Welcome to Hypocristan

Published: April 27, 2014
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“Kaleem Sahib, how are you? I am fine jee, thanks to Allah (swt). Sir, please do not worry. Your file will be processed soon. Sir if you scratch our back, we’ll scratch yours,” Usman says while looking at Jamal.

“Feudalism is the root of all evil in our country, baita,” Ms Naheed, who runs a renowned non-government organisation (NGO), explains to Saleem, a friend of her son.

“The worsening moral, social, economic and political crisis Pakistan is going through is due to the elitist mentality of the powerful feudal lords. They deny children the right to education and treat them like slaves.”

Saleem jots down the key points of the discussion. He has to submit an article on ‘Feudalism in Pakistan’ for the campus magazine next week.

As soon as she finishes her sentence, they hear the sound of breaking glass.

Ms Naheed gets up and opens the door of the guest room to see what has happened.

Slap!

Jahil, ganwaar larki!” 

(You illiterate, uneducated girl!)

Saleem hears Ms Naheed yelling.

“Do you know how expensive that glass was? Clean this mess. I shall talk to your mother about this.”

Ms Naheed comes back into the room and sits on the sofa.

“Sorry baitakam karnay wali bachi thiAik bohat mehenga glass tor diya usne,” she explains.

(Sorry son, it was the domestic help. She broke a very expensive glass.)

Saleem nods and closes his notebook.

_______________

Yaar, this bribe-taking culture has to end,” says Waqas, sitting in the passenger seat of the car.

“Absolutely,” replies Ahsan, while honking the horn continuously for the vehicle in front of him to drive faster.

“Did you know, two days back, Raza had to pay Rs2,000 just to get his FIR registered for his stolen motorcycle?”

Ahsan accelerates and crosses the square while the signal is still red. The traffic police officer, who is standing a little further from the square, motions him to stop on the side of the road.

“Sir, your license please?” asks the officer.

Ahsan pulls a wallet out of his pocket, takes out the license and gives it to him.

“What happened, Sir?” asks Ahsan.

“You broke the traffic signal. It will be a fine of Rs500. You can collect your license from the Mall Road police station after depositing the fine,” replies the officer, while filling out the challan (ticket).

Both Ahsan and Waqas step out of the car.

“Wait sir! Please, don’t! Idher hi settle kar letay hain na (let’s settle it here only),” Ahsan requests the officer while searching for money in his wallet.

__________

Naveed and Mazhar enter the university cafe. They look around and spot a vacant table in a corner. After sitting there, Mazhar waves his hand to call the waiter.

Jee sir, what would you like to have?” asks the waiter.

“Two anda-shami burgers and two mango shakes,” replies Mazhar, in a questioning tone while looking at Naveed, who nods in agreement.

Naveed leans forward on the table.

“So, like I was saying, western countries have always conspired to destabilise our country. They can’t stand the sight of a developed and progressing nation like ours. They have no respect for us and think we all are terrorists. Our politicians have turned into western minions. The youth of this country has to work hard and lead to bring change,” Naveed says passionately.

After a while, Mazhar’s mobile phone rings.

“Hello? Hi Murad. How are you? I am fine, thanks. Acha? That’s good. Yeah, we’ll be there. Thanks!”

Mazhar ends the call.

“Murad was saying that the United States Agency for International Development (USAID) is organising a job expo in the university coming Monday. We have to submit our resumes by Friday. The representatives of different companies will offer jobs and will interview the candidates,” he tells Naveed excitedly.

“That’s great yaar! Let’s apply for it. It will be a dream come true if we get jobs and settle in the United States,” replies Naveed, a smile spreading across his face.

__________

There’s a knock on the door.

Janab! Please come in Ansari Sahib, have a seat,” Muhammad Wajih, Editor of Super Newspaper, greets Kamran Ansari.

“What would you like to have? Chai, coffee?” asks Wajih.

Ansari sits on the sofa, placing his mobile phone on the table.

“I’ll have coffee please. Thanks,” he replies.

After telling the domestic help to make two cups of coffee, Wajih sits down.

“Sir, your column yesterday was a brilliant one. You exposed all the politicians who performed Umrah on government expenses. The news is all over the channels,” he compliments.

Ansari leans back on the sofa, crossing one leg over the other, with satisfaction and glee clearly visible on his face.

“Thanks Wajih Sahib. It really was a tough job. You know, to contact the sources and getting the names of all of those involved, I had to search a lot! I have also been invited to tonight’s primetime program on Bash News,” replies Ansari.

The phone rings. Wajih picks up.

“Hello? Jee I am speaking. Acha. Oh! Thanks a lot jee, Thanks a lot!”

Beaming, Wajih puts down the phone.

“Sir, it was a call from minister sahib’s office. My name has been included in this year’s free Hajj scheme for journalists by the government. Allah (swt) ka lakh lakh shukar hai,” Wajih tells Ansari.

Ansari gets up and embraces him.

“Many congratulations! You are very lucky!”

_________

“I was hit here, right on the head, by a police man during the protest,” says Falak Qureshi, a lawyer, walking in the corridor of his office building with Annie Mehtab, reporter Go Newspaper, during an interview.

They enter the office.

“We sacrificed a lot and put in loads of struggle for the success of the Lawyers movement for the restoration of judiciary. Judiciary is free in this country now,” says Falak while opening the door of his room.

The secretary stands up and greets them both.

“Sir, Murtaza Sahib is waiting for you in the conference room,” he informs Falak.

“Ms Annie, I am sorry, I have to meet my client first. I shall be back shortly. Please have a seat and enjoy a cup of tea,” says Falak.

He directs the secretary to arrange tea for her and leaves.

Falak enters the conference room and greets Murtaza.

“Murtaza Sahib, I got your message in the morning. You don’t need to worry. We are going to win,” he assures Murtaza.

Murtaza hands over the brief case to him.

“I thought it would be better if I see you in person. I have arranged the ‘offer’ we talked about in the morning,” he replies.

Falak, smirking, opens the brief case, looks inside and then closes it.

“Murtaza Sahib, there is nothing to worry about. I have spoken to judge sahib. You know, judge sahib and I go back a long way. He accepted the offer and I assure you we will win this case.”

_________

“See, an operation against the terrorists will only complicate the problem. Talks are the only solution to this issue. They are our own people. What if the operation fails? They will lose their tempers and hit back harder, which will be devastating for the country,” Fakhar explains to Mujahid while sitting in the TV lounge.

Mujahid nods.

“You are right. And these so called liberals support the military operation, which is really absurd,” he replies.

Breaking news is announced on TV:

“Five people have been killed by unidentified gunmen in targeted killings in different parts of the city”.

Fakhar increases the volume.

“Everyone knows who these bloody unidentified people are. These killers and looters have destroyed the peace of the city. The Rangers and Army should carry out operations here. It’s the only solution. These killers should be hanged till death,” exclaims an irked Mujahid.

_________

Jamal Khalid, assistant director at a government department, enters the room of Usman Majeed, director of the same department.

“Come Jamal, have a seat. Have you read today’s newspaper? See this? Another corruption scandal! These politicians have ruined this country,” says Usman while passing the newspaper to him.

“These corrupt and greedy men have no regard for the welfare of the common man and are interested only in filling their own pockets.”

The secretary knocks the door and enters.

“Sir, Mr Kaleem is on the phone,” he says to Usman.

Usman picks up the call.

“Kaleem Sahib, how are you? I am fine jee, thanks to Allah (swt). Sir, please do not worry. Your file will be processed soon. Sir if you scratch our backs, we will scratch yours,” Usman says while looking at Jamal.

Jamal nods with a grin on his face.

—————

Welcome to Hypocristan, a country where hypocrisy thrives.

Fazal Abbas

Fazal Abbas

A chartered accountant practising in Lahore providing assurance and business advisory services. His interests include politics, history, sports, music and movies. He tweets as @fazalwarraich (twitter.com/fazalwarraich)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Muhammad Ali

    Excellent article. We really are hypocrites. Always criticising others but end up doing exactly the same. Writer should also have touched the religious hypocrisy. Nevertheless excellent work. A creative way of expressing the idea in short dialogues.Recommend

  • economist

    Thumbs up broRecommend

  • Dante

    It’s about time you head back to your motherland, Mother America.Recommend

  • MHZ

    How dare write anything against Pakistan?
    Pakistan is a lovely nation. I would never speak anything against Pakistan or leave it. Meanwhile, let me write a condemnation note to Tribune blogs from “Dubai”.

    Good write up.. We need to judge our own actions now.Recommend

  • Usman

    Hypocrisy at it’s best but limited to everyday life – talk about hypocrisy level in religion which of course you can’t since media is itself so biased :)Recommend

  • Hassan Abbas Waraich

    Excellent analysis, we as a society are use to of putting our wrongs on others. When it comes to develop as a society; we fail miserably. Moreover the idea of highlighting empty talk is quite fascinating.
    A good read overall, good job.Recommend

  • Sanya

    What a common phenomenon shared, Hyprocisy. It is the mindset that needs to be changed and specially the mentalities of people here in Pakistan. We talk about change but the change begins with an individual and thats what needs to be understood. Recommend

  • Fahad Khan

    According to the author’s fictional piece, hypocrisy only exists/thrives in Pakistan and nowhere else in the world.Recommend

  • H.M.T.

    Would have been a good article if it weren’t for the comedically high levels of hyperbole.Recommend

  • UsmanSk

    Bla bla bala, Moral of the story, “All problems in the world is due to the Pakistan”. Fed up with this mindsetRecommend

  • Kamran

    Charted Accountants are big hypocrite than anyone elesRecommend

  • abubakar

    Doomed to failure; weRecommend

  • asma

    Mr Author,based on the behaviour of less than 1% population of “illeterate” elite class, u have no right to name or i may say “abuse ” our mother land, coz no matter what our parents are, we accept them.. When writing an article, remember that it is being read world wide, so dont set bad examples for others.Recommend

  • Parvez

    Do you know that if you say NO I WILL NOT PAY and follow procedures, your work WILL GET DONE It will be more time consuming and a bit traumatic but it will get done and the feeling at the end, would be worth it……….so the blame first rests on the giver of the bribe.Recommend

  • Ali Hamza

    Brilliant and true to the core!!!Recommend

  • Hamza

    Good article. This is one of the biggest problems of our people. There is only one corrupt PM of Pakistan and there are millions of corrupt Peons. Those Peons do more harm to the economy than one PM can do. Fix yourself and the society will automatically head in the right direction. Recommend

  • Talha Rizvi

    So true. By the way Indian trolls should mind their own country before jumping like vultures on this blog.Recommend

  • Aleem Zubair

    Although I agree with most of what the author saab is trying to say but I don’t like the title of the blog. Despite all these hypocrisies, I love Pakistan and this title is kinda hurtful is all.Recommend

  • Malik Abdul Rehman

    wannabees, wannabees everywhereRecommend

  • https://twitter.com/Narenjan_Kumar Secular Pakistani

    Simply Brilliant! It felt like a Manto Masterpiece!
    This is our reality!Recommend

  • Baluch

    A very good read mr Fazal, I want to add something as well. If you see a Pakistani in another country, they will start following the rules like no corruption, traffic rules etc. But when the same Pakistani comes back to his own country, they change back to their old routine and when you ask them why do they do, this is their reply “Jaisa dais waisa bais”. Such a shame. When I stop at a red traffic light, my friends will be like wth am I doing, go ahead you are in Pakistan. I mean what is that suppose to meanRecommend

  • Ahsan Bhai

    Pakistan isn’t hypocrite but people the people are ۔ ۔ ۔ ۔Recommend

  • Paradox

    Welcome to the Land of the Pure.Recommend

  • Necromancer

    Overwhelmingly Excellent.Recommend

  • Syeda KAzmi

    an honest portrayal of our society..Recommend

  • kiki

    Article was excellent but disagree with the title!!!Recommend

  • MAK

    Spot on Mr Fazal, but we Pakistanis love to live in denialRecommend

  • Hamza

    We should only be concerned about what’s happening in our country and not the whole world
    How difficult is that for you to understand?Recommend

  • Supriya Arcot

    And life goes on …Recommend

  • Adpran

    Just few days ago in Youtube I wrote a comment for Dil Dil Pakistan video “I am Indonesian, but I love this song. And let me say …. Pakistan Zindabad!” .

    But now I find a Pakistani himself call his country as Hypocristan???

    Ironic.Recommend

  • Gp65

    Did the author say anywhere tat Pakstan is the only ountry which has hpocrisy? No. Please read the artile one more time. It simply is an attempt at introspection, which is a good thing.Recommend

  • Jehanzeb Mahar

    You mean the soil, water and atmosphere of pakistan are not hypocrites?Recommend

  • Jehanzeb Mahar

    Nobody here is talking about the rest of the world. The author just wants to tell you about the reasons for problems of pakistanRecommend

  • Name

    Nice presentation! What is your opinion about Nawaz Sharif & Punjab sucking up the entire country’s resources?Recommend

  • Name

    If you love someone you tell them the truth. If you love pakistan then you know it is the truth and you should do something to change it – starting with yourself.Recommend

  • Name

    If the rest of the world is bad , then we are justified to be bad ? Rest of the world has pigs as pets inside thjeir homes. Why don’t you?Recommend

  • raj

    Excellent article. Things we need to avoid if we want to thrive as a united nation which, unfortunately, seems far on the cardsRecommend

  • https://twitter.com/fazalwarraich Fazal Abbas

    Thank you every one for comments and feedback. Much appreciated.Recommend

  • RGK

    Great Job Mr. Fazal AbbasRecommend

  • Haris Javed

    When somebody from your own walk of life does something extraordinary, it makes you feel proud! And Mr Fazal Abbas it is really pleasing for me to see this blog coming from a member of ICAP! A very fine job!Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/Kamranhayder1 Kamran Hayder

    Well written. I am happy to see that someone from my CA community as blogger on ET ;-)Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/Kamranhayder1 Kamran Hayder

    Will you please explain? How can you call a whole fraternity of Chartered Accountants as hypocrite?Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/fazalwarraich Fazal Abbas

    Thanks a lot Haris.Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/fazalwarraich Fazal Abbas

    Thanks KamranRecommend

  • https://twitter.com/fazalwarraich Fazal Abbas

    I have some ideas on the said topic. Hopefully will try to write on it in future.Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/fazalwarraich Fazal Abbas

    Spot on Mr Baluch.Recommend

  • Jawad Ul Hassan

    great write boi…Recommend

  • Maheen

    Some of us overseas Pakis try and bring back what we learnt living abroad… like holding on to a piece of trash until we sport a dustbin (small example…. but puts the point across) or wearing seatbelts….. or letting someone cross the road for a change rather than tearing at them at a faster speed.
    unfortunately, the corruption does notlet us come back. Nothing in pakistan gets done without bribes…. and if we dont pay, we never get the work done…. or have to wait for an insane number of years for something that takes a few minutes if you pay under the table :(Recommend

  • TDot

    I was born and raised in North America and I only visited Pakistan for the first time recently since then, I’ve visited Pakistan 5 times in the last three years. When I first visited, I treated people the same as how I would here in North America. People would take advantage of me – financially, snicker, be two faced. This observation is based on my experiences with family members, friends of family members, shop keepers, taxi/rikshaw drivers, street beggers, tailors and the list goes on. The more I came to Pakistan the more I saw this and the more I saw this the more my behavior became as if I was a local Pakistani.Recommend

  • Muhammad Usman

    article is good but the title “welcome to hypocritsan” is somewhat insulting to the name of the country. May be you could have chosen some opther title like “height of hypocrisy in our society” or something like that because no matter how worsening the situation may be, we should never insult the name of the country :)
    I agree with the content. its just the title that sort of disturbed meRecommend

  • Fahim Ur Rehman

    All good, but you just missed the religious and cultural hypocrisies (like dressing, food, censorship etc) which are on peak.Recommend