No, I’m not a football fan – bite me Suarez

Published: June 30, 2014
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I don’t follow football! Yes, I don’t have a favourite team – the closest I have ever gotten to it was when I played FIFA video games with my friends or back when Ronaldo had not gotten a hair transplant and was not such a Prince Charming lookalike; oh wait, that’s not the same guy – that explains a lot.

I don’t follow football! Yes, I don’t have a favourite team – the closest I have ever gotten to it was when I played FIFA video games with my friends or back when Ronaldo had not gotten a hair transplant and was not such a Prince Charming lookalike; oh wait, that’s not the same guy – that explains a lot.

I don’t follow football! Yes, I don’t have a favourite team – the closest I have ever gotten to it was when I played FIFA video games with my friends or back when Ronaldo had not gotten a hair transplant and was not such a Prince Charming lookalike; oh wait, that’s not the same guy – that explains a lot. By the way, we must limit the number of Ronaldos in one era, so that it’s easy to remember who is who. They are becoming the Khans of soccer.

Exactly the way people from Rawalpindi think its cooler to live in ‘Pind’ rather than Islamabad, just because they have the GHQ. Or maybe how ‘Innocent Badshah’ from across the Clifton Bridge, comes for his weekly foreign tour to Pakistan’s equivalent of Jumeirah, every Saturday night, only to ride back at midnight with a loud silencer (oxymoron) and ripped skin tight jeans.

A similar divide exists between the different kinds of football fans in Pakistan.

The first one is the “Tony” fan. You will find the “Tony” sporting a Manchester United jersey as he walks into Ami’s superstore to buy food for Fluffy. No, that is not his hairy girlfriend but, in fact, his pet cat. His day doesn’t end till he sends her (the girlfriend not Fluffy) a selfie on Snapchat. And the girl responds with an audio message on Whatsapp saying,

“Oh my God, I love you my Messi”, as she yells at her maasi for ruining her ironed clothes.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, her maasi is the closest she had ever gotten to knowing about Messi before the World Cup, but then again, you can’t do anything about true love. It happens, just like an own goal.

For the second kind of football fans, it’s more of a generational affair. Not only to watch football, but to dodge bullets and brawls to watch it as a group on a friend’s rooftop. This particular group will always support one team for ages. One wonders why the Lyari boys are still supporting Brazil after all these years? Do they think that if they change their favourite team now we will call them lotas? Or maybe it’s because they are dark skinned too, if so, then why not support the Ivory Coast or Nigeria?

This is not politics; you can change your favourite team anytime you want.

And then there are people who are standing on the LOFC (Line of FIFA Control) and don’t know jack about the sport but need to have an opinion. Why? Well, it’s simply, because everyone in Pakistan needs to have an opinion about everything. Be it is the timing of operation Zarb-e-Azb or whether Suarez should have been banned for his Bhakkar antics.

“I will support Iran because they are Muslims!”

“But this is a sport, not whoever wins the World Cup rules the world tournament”

“No! We should support our brothers in war and fun”

“Okay…why don’t you support Ghana, it has several Muslim players?”

“Because… they are… umm… not brownish like us?”

In the middle are people like us, who don’t really care but have friends who do, so now we need to be present in the match screenings and pretend that we care that Spain is out of the race. Even our local media has post and pre-match shows where they have gotten awkward looking teenagers to talk about the World Cup. Boys who probably didn’t even watch the match saying things like,

“My advice to Muller is to play more aggressively.”

For them my advice is – shut up and go treat your pimples!

The only thing we have in common with FIFA World Cup 2014 is that players from all around the world are kicking our balls.

Yes!

We made the official ball for the cup, but, that’s it.

So let’s wait for our cup, which is the cricket World Cup 2015! Because that, Sir, is our game! Even though it’s a British sport and the Brits played it when they got too tired of ruling us and we learnt it by being their water boys. But hey screw kushti and hockey, cricket yaayyy!

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Ali Gul Pir

Ali Gul Pir

Comedian, writer, rapper and producer. He tweets as @Aligulpir (twitter.com/Aligulpir)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • NoNy

    A game does not have to be ours for watching and enjoying it, football is the game. The way we lose in cricket is enough of a reason for changeover. BTW “everyone in Pakistan needs to have an opinion about everything” makes loads of sense as you also seem to have an opinion about football when you neither play nor are a fan.Recommend

  • Ramish

    Now that I’ve bothered to go through this post, can somebody please care to explain what the purpose of this was in the first place?Recommend

  • Khushal

    Stick to Music and Rap. Don’t ever write on Football, ever. ThanksRecommend

  • نائلہ

    Ali Gul Pir, im a fan of yours :) Recommend

  • نائلہ

    Ali Gul Pir, im a fan of yours :) Recommend

  • Hamza

    ….And your point is?Recommend

  • AB

    But hey people won’t stop watching it nor would they ever think of giving up on following it.
    But hey as you wrote for the heck of it,hey,thank you so much.Recommend

  • Troll Face

    “The only thing we have in common with FIFA World Cup 2014 is that players from all around the world are kicking our balls.”

    LMAO. By the way Pakistani football fans are just GLORY HUNTERS and nothing else. I haven’t seen one single guy/girl supporting the team despite its losses. They just want to be on the winning side no matter what.Recommend

  • Waseem Sarwar

    I still wear my Italia kit with pride and the glory hunting is an international issue. Haven’t you seen Manchester City fans in last 3 years around the globe?Recommend

  • Nida

    LOL. This was epic! A rare instance when I wrote LOL and actually did laugh out loud.Recommend

  • Hamza

    Umm No
    There are Manchester United fans in Pakistan, a team that did not have a very good season this year.
    There are Arsenal fans here, a team that won their first trophy in 9 years last month
    There are Liverpool fans, a team that’s won nothing since the past 25 years
    If you’ve never seen a single person supporting a team despite it’s losses, then you probably live in some remote village in interior Sindh.
    And still you say that Pakistani football fans are glory hunters? Maybe it’s you who doesn’t know heads or tails about football
    Oh and btw…..I support Belgium in international football. Does that make me a glory hunter? Because Belgium hasn’t really had any glory in the past in football.Recommend

  • Zubair

    True StoryRecommend

  • Abuzar Jamil

    So you only like cricket. That’s okay, no need to write such a long or “not a long” article about it.Recommend

  • What?

    What did I just read? That was awful. What’s happening to the Trib?Recommend

  • MHZ

    Hahahah.. Classic satire..
    I love this guy more and more. .Recommend

  • Zain

    It must be very painful. :pRecommend

  • Necromancer

    And then there is a fourth kind who writes such crappy blogs about footballRecommend

  • Fahd

    This article clearly shows you have no knowledge of football, so why dont you just stick to your satirical rap and leave the beautiful game alone. totally clueless article.Recommend

  • Sheikh Ronaldo

    Why do we have to bear a rant-full blog from a one-time-hit comedian-cum-singer ??

    My favorite teams are Argentine, Germany and Holland not due to their pretty female spectators but bcz of their awesome gameplay…Recommend

  • bill

    hahahaha. good one!Recommend

  • Stuck_in_a_drawer|5thDimension

    wtf was thatRecommend

  • Harristarr McLennon

    Liverpool haven’t won anything in 25 years?!?Recommend

  • GM

    ha ha u took ma wordsRecommend

  • abhi

    Nice!Recommend

  • Saad

    People who did not like this article do not understand comedy. Not every blog needs to have a point, some are just for humor and satirical purposesRecommend

  • Talha Masood

    I hate you ET moderators…..only 20% of my posts are published…and i dont know the reason…..those are not controversial, not racist…not religious ……but still!…you guys just ignore that…..acting like lazy-bumps

    i know now you will publish this crap…….Recommend

  • Rumi Khan

    Then there is another kind, who sounds like a wanna be writer, a singer cum writer, who don’t know a thing about social satire and being a critic, but in the effort becomes a derogatory and racist chap randomly moving from one point to another and in the end finishes it without making any point Recommend

  • Shahrukh Kazmi

    haha I can understand i am as offended as you are right now :DRecommend

  • SamSal

    It’s a blog. Need not have purpose!!Recommend

  • Syed Ramish

    Good to know people can purposely write such blithering nonsense on mainstream news-websites now.Recommend

  • Hamza

    Well the last time Liverpool won top-flight football in England was in 1990. They did win one Champions League title in between but that’s about it. So 24 years without any league title.Recommend

  • green chillipepper

    1)your blog shows you are never ever a football fan but readers are so you cant gv judgement about somethiong which yu hv never xperienced.Cz Pakistani’s support their favourite team whether it wins or losses.
    2) yu yourself has confused many things in order to write something epic :p
    3) citizens of Pindi are proud of their city ,,they hv a history ,, only some ppl with poor mentality have spread this inferiority complex around the country about the divergence btw ISB and Pindi,,, so better not say it. coz after all we all are Pakistani , a nation.Recommend

  • Waqas

    “Everyone in Pakistan needs to have an opinion about everything.”

    Even though many may not understand my comment and I will not get upvotes but I will do that anyway. You saeen, have serious recursion in your blog.Recommend

  • http://umairmarinda.wordpress.com/ Muhammad Umair Tariq

    I have supported FC Barcelona since early 2000s when their club was in shambles and the fact that I HATE cricket does that me less Pakistani than you Ali Gul Pir?Recommend