‘The Zionists did it’ and other conspiracy theories

Published: October 1, 2010
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Osama bin Laden could be anywhere from Washington to the Bahamas, but he's probably alive.

I’ve heard more conspiracy theories these past couple of weeks than I would like to care for. It seems that the Zionists, Freemasons and Indian spy agency RAW have been collaborating on a series of coordinated strikes on me and my small yet suspiciously detrimental-to-the-future-of-the-world social circle.

Conspiracy 1: Did you know that there were four Blackwater (now called Xe but we still like the old name because it sounds more evil) agents on board the doomed Air Blue flight? Presumably they were forcing the pilot to crash into the nearby Kahuta nuclear base but the heroic pilot crashed into the mountains to spoil their plans.

Conspiracy 2: Did you know that the floods that washed away most of Pakistan were actually the by-product of US Military’s secret HAARP project which specialises in weather control and other sinister forms of kooky warfare?

Conspiracy 3: Did you know that the Indian Cricket Board, presumably funded by the country’s ever-scheming intelligence agencies, framed the Pakistani team in that spot-fixing spat?

Conspiracy 4: Did you know that Osama bin Laden is living in Washington DC, enjoying Jersey Shore reruns with some friends while munching on pizza?

Conspiracy 5: Did you know that Dr Aafia Siddiqi was secretly sabotaged by the Pakistani government and that the guys in Islamabad got a big fat cheque for helping ‘set an example out for muslims worldwide’?

Believe it or not, I heard all these morsels of hidden truth in the space of maybe three to four days.

Here’s what I know: We’re not the centre of the world. The centre of paranoia, maybe, but not much else. We need to stop blaming other, secret forces for our troubles. No, they are not out to get us. We just need a scapegoat so that we can pin our troubles and general lack of progression on someone.

But then again, you never know. I’m probably commissioned by the Jewish lobby to lull the Pakistani public into a false sense of security.

umair.kazi

Umair Kazi

A strategist who blogs at www.theideaartist.com

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.