What if Miley Cyrus was Pakistani?

Published: August 30, 2013
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Singer Miley Cyrus arrives at the MTV Video Music Awards August 25, 2013 at the Barclays Center in New York. PHOTO: AFP

First, it was Half-Life 3. Next, it was Ben Affleck. Now, it is Miley Cyrus’ turn.

Over the last few days, my social media feeds have exploded with news of Miley’s raunchy performance at the MTV Video Music Awards (VMAs), where she shed her ‘good girl’ Hannah Montana image by performing some overly sexual dance moves while dressed in skimpy clothing.

Although official sources reported that parents – especially those whose children had grown up idolising the Disney star – had filed numerous complaints, the reactions on my Facebook were packed with hilarious memes parodying the young American female singer/actress.

As I scrolled through Facebook, I noticed how mostly good natured the reactions were in comparison to similarly controversial celebrity behaviour in Pakistan. For example, when our own local divas, such as Veena Malik, Mathira, Meera or Kamran Akmal, are part of something controversial, our public has an angry meltdown, where it seems that the entire prestige of the nation lies with the said celebrity.

This left me thinking (which is never a good thing), what if Miley Cyrus had been from Pakistan? In that situation, here is how I think the events would have unfolded:

1. Some outraged citizen, most probably unemployed and thus with a lot of time, would file a Supreme Court petition against the ‘shameful’ Jewish Pakistani agent, Miley Cyrus. Here, the judges would waste precious resources, calling upon experts to define the meaning of the word ‘twerking’, while Imran Khan would once again publicly debate the meaning of the word ‘shameful’.

2. Miley would defend herself by saying,

“The dancing was a little bold, but aesthetically shot.”

Later, a PR representative of Cyrus would further defend Miley by insisting her actions were part of her ‘artistic freedom’, and rather than sexual, were ‘cosy and romantic’.

3. Someone would blog on The Express Tribune against Cyrus. A few days later, a blog in favour of Cyrus would follow. Both would see a lot of web hits and extra work for the moderators of the comments section.

4. Pakistani mothers mostly located in the ‘Defence’ localities of Karachi and Lahore, would bemoan how thin Cyrus has become since her Hani Montana days, and would insist that had Miley been their daughter, they would have fed her lots of parathasshami kebabs, and lassi.

5. At the hands of Pakistani keyboard warriors, countless lewd and abusive anti-Miley comments would fill Facebook, alleging the whole thing to be a ‘drama’. Of course, a little research would reveal that most of the web hits for the Miley video were coming from the same IP addresses as the comments.

6. Some confused local politician would use incorrect names such as ‘Malala Cyrus’ and ‘Miley Yousufzai’ on television. Inevitably, many Pakistani citizens would start a movement where they would ask the United States to return Doctor Aafia Siddiqui and keep Miley Cyrus, ignoring the fact that Dr Aafia is actually an American citizen, while Miley is Pakistani.

7. Pakistan’s government would ban the Miley dance video from airing in the nation. Next, they would request YouTube to also block all Miley Cyrus videos alongside any blasphemous videos.

8. Some hopeful religious scholars in Pakistan would offer Miley their hand in marriage, if ‘she wants to reform and to avoid the fires of hell’.

9. Frustrated, Miley Cyrus would take to the streets of Islamabad, holding the nation hostage for half the day, while smoking cigarettes and sipping on her unlimited supply of Red Bull. Eventually, some random politician would save the day, but not before watching her ‘twerk’ for five hours.

10. The new Miley Cyrus video would overtake Imran Khan’s hospital bed speech to become the number one video in Pakistan, resulting in PTI fans alleging rigging. Meanwhile, PML-N voters would blame Imran Khan entirely for Cyrus-gate.

11. While the nation is embroiled in the Miley controversy, the government would quietly raise taxes on farmers while allowing the landlords to become wealthier, allow friends to profit off of nonsensical duty free imports of insanely expensive hybrid cars and put the death penalty on hold for thousands of Pakistani murderers who had been convicted on airtight evidence.

Noman Ansari

Noman Ansari

The author is the editor-in-chief of IGN Pakistan, and has been reviewing films and writing opinion pieces for The Express Tribune as well as Dawn for five years. He tweets as @Pugnate (twitter.com/Pugnate)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.