“I will be selling chai on Mars soon!”

Published: October 14, 2014
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Under its ‘eight planet chain’ convention, China has the exclusive rights to any space territory that was charted by its ancient astronomers. PHOTO: REUTERS

Chinese authorities, on Friday, sent a letter to the UNOOSA (United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs), condemning the unashamedly cheerful celebration by the Indian authorities on the success of the recent Indian Mars mission ‘Mangalyaan’. It accused the country of ‘highly inappropriate’ interference in its outer space affairs.

The letter from the Beijing foreign affairs committee said that, under its ‘eight planet chain’ convention, China has the exclusive rights to any space territory that was charted by its ancient astronomers.

This is not the first time the emerging Asian superpower has asserted its growing authority on disputed territories. It has previously laid claim to most of the islands of the South China Sea based on a nine-dashed line drawn by past Chinese cartographers.

Xi Jinping, the Chinese President, sternly confirmed this stance during his speech at the recent UN General Assembly meeting,

“Since it was our astronomer that mapped the sky first, China owns anything that can be observed with a student telescope. And that includes Pluto, planet or no planet.”

Goh Gun Jagoh, an economics professor at Tsinghua University, connected this tussle to a broader struggle over natural resources and raw materials.

“China simply aims to construct quarry sites on the metal-rich asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter so that its factories back home can churn out more bendable iPhones than ever,” he said proudly showing off his new wristwatch. “Seriously, who needs the Apple watch when you can simply bend your iPhone into a timepiece?”

India has shrugged off the Chinese allegations by hinting that Prime Minister Modi simply wants to carve out a place on Mars far enough for BJP traitors, Gujarat riot apologists and other undesirables to be exiled to, in case he fails to deliver on any of his ambitious promises.

The Indian public for now is obliviously gorging on ‘mithai’ to mark their historic achievement; it could care less about Rahul Gandhi sipping on martian mojitos millions of miles away.

Desi entrepreneurs have plans of their own for the red planet. Vishnu Patiwala, a tea stall owner in Delhi radiated optimism;

Arey bhaiya, this is good na. Modi jee says it is cheaper to go to Mars by satellite than to travel to Lal Quila in a rickshaw. You mark my words; I will be selling chai on Mars soon!”

The US, with its usual tendency to meddle in any business accumulating dollars over, has unsurprisingly come to India’s rescue, reprimanding China for flexing its muscles on its feebler neighbour. So much so, it placed an embargo on China, blocking all imports from the Asian nation until it softens its position on the space race.

Unfortunately, this move has backfired, since a whopping 20% of American imports are Chinese goods. As a result of the sanctions, a scene of utter chaos among prospective buyers outside an Apple store in New York was observed – it had run out of iPhones owing to a lack of supply.

“I’m going to go crazy”, a tearful fan protested, “I’ve had iPhones all my life and I’ve been waiting in this line for a whole week. Now no phones left!” He was later seen tweeting about the development on his Huawei device.

Interestingly, one member of the international circus remains silent on this issue; Vladimir Putin has stayed suspiciously quiet on the race to deeper space. Perhaps he is heedful of the recent furore on Photoshopped pictures of celebrities – it is proving a lot more difficult to edit out failures these days. Regardless, an eventual Kremlin entry into this affair should not come as a surprise, the only fitting place to annex after Ukraine would be Uranus.

It remains to be seen who will emerge victorious in this battle for the heavens. All we know for now is that the radical group, Islamic Caliphate, has begun strapping thrilled volunteers to rockets in pursuit of an easier way to follow up on its promises to send fighters to a heavenly domain.

Sharoon Younas

Sharoon Younas

A civil engineer from Purdue University, USA, he enjoys engaging in discussion on current affairs.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Prashant

    In short, Mr Younas wants to say:

    China is stronger and throws its weight around which the author enjoys.

    India is feeble and should never aspire to compete with China, even the US cannot help India.

    If this is satire Younas, I must tell you, it sucked.Recommend

  • Asuras of ISIS

    Nice one….. attempted satire… but one thing its an art writing satire. .learn it form the likeso f nadeem paracha wh ocan go to extremes as well….
    On anotehr note, Pakistanis cannot of even dream of MARS for they dnt live in a peaceful country….Recommend

  • Tarbooz

    What the crap did I just read?Recommend

  • ab1990

    terrible satireRecommend

  • Zh

    You must have included the below passage as well.

    “Meanwhile according to the Jinnah of Naya Pakistan, the Two-Nation theory of Imran-Qauadri has proven to be truth. According to Imran, since Imran and Sharifs are two different culture as it is difficult to co-exist together, so recommended “all weather friend” to take them to mars when they send their men for mineral exploration…….”Recommend

  • G. Din

    Hilarious! Enjoyed it immensely!Recommend

  • Manish

    The correct narrative should be that the territory carved out by India on Mars is now being claimed by Pakistan as their own. Non state Martians have been trained as celestial assets. Hafiz saeed held a rally today claiming jihad against India’s indiscriminate space projectiles and flags of azad mars were distributed to young cheering supporters. While nawaz sharif said Pakistan was more than prepared for any Indian aggresion by firing the 65 km Hatif missile only 420 million Kms short of target. Sartaz aziz has filed an appeal with ban ki MOON while the later referred to the statement given by his official spokesperson that the matter is to be resolved bilaterally. China whose friendship is darker than black hole said India’s Mars mission is Asia’s pride ( they really said this) and agreed to take trade with India to 100 billion dollars year level.Recommend

  • sudeep

    come on, guys, this was classic satire!

    A good one, Sharoon. Don’t pay attention to the kill-joys below!Recommend

  • Critical

    Reading this blog made me remind of Raaz 3…the one which I went to the theatre thinking it was a horror movie but ended up laughing and get cringy at the horrible film making and supposed scary moments…

    Similarly,this author wanted to bring satire but ended up falling flat…Recommend

  • Anand

    A lot of hurt people here. A lot of the jokes are subtle so not for your average reader. Wonderful piece Younis!Recommend

  • Funny

    Arre…our country is feeble compared to china now..why get insulted over it ? Accept karo & don’t live in denial.
    @Author- nice start…keep writing.You can only improve from here.Recommend

  • Sid

    Hahaha….pretty good satire….enjoyed reading it…..Cheers :)Recommend

  • Parvez

    I did not think this was satire at all……I thought it was just for laughs and a good attempt too.Recommend

  • abhi

    You are being too hard on Younus. I don’t tink he showed any disrespect towards India. The blog is actually making fun of China.Recommend

  • Guest

    After reading this err,is this an article(!!!), Even if you can’t achieve anything significant, or to contribute anything worthwhile to the world, write a satire about stuffs which you can’t achieve even in your wildest dreams!

    You’re one of our neighbors (fatefully), while ours is still a developing nation, we’re very good at competing with the world. Recommend

  • Imr

    What the is Mars!
    The scientist said that Mars is a planet where there is no Air, or Air in mars can create fire.Recommend

  • Prashant

    Nadeem F Paracha is the best when it comes to satire, not just among the Pakistanis but to me in the world itself, no Indian comes even close to him.Recommend

  • Salim Alvi

    Akbar is more of a creation of Nehruvian historian like Thapar. His own kids from Jahangir to Aurangazeb were fanatic. Even Tansen had to convert to Islam. So lies cannot be sustained. You meet progeny of Rajput Hindu fiefdoms as professors of Science & Technology in MIT & Princeton Read article “The slumdog princess” in dailymail of UK. It is high time we own our desi native roots and for that if we have to take native names like Akash and adopt native culture which includes way to pray, celebrate festivals and consider the native heroes rather alien marauders who looted us, enslaved us and This will atleast stop our downward slide to hell like Look where this identifying with external barbarians has brought them. They have become parasites without roots and hate everything native – native ancestors, native language. We desi Muslims, have nothing to do with AkbarRecommend

  • siesmann

    On the contrary,for a satire it is so wonderful.Learn to laugh at times rather than putting too much pressure on your brain of analysis.Recommend

  • wiserneighbour

    meanwhile in Pakistan TTP hijacked a truck load of polio vaccine to save millions of kids falling prey to western conspiracy.Election commission of Pakistan and courts of Pakistan is still in the process of deciding whether Nawas sheriff was legally elected or not.. can’t afford to bend backwards.Recommend

  • Cosmo

    Someone please explain that article to me!!! What the da heck was that. No, i know when it is a satire. Recommend

  • thruthseeker

    I could not complete reading, this is very rare. normally I read till the last word, but this was so ……… so…… cant find the word, lets just say mind numbingly bad. It made me wonder, is the bar at this paper so low, even Sharoon Younas can find space? Recommend

  • saswath

    nadeem has class and this creature is completely bakwass.Recommend

  • saswath

    yeah we can laugh but not on satire Recommend

  • saswath

    good for you…you deserve RGV ke sholey.Recommend

  • saad khan

    The author probably copied an article from the Onion or one of these other satirical websites in an attempt to be funny. MASSIVE FAIL.Recommend

  • Sanchit

    What an amazing write-up! Loved the references to Russian space mission and IS…Recommend

  • Arvind P

    Hahahahahah @Huawei……. Yaaar keep it up i want to read more of ur work. Maja agayaRecommend

  • Owais Shah

    who needs the Apple watch when you can simply bend your iPhone into a timepiece?

    haha good read. dont lisn to serious idiots they dont understand it..!Recommend

  • Prashant

    You are funny enough not to have read my previous comments and ask me to accept the reality, yes I agree India is not as powerful as China is but “feeble” is not a word that describes India.Recommend

  • Prashant

    You just made me laugh bro.Recommend

  • S A P

    read anand ranganathan in newslaundry and if you dont change your mind, I will stop commenting on disqus for 6 months…

    he has unbelievable breadth and depth – but satire is amazing too…

    pls leave feedback after you do.Recommend

  • Abyss

    Very nice Manish!

    Author did a fairly good job but I was missing reference to Pakistan in the original piece. The original post coupled with your comment pretty much bags the “joint” Literature Nobel prize!Recommend

  • Banana

    Not to underestimate Nadeem Paracha. But you must read Anand Raghunathan of Newslaundry and a lesser known K.Balakumar of Unreal Times before coming to that conclusion.Recommend

  • Prashant

    ” I will stop commenting on disqus for 6 months…”

    Only six months, shows your love for ET ;)

    I will certainly leave the feedback. Thanks.Recommend

  • Sane

    You can translate in the way you want. Only wise ones understand. Modi says ‘It is cheaper to go Mars than to go lal Qila’. What can be said about this childish notion.

    You may need at least one more century to be at par with China. First take care of your hungry population. Invest money on them.Recommend

  • Funny

    When I think of how many are hungry & toilet’less’- I would agree with the use of that word. We are a land of contrasts..very advanced in many places & shockingly backward in others. I basically learned from this website ,last year,that we have such a staggering ‘toilet’ problem….I think most urbane Indians are unaware of how large this problem is.It certainly makes me look at my country in a different way.Anyway,it’s on its way to being fixed..Indians shouldn’t take offense so quickly.Recommend

  • S A P

    :).. well, the moderator has taken the liberty to edit my post! i also talked about NFP – and how I love his posts too – particularly the ones pertaining to the post independency history of Pakistan and the Karachi, Pindi of the 70s and 80s…Recommend

  • S A P

    Wow.. great men’s followers think alike…Recommend

  • siesmann

    Part of the trouble is with the people itself.They cn afford color televisions,VCRs,iPhones and other modern amenities.They wont spend money on toilets,which cost much less comparatively,and with incentives from governmentRecommend

  • Prashant

    and we should not jump to conclusions either, conclusions about who is taking offense and who is not.Recommend

  • jay1980

    i see jealous people !!!Recommend

  • Yo2Da2

    Prashant, dear, did you read the article with your chip on the shoulder? I thought the author was pretty funny! (If anything, China did not come out very well.)Recommend

  • Prashant

    I thought he was all over the place.Recommend

  • captain pasha

    ohh common..Due to this space program India doesn’t depend on NASA or any other space agency for early warning of cyclone or any natural disaster.India is developing its own GPS for that matter.Because in some situation foreign GPS system are not reliable.We are going to use our own GPS from 2017.That is good achievement.And the budget of Mangalayan Mission 470 crs which is .000002% of India one your budget.
    Recommend

  • usman

    “friendship darker than blackholes” ! ..hahaha u made my day!Recommend

  • neighbour

    I don’t know about selling chai but please dont mess up on mars as India hasyet to build 500000000000…… toilets :remember (Modi’s vision). Looks like India went to Mars in search of toilet space. Recommend

  • neighbour

    And more so , the journey is so cheap any Indian can afford to go to Mars for visitingRecommend

  • Vijay

    Absolutely hilarious! Good job!Recommend

  • Funny

    You are right..I thought it was solely a poverty/affordability issue-but I saw a report on cnn that indicated otherwise…some people are so used to doing it outside in the early morning air,that they don’t even use newly constructed toilets !Recommend

  • Funny

    Sorry : (Recommend

  • acidicrain

    Yes and the mission on Mars is going to feed the poor, enhance education and bring down India’s position for being the country where rape is highest. all of these space missions do nothing but give information… that’s it. Space missions have nothing to do with Peace and prosperity of humans. Cheers for wasting money.Recommend

  • suresh

    unworthy article to readRecommend