I fell in love on Facebook, but had to move on

Published: December 10, 2013
SHARES
Email

I have to look for love in this country. Not in a mythical land far away. Gone are the days when the thoughts of love were enough. My wrist is awfully tired. And so I deactivated my account.

I am nobody. Do not bother to look me up on Facebook. I recently de-activated my account. I am nobody even though I had more than 500 ‘friends’.

I won’t tell you my name, but trust me, the display picture was my own. Yes, from a few years back. From one of those weddings where I had suited up for the first and last time.

‘Graceful’

‘Beautiful’

‘Handsome’

‘Stud’

These were not my words – they were the words of my ‘Friends’.

And my cover picture? It was a beautiful, artistic representation of Wasi Shah’s poem Haseen Kangan side-by-side with the ghazal from Tum Bin. See, I am good at using spaces.

So what made me quit Facebook, you ask?

Imagine waking up every day in a foreign country, unmarried, unemployed, without any ambitions, working at an off-license, serving the foul-mouthed characters, and occasionally hiding under the shop counter when the threat of the UK Border Agency (UKBA) loomed large.

After such an exhausting day, if you can gather enough courage and will to read a good book, I salute you with my left hand. The right one is too tired.  Pain in the wrist. You know, a young man, living in a foreign land where 3G is a human right, for which one has to pay at least 20 quid a month. I still salute you, though I am tired and want to crash in my bed.

But if you are like me, weak that is, then you will understand.

The blue-coloured infinite world of Facebook. Infinite zest. Only there am I truly a citizen of the world. They even had a word for it, ‘netizen’. No, that’s not what I think I am. I am more than that. A citizen of the world who is loved with great passion, equally in Philippines, Brazil, Portugal, Indonesia, Malaysia, India, Burkina Faso and Romania.

And yes, in Pakistan too.

Well, Gujjar Khan to be specific.

I am not sure whether it was the suit or my chat skills, but I always went for the kill.

“Your amazing eyes… I would be lost in them. Save me from getting lost and accept my request, beautiful.”

Sometimes I even translated Wasi’s poems and trust me, his words work like magic. And it is not really necessary to have more than two or three one-liners. Just use the best one, again and again. It will never fail.

Statistically, “I wish I was a bangle… which you would, my dear, with love, slide over your beautiful wrists”, is the best line for the Spanish world.

They often respond with,

Neruda?’

Federico García Lorca?’

To which I would reply,

“Your humble servant.”

Request accepted.

And with the East Asians, I think it’s the suit. With Gujjar Khan, Baba Bulleh Shah!

Well, that’s how I used to spend my weekday nights and the weekend days. My new Friends and I would chat, share life stories and often they would send me their pictures. Beautiful pictures. Lovely pictures. But recently it had become too monotonous. I couldn’t live like that. In this damn cold country, under a damp duvet, in a mossy room. Alone!

I had to say goodbye.

I said it. And I am sure many hearts were broken.

But enough is enough.

I have to move on.

I have to look for love in this country. Not in a mythical land far away. Gone are the days when the thoughts of love were enough.

My wrist is awfully tired. And so I deactivated my account.

What next?

It’s a secret.

Don’t tell anyone.

Next stop: singlemuslim.com

Mowahid Kiani

Mowahid Kiani

A student of International Development at the University of Manchester, he is in search of beauty and the occasional truth. He tweets as @KMowahid (twitter.com/KMowahid)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Par-Desi

    How about Twitter ? i think that one is more addictive !!!Recommend

  • Zain

    How do I claim my 5 minutes back?Recommend

  • Javeria

    Oh Man! you better be on facebook… writing is not for youRecommend

  • ABZ

    wasted my time…urghhh…. ET please STOP torturing your dedicated readers by putting up such lame & sic articles…Recommend

  • Absar

    I’m speechless, and not in a good way.Recommend

  • Hunaid

    All those poems have made you quite deep and poetic, only your words aren’t that enjoyable.

    Also, a loner in a room stalking women on the Internet, why is your wrist tired again?Recommend

  • Umar UMZ ♔™

    WTH did I just read ??Recommend

  • Nandita.

    Ohhh myyy goddd ! My eyes kinda popped out at the sight of that ’69’ in the blog picture. Quite scandalous really ! Lol … Recommend

  • Mubeen

    what a waste of time.Recommend

  • Zara

    I guess this blog was accepted by ET on day of attack on ET, otherwise i dont find any reason why did they publish it. This blog reminded me of Eye to Eye. same levelRecommend

  • Umar

    dude, which off license you work at…you wasted my 5minutes..need to get it back from you.Recommend

  • Zara

    It reminded me of Eye to Eye. Same intellectual levelRecommend

  • ainy

    good one!!!Recommend

  • Samir tariq

    I really enjoyed this piece..the way you have expressed humor in a “tongue-in-cheek” manner is excellent…People usually respond to such satire almost always in a way that is evident here…i would say writing is definitely for you and i am sure there are many people who enjoyed this piece thoroughly…cheersRecommend

  • Hahahaha…. this was hilarious! Especially the parts about your wrist, the bangle, and the interplay of statistics and geography! Looking forward to reading more from you.

    This post was probably too smart for the haters though, but I would hate for you to dumb it down.Recommend

  • omair

    Your eyes…my reflection in them…so beautiful…

    We all know where that came from nowRecommend

  • Nawazish

    The blogs on Tribune are awful. They really should be more selective about the quality of blogs on this page. Everyone is trying to appear like an expert headliner but all I’m seeing is silly titles and ones such as “10 things you should…”. I’m no longer going to bother with blogs here.Recommend

  • Hina

    I’m thinking…. ad by singlemuslim… only in such bad taste … tsk tsk tskRecommend

  • x
  • x

    “in search of beauty and the occasional truth” . LOL.

    After your little bio and the comments, I think this blog was worth reading.Recommend

  • Waqas

    Hi Movahid……Waqas here…APS 99-05…kahan gum ho uk…welcome to tribune….. :)Recommend

  • Necromancer

    Seriously dude you need to stay on Facebook I reckon it would be best if you stayed there.Recommend

  • Rida

    I want to kill myself after reading this.Recommend

  • Sidra

    why would you do this. Recommend

  • Keen Observer

    errr?Recommend

  • Ahmed

    I only read the first few lines. I could not bring myself to read the entire article. Thoroughly enjoyed reading the comments though. Brought a smile. Any particular reason to have that ’69’ on the heart? By the way, what were you doing with that wrist again?Recommend

  • Ahmed Iqbal

    Beautiful pictures. Lovely pictures
    Anyone else felt a Tahir Shah vibe??Recommend

  • Satesh Kumar

    WTH was that…!!!Recommend

  • Acha

    Is he Tahir Shah of Facebook? An ‘Eye to Eye’ version of a FB User !!! Really pathetic.Recommend

  • Ali Faraz Haque

    This sounded more like a stalker goin underground than a lonely heart searching for love. I’d say dude, forget internet, You should erite those stupid sms booksRecommend

  • Diretide

    By reading comments :pRecommend

  • Sarah B. Haider

    High time the Pakistani English Language newspapers stopped looking at the alma mater of the writer and started looking at the content.Recommend

  • M Umar Farooq

    judging by the title I thought it was going to be a story of heartbroken guy who got stood up after falling in love. Looks like your wrists got stood. Never judge a book by its cover. Do your self and others a favour please QUIT WRITING you attention seeker.Recommend

  • Qaiser Habib

    I joined facebook in 2009. But un-register after 3 months due to 2 reasons. One that my time on net surfing increases from 2 hours to 4 hours daily. Second due to some in appropriate religious muslim content, which facebook did not block. Same time I stopped using utube.Recommend

  • Realist

    This post is nothing but cringeworthy!Recommend

  • Bee

    If that’s what you had been doing, I salute your 500 friends with my left hand!Recommend

  • Guess who?

    Twinses! :)Recommend

  • gp65

    People people people. This is in the poetic license section. This was a satire not a true story.Recommend

  • Waqas

    yaar kahan gaib ho…send me your email at [email protected]Recommend

  • Salaar

    Basically, you need to come out of the closet and wear pink & glitter all proud. Admit it already. Maybe then you will find love? Also drop the drama. Even queers hate the drama these days. Just keepin it real broRecommend

  • FZ

    ermmm.. No idea why I opened this blog and actually read it.
    Why is ET losing it’s charm?Recommend

  • FZ

    Maybe try next time, Mowahid Kiani. :) Recommend

  • Samir tariq

    Well thats what happens when anyone shows a spark of creativity and sheer fun…if this post was about man vs woman argument, or imran khan, or judges…or any of that usual mediocre stuff that every website is filled with (if its from our beloved pakistan) then by now you would have recieved several comments praising another yawn-worthy piece……but you had to write something truly funny, interesting and diferent that actually was worth reading …how dare you!!! Next time dont write anything that makes people use their own brains too while checking their humor quotient…thats too much pressure on some pious, angelic souls….Recommend

  • Holy Water

    It must have felt great to get that frustration out of yourself and throw it into everyone else’s face! And in doing so you got em all pissed! :D … So job well done sir. Btw a good serious message there too if one can read between the lines!Recommend

  • Bilal

    You explained yourself what kind of a person you are, Who can not prioritize / organize in his life :P Dude goto a shop and buy a life from there. FB has no right on your life until unless you give it. I’m using fb since 2008 and never felt that i am wasting my time on it, be it chatting, be it putting status on it. Recommend

  • lol

    oh jigar..its me kaziRecommend

  • Umair Maqsood

    Why on earth would Tribune post something so meaningless like this? Are you guys short on writings to be published?Recommend

  • A

    I believe you have no link with General (retd) KianiRecommend

  • Parvez

    Just read this and to be candid it was the comments that astonished me……….why all the negativity ?………surely he’s entitled to allow his mind to float around and to be honest, I liked the disjointed style of writing.Recommend

  • Supriya Arcot

    Hey that sounds like random ramblings of a bored ( unfocussed -if I may add ) mind . What value is this adding to ET readers FGS ?Recommend

  • sadaf Rehman

    is that finish????
    lamest stuff everRecommend

  • neelam

    i don`t know what is more disturbing, the cheesy lines or the fact that they workedRecommend

  • GM

    it was a good one ..u dont even get his point ..increase ur level ov understanding firstRecommend