The idiot’s guide to open-mindedness

Published: December 15, 2012
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Rational means everything that you think is right. Basically, it stands for all of these lovely open-minded merits of ours. DESIGN: ERUM SHAIKH

It is all about having an ‘open-mind’ these days. A mind so open that your brains might fall out!

Listen here, be open-minded. It will free you. From everyone you don’t like, from all things that bore you, from dogma, biases and irrationality.

Remember, open-minded people don’t condemn drone-strikes– even if collateral damage breaks their heart and makes them want to end this stupid drone business somehow – dead terrorists or no.

See, drones might kill innocent people. But then terrorists kill innocent people too. And this justifies collateral damage in a twisted way.

Now go figure. And don’t forget to Tweet about this.

And please, no mention of collateral damage when you talk of Malala. Your face must look like you just had a root canal- at any mention of that wonderful, wonderful girl.

You must pretend that you are not irritated by this grotesquely blown out of proportion hullabaloo. And try and write a love poem for her in Pashto.

No wait, someone’s already done that. Try Punjabi. Hold on, pick Spanish. Open-minded people don’t do Punjabi. Now Tweet this.

Also, you are Malala. I am Malala. My mom is Malala. Your mom is Malala. My dead grandmother’s long lost neighbour is also Malala.

They just weren’t as open-minded enough back then to realise who she really was. Tweet. And change your Facebook profile picture. Duck-faced pose is a must- Malala’s picture in background.

Of course dear, I believe in your freedom to choose. But somehow, because I’m so open-minded, I also know what more ‘intelligent’ people will choose. And I silently look down upon those who don’t choose what I think they should choose.

Call it a bias if you must. Biases are okay, everyone has them- part of life. Now, update Facebook status. And bark. I mean, Tweet.

Malala, it’s been so long since we mentioned her.

So hey, why on earth do you force your children to go to madrassas?

That’s just not how it’s done. What? You think Western education indoctrinates people? Oh my, you are so biased. I mean, yes I know, I’m biased too. But there’s a limit to how biased you should be. And only I know what that limit is.  And let me tell you that you’ve crossed that limit.

Don’t you understand? It’s impossible for children to be civilised and enlightened if they don’t read Shakespeare. And dear me, stop forcing them to read stuff- unless it is Shakespeare. Now Tweet about this.

What double standards? Look, you need to stop saying all these close-minded things.

Malala,

Tralalalala,

Oooolala. Wow. I’ll make one heck of a poet!

Most importantly, you must be well-read to be open-minded. But don’t trouble yourself so much with books. Here’s the shortcut; human history begins with the French Revolution. This was when a bunch of people refused to eat slices of cake. Then everyone became a liberal and began to import silk from China and spices from India and the global economy boomed.

What conquests? No, no, it was all through peaceful trade agreements. What you’re saying is all propaganda. God, you’re so gullible! Tweet.

Malala. Obama. Obala. Malama. Hahaha.

Human history, my dear, ends with Francis Fukuyama. Fukuyama was this very open-minded man who thought that ideological evolution reached its final stage with the triumph of Western liberal democracy.

Sounds cool doesn’t it? No, no. No need to read that book of his. What’s Wikipedia for?

Lastly, remember that being open-minded is the only rational thing.

Rational means everything that you think is right. Basically, it stands for all of these lovely open-minded merits of ours.

You need to memorise this word; rational.

Use it in conversations every day. And never mind its strict philosophical definitions. Just use it whenever you feel like you don’t have a good counter-argument. Okay? Malala. Tweet.

Read more by Faiza here.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.