Are you a real Karachiite?

Your window was tapped on by a man dressed as a woman who called you Shahrukh Khan while giving you cute looks. Check.

Imagine this. You’re lying down, dead beat from a long day and really not looking forward to yet another monotonous day ahead of you. No, not because you hate your boss but more so because your boss hates you.

You’re done surfing through all the 87 useless channels that your beloved cable TV operator provides. You refresh your Facebook profile one last time on your supposedly 'smart' phone, hoping for a new notification, friend request, or a wall post ─  anything. You put on your PJs and hop into bed. The last two minutes before you slumber, that’s when your whole day flashes back. You check if it’s complete and then snooze.

To help you use those two minutes efficiently, here is a quick checklist that you can keep by your bedside, at all times. Through this list you can ascertain whether you spent a typical Karachi day or not. Keep it close, keep it safe.

1. At least two people in the city were gunned down by na maloom afraad (unidentified people) Check.


2. Used abusive expressions in at least three different languages to refer to KESC. Check.


3. Waited in an excruciatingly long line to fill up CNG in the car. At the end, had to dish out cash to fill up petrol instead since you were getting late for work. Check.


4. Your window was tapped on by a man dressed up as a woman who repeatedly called you Shahrukh Khan while giving you cute looks. Check.


5. You cursed or waved your fist at someone on the road. Check.


6. Someone cursed or waved their fist at you on the road. Check.


7. You lodged a complaint about your internet connection with WorldCall or PTCL. Check.


8. At least one person you know got deprived of their cell phone and personal belongings at gun point. Check.


9. Rolled your window up and held your breath till you were way ahead of the damn fish truck. Check.


10. Covered the 5km distance from II Chundrigar to your house, in a record breaking two hours. Check.


11. Your lungs repeatedly filled up with a mixture of second hand smoke, carbon monoxide and methane (courtesy of your co-workers) several times during the course of the day. Check.


12. Had a craving for dining at Burns Road. Check.


13. Had a delightful conversation with someone who could barely keep his mouth open lest the paan would fall out. Check.


14. Had a craving for some chicken garlic mayo rolls. Check.


15. Had to take a detour because a perfectly functional road was dug up randomly and magically over night. Check.


16. Heard someone use the cerebral expanding phrases ‘haath kay haath’ and ‘de maar saarhay chaar’ needlessly in a sentence. Check.


17. Spotted another one of those Dr Gholam Mujtaba billboards. Check.


18. Spotted a traffic policeman hitching a ride from someone to get to work. Check.


19. An elite, highly trained sniper paan spitter hanging heroically from the entrance of a mini bus splattered your driver side window with his precision shot. Check.


20. Heard someone blaring the multi-Grammy award winning songs ‘Munni badnaam’ or ‘Jiay Bhutto Benazir’ on their 15watt car speakers in an unnecessarily souped up Alto. Check.


21. Spotted ‘Bad Boy 420’, ‘Don’t Jealous’, ‘Gorilla Commando’ and ‘Jhokia No.1’ roaming around the city. Check.


22. Memorised a new shair (verse) from the back of a mini bus or a water tanker and reproduced it for your friends and had a laugh. Check.


23. Car’s windshield was needlessly wiped clean by a pack of pre-pubescent four-footers who refused to acknowledge any sort or language; verbal or sign. Check.


24. Thanked God there was no ‘incident’ in the city. Or if there was one, thanked God you weren't centre of it. Or if you were, thanked God you made it out alive. Check.


25. Checked off another day on the calendar till the weekend. Check.

Note: If you ended up checking 15 items or more every night for a week, you truly are a Karachiite!

Read more by Mobeen here.