Hafiz Saeed: The (10) million dollar man

Published: April 4, 2012
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I know some of you will be thinking "but this harms our ghairat" but let’s be honest with ourselves for once. We’d sell our souls for less, hell we do it every day in Pakistan with our corrupt practices! IMAGE: JAHANZAIB HAQUE

Ten million dollars. Not one, not five, 10!

This is it Pakistanis. If you don’t take this opportunity, you have no one else to blame but yourself for not winning this lottery. Easier than any question asked by Amitabh Bachchan on KBC, this is the fastest, surest way to the top guys. America has answered your prayers and you can get out of poverty – now!

Even with the usual 10% ‘charges’, this would leave you with a cool $9 million. Move to Karachi, officially the world’s cheapest city, and live the rest of your life in a nice bungalow with hundreds of maids. And we’re talking Defense, not your Lalu Kheth and Korangi housings.

All you have to do is hand over Hafiz Saeed – that guy who walks freely on our streets. The same dude our courts have shamelessly let off scot free despite his blatant transgressions. In order to help my fellow Pakistanis, I will give you some tips to find this mysterious man in ‘hiding’:

  • He’s a 60 something man who wears the white Muslim prayer hat and sports a long beard. Okay, that could be anyone in your mohalla mosque
  • He’s a portly mullah, the kind that makes you wonder whether he is spending that charity money on KFC binges for himself
  • You’ll find him mouthing off stuff about cutting India up like it is a piece of mutton and he’s a butcher
  • He has been addressing the Difa-e-Pakistan conferences, or as they are known otherwise, Defy-Pakistan’s-laws-and-make-a-mockery-of-them conferences
  • Listening to his speeches, you will notice that he could have been a good qawali singer judging by his vocal abilities
  • Last but not least, he openly holds public rallies promoting youngsters to go to jihad where they will live in tough conditions, before retiring into his bungalow house in Lahore’s suburbs – that nice Johar Town area.

Remember also, Zardari’s on his way to India this month. He’s still waiting for his Inferior – I mean Interior Minister Rehman Malik to confirm the story. Hurry up before he steals this opportunity and takes Hafiz himself. Forget Kony 2012, grab that mullah and make your money!

I know some of you will be thinking “but this harms our ghairat” but let’s be honest with ourselves for once. We’d sell our souls for less, hell we do it every day in Pakistan with our corrupt practices!

I do wonder what Hafiz’s thoughts are on this. Imagine waking up one day and knowing your true worth. He must be delighted. However, reports have confirmed that his mother, in typical desi mother’s fashion, twisted his ear and scolded him for ending up second behind Ayman al Zawahri:

Mayray betay may kya kamee hay jo usko sirf 10 million kee bounty lagaygee hay, mayra beta bhi 25 million say kum nahee.

( What does my son lack that only a bounty of $10 million has been offered for him, he deserves no less than $25 million)

And with Hafiz’s insistence on being a charitable person, he would be happy to turn himself in. There is no way his ‘charity’ organisation could raise that money on its own. This double master’s degree holder and suicide bombing advocate will surely recognise the amount of help all that money would bring to the poor in the country. And with his insistence on us making sacrifices for Islam and for Muslims, this is the best way to practice what he preaches. He must be over the moon.

All he has to do is go with the American authorities (that too alive and not shot dead and body thrown into the ocean) and we Pakistanis would be 10 million dollars richer  – which could go towards feeding the poor. He does seem to favour this in his recent quote:

I am living my life in the open and the US can contact me whenever they want.

The US is now trying to find his Facebook profile to get in touch; alternatively his Skype ID will also help.

But this announcement surely makes things awkward amongst his circle of friends. Imagine sitting with them when you have a 10 million dollar bounty on you. Any time one of them excuses themselves to go to the bathroom, every other person would be thinking “He better not call the authorities… before I get a chance.”

All in all, prosperity is coming towards Pakistan. China, Bangladesh and India may have overtaken us in manufacturing clothes and other products. But our exclusive, high-quality terrorist line still demands the highest prices, manufactured in Pakistan, demanded in America.

Read more by Salman here.

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Salman Qureshi

A Masters graduate in International Business from the University of Wollongong Dubai. He is a standup and Improv comedian based in Dubai with an intense interest in reviving and supporting arts in Pakistan. He blogs at: salmanzq.blogspot.com/

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.