Pakistan’s next top Politician

Published: November 14, 2012
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There's no need for education as it stretches the mind. ILLUSTRATION: IMAAN SHEIKH

It is no secret that in Pakistan, politicians and political parties are increasing abundantly, but true leaders are hard to find. With the passage of time, we’ve actually managed to change the definition of being a “leader” in this country.

With my sincerest apologies to revered leaders of Pakistan, we must admit that we have been a leaderless nation since Jinnah passed. Thus, I have made a classified advertisement to spot a leader on sight. So, read below to find out what makes a true Pakistani leader!

Job description and responsibilities:

A leader is required to lead a crowd of poor and devastated people affected by floods, earthquakes, poverty, corruption, unemployment and terrorism. He should have the following qualities:

Education:

There’s absolutely no need for this as it stretches the mind. To resolve issues faced by Pakistan, education is totally unnecessary, but if you really must hold a degree of some sort,  your degree’s legitimacy is of no concern to us. Graduation will do more than enough and both type of degrees are accepted: fake and original.

Experience:

Political experience is required and modern ways of resolving problems is not appreciated. Someone that has pre-defined and pre-determined all results would be suitable. Leaders who think out of the box are not apt for the feat. We are comfortable in our bubble.

The candidate should should have the ability to make decisions based on past events and experiences. He should steer clear of adopting new approaches and strategies to resolve the aforementioned issues. Persons with failed strategies in the past will be preferred as they have more experience in dealing with failure than the ones who have been successful for only a brief amount of time.

Background:

Your family tree is the key point in your selection. If you are a son or daughter of someone who has been martyred or hanged, is a gaddi nasheen peer, a former or current prime minister, or the president, then the corporate ladder can be ignored. Your promotion to a higher position will thus be achieved in less time.

Point to note here; make sure your father is a somebody, because we do not like leaders who have achieved greatness though their own hard work,

Even with any of the given criteria present, preference will be given to stalwarts who have been with a party for over a few decades. If you are not a Bhutto, a Sharif, Khawaja, Junejo, Talpoor, Khakwani, Gillani, Drishak, Tareen or Qureshi, you are only good for protest rallies, receiving a nice tear-gassing and laathi charge every now and then.

Leadership skills:

We are searching for people who are leaders by crises, not by choice or achievement. No personal history of accomplishing tasks is required. If you have a heroic story and have done something righteous against all odds, you are certainly not the person we are looking for! Shoo! The more intriguing your story sounds to us, the fewer ratings you will receive.

Experience in prison:

If you have served jail time for charges such as corruption, murder, money laundering, attacking, contempt of apex courts, you are more than welcome to apply! A person who has experience in looting and transferring money in cahoots from government projects will be given preference.

Ethics:

Integrity and honesty is not required as it can create hurdles for taking steps in national interests.

Pftt! As if I even had to mention that one.

Vision:

We are looking for people who are counteractive, not proactive. Your visionary business is not appreciated. Working to eradicate a problem only after it has become an epidemic is the right way to go. Trying to ensure that the problem never occurred in the first place is just a ‘no no’.

Funds are essential for our survival; if we don’t have a crisis at hand, we won’t get monetary support. No long term betterment strategy is required to amend or improve the police system, thana culture, patwari system and educational system. Kindly ignore the corruption in government departments, too. You have nothing to do with it.

Age: There is no age limit. We don’t believe in discarding valuable brains based on medical reasons. Road and air ambulances can be provided on a case-to-case basis for attending National Assembly sessions, or in case of extreme pressure from any other institution.

Origin: A person who hails from a specific (rather popular) area of a province will be highly preferred. This helps to make people emotional and turn people against each other, which in turn helps with hiding corruption cases.

The more of the above qualities you have, the better your chances of becoming a politician get!

Follow Shoaib on Twitter @Shoaib_Rabbani

Shoaib Rabbani

Shoaib Rabbani

A telecom engineer, working as radio network optimiser for a cellular company, a freelance filmmaker and a guitarist, Shoaib tweets as @Shoaib_Rabbani twitter.com/Shoaib_Rabbani

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