Lollywood lies

Published: October 19, 2010
Email

Lollywood flicks aren't exactly known for their realism.

Most of us are film-watchers. We love commenting on and reviewing every movie we see. However, locally-made movies seem to suffer from a set of idiosyncrasies which can observed in nearly all Lollywood films.

Singing

Songs are the soul of a film. No movie is a hit without good songs, right? It logically follows that if one can’t sing well, he or she is incapable of being a good hero/heroine/lover.  The ordinary-looking poor girl knows the ragas, sur and taal of music so well that even a qualified singer couldn’t hold a candle to her. Where do these people pick up the ability to sing like professionals?

Playing the piano

You’ll find a man from a poor family who is struggling to support his relatives, playing the piano wonderfully. When did he get the time to learn? Where exactly did he get the money to buy a piano and pay for lessons?

Mental telepathy

People in films need to have mental telepathy with their lovers. They need to know exactly when their lovers will break into song, so that they can complete the verse. Not only can lovers keep track of what their other half is doing at all times, they also know what the next line of their partner’s song will be.

Rain scenes

The drenched couple never catches a cold. Rain scenes should be used to advertise drugs for the flu and common cold. Although couples will spend hours singing songs and dancing in the rain, they will never so much as sneeze. Perhaps they should share their secret with ordinary people who want relief from respiratory illnesses.

Beautiful, terminally ill patients

The heroine is often on her death bed. The doctor diagnosed her as critically ill. She wears perfect makeup, her hair is straightened and she has no dark circles. Although she has lung cancer, it doesn’t prevent her from lustily singing in memory of her hero. Somehow, this doesn’t hurt her weak lungs.

Makeovers in the jungle

Lollywood loves scenes where couples are alone in the jungle. The heroine will be wearing a new dress for each shot, with fresh makeup and a new set of jewelry. Who straightens her hair, who irons her dresses, and who cooks her food? Why does she look so fresh even though she’s supposedly been starving for days?

Dancing in the fields – with no repercussions

In a country like ours, where we see so many cases of honor killing, somehow traditional girls can sing and dance in the fields without anybody batting an eyelid. Somehow, nobody kills or even notices her for it.  Apparently, we are very liberal and progressive – or at least that’s what the film industry would have us believe. Girls in short skirts perform vulgar dances and seduce men in public, in places where other women don’t even dare venture.

And then we wonder why our films always flop.

Sadaf Fayyaz

Sadaf Fayyaz

A freelance journalist, photographer, blogger and writer's take on life, culture, media and everything else.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • USL

    I hate to disappoint you but one doesn’t catch a cold or flu by “dancing in the rain”. It’s transmitted through a virus and well, basically that point is flat invalid. Also, lung cancer has nothing to do with the ability to sing. It’s the vocal cords that perform that function.

    The rest of it – certainly better than what you wrote last time. You’re still a long way from being remotely funny and sarcastic though. Nonsensism is more your kind. Stick to it :).Recommend

  • javeria siddique

    hi dear its awesome blog i must say and u show a true picture of local films takecareRecommend

  • http://grsalam.wordpress.com Ghausia

    Wait, why have I caught a flu countless times from staying out in the rain too long?

    Yay Sadaf! You always manage to pop up just when I need serious laugh therapy! This totally applies to Bollywood movies as well though, I really want to know how spontanoeus song and dance is so well choreographed, plus, apparently the ability to make up lyrics on the spot just isn’t that much of an uncommon talent. And here I thought I was special for being a good writer. :PRecommend

  • Shahid Ashraf

    Dear USL, there are some better ways to point out the flaws so that the person can do better next time.
    Dear Sadaf, I enjoyed this article, it made me smile and was a good revisit to the glory and golden days of Pakistani cenima.. But why didn’t you include Bollywood in it too!! In fact, almost all the movies of sub-continent follow the same pattern and people like it… :-)
    Good work in totalityRecommend

  • Fazeel

    hahaha I like the above comment by USL. Recommend

  • http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/author/13/syed-ali/ S. Ali Raza

    The real problem is the “thighs” on our film actresses, which are equivalent to the waist of Indian actresses… I believe you should be proposing this to the pharmaceuticals for making “rain scene” commercials for cold medicines. Should be good entertainment. Recommend

  • http://bakedsunshine.wordpress.com/ Shumaila

    USL, you need a healthy set of lungs to provide the air for you to sing, not just a pair of vocal cords. So a person with lung cancer who can sing lustily is just not realistic. Trust me on this, I’m a med student. ;)

    Sadaf, as usual, this post made me smile :)Recommend

  • D. Asghar

    Ms. Fayyaz, thanks for taking us into the “real world.” However most of the movie goers want to escape that “real world” and try to come for a dose of fantasy like “addicts.” An average movie goer knows what he is in for and what the flick would provide him/her. A bit of this and a bit of that. (
    You can fill the this and that with whatever tickles your taste buds). :)

    But the most important question that we have to ask, does “Lollywood” even matter at this point in time? I am not trying to be a devil’s advocate here. The market has a lot of stock and in the end the buyer will go for the better product.

    I wrote a piece on Lollywood, a while back and one of these days, I will send it over to the blog editors here and hopefully they will post it. I am sure you will enjoy it. Humble regards.Recommend

  • Maryam

    I am sorry , but this blog was disappointing….i didnt even read it till the end
    come on ….thats a movie, be it lollywood, bollywood or hollywood, its gona be the same..
    there is a difference between reality and film….

    try to take movies lightly and for the sake of enjoyment only.Recommend

  • Hamza Baloch

    what a pathentic analysis.
    this kind of things hapened in holloy wood also.
    and by the way in

    Makeovers in the jungle

    i saw this video three tims.heorine dress was same in complete song.by the way that not jungle, its murree.. :)Recommend

  • ebby

    nice article Sadaf…u r very right about he lollywood movies.Recommend

  • Yousaf

    I hope that there are some directors in the Lollywood who can read your article!! best of luck. Recommend

  • lalit

    if they start showing the usual and minus – theatrics kind of stuff on silver screen, hardly anyone would go and watch it in cinema halls, specially when one has to pay for it.in this part of world people watch movies to escape cruel realities of life.to recommend these realities in movies does’nt seem a palatable proposition.moreover dance and music has been an integral part of sub continental life.an artiste is entitled to some creative liberties and one should not search for a documentry in a feature film.Recommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    Can they make films on some decent and serious topics? OCD< ADD, Autism, Shezo, Parao noia, trade, or any other? Recommend

  • Ayesha

    This is art… You need to have suspension of disbelief to appreciate it.Recommend

  • Tyrone Tellis

    Interesting how the three woods sisters had a same formula in the 50s but then Holly ran away and decided to almost never to sing and dance. Bolly and Lolly stuck to their roots and swayed on.

    Interestingly could the not so favorable portrayal of women in films here be part of the cause for eve teasing and harrassment?

    Even in modern day India the much praised Bollywood has the gal being chased by the guy to the point of being stalked and she eventually falls for him. 9/10 times thats the formula.

    I think that sends wrong messages to the youth doesn’t it?Recommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    @Tyron, all are ideas,,,,,,and beautiful ideas that make money……..even Bolloywood isnt free of it……..this film formula……………….and the problem of an “item song” that is really important with some jhatkas and thumkas…………Recommend

  • http://grsalam.wordpress.com Ghausia

    Hollywood movies do have song and dance, they’re called musicals. And yeah Bollywood is the same, but Rang De Basanti, Taare Zameen Par, My Name Is Khan, totally worth watching because of the content at least. With Bollywood you can fast forward the songs for the plot and with Lollywood you just end up fast forwarding your way through the entire thing.

    I remember once a long time ago I was channel surfing when I came across an ample-bosomed woman who threw away her dupatta and then stretched out her arms beaming with her face lifted to the sky. Then there was a male voice that said “Eh chicita” and the woman turned in fear to see a bunch of ugly, horrible, dirty, oily, moustached men leering at her. Then the chicita dude said “Waat a beauty” and then another dude popped up and killed all the baddies and the song started. That was when I broke out of shocked daze, screamed and changed the channel. The horror. I still have nightmares about it.Recommend

  • Hasnat

    Pathetic Article!I mean this applies to the countless Bollywood Films aswell so why blame Lollywood only?Infact there are some other severe reasons rather than that were put up in the article!Recommend

  • maheen usmani

    Most of Lollywood’s films are cringeworthy due to some of the reasons Sadaf has outlined. Much as people here may hate to admit it, Bollywood is leagues ahead of our Lollywood. Interesting blog, Sadaf :) Recommend

  • http://sadaf-fayyaz.blogspot.com/ SadafFayyaz

    Boolywwod suffers from the same…………But they know how to handle it…………not totally unrealistisc like Lollywood……..they are……..Recommend

  • laila

    you need to sharpen your sarcasm skills, not funny enough :SRecommend

  • R. Querieshi

    If you look at investors of Lollywood, I think our films are better than even Hollywood with that kind of crowd! The moment we bring a few decent people, not beloging to the families of dead Badmaash, our film industry will grow very fast.Recommend