Only in Pakistan!

Published: March 9, 2013
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Pakistani logic is hilarious. ILLUSTRATION: IMAAN SHEIKH

As a comedian, especially if your style is based on observational humour, it’s important to have an eye for detail, as it meanders around the most trivial and insignificant aspects of everyday life.

After spending almost three decades of my life in Pakistan, and seeing the society very up-close, I have come to the conclusion that amidst the swelling cacophony of the rising disorder that has befallen upon us, there still is a lot of humour embedded in many things that we may tend to ignore.

So here’s a list of things we say/do that defines our behaviour individually or at a national level that defies logic in so many ways. I’m not even remotely trying to be funny here.

1. Every household has male dominant dictatorship, yet we want democracy in our country.

2. Find someone and get married. You’re not allowed to date!

3. Munda ki karda ae? Kuch nai? Oda viyah kara do.

(What does the boy do for a living? Nothing? Let’s get him married then)

4. Jahez aik laanat hai…..agar kum ho tou.

(Curses on the practice of dowry… if it is insufficient)

5. Garbage trucks collecting garbage from one place and spreading it all over the city.

6. You can’t double park on the narrow Zaibunissa Street or Tariq Road in the middle blocking the ongoing traffic. The vehicle will be towed away, unless there is someone in the driver’s seat, in which case it’s perfectly okay.

7. Traffic wardens standing in heat, dust and diesel smoke all day? Let’s make their uniforms white!

8. Want to protest against loadshedding? Let’s burn all those vehicles and offices that could only help with fixing the problem.

9. Want to protest against America and Israel? How about we buy their flags and then burn them?

10. Facebook and Twitter Jihadis changing the country by liking/sharing patriotic posts on social media. They also sleep through the Election Day.

11. We have a Kashmir Day holiday, you said? It’s going to be so tough picking between Dabangg 2 and Race 2 at Atrium Cinema.

12. Kashmir banega Pakistan. (Kashmir will become part of Pakistan). But oh, I haven’t heard of any city other than Srinagar, let alone what the issue is.

13. I hate America! I hate it even more for cancelling the visa lottery scheme in Pakistan.

14. To condemn violence, let’s create more violence.

15. You have a political/religious procession and the threats of an attack are very high requiring you to seal the route? Let’s choose the only road for the occasion that leads to all the major hospitals in Karachi.

16. So there’s a shortfall in the electricity production? How about we call Saturdays off in the government sector instead of working extra hours and helping building the economy so maybe, just one day we could be able to streamline the economy, pay our debts and be self-sufficient in the electricity production? Nah, calling off Saturdays sounds much, much more effective.

17. Consistent strikes, law and order situation, extortion and threat calls affecting business in the economic hub? How about we shut down business in the entire city to protest it?

18. So somebody broke into your house while you were out of town? Kindly give us the description of the thief. (Happened to someone I know.)

19. You are guilty unless proven innocent.

Sincerely,

The Police (every bribe you take)

20. One of the biggest air force bases in the country is also available for weddings and corporate events.

21. Where people think that Israel is their biggest enemy, they can’t name any three Israeli cities without Googling. Know thy enemy!

22. “We will be conducting a secret mass targeted operation against gangs in Lyari as of midnight. Beware!” says the interior minister live on TV.

23. Intelligence agencies warned about a truck loaded with explosives entering Karachi. Well, thanks for the heads up, I guess.

24. Terrorists are highly trained and are funded in billions by enemy states. Hey! Why don’t we block mobile services because they’d still be relying on ghanta offers and SMS packages and have probably never heard of satellite phones or simply a walkie-talkie? Brilliant idea!

25. Suspending mobile services and taking extra precautionary measures on highly volatile days only means that the government is not okay with people dying on that particular day.

26. So you’ve just been promoted as a general in the army? How about you go to the US and take war courses in the Midwest so they can teach you strategies and know your moves beforehand?

27. So you two countries don’t get along and have sectarian differences? How about we fight your war in our homeland?

28. The finance minister said exports fell in the previous fiscal year. Well, that was bound to happen when all the containers that were supposed to be on a ship were lying on our streets to protect the VIPs.

29. It is here where the news headlines in the same news bulletin go like this: Bomb claims 80 lives in Quetta; Karachi faces another episode of violence as target killing continues; drone kills 18 in South Waziristan including women and children; a panda gave birth to twins in Shanghai Zoo, Salman Khan hopeful for the success of Dabangg 2 (Fevicol song plays in the background).

30. So it’s your leader’s birthday/death anniversary tomorrow? How about we shut down all the schools in the country just so this nation could be put a day behind from being educated so that maybe one day they don’t end up becoming what your “visionary” leader had envisaged.

Read more by Junaid here or follow him on Twitter @june_aid

Junaid Akram

Junaid Akram

A Pakistani stand up comedian based in Dubai who tweets at @june_aid (twitter.com/june_aid)

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Baba

    Sad but true ….
    Gr8 article and i will surely gonna hate US if they didnt give me fulbright :p
    one more thing ye article mujhay ameeerka aur india ki sazish lagtihai :D Recommend

  • Dr Dang

    This article should be part of the constituition.
    Reminds me of a popular bollywood joke.
    one Indian character says ” mera bharat mahaan” (my India is great).. while the other Indian character asks ” who’s Bharat ?”Recommend

  • Irony

    Funny, funny world we live in…don’t we?Recommend

  • Sidrah

    Lol good job author.Recommend

  • Hitokiri

    The Police (Every bribe you take) pun was hilarious!Recommend

  • shiza

    Hahahaha. Cracked me up!
    Couldn’t agree more (Y)Recommend

  • Singh

    Simply great.Recommend

  • http://gujrat RAW is WAR

    I go to western nations on the pretext of political/ economic/ religious refugees and end up converting the host countries to mini Pakistans. London, are you hearing?
    I kill and maim my generous hosts in the west and complain against them for Islamophobia.
    Recommend

  • Muhammad

    Nailed it!Recommend

  • BlackJack

    Brilliant!Recommend

  • Afia

    Funny yet sad but true!!Recommend

  • Ahsen

    outstanding! Very “TEEKHA” humour, tasty & spicy, revealing our dirty Undergarments under sophisticated Suits.Recommend

  • Maham Rawn

    Sadly, every bit of it is true..Recommend

  • GarlicFries

    Couldn’t agree upon this anymore! Indeed, a great article. It is sad how dangerous we are to our self in Pakistan.Recommend

  • Common Man

    Nailed it, Dear Junaid, this is truly a master piece, True reflection of our cynical society. It just showing a mirror of our Hippocratic society. Do show us the REAL person inside us with more blogs.
    Warmest Regards
    Common ManRecommend

  • Saqib

    i disagree point 24 because Mobile networks are not jammed because of communication.. they are shut because gprs technology is used to detonate bombsRecommend

  • Mishi

    Nailed it man …. Recommend

  • http://www.salmanzq.com salmanzq

    haha hilarious Junaid!Recommend

  • Hassan

    Perfect article. You have nailed it. Couldn’t have been done any better. (Y)Recommend

  • http://sameenhassan.wordpress.com sameen

    hilarious but harsh simultaneously.
    Defines every Pakistani in the best possible way

    . “It is here where the news headlines in the same news bulletin go like this: Bomb claims 80 lives in Quetta; Karachi faces another episode of violence as target killing continues; drone kills 18 in South Waziristan including women and children; a panda gave birth to twins in Shanghai Zoo, Salman Khan hopeful for the success of Dabangg 2 (Fevicol song plays in the background”

    Best one!Recommend

  • Laraib Abid

    wow really a nice one! facts!Recommend

  • http://urbah.tumblr.com/ Urbah

    Unfortunate but true.

    Very well written! (Y)Recommend

  • http://yaho anwar khan kharoti

    up to the mark. this is the phenomena of our nation that they only C one side of the pic and suggest wt is good 4 them not 4 nation. Recommend

  • Parvez

    You have stayed away from religiosity…………….good.Recommend

  • Pakistani

    HAHA True Story. A brilliant read.Recommend

  • yumi

    i am not Tahir ul qadri and like him many who get all the previlages in west but still dont wanna leave us alone…Recommend

  • http://www.skotato.com Moiz Khan

    Ye saazish hai! Jala daalo is ke furniture ko!Recommend

  • Rizwan

    One word…… Awesome Man.Recommend

  • Ammar Malik

    Find someone and get married. You’re not allowed to date!

    Are you suggesting that people start dating in an Islamic state?Recommend

  • Mudasir Ale

    This is so sad, but true. You forgot about Na Maluum Afraad :/Recommend

  • M Khalid

    1. It hints that we need to clear our perceptions. The hypocracy mainly lies where our nation is taunted for illiteracy yet denied education by bombing scores of our schools? Don’t you think it involves a foreign hand? Each Kg of modern explosive used in these bombing costs fortune! Do you think these wayside bombers can afford it without the help of a well connected network? Can they gather the information even themselves required for planning any such target? They r attacking the targets like AWACS aircrafts in Karachi base which threatens no-one but our arch enemy! When you want to destroy a nation, destroy it educational structure. This is what is happening with us. It needs a small article to explain. We r being be-fooled into believing that some bearded illiterate unscrupulous elements r doing this! It is not possible without masterminding through a well connected well organized network!————-We need to wake up! For GODSAKE wakeup!

    2. Second, why the democracy in their countries is different from the democracy enforced in our country! Yet the British PM aand US watch-dogs come running to support this democracy! It is their ‘Plient Govt’ and not Democracy that they r supporting (I can eplain if someone desires as this ‘Plient(bowing down) Govt’ issue has a background). Putting Deocracy & Corruption in one square is the biggest hypocracy of today’s era! Leaving aside the conventional definition I define democracy in one word as ‘Merit’ where Corruption is non- merit! How can you put the merit and non-merit in one square and play the song ‘Sub Kuchh Achha hay!’Recommend

  • Pakistan

    Very nicely written!Recommend

  • Jasir

    Loved every bit of it. Bravo!Recommend

  • Maha Mansoor

    A very aptly put. Well done.Recommend

  • Baba Ji

    nicely written … shabaash … very few are left with this kind of writing style … Recommend

  • Sundus

    agreed on every point!Recommend

  • sameera farooq

    well done!!Recommend

  • Samreen Shaikh

    One word, “Awesome”. You really nailed it,.Recommend

  • Armeen’s Mum

    “Great Job”

    “PAKISTAN ZINDABAD”
    strong textRecommend

  • Sidrah Moiz Khan

    Love this piece!Recommend

  • Sheeda

    Nicely written…best one among all…..Recommend

  • http://somereasonsomerhyme.blogspot.com TM

    I would agree with some of the things mentioned by the author. But a lot of the things mentioned in fact do not exist ‘Only’ in Pakistan. Being a student in UAE I’ve met several ppl from other countries who could relate to a lot of these things. Please don’t bad mouth your own country. Specially during a time when people already have over-exageratted misconceptions regarding our country. I agree that things are not going well here (understatement), but people already know what a ‘pathetic’ place our country is turning into. It would have only been fair to add some positive things that (no matter what people say) do exist ‘only’ in Pakistan.Recommend