • Omer

    While addressing the people of Lut who were indulged in homosexuality the Quran says,

    “Of all the creatures in the world, will ye approach males, And leave those whom Allah has created for you to be your mates? Nay, ye are a people transgressing (all limits)!”
    -Surah ash shuara

    Indeed Islam forbids homosexuality. The fate of the nation as described in the Quran is that the whole nation was wiped out.

    “The people of Lut rejected (his) warning. We sent against them a violent Tornado with showers of stones, (which destroyed them)”
    -Surah Al QamarRecommend

  • Sadia Saba

    Created sick, commanded to be well. Hitchens.
    There is nothing wrong with you, the problem lies with ignorant fools whose worldview is shaped by mythologies than science.Recommend

  • SamSal

    Please tell us which scientist has found ‘cure’ of this?!
    You should seek help. If you can’t support, please dont hate. You are no one to tell anyone about right or wrong paths!Recommend

  • SamSal

    let people live!Recommend

  • AIS

    You are symbol of strength. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I empathise and support how strong you are for expressing yourself and your thoughts. Its about time people break through the molds of cultural stimags and accept people for who they are. Live and let live Recommend

  • Anonymous 2

    I can relate to you 100%. I’m a girl going through the same exact struggle. I feel like you wrote this on my behalf. Maybe we can be friends?Recommend

  • wb

    So, it’s a corruption of mind according to you. Sexuality is a corruption of mind.

    Alright. I’ll agree with you for the sake of the argument.(I think you’ve been watching Zakir Naik too much)

    Now, here’s the question:

    Corruption is bad for a country. Corruption corrodes an economy. It takes away a man’s self respect. If you go to a government office and he asks for a bribe, the corruption is harming you.

    But, how’s one person’s bedroom activity with a consensual adult harming you? How’s it your problem? Why should you worry?

    Are you going to say because Quran says so.

    Then Quran also says that there’s no compulsion in religion. If this man doesn’t want that aspect of religion to be applied to him, then it’s his choice. Who are you or your Mullah or your government to punish him?

    Also, Quran asks you to not judge others. So, who are you to judge him to be wrong or right. If he chooses to commit sin and go to hell, that is between him and Allah.

    It is not the business of you or your mullah or your government.Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/NoumanNazim Nouman Nazim

    While crying for your rights you are depriving the rights of your parents who gave birth to a son. Islam has clearly defined our limits and we are not supposed to challenge those. All of our knowledge is useless if we don’t know about our religion OR can’t differentiate between right and wrong. And trust me, you always have a choice. I highly suggest you to pray five times a day and you will surely see the change. You are lost nothing else.

    I feel pity on all those who are appreciating or motivating you. They will surely kill their brother or sister if he/she does so.Recommend

  • HS

    I understand and feel sorry for you and being a brother in Islam I strongly hope and pray that you don’t indulge in homosexual activities. Although I am no scholar, but as far as I know, Islam does not hate homosexuals, but it does condemn homosexual activities. These acts are what will attract the wrath of The Creator. Stay strong and I pray you have the power to avoid any condemnable actions.Recommend

  • wb

    why don’t you just let Allah decide what punishment to give to this man and how about you stop advising him on what Allah wants?

    Maybe he knows more about Allah than you do. Is it your business what he wants? No. Does he go to hell for this ? Let him to go hell. What is your problem?Recommend

  • wb

    Fearing god is his business. Has Allah appointed you to instill fear in his heart? If not, why not talk sense, instead of talking about god.

    For all we know, the blogger knows more about Allah than you do. Talk about your law and not god’s law. God will talk about his law.Recommend

  • wb

    In fact, every man is born bisexual.Recommend

  • Faizan

    Bro move out of this country than, you don’t know when any one will throw you from a roof top.Recommend

  • Am

    I can totally relate. I am female and bisexual. Maybe, a few hundred years later, society will accept us?Recommend

  • Gul Zaman Ghorgasht

    .There is a lot of hate and poison in you.
    Against Islam. Let all the 3679 hindu deities decide what to do with your condition. Do not worry about others. Just do a puja.
    Just preach your sermon in Banaras. Maharaj will help you.Recommend

  • Anonymous 8

    Thank you for posting this. I cant make up my mind on this, but I feel that some parts of Islam make men gay… dont look at women with bad intentions, dont think about women in sexual way… after prohibiting all that… where do you expect all that sexual energy to go… all a practicing muslim man can do is look at other men. and then all of sudden near marriage-they expect men to like, love, marry and satisfy women?! what?! why?!Recommend

  • wb

    What rights do parents have over his son? Parents created a son for their sole selfish reasons. So, if their selfish needs are not fulfilled, let them cry. They have no right over their son.

    Recommend

  • Ahmed Rik

    Well! I would say that i use to hate homosexual from a deep in my heart but I would say that after reading your article all I will say that you have compelled me to overthink of decision of hating you guysRecommend

  • wb

    Please clarify why that’s’ relevant?

    They have oil, yet they need a Jew, a Christian, a Buddhist, an atheist or a Hindu to take out oil. In every single field, they’re failures. So, how does it matter if he belongs to this massively failed group or not?Recommend

  • Rebellious

    this article made me speechless … i have no words to say even i don’t have any sympathetic words for you .. u must be going through very harsh life but be strong and try to overcome it that’s all i can tell you.Recommend

  • random guy

    When a person doesnt choose to b then what one should do n also being aware of all these religious facts… on the other hand there are heterosexual guys who are the major reason for dragging kids for their lust ….. need a reply to this. ..Recommend

  • wb

    Because, for centuries Arabs have remained backward. Even today, you Arabs are ignorant and extremely, extremely backward. You have money. No doubt. But zero knowledge.

    That’s why to you it reads like fiction.Recommend

  • Rux

    I am with you! Live your life the way you want to, just make sure you never go out of line and hurt any one! Rest is temporary and nothing will last forever :)Recommend

  • Zakir

    Hi
    I don’t hate the homosexuals but it’s my belief that it is unnatural . You can eat with your nose but you won’t would you ?
    Secondly of gays can demand it’s the their right to be gay then paedophiles may want the same as according to them it is also an irresistible urge to have sexual feelings . Then what ? People like crime gambling and other sins so this is just another . It’s your choice there is no compulsion in religion or morality for that reason .
    I hope as a Muslim we should discourage this open support for clearly defined sins .Recommend

  • Meer

    Bravo… Just be yourself and live your life man.. Don’t think about the society much they will not let you live the either way.. Thumbs upRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    that’s what I want…leave the hate aside and try to understand what my feelings are and you will be compelled not to hate meRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    that’s what I want…leave the hate aside and try to understand what my feelings are and you will be compelled not to hate meRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    we have to be hopeful!
    stay strong dearRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I’ve said it before and will say it again….it’s not a choice!
    my parents would want me to be happy and being happy in our society means having family of our own….but this is not what will make me happy.
    does that mean that for my parents happiness, i sacrifice mine and lead a life of self guilt!Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I’ve never met a girl in my situation before!
    I’m fortunate that I was able to share your feelings and mine with the world.
    stay strong and remember god will never hate us because of our sexuality!!Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    LOL!!…I had written your last two sentences in my blog but had to remove it due to word constraint.Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    yes, it’s an excuse to surface up my issues which are never discussed in our society!
    and It’s not a choice and never has been!Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I completely feel with you!
    right now I’m young so marriage issue has not started in my family yet…but i dread being in late 20s and early 30s cause that’s the time when marriage pressure is at it’s height.
    I agree that being a gay women can be more difficult. with society like ours where women have to struggle each and every day for equal rights…being gay can be terrible!
    depression is something that we deal every day and for u, who has not told that to anyone cane be horrible. I came out to some of my friends and they have always supported me. That does not mean that you tell about your feelings to your friends but I would suggest you to talk about it with anyone whom you trust. talking about these things has really helped me fight depression and the feeling of being unworthy…and I think it will help you too. Don’t just keep it to yourself and burden yourself, it will eat you from within!
    About your marriage issue, I’m not experienced but I will say that, right now you haven’t moved in with your potential husband and you feel that it won’t work from your part and then imagine what will happen if you two start living together. It will be like being in a prison for the rest of your life.
    May god bless you and give you strength.
    take careRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I just wish that you could be in my place and feel what i feel each and every day of my lifeRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    Paedophiles can either be heterosexual or homosexual and they lure children in their trap…children are not meant for sex and what peadophiles do is not consensual sex…so they are wrong in what they do!!Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    Thanks! :)Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    Why does that even matter?
    A muslim, christian, hindu, jew, buddhist homosexual feels the same way i do.
    We are all suffering irrespective of our religion….and that’s the reason why I have not disclosed my religion.Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/NoumanNazim Nouman Nazim

    Allah created all of us for a reason. Find your purpose else you will die like million of others who lives the same life e.g. Study, Job, Marriage, Children etc and no one will remember you after two or three years of your death.Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    your last sentence gave me a smile :)Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/NoumanNazim Nouman Nazim

    Seriously? You defy the orders and instructions of Allah and in the result you expect him to be merciful on you?Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I’ve never felt inferior in anything…i had a very loving family and have never been abused in any way.
    it’s not a psycological disorder.
    We are humans too and irrespective of religion we feel the same….it’s that these feeling will never come to you if you belong to some particular religionRecommend

  • https://twitter.com/NoumanNazim Nouman Nazim

    There is always a choice. Be brave. The day you will start living your life for others, you will find your own happiness. Every great man has a great struggle behind him. We all are victims of sadness in one or other way so stop taking things for granted. You can’t change your circumstances unless you are willing to change them. The path you have chosen leads to nowhere and in the end you will have lots of regrets. Don’t let your emotions and feelings define who you are.Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I’m in the same situation as you…all I can say is work hard and be financially independent and make your parents proud and when the situation of marriage comes, you will be in a better position to deal with your parents and make them agree with your point of view.
    Earlier, I too used to feel that I’m the only one but believe me there are millions more like us.
    Take care, my friend!Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    Go ahead maam, and do what you love to do and make our world a better place!Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I too have decided never to marry a girlRecommend

  • http://www.facebook.com/oalibuzz Muhammad Ali

    somewhat you’re saying the truthRecommend

  • http://www.facebook.com/oalibuzz Muhammad Ali

    agreed with youRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I may me prejudiced here but yes, I agree that there is a gay stereotype and that is one of the reasons that force us to remain in the closet….and media plays a very negative role by forcing these stereotype to the society.Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I’m sure too that there will be a time when we will be able to think past prejudice!Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I agree that women are rational and independent and not a flower in a garden…I wrote that sentence to relate what I feel about women to the larger audience who would have hell of a time understanding what I feel….And i did say that that the sentence is very inappropriateRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    well whatever I have said is from deep within my heart and I’m sitting here in front of my laptop answering to all the commenters queries because I have stood up for my cause and to be heard…I’ve not been paid and don’t expect to be.Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    Thanks sir!Recommend

  • rockkkkk

    Homosexuality exists in hundreds of animal species..homophobia in just one, so stop telling people a out what’s natural.
    Anonymous:good job writing this article.. wish there were more such voices, in mainstream mediaRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I’ve been reading ET for a last few years and rarely do I comment on any post…but reading the last blog on gay issue I felt my voice needs to be heard!Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I never thought my voice will be heard by an American…Thanks for your encouraging words.
    Yes, we’ll get there where you are in terms of equality.
    I’ve some friends who know about my sexuality and they were shocked to hear that I could be gay! not even in their wildest dream, they said to me, had they imagined that I could be gay…and now they support me!
    Breaking one stereotype at a time!
    :)Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    would love to!…but it’s not easy to just immigrate to another countryRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    wish you could be in my shoes and say that again!Recommend

  • Gay Girl

    Nouman, first do a thorough research on LGBT and then reply here.

    Being gay is not a choice, if you were born a “Khusra/Haijra”, would it have been your choice? NO!

    Same applies for gay men and women. If you can’t share their sadness and understand their situation. Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    loved your suggestionsRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I feel horrible for you!
    hope something better comes out in your life..
    I completely agree with your suggestion…I will never drag an innocent girl’s life and make her suffer the way i do.Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I feel exactly the sameRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    hope the situation changes for betterRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    change of law is definitely a right sign but what has to change is the society. unfortunately, in india situation is the sameRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    Thank you sir!Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    ameenRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    everybody needs love and affection and to share a life….why is it wrong if i seek the same?Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    stay strong and believe in yourselfRecommend

  • Anonymous10

    ! am a 46 year old male and I can relate completely to what
    you have written. The only difference between yourself and me is that I have
    accepted the fact of what I am and am not struggling any more. I have also read
    the Quran and have understood Islam’s point of view on this as well. I consider
    myself as a believer and a Muslim albeit a sinner who looks for God’s grace and
    seeks His help to make me righteous in His eyes. I no longer care what the
    world thinks of me. What matters to me is what my creator thinks of me.

    First of all please ignore all the religious peddlers on
    this forum and the last people you should seek help from are the so-called
    scholars like Zakir Nayak and Tariq Jamil et. al. who have no clue of what they
    are dealing with except expounding the usual fire and brimstone lectures of how
    bad it is to be gay and that being gay is not natural and how you are
    going to burn in hell for eternity for being gay.

    Sceintifically, it is proven that being gay is a natural
    condition, whatever these so-called proponents of Islam say and how loudly they
    may shout about it. We do NOT choose to be gay and it has NOTHING to do with
    Western influence. I was never exposed to any so-called “Western”
    influences in my teenage when I started to discover these feelings. Do realize
    that this was the time when Zia’s Islamisation was in full swing in the country
    and any Western influences were extremely difficult to come across and we had
    not yet embraced social media. So that negates the theory of Western influence
    completely.

    Our society being
    what it is (as evident from the extremely ignorant comments of the Muslims
    here), I had to hide my feelings all the time like you did even from my family
    and also from friends. I was pressurized to get married but my marriage broke
    up after a year essentially because of the reason that I was not physically
    attracted to my wife. So she sought divorce and I gave it to her (All my
    sympathies to the female facing this issue with her husband). That was when I
    realised what was wrong with me and why I cannot have a normal relationship
    with a female. That is also when I loathed myself for being what I am but I had
    two choices. I could wallow in self pity and keep blaming myself and live a
    horrible life or take the other route and indulge myself and lead a life of sin
    which is also possible in Pakistan now thanks to the internet and social media.
    While in the begining, I did take the latter route but when I started studying
    the Quran myself and I found out that these deeds are not permissible in Islam
    and how God tests us with afflictions of various types to see who is better, I
    then decided to turn away from sin. I devoted myself to God and started praying
    5 times a day and decided to take it as a challenge. Even though it is very
    tough, I have tried to remain celibate since that time by not getting into any physical
    relationship of any kind with men. I know it is incredibly difficult but is not
    impossible. It is possible if you have full faith in the Almighty and resolve
    not to give in to your desires no matter what and I have seen that God also
    protects you if you pray to Him sincerely.

    I don’t know whether my
    story will help you or not. I realise
    that everyone has to make a choice about things but I have made a conscious,
    albeit a very difficult, choice only by turning my heart to my Lord and creator
    and by bowing myself to His will.Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    That’s where you go wrong!
    be a good human, that’s what you need to strive for and that’s all god wants from youRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I don’t know how you feel but I would request you not to hurt any child…just think how a child would feel if he/she gets molested and you would definitely abstain from doing such a thing.Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I really appreciate your comment…This is the first time I’ve written something!Recommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I just wish you could be in my shoes and then say the same things that you have said in your commentsRecommend

  • Anonymous 9

    I’m glad to see majority of the commenters here supporting me and advising me to be strong.
    You guys have increased my strength several folds!
    Let’s pray and hope for a better world and a better society where each and every person is treated with dignity and equality!!
    Let us light the candle of hope and never let it die!Recommend

  • wb

    Did you complain to Cii and Pemra yet?Recommend

  • Ali Ebrahim

    Dear Boy. I can never imagine the pain you are in but I would stand by your side to support you and your thoughts.
    My advice to you is “Please be positive in this life and do not think negatively”. A lot of people will mistreat you and you will have to be strong.
    Your courage to speak up the truth is a sign of how strong you are. And trust me you are an extra ordinary person! You have a tremendous capacity for achievement in this world and the Hereafter because those who pass the difficult tests get a better reward as opposed to “easy test, small reward”.
    My belief is that every creature born in this world has a purpose. That purpose is assigned to him by Almighty God. And trust me if you find the purpose of your life and strive to achieve it, you will be on top of this world.
    This life is a test for all of us. We all have to pass this life to enter Paradise. But that requires painstaking efforts. Deontologically, the good deeds and bad deeds are defined by our religions, only if we correctly learn them.
    No matter who you are but if you are a human, I love you as a human.
    May God Almighty give you success in every good step of your life.

    Kind regards,
    Ali EbrahimRecommend

  • umer

    Dude…it’s just fine to be gay or whatever else your wiring is about as long as you are not forcing anyone to sleep with you. If I am gay…(and I have no reason or evidence to say it’s an acquired taste; it’s probably genetic cause lots of mammals do it..) and my religion says I shouldn’t be, then I need to run far far away from my religion. I am not here nor interested to be “tested” on this particular issue by God…i am already busy trying to pass tests to qualify as a decent and kind guy. So don’t listen to the “brother god is testing you” gang for whom religion starts and ends with strictures about sex and alcohol. Have a glass of wine, enjoy sleeping with your guy or guys, play sports and chill. Oh…but in a silly religion obsessed society there is no need to come “out” and announce your sexuality. Let them keep guessing.Recommend

  • Work Hard

    I wish I could get all the gay Pakistani men out of that shithole. I wish I had that power because homosexual men do not belong there. As a gay Pakistani male living abroad, I lived some of worst years of my life in Pakistan. And guess what, I wasn’t even out to anyone. So please think about your future and get out of that country. You are just 22, work hard and get out of there. Recommend

  • umer

    Just avoid the “brother” brigade preaching silly ideas of religion… Use protection….don’t spread disease and hurt ppeople…the world could use less breeding, especially in this part of the world. Tell people to shut up often. Eat fruits and drink lots of water…especially in a hangover. Recommend

  • Don’t hate

    Well then you should keep writing! Pakistan is in desperate need for more open minded writers like you if we want to see a change in the way our society thinks.Recommend

  • Anonymous10

    Yeah sure, we have only one life to live and lets live as we want to. Drink as much as you want, party all you want and sleep with as many guys as you want. After all that’s what life is all about. Having fun 24×7 without any responsibility!Recommend

  • HomoAbroad

    Hey there!

    Let me just start off by wishing kudos to you on this very fine and extensively relatable article. Every word of it was a brief description of my life. All the failed trys to be intimate with women, every attempt to keep a hetero image, even going as far as almost marrying a girl in order to ‘correct’ me. But all for what? So I could be another victim to society’s subjugation?
    Coming from a conservative family which resides in the Middle East, and someone who is exactly of your age, I can tell you that it would get better. I am not a religious scholar with any expertise on this matter, but if God created you with these feelings that I clearly understand are not chosen by you, he will have to accept you for acting upon them. I am sure He will have a lot of rapists, pedophiles, murders and other savages in the society to use as firewood to burn in hell.
    As far as your parental expectations are concerned, allow me to give you the harsh reality; you will have to make a choice between them and your feelings. As sad and heartbreaking it sounds, that’s the bitter truth. Unless you are planning on starting huge LGBT campaigns in Pakistan to liberate the homosexuals, I suggest you start looking for your options outside the country. Plenty of homosexual asylums and political regufe around the civilized world. As of now, our brown society is amidst severe radicalization and fundamentalism to even consider homosexuality as something real. Good luck to you!

    Cheers to Express Tribune for letting you share this! Time to wake up and intellectually engage in dialogue about these issues.Recommend

  • dania waheed

    Salaam. I’m not gay but I’m just wondering from a moral standpoint that since homosexuality is forbidden under Islam, what would happen to gay or lesbian individuals? A lot of gay and lesbians say that their sexual orientation is natural and they are born gay. Assuming that they are correct since straight people don’t know, if homosexuality is outlawed in Islam then why would Allah make them that way so that their existence is a tortured and sexually frustrated way?

    Praise be to Allaah.

    We do not agree with their claim that their sexual orientation is natural; rather it is a distortion of nature. Allaah counted their deed as wrongdoing and immoral, and He sent upon the people of Lut a punishment the like of which no other nation had seen. He also tells us that this punishment is not ever far from the wrongdoers.

    Their claim that their orientation is natural serves only to propagate and spread immorality, and it is just an excuse for them. Many of them change their appearance so as to look odd, so how can we say that this is how they were created?

    Allaah does not create anyone just to punish or torture them. He created mankind to worship Him, but He may try His slaves with hardship as a test of their faith, to expiate for their sins and to raise their status. Allaah is too Just to force a person to commit sin and then punish him. On the contrary, people commit sins by their own free choice – like these perverted people – and it is for this that they deserve to be punished.Recommend

  • Sumbul

    I agree with Saad . Who ever he is . If I feel like stealing the things or have an urge to earn money by any means even if for it I have to be a sex worker just because I feel the need of live a luxurious life , will it I is acceptable by the society ? Or I am justified? No not at all. I have to learn to control myself and understand the right and wrong. Recommend

  • Usman

    londay bazi in our society is now becoming fashion by giving it a new name “gay”. May Allah save our children from these londay baz aka gays. These people are actually mentally sick and they say its natural. Yup its natural just like madness is natural. These people are threat to children in our society. For everyone please be careful and take care of your children.Recommend

  • M

    Maybe, but you might qualify for refugee status if you are gay and your life is threatened. Worth a try, unless you want to campaign for LGBT rights within Pakistan.

    To the Haters: everyone is quoting Quran, but there are probably verses you do not live by, like 23:6-7, 4:34. How about treating the anti gay passages like the pro slavery passages and ignoring them?Recommend