For singles: How to survive Valentine’s Day
That’s right, you with premature wrinkles around your mouth! You’ve been cringing at couples, haven’t you? So does the colour pink make you vomit? Does the shape of a heart send you into throes of an epileptic fit? Do you just hate teddy bears?
It’s okay. Just breathe, we have you covered. You are single, my dear and there is nothing wrong with that. You’ve managed perfectly well all on your own all through cuddle December and shaadi season January but now comes the ultimate test. Valentine’s day is just around the corner and everywhere you turn you see the cardiovascular system treated with the sort of reverence seldom found outside hospitals. Candy makers have jacked up their prices and makeup is flying off the shelves.
“Is nothing sacred?” you ask.
We, at Fazuliyaat Inc. are here to assure you that Valentines’ day certainly isn’t.
Please continue reading for list of the latest in anti- Valentine gear and accessories available exclusively through our online delivery service and crafted specifically for all your single-and-not-ready-to-mingle needs!
1. “Love and other disasters” chocolate box:
For the dreaming idiot in your life. Each piece of dark chocolate comes individually wrapped in uninteresting shades of grey foil and contains an ‘anti-love’ quote selected from classical literature especially for our discerning clientele.
2. Indifference-tinted glasses
Protect your sensitive eyes from the offending shades of blush and magenta with this stylish pair of aviators. These high-tech sets of face couture incorporate patented technology developed by the American department of defence. They work by preventing all shades at the red-end of the visible spectrum from reaching your pupils hence making sure that, for you, February 14th is a day like any other.
3. Anti-Valentine sticker set
A set of colourful, neon, glow in the dark sticker with messages like,
“He’s cheating on you!”
“Does Mummy know where you are?”
Stick them on Valentine cards or place them strategically at eye-level around secluded make-out spots; guaranteed to kill the mood dead and scientifically proven to reduce all PDA in the vicinity by 75%.
4. Ghairat–Brigade Faux beard
Our all-natural, waist length beards (available for both men and women) can be easily hooked behind the ears to add substance to any anti-Valentine preaching in the defence of our culture and values. The first 10 customers to place their orders will receive free booklets full of useful xenophobic information like how “Birthday cakes are an ancient Roman tradition to give thanks to the Goddess Juno” to help in their quest for the preservation of morals.
5. “Equal Representation” Plush Internal Organ Set
For the first time in dating history we present to you a set of plush toys that include life size models of all the internal organs that the media is completely bent on ignoring. Shake off a persistent paramour with a model pancreas. Send a fuzzy femur with a subliminal threat. Show your disgust with a beautifully wrapped wool-y bladder. The possibilities are endless.
6. Hiya spray
PDA is wily and can attack anyone at a moment’s notice. You may have been forced to simply mutter ‘Youths!’ and move one in the past but not anymore. Researchers from KSA have developed the potent mix of anti-aphrodisiac chemicals and Fazuliyaat Inc. has packaged them into a handy spray can that can be carried in your pocket. Hand-holding? Hugging? A quick spritz of the Hiya spray will have young men and women flying away from each other at light speeds!
Order now for fantastic discounts on all stock and avail the chance to win free limited edition copies of “K-I-S-S-I-N-G Shut up.” by Muapna Dekhtou Zara!
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.