I will not quit my job just because I am married

Published: July 27, 2014
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God blessed me with an education, skills and a career to help me make a living for myself, so then why should I live the life of a slave? PHOTO: REUTERS

“Yes, I cannot quit my job. I am a career-oriented woman, and I have put in years and years of hard work to get to where I am today.”

Rija’s fiancé decided to end their relationship when she explained to him that her career would hold a certain amount of priority in her life after they tie the knot.

“Why are careers important for men only? Why do most Pakistani men not want their women to work and excel in their profession?” asked Rija sadly.

I didn’t know what to say to her, but am thankful that their relationship ended before they got married. Things could become bad and she wouldn’t have had a way out… like me. She is lucky to have found out what his intention was before marrying him; now she can pursue her dreams. I, on the other hand, am still trying to convince my husband to let me step out of the house to work.

 “When I proposed to you five years ago, you were not this obsessed with your career. I thought you would submit to my demands,” says my husband now, irritably.

Aghast I asked him why he thought I had become obsessed with my work. I asked him to explain the cause to me. He had no answer. But I did.

I became obsessed with my work because I was sick of being treated like a cook and a maid. I am not an uneducated, dependent woman who will bear this disrespectful treatment. God blessed me with an education, skills and a career to help me make a living for myself, so then why should I live the life of a slave?

I was lost when he gave me an ultimatum; he asked me to either quit my job or quit my marriage. He says he wants to start a family and for that I would have to leave my job for at least 10 years. I had a miscarriage in the first trimester of my pregnancy and have not been able to conceive since then. Now I find myself being split between five years of marriage with my husband and eight years of hard work on my career. I don’t understand why I would have to choose between the two. What pains me the most is feeling unloved by my husband. Writing is my passion but my husband is my love. I want to save my marriage – not to maintain my social status but – because I truly truly love him. I just wish he knew that…

My husband does not help me financially in any way. He runs the kitchen of the house but that is it. He says that if I leave my job, he will bear all my expenses but I do not see why we should be financially burdened when I have the ability to earn. I don’t need financial assistance; I am capable of earning a decent living myself.

I was brought up in a family where my father was the sole breadwinner; he had many mouths to feed but he made sure that each one of his children were well-educated and could stand on their own two feet. When I decided to go abroad to pursue further studies, my parents were immensely supportive. And while people passed remarks about how appalling it was that I was sent to the UK alone, my parents brushed off all the unkindness and continued to encourage me. In such a situation, would it be wise to bid farewell to a career for which I struggled so hard? Yes, I cannot guarantee that I will not have any financial problems, but I have skills that we can rely on to lift us out of our plight.

My husband was also educated abroad and works at a multinational company right now, but he behaves like a typical Pakistani man who believes a woman’s place is at home and, perhaps, near a stove or a baby. He earns a reasonable amount and I am willing to work part-time – we could easily afford a baby-sitter but he refuses to listen. He wants me to submit to each one of his whims and fancies but refuses to give in to my wishes even once. Why? Why should a woman be considered a baby-making machine or a free of charge house maid?

Even after five years of marriage, I still feel like an outsider in his family. We are culturally different and, unfortunately, abuse is not considered out of the ordinary. A year ago, I confided in my mother-in-law about something that was bothering me, but instead of hearing me out, she interrupted me and was quick to say,

“A woman is like a shoe, if it doesn’t fit, throw it away and get another.”

I was shocked and insulted. I wasn’t brought up in an environment where women were made to feel inferior so her words pinched harder than I had expected, but then I reminded myself that one could not expect anything better from an uneducated person. But my husband is educated and he sat there silently. Not once did he correct his mother’s ignorant and derogatory statement nor did he try to assure me that he thinks any differently.

If I am not able to produce a child, who is to say that my husband will not succumb to his mother’s mindset and marry someone else? Who is to say that he will not leave me for another woman?

Girls like Rija are lucky to have found out about the ways of their partners in the initial stages of their relationship because women like me have no option but to lose their career that took years to build or lose the men they love.

Ishrat Ansari

Ishrat Ansari

The author works at The Express Tribune.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • JB

    With all due respect to the author as this is a completely personal issue and I have no right to criticise someone on this; however, in my own personal opinion, its not the fact that the wife is the ‘domestic servant’ in the house. I believe both husband and wife have a certain role in the family. Whereas the husband manages the finances, the wife is responsible for running the house. Where the wife also works, whether for career, whether for fun or whether out of necessity; some aspect of the family always gets ignored. It may be the kids, or even the husband. Again, this is not to imply that the wife is the domestic servant of the house. She has every right to work but I personally feel not at the expense of family. There are a lot women who handle both jobs perfectly; but at the same time I have seen kids being ignored and becoming distant from their parents where both parents are working.Recommend

  • M.

    Lady, it’s not about how much you love him, it’s about how much you love yourselfRecommend

  • Feroz

    What comes out of this is that education does not make one a liberal. If any family treats its women as inferior and chattel, all men of that family whatever the education will continue the practice. Being educated in Pakistan, Japan or the US has nothing to do with it.Recommend

  • Fighter Man

    If Pakistani woman has decided to ruin her Family system then what we men can do. West has already ruined his Family system and now Pakistani Women is on the same path on the name of Financially independence.Recommend

  • sj

    it doesnt really matter if the husband works here in a multinational. Pakistani guys have this tendency to selectively adapt the traits that favor them even when the live abroad but challenge their ego, they will react like the lamest guy on the planet!Recommend

  • zain

    In most cases its the women who are eager to leave their jobs as soon as they get married.Recommend

  • Manahil

    I can’t find this ‘love’ your husband seems to have for you. Because clearly, he does not. Someone who doesn’t respect you and support you does not LOVE you. He just loves what he wants you to be, NOT who you really are. Recommend

  • BlackJack

    In my view, the most important factor that determines maturity and progressiveness of a society is financial independence and work-force participation of women. Apart from the obvious economic benefits of having a larger earning population, it is really important that women are freed from the purse-strings, draw-strings and puppet-strings of men – naturally for the women (who can see themselves as independent individuals instead of just unpaid labor or reproductive vessels) but also for the men (who only gradually lose their misguided sense of entitlement – both of women as property or in terms of propriety).Recommend

  • Sarah B. Haider

    Brace yourself….. The religious comments are coming Recommend

  • Malveros

    Feel sorry for her.Recommend

  • joji

    this is too complicated, i dont have job and dont think i will find it.

    the gap between the rich – the middle class – the poor have simple gone beyond contract. they are not connect and cannot be reconciled

    …and good luch with your personal life!Recommend

  • Syeda Ali

    Really don’t know what would it take to change man’s mentality in our society. Working women are not given respect at work or at home. But what we as women must know for sureis that we have to stand for ourselves. Respect ourselves, believe in ourselves and the fact that we are right in demanding respect and space for ourselves. Women have to be stronger like you to fight the society and its illogical norms and stand up for themselves. Succesful women in corporate world is the best answer… Recommend

  • Lt Col Imtiaz Alam(retd)

    All marriages do not meet your fate. As a Muslim woman you have an Islamic & cultural responsibility as a wife & mother. Seek the answer in the Quran & Sunnah. Islam gives you the right to call it quits. It will not be the right choice if you both are attached to each other , respect each other and above all if you want to raise a family. Give it a sober thought.Recommend

  • Taimoor Hasan Qazi

    Seems the problem is with the marriage, despite you claiming that you dearly love your husband, I think its time you see the writing on the wall, and come to a mutually acceptable solution – separation (at least on a trial basis for a few months). Never settle!Recommend

  • Secular

    ‘we could easily afford a baby-sitter ‘

    can you assure that the love which mother gives to her baby while looking after her would be given by the baby sitter?
    Why do you think that looking after your baby is the dumbest job ?
    For me its the best job on the planet..

    are the mothers who are looking after their babies 24/7 and the ones who choose their babies fate in the hands of baby sitters, are going to have their children grown up in same mental state ?
    If YES then think over it again, if NO then choose the thing that is important for you either your baby or career/job..Recommend

  • Muhammad Taqi

    This mentality is pushing us backward. What will happen to the country if half of your work force is not allowed to have quality education or contribute at work? I feel ashamed as a man when men behave like this. Keep highlighting these issues and things will change insha Allah!Recommend

  • SamarYz

    Most of our girls are married off before they can figure out what they want in their lives. Like a friend said, ”My mum says it’s better to find a young bride for your son so that you can MOULD her”.Recommend

  • Hasan

    ” I will not quite my job just because I am married”, and neither should you nor be expected to!

    It truly does make me sad to hear about what you are going through. I think more than lack of education, working women make men feel less masculine. I guess they have insecurities about their manhood somehow and when their wives are independent, they feel it magnifies their shortcomings. A man has to be secure in his manhood to be able to allow his wive to pursue her career. This is my conclusion.

    How can a nation expect to prosper when one half of it’s population is not allowed to contribute and just expected to sit at home and make round ‘rotis’? I for one am secure in my manhood, I would like my wife to go out and take on the world.

    Actually I hope she manages to earn more than me, so I can spend more on my ‘wasteful’ hobbies! :PRecommend

  • Misha Khan

    Wow, this was so brave.Recommend

  • Shan

    As much as I disagree with all the random things the author has written, with due respect I’d like to pinpoint some basic misconceptions. A working “career oriented” woman, even in the west (which has mostly influenced our people) clean and cook for themselves and make babies and raise a family and go on “maternity leave” and they don’t whine and yes in-laws will be in-laws. And baby making machine? You have insulted women yourself. Women have to be near a baby because the give “birth” to a baby. The people in Pakistan are the only ones who can easily afford a cook, maid and a baby sitter, people who live abroad do all these things simultaneously. That’s a career oriented person, not someone who considers herself above everyone and can get help for everything else, if family and marriage weren’t your priority, you were independent, why did you get married? And after marriage, normal couple want to start a family. This article is a ridicule. I, as a woman who has a “real” career, education and two kids and a very understanding pakistani husband, am highly offended by this.Recommend

  • Viki

    A female should not work as some one’s subordinate if her husbnad earns reasonable amount. I think building a family is more important than building a career. Rija should submit to her husband’s will as he should be the one responsible of family affairs Recommend

  • A Salman

    Men in our society only think of their daughters and not wivesRecommend

  • Tipu

    Nice artical Ms Ishrat. It is a bitter fact that our society is never gonna change. They will keep treating women like a property or an animal till the last day of this world. Geologically we all are hindus and despite of our religious differences our culture is same and because of culture from day one Asians treat women far more worst than the animals.

    Only thing we can do is that we hope and struggle to change this sick mindset of our society.Recommend

  • Visibly

    Leave him now and find a man tat appreciate you as a woman and a professional. If not for you, at least do it for your future daughters.Recommend

  • beyondhorizon

    One should not wash one’s laundry in public. Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    I am sick and tired of these so called faminazis who portray woman as the breadwinners. If you are not going to quit your job then what do you propose? Do you want your husband to quit his job and look after the kids? Or do you want your kids to be brought up in the hands of maids and ayas?
    This kind of so called progressive women have completely destroyed the notion that being a housewife IS A FULL-TIME JOB.
    There is NOTHING wrong with quitting your job to look after your kids. IF you work all day, come home tired and are therefore not there when your kids need you then your selfishness is astounding.
    and PLEASE do not say that you can take care of the kids and do your job at the same time. no matter what you say, there is no way that your working fulltime will not have a detrimental effect on your children.Recommend

  • Faraz Talat

    Nor should you.

    No woman should ever have to relinquish her financial independence because of marriage. A man who knows his wife has no choice but to stay with him for financial support will nearly always take advantage of the power at one point or another. It’s not that men are bad, but it’s human nature to make use of the power you have over others.

    A man who knows that his spouse has ‘options’, will be more mindful of her needs, and more appreciative of her importance to the household.Recommend

  • maggu

    Go girl go!! More power to you!!Recommend

  • Ahmed

    Please lose the man. He does not deserve you.Recommend

  • Mohammed Ali

    While I admire the determination shared by the female writer, one should realize natures way of carrying forward a generation. Nature has put the responsibility of breadwinning to the man and the nurturing and care of the future generation to the woman. Whereas men may need to stop asserting their dominance, females should understand their role in a marriage.

    man and woman are equal. Once you become husband and wife the roles change. Do not enter into marriage if you are not willing to let go or take up responsibilities.Recommend

  • S. Israr Ali

    A rare quality and indeed an intrepid girl. She is the real cynosure of eye of society and deserve all admiration.Recommend

  • NAM

    First of all, I’m sorry about what you’re going through. I’m also a career-oriented woman so I know exactly what you’re talking about. Although I am single, my father always talks about how “I will ruin my home if I become too involved in my career”. You have no idea how many battles I had to fight just to get permission to drive and the permission to work. This is every educated Paksitani woman’s battle and I really hope the Pakistani chauvinistic attitude of men would change soon.
    About what your mother-in-law said, I am totally appalled yet not appalled at the same time. Sometimes it’s the women more than men who suppress and degrade other women. My grandma did that too.
    I applaud your courage and your patience. I hope you make the right decision at the end of your road (whatever that may be for you). Just know that you’re not alone, there are hundreds (if not thousands) out here who are facing the same problems. If you ask me, don’t quit your job because of anyone else. Love is important, but in Paksitan we consider a proper marriage the basic purpose of a girl’s life. News flash – it’s not. There are things less important than love; but there are things more important that love too. Think about yourself and do what your heart tells you. Till then, I wish you good luck. You have my respect, my empathy and my prayers.Recommend

  • Ayesha

    I have sympathy for you But did the miscarriage occur while you were working?

    Find a compromise. Start a work that can be done while staying at home.Recommend

  • AaA

    Oh no. Not another feminist article.

    Recommend

  • Alina Javed Siddiqui

    I’m so soRecommend

  • K Alam

    “because women like me have no option but to lose their career that took years to build or lose the men they love.”….these lines sum up your narrative. Job and love are two different things yet linked together…and relationships are build on mutual trust, respect, and understandingRecommend

  • Kiran

    Why would you stay with a man who does not respect your wishes? I’m sorry but isn’t marriage meant to be 50/50…and if he happens to be one of those “Islams says so…” type of guy then just mention how the Prophet SAW first wife was a business woman, who was in fact his employer…If I was you, I would stand up for my rights instead of feeling sorry for myselfRecommend

  • Gp65

    A difficult subject written with empathy and compassion. Wish you good luck whatever you choose.Recommend

  • Moiz Omar

    Why is it always the female that needs to quit her job? Recommend

  • Mehwish

    She has mentioned that not even a part time job is acceptable to her husband. The thing is that if he cares about her self-actualization needs then he would compromise on somethings and she would compromise on others. That is how it happens. However, he does not want to give her financial freedom. This he and she constitute a vast proportion of couples where the wife desires to work.Recommend

  • Arsha

    In west men take a fair share of responsibility for managing the house and taking care of kids when wife is working. Men r not brought up to consider housework beyond their sphere of responsibility – infact most times the house work is divided as in who takes care of cooking, who does the cleaning, dishes, laundry , etc.
    I personally know men who gave up their jobs to take care of the kids when the wife had a higher earning potential .
    Now can you compare to the situation and mindset in Asia?Recommend

  • umar

    I am now sick of this self made storiesRecommend

  • Xyz

    And what is your take on women regularly oppressed and exploited just because they don’t have financial independence? What advice would u have if your daughter gets abused by her husband or the husband decides to remarry, etc etc.
    And please do not say that women are not abused or exploited in Pakistan. It happens in every 2nd or 3rd home in some form or other.Recommend

  • TSil

    a article by a feminist…. hatred and denigration for the woman who is very happy and satisfied in her housewife roles…

    You feminazis opine that raising a healthy family is a crime and somehow becoming a corporate slave and getting thrown money at your face at the end of the month is very superior…

    The west is already facing the problems of feminism where women are depressed because they re in their 30s and 40s and they still cant anyone to marry and have a family,…They live alone since men have dumped them or just use them as a commodity…

    So be careful of the path you tread and stop misguiding you fellow women…

    People can read Men on Strike – By Helen smith to get a good perspective of ill effects of feminism in the westRecommend

  • Sid

    Actually there are so many issues going on at one time in your life but my dear in this society where we live everybody expect from a woman to show flexibility n surrender but if your husband is taking your complete responsibility then why do you think that you are a maid or cook?? Only a woman turns a house into home, I may sound very typical but I myself is doing mphil which all I could do cz of my husband’s support n had an experience of job too before n after marriage n I belong to media where there are no defined timings of your work but I think for last 4 years I’m at home raising kids meanwhile I completed my mphil course work n doing thesis now but I never thought myself as maid or cook bcz I wanna see my family happy , I know if I stiff my neck on doing job then everybody will suffer n how can you trust a paid person to raise your kid the way u wanna c them growing??? I know it gets depressing most of the times but this is better than having divorce n go back to your parents. Finances are not the only thing in sustaining marriage but it needs a lot n unfortunately , a women is the giver most n most of the time . Invest your education n intelligence on your kids May Allah bless you with them then you’ll find a real happiness cz you yourself know that what is the status of a divorcee in our society cz no matter how much we talk about liberalism , so called modernism but we will remain the same from inner self n this is the fact . Yes but I discourage the behaviour problems of your husband but this is another truth that we have lots of educated uneducated people around us. Recommend

  • BlackJack

    Respect!Recommend

  • BlackJack

    Respect!Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    The article is about a woman who wants to go to work instead of staying at home. You on the other hand have tried your best to twist it and turn it into an argument about oppression of women. SO please tell me,
    Is a man who is asking his wife to stay in a comfortable home so that she can look after her children , a bad man? Is this an abusive husband? is he “exploiting” her by telling her that he will work hard day and night so that she can stay in a comfortable home and be with her children?
    Please DO NOT EVER trivialize abuse, what this woman mentioned is not abuse, its selfishness on the woman’s part.Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    financial freedom? what about the children? if she is working and a babysitter which she so freely mentioned is caring for the children then where are the rights of the children?
    Does a man not even have the right to ask that his children are brought up in a good way?
    You think that financial freedom of a woman is above her duties as a mother?
    your naivety alarms me very much.Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    because she is the mother and children have needs which only mothers know.
    tell me how many men can “feed” a child, they are not built physically or psychologically to take on the role of mothers. to be frank your question was very naive. it was almost childishRecommend

  • baba

    Because man cannot breast feed the baby.Recommend

  • Shaha

    Staying at home does not make woman inferior to man. They are equal and if she prefers to stay at home then man must care for her.Recommend

  • SHS

    How would this model play out if the man was helping out with with the home (cooking, laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc) but at the same time was also solely responsible for the meeting all the financial obligations of running the household as well, even if the woman was working full time and had a respectable income?Recommend

  • H.M.T.

    Since when did marriage mean quitting your job? Especially if you are a woman. A woman can have a successful career and still have a family, especially once children start school. The only difference is that both parents have to contribute to house hold tasks and raising the kids. A concept which some people still living in the 19th century fail to grasp.

    “I am sick and tired of these so called faminazis”
    Why do you hate women so much?Recommend

  • Iftekhar Khokhar

    This is a misogynist society, therefore, we should expect such incidents here. Our backwardness & failure to progress can, by & large, be attributed to the aforementioned mindset.Recommend

  • Ambreen Malik

    The right to make a choice about whether to work or not work after marriage should reside with the woman in consultation with the partner. And all those who believe that a mother MUST stay home to bring up “ideal” Kids….!! Whom are you kidding? We all have see enough ill mannered brats produced by stay home moms. We can see quite a few down here in the comment section. You cannot force 51% of a country to stay home and only raise kids and cook food. Its about a choice! who ever wants to work and raise a family must get the support and encouragement. Who ever wants to stay home and raise family must be respected. Hope the author’s troubles go away. But a man who does not respect your fair and just priorities is not worth wasting your time with. It takes two to tango in a happy marriage!Recommend

  • Ambreen Malik

    Its about being able to choose and make a decision herself! oh wait…. you people don’t understand the word “choose”Recommend

  • Ali Saqib

    I second you;A true lady rejects such views because you are portraying Rija’s Fiancé which doesn’t represent our whole society just one case in thousands should not consider as norm.a respectful and responsible lady of today is more concerned about her family,prefers staying home building her future by raising her kids to compete/cope world much better than working for few thousands,moreover she can still full fill her passion and hobbies parallel when ever she has some spare time.Recommend

  • Kulwnt Singh

    Strange logic she is not a slave she is a wife and if his husband is adamant it is better to leave him it is not the end of life she can find a man who cares for her listen to her opinion than this man who dictates like a master.Recommend

  • Ahmad, Zubaid

    no kidding sherlockRecommend

  • SalmanZQ

    The world is progressing ahead and here we are arguing about the right of a woman to work. That sums up our state. Sickening mentality of men in Pakistan just makes me throw up!Recommend

  • Moiz Omar

    OK. To that point it makes sense but what about after the baby has stopped breast feeding?Recommend

  • Moiz Omar

    You seriously think just because a person is male, he is incapable of feeding a child? Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/shoaib_112 Mirza Shoaib Ahmad Jarral

    this kind of thoughts which you both have in your mind mam Mehvish!(Writer too) creates sickness and nation gap even in your family. If you are so-called inspired by western’s sick norms,which are almost having 85% collapsed family relations…then why don’t you stop thinking about marriage.because you even don’t know about a single thing about Islam.You belong to English Troll!
    Financial Freedom for what? you wanna fulfil your own needs or its about kids? I think so your men do it well but its just lust of money and extreme of selfishness.
    May he show you right way to think.Good luck!Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    No. you are very wrong. This should NEVER be up for decision.
    According to you a woman’s role as a mother is up for decision, you cannot be more wrong.
    Tbh a mother who leaves her children in the hands of incompetent ayas, massis and maids while she runs off to work should be legally prosecuted. The kids have rights too you know.Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    the term means “an extreme or militant feminist”. you misunderstood the English word and then made an argument based on your lack of knowledge of English language. I am writing this reply just to inform you about the meaning of the word so that you can understand my comment.Recommend

  • Gp66

    A woman can express her milk ia pump. Many working women in US do just that. Thus even though mother os not with kid all the time, child gets mother’s milk.Recommend

  • Gp6(

    Studies have shown that when a mother is employed outside the home it has a beneficial impact on the kids. http://www.nbcnews.com/health/kids-health/working-moms-may-be-helping-their-kids-study-finds-n132301Recommend

  • H.M.T.

    Bravo! Sadly, the top comment goes to show how widespread misogyny is in South Asia. If there is one thing that Indians and Pakistanis have in common, it’s their treatment of women.Recommend

  • H.M.T.

    Women who work are far less likely to be exploited and abused. As it happens, having a fat pay-check gives you power at home (just like in the outside world). Pakistan with its high rate of domestic violence and abuse could use a few more working women.Recommend

  • H.M.T.

    “lack of knowledge of English language”

    I know exactly what the word means, it is derogatory term. Equating Nazism with women asking for equal rights is wrong on so many levels.Recommend

  • mano

    You have no idea about western family relations. Families in west are much more stronger than ours.Recommend

  • Maximus Decimus Meridius

    you do not understand the point and start ranting. a woman who works ABUSES her children by leaving them in hands of incompetent maids and ayaas. Going to work has nothing to do with being abused or not. show me ONE SINGLE study conducted in PAKISTAN which proves this and i will try to believe you. till then, try to understand sth before you comment on it.Recommend

  • s

    hmm “there is no way that your working full-time will not have a detrimental effect on your children” …my mom worked full-time (she is the best mom in the world btw) she did not coddle us but taught us to hold our own. I am 32 years old now and even now she is my only best friend. I think her working full-time is what made her such an awesome mother. Unlike stay at home moms she had a wider more progressive world view and was able to advise us better when we came to her. She was a strong woman and taught me how to be one too. My father, in my opinion, is the most supportive husband and the most supportive.He NEVER tried to dictate to her how to be a mother (cuz you see he knew that he was not a mother and thus knew nothing about how to be one). My mother never tried to teach him about his responsibilities as a father either. They worked as a team, a team we (the kids) knew we could ALWAYS count on. Most importantly we NEVER saw them fight up until I was in my late twenties (when my mom and dad finally started confiding in me about their problems) i actually though my parents NEVER fought and had the most perfect marriage ever – soul mates and everything lol! Well, its not true they had their problems – but they were strong enough to know the importance of instilling this belief in their children :) – THAT’s solid parenting! So don’t you try and tell me you know anything about parenting.Recommend

  • Nobody

    With respect to your opinion, a simple solution to the problem of children or housework being neglected: men put in their share at home. That way both work outside and both work inside. I’ve seen many harmonious marriages here in the states and a common thread in many: both are willing to work in both spheres and neither feels overburdened. It is no longer considered only the responsibility of a woman to take care of the house just as it’s no longer considered only the responsibility of a man to handle all finances on his own. When men are not willing to put in work at home to support their wife, problems naturally arise.
    Cheers.Recommend

  • Nobody

    West has ruined it’s family system for a number of different reasons and I can bet women being free to choose their life path is not one of them. The problem arises when women are ready to move forward and men are rigid and holding on desperately to outdated customs. When men put in equal work inside and outside as do women, the problems reduce. The problem is not women progressing, it is men who are NOT progressing at an equal pace. And financial independence should be a right not a privilege allotted only to men.
    Cheers.Recommend

  • Nobody

    Financial freedom is a right not a privilege allotted only to men.
    If she is working why doesn’t the father, who is ALSO an equal parent, take on his half of the household responsibilities as many men in younger generations now do? What about the right’s of the mother/wife? She can be an incubator to bring these babies into the world but has no right to decide anything after that? Is her life no longer her own? What a frighteningly outdated school of thought.
    Yes, I and many others think financial freedom and personal rights are above much else. If a COUPLE has children, it is the duty of the COUPLE to give up some of their other freedoms for a while and raise the child TOGETHER, as a COUPLE. Women do not magically become pregnant on their own. It takes two people to make a baby and two people to raise a baby.
    Does a woman not have a right to have the freedom to choose what she wants in life and expect a man to support her in the same way she would support him?
    Your archaic point of view and sexism alarms me very much.
    Cheers.Recommend

  • Nobody

    Let’s give that logic a bit of spice…Men who procreate and then do nothing to raise the baby or do not contribute to the workload should be prosecuted. And men who only focus on ONE thing and consider it their only responsibility belong in a minimum security prison.
    This mindset has stopped entire nations from progressing and we are seeing the consequences of that.
    And before you go there, no, the family setup breaking in the West is not solely due to women. Women are progressing, men are not. Therein lies the problem. When men catch up, the family unit succeeds without trouble. I am a product of one such household and I was never neglected or unhappy. I had a fantastic childhood and couldn’t have asked for more.

    Yes kids have rights. And so do WOMEN – the right to choose if they even want to be a mother. The right to choose to marry and who to marry. The right to demand their fair share of rights and the right to have a life EVEN AFTER they have children. They are not mindless soulless drones following the birth of a child. They are as much entitled to having an identity as anyone else. Pakistanis are slow to progress and are falling far behind largely due to this mentality. Half of the workforce is at home restricting economic progress and with nothing else to do, they’re having too many babies, many that they cannot afford which further increases poverty levels and perpetuates the vicious cycle you see today in developing countries.
    Ask yourself whether you want an incubator or a wife/partner/friend.
    Cheers.Recommend

  • Nobody

    How about the husband find a compromise and put in more work at home and around the house so things are not neglected? This expectation that the woman needs to be the only one making sacrifices is part of the problem, not the solution.
    Cheers.Recommend

  • Nobody

    So many things wrong in that comment. Instead of spewing typical anti-west vitriol, try having a better, unbiased understanding of reality here.
    P.S. A lot of women don’t WANT to get married and are as likely to use men as a one time commodity as men. Whether one condones or condemns that behavior I’m simply pointing out that women are not mindless idiots being led around by big bad men. These women live alone because they CAN and WANT to have a life of their own.
    Cheers.Recommend

  • H.M.T.

    “you do not understand the point and start ranting”
    I’m not the one writing in CAPS LOCK. Calm down buddy.

    “a woman who works ABUSES her children”
    Children go to school from 8 am to 3 pm. That’s more than enough time to have a full time job. Working mothers do not abuse their children. I don’t think child abuse is the right word. Maybe neglect is the word you were looking for but even then I would have to disagree with you. If the father helps in the child rearing process then that is not a problem.

    “ONE SINGLE study conducted in PAKISTAN”
    Sadly, they aren’t many studies conducted in Pakistan of any sort. We don’t exactly have a bustling research scene. That said they are plenty of studies that were conducted abroad, many in other developing countries. What applies to women in one country applies to women everywhere, especially if it something as straight forward as the positive socio-economic effects (both at the macro and micro level) of working. You make it sound like Pakistani women are a different species. Recommend

  • Aria

    And does a woman not have the right that the man takes equal responsibility for the care of children? Did he get a wife just so that she could have his kids and take care of them? What about her own sense of security, accomplishment and well being? What about her intellectual development? Why is it only the woman’s responsibility to care for the child? And what if the man also decides to be dominant, abusive, uncaring towards the wife but she has to stick with him cause of no option to support herself?

    Men very easily thrust the responsibility on women to stay at home and bring up the kids. Do they ever ensure that men take responsibility for happiness, safety and security of their women? How common is domestic violence and emotional abuse in Pakistan…. Any idea?Recommend

  • Arsha

    Why would the man take sole responsibility of household expenses if the woman was also working? Most women who work contribute to the home just like men do. I Recommend

  • Lt Col Imtiaz Alam(retd)

    The Quran is very clear that the bread earner is the man. So why aspire for something Allah has not enjoined for you.Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/shoaib_112 Mirza Shoaib Ahmad Jarral

    haha wao…you know what,you are so funny!Recommend

  • Saadia Zeeshan

    A female transforms into a mother after having kids. Thus she should think in that way. No one can take care of kids better than mother. A child has to learn the values and traditions of a family. If a maid will look after the kids then he/she will portray the teachings of maid. Moreover, the responsibility of bread winning is bestowed upon a male by islam. If her husband is earning a handsome money and is ready to bear her expenses, then I can not understand why she is so eager to continue her job and place her kids at the mercy of maids. A female is safe and protected at home. Naan Nafqa is the responsibility of male. Let him do his job. I am also a working woman of two kids. A working woman after returning from job can not give a quality time to her kids. They will be ignored for sure. Ladies, think as mothers not as females. If your husband can support you financially, then please stay at home and look after kids. They need your love and care.Recommend

  • Syeda KAzmi

    so cleaning and cooking makes u a maid?? i mean come on.. even if u choose to work u still have to manage home as there could be multiple reasons for that…I used to work and manage home because my timings were such that I had no maid available in that time slot and i wasn’t opting for a full time maid, though m not married but the only female in family with brothers and father… but the fight to go out and work was same.. Forget about the restriction to work, what I have learned is that a woman is more sensitive about the needs of her family either a father, brother, husband or kids… Ask yourself, would you compromise on their needs and choose to work instead? Even my father allowed me to work happily but at times i left things when he needed me… i agree that the choice should be solely yours to work or not to work, but doing justice to your kids and husband is also your responsibility…Recommend

  • mano

    No I am not. But I am sure ignorance is bliss :)Recommend

  • S Muneeb

    You should quit your work dear as you yourself say you love your husband very much. Pls don’t spoil your life for money. Let him earn for you and He will give barkat in your family income and who knows Allah will even bless you with lovely kids Inshallah :) Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/shoaib_112 Mirza Shoaib Ahmad Jarral

    now this time i agree.be blessed.Recommend

  • Faryal

    My mother was a housewife and my cousins mother is a working man. Personally I don’t see any difference in how we’ve been raised. Of course my mother was 24/7 there but so was my father, he worked night shifts. My cousins parents, both full time workers, I’ve realised their kids are more healthy, determined, successful and more loved than us. To survive in this world…you need to work, family is support of that work.Recommend

  • hoorum

    i’ll pray for you .. In Sha ALLAH you will find an open door … how could your mother in law say such a thing taubah !! jahiliat …Recommend

  • Uzair Imran Qazi

    nice blog,good storyRecommend