I stand with Altaf Hussain

Published: February 10, 2015
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But what about Altaf Bhai? Nobody gave him a shaadi card, not even one of those cards at the dharna.

I fail to understand the hue and cry against the comparisons of the events of Islamabad to a mujra. If anything Altaf Hussain insulted Heera Mandi with the comparison. At least with Heera Mandi everyone knows how much everyone is getting paid, and who is getting screwed. All Altaf Bhai wants is permission to open a branch of Heera Mandi in Karachi, at least it would be cleaner than the Sabzi Mandi and fewer women would get sexually harassed there compared to the Sabzi Mandi.

An event organised by politicians by spending a lot of money to awaken the naujawans is the very definition of a mujra. Tell me this, if it was not a mujra, what is DJ Butt doing there?

DJ Butt has clearly infiltrated the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) ranks, on behalf of his Butt brotherhood. The fact that every time Imran Khan starts to criticise Gullu Butt, DJ Butt starts playing a song to disrupt him is clear evidence of his annoyance. PTI may be singing to the tune of, “I like DJ Butt and I cannot lie” for now but he will eventually get revenge for the verbal abuse against the Butt brotherhood, especially the three Butt sisters, Seema Butt, Rabya butt and Kissma Butt; butt is thicker than water.

Maybe the name ‘Butt’ made Altaf Bhai think of other things. Behind the allure of Altaf Bhai’s intoxicating gravel, there are logical facts.

My conclusions are based on sound evidence, I have watched clips of the dharna on all television channels and the only close-up shots I saw were of women. Why would so many women and girls come out on the streets of Islamabad? It is not like they constitute half the population of Pakistan and have the right to exercise their fundamental rights as much as any men. This is Pakistan; politics is a man’s game.

Women do not belong at protests, unless of course they are there to run the kitchens for the dharna. A man’s got to eat you know.

Women did not help Pakistan gain independence, in fact many women could not even migrate to Pakistan because they not allowed out of their houses. Women did not win back democracy for Pakistan from Ziaul Haq. The Women’s Action Forum was mainly an excuse to get together and watch Star Plus.

There is no history in Pakistan of strong female political leaders. People like Fatima Jinnah and Benazir Bhutto are mere fairy tales to tell little girls, they are basically the Pakistani version of Elsa and Anna.

Anna: “Do you want to build a Pakistan?”
Elsa: “Let it go. Soon you won’t be single anymore. Let it go, let it go, the jahez never bothered us anyway.”

Any girl in Pakistan holding political aspirations should just “let it go, let it go”.

Liberals in Pakistan make it sound like if we promote education for girls in Pakistan they will go on to win Emmys, Oscars or Nobel awards for the country.

The question then remains, what were so many women doing in Islamabad? The answer is Imran Khan.

Let us be honest, Imran’s female support is not because he is a World Cup winner for Pakistan, if Javed Miandad was leading PTI, the crowd would look less Veena Malik and more Rana Naveedul Hasan. The speeches might be way more entertaining though.

The dharna was slimming out till Imran announced he wanted to build Naya Pakistan so he could get married, from that point onwards, the crowds have swelled up.

According to Javed Hashmi’s allegations, Imran has also paid DJ Butt for the Mehndi and asked Allama Tahirul Qadri to read his Nikkah. Shaikh Rasheed was clearly in on the plan, as any married man would testify; he was talking about Imran when he said,

“Qurbaani say pehley, Qurbaani hogee.”

All these conspiracy theories have been proven to be true. RAW, CIA and Mosab all combined to create Reham Khan in a laboratory to control Imran. The evidence is all there in black and white, and 50 shades of grey.

The most damning revelation to come out is that it is all scripted. Yes, like any television interview ever in Pakistan, the dharna has also been scripted. The entire script was written by a television production company looking to launch Pakistan’s version of the hit show, “The Bachelor”.

One television channel was hired to play the smitten ex-girlfriend whereas another television channel was hired to play the shiny new girlfriend making the former jealous. Jemima Khan is said to watch the former with shock thinking even she does not have that many complaints from Imran.

Meera has also thrown her hat into the ring by claiming that she will get married in Naya Pakistan, clear evidence that she was not as tired as she told Captain Naveed she was. However, the clearest evidence is Imran’s decision to hold a jalsa at Mianwali. He clearly wants a lucky girl to become ‘Mianwali’. Imran himself wore his famous black kurta to the jealous, making Attaullah Esa Khelvi swoon,

“Kameez teri Kali, tay sohna phoola wali…tay nu le kay jawa ga Mianwali.”

I do not blame the women vying for Imran’s love; when you compare his looks to other politicians in the country, he is our resident Ryan Gosling.

Rumour also has it that he parted way with Hashmi after being jealous of his popularity with the girls. As the parents reading this may know, the teenage girls all like a baaghi.

The stage was set, the lights were up, the music is playing, and all that is missing was Mrs PTI? Finally true to his slogan , “Mian Sahib jaaan deo, sadi waari aan deo”, Imran finally got his turn.

But what about Altaf Bhai? Nobody gave him a shaadi card, not even one of those cards at the dharna. In these circumstances, it is completely natural for him to act smitten.

I for one absolve him of all blame. I stand with Altaf Bhai.

Look, I have written an article in support of Altaf Hussain, can you please stop asking for my bori size? Wait, this is the text window right? Oh…

shehzad.ghias

Shehzad Ghias

A graduate from the LUMS Law School and is running his own theatre production company, Cogito Productions.He works as a theatre teacher at various schools. He tweets @Shehzad89 (twitter.com/Shehzad89)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Asad

    NFP Wannabe.Recommend

  • Parvez

    Today in our politics when we see so much ‘ sound and fury ‘ happening, the logical thing to ask is where is the real action happening.
    Considering what he said you forgot to ask Altaf Bhai if he had any women in his party.
    Loved the bit bout the three Butt sisters.Recommend

  • Fayaz

    Poor sense of sarcasm. At most. Recommend

  • Tanzeel Ahmad

    Your credentials do not sync with your write up.Recommend

  • Queen

    As usual, an Awesome blog!Recommend

  • Fahad Arshad

    good job young man….some of the lines had me tearing my eyes!Recommend

  • U_SAF

    Nicely written! keep it up with sense of humor, may be you will be spared from BORI type incident.Recommend

  • X&Y

    this was probably your best piece. keep em coming!Recommend

  • Haroon

    Very fresh approach, much needed in our satire/comedy circle.Recommend

  • mwsarki

    confused writing with awful sense of sarcasm. Think you should decide what you want to write out first rather then trying to sound intelligent.Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    IS KI BORI TAYAAR KARO.Recommend

  • sam

    may u find a good doctor soonRecommend

  • sam

    may u be paid well for this so u can see a good doctor (psychiatrist)Recommend

  • Shehroze Butt

    It’s rather pathetic that you have to insult the Butt community, we’re easy targets cause of our name but you nothing of our achievements.

    I’m proud butt, you won’t need a boring, we’ll handle you in much better way.

    Kashmir zindabad.Recommend

  • Biswajeet Kapoor Kiraula

    Reham Khan?…Is that ‘meyhn bahar ki peda hui hoon’ Reham?
    Libya Reham? What happened to Jemima?Recommend

  • fatima

    Your head is in the right place and we do need more satirical writers but this piece was a bit shy of full on sarcasm and didnt hit the mark. But definitly someone i would be following from now on :)Recommend

  • Umer Sahi

    What a third Grade article.Recommend

  • aaliya

    What a lame, pointless write-up. You win as this year’s lamest blogger.Recommend

  • Sarah

    Being a female pti supporter I laughed crazy. Yes I’m all in for his looks. At 20 I do want a husband like my grand father. This is what years of education taught me. Can’t wait to go to the “G” chowk againRecommend

  • Shehroze Butt

    I meant bori*Recommend

  • nust

    I like DJ Butt and I cannot lie x’D x’DRecommend

  • Ruby

    Keep writing. May be next time, the sting will take. A better title would help. And the lines you use are longer for the meaning they convey. There is no surprise element in the lines. May be it would have helped if you mentioned upfront that it is a satire, may be with a more dramatic title.

    I was tired of reading some lines.

    Meera has also thrown her hat into the ring by claiming that she will get married in Naya Pakistan, clear evidence that she was not as tired as she told Captain Naveed she was.

    Smaller sentences and simpler constructs are fun. I don’t want to read the whole long sentence to make some sense. Go easy on the tense and grammar. ‘as tired as’?! Not quirky.

    Meera also threw her hat into the ring, claiming she will be married in Naya Pakistan. Clearly she lied to Captain Naveed that she was tired.(I don’t know the context)

    Better?

    And too many ‘he said that she said that he heard’ will work only if you are mocking this exchange itself. If your joke is only after this phrase, it is probably bad.

    Don’t know why I am in a teacher mood :P
    Write to your hearts content. No respect for grammar or people. It will be good no matter what.Recommend

  • Mazrat ke saath

    There are people born in every era who make the best of the worst. Keep it up. Let haters hate. Looking forward what you do next.Recommend

  • Khizer Saeed

    You have excessively used sarcasm in your blog, I think you were trying too hard to do something, i don’t understand what. It would be good if you have used normal style of writting.Recommend

  • Zeesh

    Dude, do get your articles proof-read before sending across. If you were referring to the Israeli intelligence agency, it’s Mossad and not ‘Mosab’Recommend

  • Nithya Menon

    Awesome article. Loved it.Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    boring, may well make you a mental patient but a “BORI” will get you to the morgue. Being bored to death may well be metaphorical but “BORI” is pretty much connected with actual death.Recommend

  • $0$

    Great Article. though I am bit too concern as you have officially insulted their beloved “imran Abboo” the kids surely won’t take it easy…Recommend

  • Mahdi

    hurt Insafians in 3… 2… 1…Recommend

  • http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/author/1209/asad-k/ Xeric

    A cute face doesnt necessarily makes a good scribe.Recommend

  • Shahmeer

    Meera makes more sense than you buddy.Recommend

  • Waqas

    Great!!!!!!!!!!Recommend

  • Aslam

    You need to study more ,to write a good article. You stand with evil. It shows that you do not have any respect for womenRecommend

  • fareeha

    Lolz…great article, love itRecommend

  • Ammar

    well well written…Recommend

  • Ali

    Imran Khan is surely the reason behind the sleepless nights of your corrupt masters, I wont call them your ABBOS because its your dirty calibre! Thats why you people cant digest almost everything about Khan Sahab. His honesty,sincerity and bravery! Recommend

  • ahmad achakzai

    i am really surprised to see our paki readers, all they read is to judge the writer. they dont concentrate on the positive side of the story. and thats a shame.Recommend