What if Miley Cyrus was Pakistani?

Published: August 30, 2013
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Singer Miley Cyrus arrives at the MTV Video Music Awards August 25, 2013 at the Barclays Center in New York. PHOTO: AFP

First, it was Half-Life 3. Next, it was Ben Affleck. Now, it is Miley Cyrus’ turn.

Over the last few days, my social media feeds have exploded with news of Miley’s raunchy performance at the MTV Video Music Awards (VMAs), where she shed her ‘good girl’ Hannah Montana image by performing some overly sexual dance moves while dressed in skimpy clothing.

Although official sources reported that parents – especially those whose children had grown up idolising the Disney star – had filed numerous complaints, the reactions on my Facebook were packed with hilarious memes parodying the young American female singer/actress.

As I scrolled through Facebook, I noticed how mostly good natured the reactions were in comparison to similarly controversial celebrity behaviour in Pakistan. For example, when our own local divas, such as Veena Malik, Mathira, Meera or Kamran Akmal, are part of something controversial, our public has an angry meltdown, where it seems that the entire prestige of the nation lies with the said celebrity.

This left me thinking (which is never a good thing), what if Miley Cyrus had been from Pakistan? In that situation, here is how I think the events would have unfolded:

1. Some outraged citizen, most probably unemployed and thus with a lot of time, would file a Supreme Court petition against the ‘shameful’ Jewish Pakistani agent, Miley Cyrus. Here, the judges would waste precious resources, calling upon experts to define the meaning of the word ‘twerking’, while Imran Khan would once again publicly debate the meaning of the word ‘shameful’.

2. Miley would defend herself by saying,

“The dancing was a little bold, but aesthetically shot.”

Later, a PR representative of Cyrus would further defend Miley by insisting her actions were part of her ‘artistic freedom’, and rather than sexual, were ‘cosy and romantic’.

3. Someone would blog on The Express Tribune against Cyrus. A few days later, a blog in favour of Cyrus would follow. Both would see a lot of web hits and extra work for the moderators of the comments section.

4. Pakistani mothers mostly located in the ‘Defence’ localities of Karachi and Lahore, would bemoan how thin Cyrus has become since her Hani Montana days, and would insist that had Miley been their daughter, they would have fed her lots of parathasshami kebabs, and lassi.

5. At the hands of Pakistani keyboard warriors, countless lewd and abusive anti-Miley comments would fill Facebook, alleging the whole thing to be a ‘drama’. Of course, a little research would reveal that most of the web hits for the Miley video were coming from the same IP addresses as the comments.

6. Some confused local politician would use incorrect names such as ‘Malala Cyrus’ and ‘Miley Yousufzai’ on television. Inevitably, many Pakistani citizens would start a movement where they would ask the United States to return Doctor Aafia Siddiqui and keep Miley Cyrus, ignoring the fact that Dr Aafia is actually an American citizen, while Miley is Pakistani.

7. Pakistan’s government would ban the Miley dance video from airing in the nation. Next, they would request YouTube to also block all Miley Cyrus videos alongside any blasphemous videos.

8. Some hopeful religious scholars in Pakistan would offer Miley their hand in marriage, if ‘she wants to reform and to avoid the fires of hell’.

9. Frustrated, Miley Cyrus would take to the streets of Islamabad, holding the nation hostage for half the day, while smoking cigarettes and sipping on her unlimited supply of Red Bull. Eventually, some random politician would save the day, but not before watching her ‘twerk’ for five hours.

10. The new Miley Cyrus video would overtake Imran Khan’s hospital bed speech to become the number one video in Pakistan, resulting in PTI fans alleging rigging. Meanwhile, PML-N voters would blame Imran Khan entirely for Cyrus-gate.

11. While the nation is embroiled in the Miley controversy, the government would quietly raise taxes on farmers while allowing the landlords to become wealthier, allow friends to profit off of nonsensical duty free imports of insanely expensive hybrid cars and put the death penalty on hold for thousands of Pakistani murderers who had been convicted on airtight evidence.

Noman Ansari

Noman Ansari

The author is the editor-in-chief of IGN Pakistan, and has been reviewing films and writing opinion pieces for The Express Tribune as well as Dawn for five years. He tweets as @Pugnate (twitter.com/Pugnate)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Alann

    Miley Cyrus as a Jewish Pakistani citizen? You forgot a major point! Cases will be filed against her under Blasphemy Law and as an extra bonus, she will most probably be accused of burning Qu’ran aswell.
    Also, there’s also a high possibility that she will be abducted, forcefully converted to Islam and married to some random ridiculous looking guy and when/if her case of forced conversion comes to court, there will be hundred armed people standing in & around the court “ensuring” the judge gives the ‘right’ judgement and declares “Farzana Bibi” decided to convert to Muslim by her own will.Recommend

  • Working Woman
  • Saira

    first thing that came to mind after reading the blog title was “this would give a heart attack to people who use facebook and have seen Miley’s latest act”.
    Last point is like perfect of all.Recommend

  • ……………..

    lol that was good.Recommend

  • GornmentCallage

    seen it all before with Veena Malik, mate…yawnRecommend

  • Malala is awesome

    Lolz, didnt know Pakistanis had a sense of humour. Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/Pugnate Noman Ansari

    @Malala is awesome:

    Seriously? What do you call our last president? Recommend

  • Rakshinda

    Desi dads be like “Cyrus Broacha must be so proud of his daughter”Recommend

  • http://harisyounis.wordpress.com/ Haris

    Author I love you T.T Thank you so much for posting this on ET blogs!Recommend

  • LalaGee

    he might have been shot dead in the name of paki relegious god…..yesterday one paki here in toronto was saying i am different i have been born by allah..while u have been born by pagans and idioms..therefore i am from great race of arab and mecca..i fell of my floor by knowing his ideology..lol…it was really laughable what is taught in schools in pak….Recommend

  • Hari

    Good one! Did you miss Hasb-e-haal? ;)Recommend

  • sars

    hilarious!!Recommend

  • WTH?

    @LalaGee: err that paki was purely delusional, WTH kind of a theory is that? lol rest assured this crap is not taught in paki schools….well most of them i guess. Recommend

  • cool it!!!

    too lame to blog it…Recommend

  • http://jabran.me Jabran

    No 3 is happening now, starting from this blog!Recommend

  • Ozair

    Lolz ……….this article sums up the Pakistani mentality. Recommend

  • Parvez

    Sami Shah could not have done a better job…………classic ! You covered a lot of ground under the Miley head.
    Go to the Yahoo home page and the first item is ‘ Miley Cyrus’ the VMA’s scndal – the Muslim Connection Exposed. ‘ …………… :-)
    Recommend

  • Hera Iftikhar

    She might also get shot and then be called Shaheed Miley Cyrus because in Pakistan any Tom,Dick,Harry or politician who dies is a Shaheed.
    This was a breath of fresh air. Thankyou :DRecommend

  • Hardliner

    Someone would blog on The Express
    Tribune against Cyrus. A few days
    later, a blog in favour of Cyrus would
    follow.

    Pakistani or not……… lets just publish a blog in her favor just in case she ever decides to claim a Pakistani passport…………Recommend

  • angry citizen

    classic article and i laughed like anything on point # 6Recommend

  • danny boy

    So boring…Recommend

  • A. Khan

    “3. Someone would blog on The Express Tribune against Cyrus. A few days later, a blog in favour of Cyrus would follow. Both would see a lot of web hits and extra work for the moderators of the comments section.”

    You got that right ! Do you know the meaning of “irony” ?Recommend

  • Raza

    Loved the last point. Non–issues are the only priority in Pakistan.Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/Pugnate Noman Ansari

    umm… I just noticed she has a HUGE tongue. Look at that. Recommend

  • Critical

    @Rakshinda:

    Wow,your comment is absolutely top class…..Maybe you should send this to Cyrus Broacha who is trying to find fresh jokes for his “Week that wasnt”

    You could replace Kunal Vijayakar as the new script writer…..Recommend

  • Arsalan

    You deserve an award for somehow factoring PTI into it. Recommend

  • Anam

    Classic… Loved itRecommend

  • Jazb-e-awaam

    You had me at Kamran Akmal !!!Recommend

  • sakina

    also all the news channels would be running talk shows where ‘good for nothing’ politicians and the mullah brigade would endlessly debate and scrutinize her act…and also there will be a number of trends on twitter and memes on facebook trolling and ridiculing her.. Recommend

  • http://fahadzaki.wordpress.com Fahad Zaki

    — When tragic events occur here, these people bash Pakistan (even when anti-Pakistan people, who have nothing to do with Pakistan, claim responsibility)

    — When there is no bad news, these people use their imagination to suppose and then share what they think would happen; and then they ….guess what….bash Pakistan.

    — It seems Noman Sahib’s obsession with Miley Cyrus forced him to link Miley and Pakistan (which are worlds apart) together and do what he does best: Try to be funny.Recommend

  • omaina

    god! someone’s obsessed!Recommend

  • Rational Liberal

    @Alann:
    Calm down, she’s better off in Pakistan than she would be in India, unless she wants to end up like every other foreign girl in India.Recommend

  • Majid

    Nothing. She would have survived as Veena Malik and Meera and Mathira have survived.Recommend

  • Alann

    Miley Cyrus is a Haryanvi Indian. She has the right to choose whatever she wants to do. Nobody can dictate what she wants to do. Recommend

  • Dani

    @Alann:
    Dude, is this what you do all day? Read every article on Pakistan and then pass ridiculous comments? Get a life!Recommend

  • nabil

    Dunno about those unemployed people, but you surely have a lot of free time to think of another scenario where everybody gets to slap and shame Pakistan and go on a self-hate spree all because of Miley Cyrus.

    Give it a rest.Recommend

  • Misha Rizvi

    that was funny! had this been the case #06 would definitely be true!
    Good one!Recommend

  • SHAGY

    Excellent piece of writing (humor) after a very long time….keep it up!

    Our nation needs to start looking at lighter perspective of things! Recommend

  • http://[email protected] what the

    Booooooooooo…

    what’s the point.. senseless like all other humor currently going on in Pakistan…Recommend

  • ajmal

    stupidest senseless article ever! pessimist and Pakistan bashing like always. get over it please!Recommend

  • Gp65

    Loved the blog. No. 6 was particularly funny. As for no. 7, you skipped a step. Before YouTube can be banned again, it has to be unbanned first.

    Also loved your response to ‘@Malala is awesome’.

    On a slightly serious note, I can understand and feel your frustration at the attempt to appease TTP by putting the death sentences on hold. Having said that, have seen many cases in USA where years after the actual death sentence being carried out, newer and more scientific evidence e.g. DNA evidence has proven that the man who was convicted was innocent. If this is the case in USA, I would question whether so many thousand people actually have airtight cases in corrupt third world countries like India and Pakistan where justice can frequently be bought and sold by bribing he police and witnesses.Recommend

  • Gp65

    Oh I think you forgot one thing, if she were a Pakistani, she would no longer get a chance to eat a McDonald Burger because the managers would ask her to stay out in deference to the family values of their customers.
    http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/13812/this-is-an-islamic-republic-you-cant-sit-next-to-your-wife/Recommend

  • Tahir Naseem

    What happened bai aaan? Who is Miley Cyrus?Recommend

  • Tabdeeli

    @LalaGee:
    Stop impersonating Real Lala Gee with your cheap unfunny idiotic satire. Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/Pugnate Noman Ansari

    @Tabdeeli:

    a) I have no idea who that is. (Google reveals nothing)

    b) It may help you to look up the meaning of ‘impersonating’.

    c) Yes it may have been unfunny, yet it may have been idiotic, yes it was probably cheap… but… OK I lost my train of thought. Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/Pugnate Noman Ansari

    @Tabdeeli:

    Whoops, I thought that post was directed at me. (My bad). Recommend

  • https://twitter.com/Pugnate Noman Ansari

    @Gp65:

    BTW I do agree with you on the death penalty. It is a pity that their motives weren’t legit though. Recommend

  • ptr

    haha, very nice man.Recommend

  • cool dude

    Wow nice and what about our media? Would they do nothing about all this? Wouldn’t maya khan will check her nikah nama? While on other hand she will do astagfar on some cheap local channel? Wouldnt she be our media’s breaking news for atleast 3 days?Recommend

  • MarahaK

    Many people seem to ignore that miley’s performance was not only overtly bold and sexual but the main problem was her disrespect of thewomen of colour whom she employed to be her background dancers. She is engaging in blatant cultural appropriation and has mo idea how offensive it is to the black community in the USA and also in South Africa, where i live. Recommend

  • mind control

    A. Har Dil Aziz Aalim-o-Aala Aamir Liaquat would invite her on his show, drape a Burka on her and then ask her to repeat the song and dance. All the while saying ‘Yeh bhi aik dress hai’.

    B. Hazraat Sir Zaid Hamid will condemn her for distracting the Lal Topi Brigade from Ghazwa-e-Hind.Recommend

  • James

    It really made me laugh thinking how hilarious would the headlines on Daily Express or any other local newspaper headline would look like. Hilarious post Good Job !Recommend

  • Raza

    What would BBC Urdu look like ? Falls of the bed laughing ! :DRecommend