40 things that Pakistani men hate to hear

Published: October 31, 2013
Email

*On the second date* umm some people are coming over tomorrow for my rishta, so I thought I should just let you know.

  1. We need to talk
  2. Do I look fat?
  3. Umm there’s this new store at the mall…
  4. I’m not hungry hungry, but I’ll share your garlic mayo fries.
  5. Why do you have to hang out with Fahad so much? Is he your boyfriend?
  6. Oh never mind, Yasir is just a friend. But I don’t get a good vibe from Ramsha so you better not talk to her.
  7. I’m not one of those girls.
  8. You’re just like a brother to me.
  9. *On the second date* some people are coming over tomorrow for my rishta, so I thought I should just let you know.
  10. If I ask you something, would you be honest?
  11. OMG! The dreadlocks on that guy look so YUM.
  12. So this one time, my ex and I went to…
  13. Can’t believe how you can spend this much on a pair of jeans! Don’t look at my footwear collection, I’m classy – I have to!
  14. I am an independent woman but you should pay for the meal. I’m old fashioned.
  15. Where is my exclusive time in your given day? You treat me like a filler.
  16. Who is she?
  17. You’ve changed so much. You’re not the same person anymore.
  18. Why do you still watch cartoons? Grow up.
  19. Go away, leave me alone… How dare you walk out on me?
  20. You’re always too busy to even think about me.
  21. Fine.
  22. You’re so thin. Why don’t you go to the gym?
  23. You’re such a mama’s boy.
  24. Let’s watch some TV. New Girl or Pretty Little Liars?
  25. Why do you always want to control me? It’s suffocating. Give me some space to breathe.
  26. I knew it!
  27. Are you sure?
  28. I don’t believe you.
  29. I didn’t mean anything I said. I was just PMS-ing.
  30. You know I’m still mad at you for what you said to me at Sarah’s wedding in 2004.
  31. … But we can be friends.
  32. You know you’d save a lot of money if you don’t smoke.
  33. Mom is coming over for the weekend.
  34. Can you look after the kids; I just have to go to the tailor for “five minutes”.
  35. When I say chocolates, it means dark chocolate. You’re so useless.
  36. Wait wait stop the car!! I need to Instagram that.
  37. Why can’t we go there? All of my friends have been there already. Even Bushra.
  38. Why do you have to watch match highlights when you already know who won? Please switch to Hum TV. I wanna watch the rerun of Kadurat.
  39. Are you even listening to me?
  40. WHATEVER.

Junaid Akram

Junaid Akram

A Pakistani stand up comedian based in Dubai who tweets at @june_aid (twitter.com/june_aid)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.