My nominees for caretaker prime minister are…

Published: March 17, 2013
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I’d first like to congratulate my fellow Pakistanis on having managed their lives without reliable electricity, inflation, joblessness and most importantly for staying alive. DESIGN: ERUM SHAIKH

As I throw in my 2000 rupees worth (because two cents just doesn’t cut it anymore) into the ring about who should be the caretaker prime minister, I’d first like to congratulate my fellow Pakistanis on having managed their lives with unreliable electricity, inflation, and joblessness.

Like a long fasting day in the summer heat during which we thought we won’t make it, iftar time is finally here and perhaps after the elections we may celebrate Eid. But in that midst, we must decide who our Eid ka chand will be.

For the two non-Muslim Pakistanis remaining in the country and the several Jewish media agents reading my piece during their routine spying on us Pakistanis, I refer to the caretaker prime minister nomination and election.

After much careful thought, I decided to order Fat Burger. Sitting overseas, it makes me feel closer to my countrymen who also have a branch there to dine at. It was while munching on the fries that I thought about who should have been on the nomination list. I narrowed down my list as below:

Mohsin Khan:

Under his coaching (interim role ahem ahem),Pakistan managed to win three Test series including one against the number one Test country (at that time) – our old rulers, the ‘Great Beaten’, I mean Britain. Even at the age of 50 he has managed to hold on to his good looks and charismatic personality. Of course those aspects aren’t of any real use to the prime minister role but when did we ever elect prime ministers on the basis of having any kind of skill set?

The downside is that just as the country will start doing well, he’ll be replaced. It might also be a problem for PTI supporters whose prayers over the last five years of an ex-cricketer named Khan becoming prime minister would be wasted on the wrong one.

Our Cricket Team: 

All of them; they work great together… in short formats. The shorter the better! Their concentration won’t last beyond the ‘20’ days of governance.

The possible downside is that there might be a sudden shift in the election results at the last minute if the caretaker government decides to ‘match fix’(old habits die hard).

Veena Malik: 

We’ve just been beaten by India on gender equality and even though we sit at a lowly ‘123’ in the world, we would be patting ourselves on the back and continuing the charade of giving women more freedom. I’d say our rankings were propelled by Veena Malik whose daring acts and outspoken nature in this chauvinistic society must have fooled the UN compilers of this data. I personally admire her and would love to see all the excitement around her leading the nation. She could host a prayer show on TV in which we are all asked for pardoning of our sins lest the current government returns.

In the evenings she would distract us all from our hard lives by hosting a kiss the prime minister night which would be a first in the world. Take that Punjab government and your obsession with world records.

Finally, her English would confuse any foreign government or internal terrorists about what she is trying to stay and she would be able to get away with all her demands.

Viva Pakistan! 

Tariq Aziz: 

Yes, the Tariq Aziz of Neelam Ghar. In the brief period of the interim government, this could be absolutely brilliant. Our previous governments have constantly sold off our country for their own gains and sold off valuable assets (Gwadar port, etc). Why not turn it into a fun and transparent event?

Tariq could host it on television and have large mass participation and corporate sponsorship. We can invite people from all over the world and have a carnival with this one. With everything valuable gone, the incoming government won’t be able to loot us any further either.

Agha Waqar Khan:

This hero who got us in the news all over the world deserves a nomination. Maybe we could get him linked to a Gulf investor and together they could announce their plan to invest billions to build the biggest water run car in the world in Karachi.

The downside could be that no one might be able to locate our nominee as he tends to disappear.

I would vote for him though.

Just kitting.

Mathira:

She’s just like our government – we criticise their work continuously and yet continue to vote them in and keep them on ‘air’. She’s like our awaam – poorly clad. She is Pakistan.

The morning show where callers get to talk to the prime minister would be so much fun as she coyly avoids any real questions. Every disastrous move by the government could be side-lined at the drop off a top. I do think it might boost our tourism industry as people would be fooled into thinking Pakistan is an open, liberated society.

The downside?

People might vote her in permanently.

Imran Khan:

Since he’s promised to get everything fixed in 90 days

PHOTOS: ONLINE PUBLICITY

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Salman Qureshi

A Masters graduate in International Business from the University of Wollongong Dubai. He is a standup and Improv comedian based in Dubai with an intense interest in reviving and supporting arts in Pakistan. He blogs at: salmanzq.blogspot.com/

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.