The desi-elite political identity quiz
Osama bin Laden has expressed concern over climate change in his latest audiotape. Yes, the man who is being hunted down by pretty much the whole world has finally noticed that his nut job agenda and that of the ultra-left wing nut jobs in the west are nearly identical. I predict we will soon here Ayman al Zawahiri declare al Qaeda’s outright support of PETA, as (in my humble opinion) the two groups could form a strong alliance – last I checked, PETA hates just about everyone, and they really do love animals.
Sarcasm aside, there is a lot to be said about the confused desis I meet and this whole left wing, right wing, “you support Musharraf so you’re a right wing fascist”, “you actually read Fasi Zaka and NFP so you’re a left wing pseudo-intellectual” accusations. Can we just give it a rest and recognize that the whole left and right thing is a gross oversimplification and a completely misunderstood system?
But no dear readers, if I went into the intricacies of this possibly critical topic, it would be total mental masturbation. Instead, here is Nadya V’s handy-dandy quiz to identify which side of the political spectrum you lie on!
(Remember to mark your answers, then scroll all the way down to calculate your score and see what it says about you.)
Desi-elite political identity quiz
Q1: So you’re attending the dholki of a distant friend and the only reason you’re there is because that friend is really hot and you figured this would be a great way to spend time with him/her. You sit down to watch the dances and as they begin an aunty from the back says ‘Astakhfarullah, all these girls will spend 24,586 years in Hell for this sleazy dancing in front of men.” How do you react?
A Do nothing. You hear this stuff all the time. In one ear, out the other.
B Turn around and tell Aunty she looks mighty sleazy in her own outfit, how DARE she pick on her own kind? Trust Pakistani society to be so sick that the weaker gender ends up attacking itself!
C Feel a mild anger boiling inside but do nothing. This is a random aunty at a random dholki and what would your friend say if you react? And besides, some of those thumkas are really out there…
D Turn to your friend and hiss “Can you believe that woman?! What kind of bigoted, religious freaks do you have in this family anyway?”
Q2: Your dad is lecturing you on how back in his day the army would have sorted out the current government in a second. He says democracy is a joke. You say:
A “Sure dad, can I PLEASE have the car keys now?”
B “Whats the POINT dad?!? We all know the US is controlling this game anyway!”
C “Sure dad, I think you’re right.”
D “The worst democracy is better than the best dictatorship.”
Q3: You’re at work taking a coffee break with your boss and a colleague Z. Your boss turns to you both and says “So, which one of you would like to spend this weekend with Xyz NGO distributing flood relief goods in a tiny village 9 hours out of the city?” How do you react?
A You say “I’m sure Z would love to go! He’s been sharing Tribune stories on flood relief on his Facebook page all week!”
B Inform your boss that you’ve already been devoting every other weekend to flood relief, thanks for noticing (moron).
C You agree to go if your colleague goes too – that way it will look like a corporate trip and add value to the image of the company.
D You say “I think we should all go sir. It’ll be good experience.”
Q4: You are travelling by yourself in the US and during a local flight from one city to another, a security guard at the boarding gate asks you to take off your shoes and belt and earrings and finally asks you to step into the body scan machine. What do you do?
A Security guard is just doing his/her duty and he/she is kind of cute. You go along with it. Big deal.
B You give the security guard the finger, scream your head off and demand access to a phone to call the Pakistan embassy.
C You’re upset. Visibly so. You go along with the humiliating exercise, all the while hoping those around you see the misery on your face. Maybe someone will come to your rescue.
D You argue with the security guard and demand to know why its only brown people and guys with beards who seem to have been selected for the body scan.
Q5: You’re on a date with a significant other at a ridiculously over priced restaurant. Somewhere between casual flirting and the entrée your date looks up at the muted TV screen set to a news channel and says, “The government has failed, the judiciary has failed, everything is a mess. I think its time for we the youth to lead a revolution.” He/she looks has that look in their eye – this discussion might go on for hours. How do you respond?
A “Sooo, you look really hot tonight…”
B “And exactly how do YOU define revolution? I mean, how can you even speak of revolution when you’re eating food 95 per cent of the country can’t afford?! Don’t make me laugh – you make me sick.”
C “Yeah, we totally should lead a revolution. Want to try my steak?”
D “I’ve been thinking the same thing. In fact, I came up with a few workable ideas just the other day. Want to hear about them?”
Time to add up your score!
Give yourself 1 point for each A answer, 2 points for each C answer, 3 points for each D answer and 4 points for each B answer.
If your score is 9 or lower, you are a Human Cockroach!
Congratulations, you are the scum of the Earth. You are a political zombie and have close to zero interest in politics – in fact you’d prefer if the silly thing never came in the way of your life. You do not care about the major issues that afflict Pakistan and you don’t care whether things change or remain the same, as long as it doesn’t affect you. You tend to avoid political dialogue and generally think people falling into the other categories are just plain insane or pathetic. Then again you might just be lazy. Either way, people tend to hate you when it comes to politics, but that’s okay, cockroaches can survive nuclear fallout and new research shows your brain will save humanity someday.
If your score is 10 to 14 you are an Insipid Politico!
Your watered down political identity is so full of doing what seems right without actually committing to anything, some see you as worse than the human cockroach. You occasionally feel bad as you maintain the status quo, but it is unlikely you will ever man up and rock the boat. Sure, you might own a Che Tshirt and think politics are ‘cool’ but that is not why people are calling you by Mr Guevara’s first name. You might have a political identity, but its buried deep under layers of what mommy and daddy tell you to do and your own fears or outright disinterest.
If your score is 15 to 20 you are a Wannabe Do-gooder!
Well, aren’t you all gung ho and political and stuff? Good job – your enthusiasm and general interest in politics is possibly the most reasonable and sustainable of the lot. You can veer towards ‘civil society’ extremism sometimes, or very occasionally you may falter, but there is something to your naïve yet sometimes brave outlook which in any other country would make you a good citizen, but in Pakistan it just makes you a wannabe! Keep on trying and failing – our nation’s future lies with you.
If you scored over 20 you are Civil Society AKA ‘bloody civilian’!
You are unbearable. Your political identity screams hardcore, and no one gets away without some form of rancid lecture from you. You are probably out there in the field ‘fighting the good fight’ or possibly cursing out ‘the man’ or the army or pretty much anything really, because you are civil society and no one messes with you. You are always right, but the sheer burden of your genius and the responsibility that comes with it often makes you cynical and ineffective. You secretly identify most with the human cockroach because he/she lives the life of freedom you actually yearn for. If only the world wasn’t so messed up eh?
Any guesses as to what I scored?
Do leave your results in the comments section below.
The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.