A chat with a 21st century Pakistani patriot

Published: October 9, 2013

Patriot: Do you see any scars on Malala Yousufzai's head? Terrorism is a hoax created by the West.

Interviewer (I): Assalamu alaykum. My name is Sanjay.

Patriot (P): Sanjay? Are you Indian?

I: No, I’m Pakistani.

P: How come?

I: Well I was born and raised here.

P: However, people of your belief are born and raised in India. Sanjay Dutt is an example.

I: A large number of people of my belief live in Pakistan as well. Seen the white in our flag?

P: Oh. That’s Odd.

I: What do you think about Pakistan?

P: I love my country. It’s a great country to live in.

I: What do you like about Pakistan?

P: I know the funded media is trying its best to ruin Pakistan’s image, but we need to be positive and see the bright side. We need to look at people like Begum Ali Moeen Nawazish Ali and Agha Waqar who are the true representatives of the country.

I: Agha Waqar? The guy who said he could run cars with water?

P: Yes, him. Unfortunately the diesel mafia got the better of him.

I: And what about Malala Yousufzai?

P: Do you see any scars on her head?

I: But you do agree that terrorism is a problem, right?

P: Terrorism is a hoax created by the West.

I: But people are actually dying because of attacks.

P: Drones. Besides, all of us have to eventually die anyway.

I: What about the drones?

P: If you stop the drones, it will stop terrorism. Injustice leads to more injustice.

I: So if we stop the drones, people will stop getting killed altogether?

P: Not altogether. The rest are being killed by *ahem* *ahem*, foreign agents. Didn’t you see the dragon tattoo on the back of a terrorist who was once killed?

I: But that was just one terrorist. Many more have being caught.

P: And how many of them have been stripped to check for tattoos?

I: I’m not exactly sure.

P: See?

I: So how do we stop these foreign agents?

P: By having a government that is not installed by the West.

I: Why does the West have control over who rules Pakistan?

P: Because it is scared of us.

I: What exactly is it scared of?

P: Our atom bomb.

I: So because the West is scared of us, it ends up indirectly ruling us?

P: Sounds legit. It also funds our media to destruct the image of Pakistan. Instead of showing lofty mountains, it shows the people dying from snake-bites!

I: You mean the mountains where tourists were recently killed?

P: Foreign hand. Besides, the number of tourists killed is a lot less when compared to the total number of tourists visiting the mountains. You need to think more positively.

I: Well, positively speaking, how will we get out of this mess?

P: Through a revolution.

I: And how will the revolution come?

P: A leader will rise from amongst the common man. The nation will march behind him to Islamabad and will overthrow the corrupt government and then everything will be alright. Next we will march to Kashmir and make it a part of Pakistan once and for all!

I: Someone like Colonel Sanders perhaps?

P: No he stays inside a container and is a dual national; clear signs of being a foreign agent. The big hat is also fishy.

I: How will everything become alright once the government is overthrown?

P: That’s the leader’s headache. I don’t look like one, do I?

I: I wouldn’t think so. What are your views about load-shedding?

P: It can be solved if the government pays attention to it.

I: How about the public start paying their bills for a change?

P: You need to understand that it is very difficult in this age of inflation.

I: What has caused the inflation?

P: IMF funds. It is again Western conspiracy to make us beggars.

I: Do you pay your taxes?

P: I don’t pay taxes because the government is corrupt. I don’t want to pay taxes to government officials who take their salaries from the West. *PHONE RINGS*

I: Is that an iPhone I see in your hand?

P: Oh yes! My new iPhone 4S. Cool, isn’t it?

I: Very cool. As a Pakistani I am concerned about what is happening in Balochistan. Do you remember East Pakistan?

P: What’s that?

I: Bangladesh?

P: Yes, what about it?

I: 1971? Civil war?

P: Oh! Yes, that.  India. It was India all along.

I: What about India?

P: Please don’t mind me saying, but India funded the entire rebellion.

I: Why was there rebellion in the first place?

P: Bollywood. Our brothers’ minds were corrupted because of Indian movies.

I: I guess we should end this conversation here now.

P: I am sorry if I sounded a bit harsh. Hope you see the right path soon.

Dr Ali Rafiq

Dr Ali Rafiq

Doctor, debater, freelance writer and blogger. Graduate of Dow Medical College and winner of various national and international debating and writing competitions. He tweets @dralirafiq twitter.com/dralirafiq

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