Baby scare: Motherhood can change your life

Published: February 21, 2012
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I spent the entire night in self-loathing, remembering all the things my close ones had said to me.

On December 2, 2010 I called my obstetrician/gynaecologist’s  office only to hear the words:

 “Ma’am, you are seven weeks pregnant!”

I couldn’t believe my ears. What the nurse told me seemed impossible. I immediately logged on to Googletalk and broke the news to my husband. He wanted to share the news with his family members, but I was still in a state of disbelief and stopped him from spreading the word.

I spent that entire day crying, wrapped under a blanket, until my husband came home. After a few days, he started sharing the ‘good news’ and simultaneously, I started receiving ‘congratulation’ and advice about taking good care of myself for the baby’s sake. Regardless of all the happy buzz around me, deep inside, I was extremely sad to accept the ‘good news’.

I had never planned to get pregnant six months after I graduated, I had spent two and a half years of my newly married life studying for my MA in the US, hoping to see myself with a stable job and a decent earning. Luckily, somehow I had landed a decent job in the third month of my pregnancy and it turned out to be the best euphoric drug to escape from my pregnant body. I started working from January 3, 2011 and pushed back the reality of my pregnancy in the least used corner of my mind.

From then on, I began enjoying every day of work with a co-worker who was also happened to be pregnant. The only difference between us was that she was bursting with joy and I was frequently hiding and sobbing in the corner of my work table, wiping my tears away and popping a candy or cookie into my mouth to sweeten up my prenatal depression.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months until I reached the fourth month, and I was still unable to control my sobs and cries over the unwanted pregnancy. Finally, I gathered the courage to talk to my husband about my unhappiness. To my surprise, I discovered that he was harbouring similar feelings. We both talked for a couple of days and decided to visit a nearby planned parenthood clinic. I still remember my counselor’s words:

If killing an unborn baby is a crime, then bringing an unwanted baby into the world is a far bigger crime, because you will not be able to nurture the baby the way his existence deserves to be nurtured.

I absorbed the counselling and with a sceptic heart, made an appointment for vacuum aspiration.

But the night before the appointment, I started developing strange thoughts of falling in love with this unborn baby’s presence in my body.

I spent the entire night in self-loathing, remembering all the things my close ones had said to me. Whenever I talked about my unhappiness to close family members, I was always reminded of being ungrateful about the biggest blessing of all time. They made me think about the pain of the couples who were unable to conceive and reminded me that my status as a woman in the role of a mother, would be a sign of a happy and long-lasting marriage. They scared me with the notion of “what if you are unable to conceive later on, and your husband abandons you for being sterile!”

All these words echoed in my ears and the first thing I did was call the surgical unit of the clinic and cancelled my appointment, even though the nurse told me that the chances of dying from childbirth are far higher than dying during the abortion procedure.

With swollen eyes and a heavy heart, I decided to move on with this unwanted pregnancy, thinking that after maternity leave, I would be able to go back to work. However, to my surprise, in my fifth month my boss suddenly disappeared and we were sent home with some cash and told that the company was no longer in business.

My patched up self-confidence was brutally hit, yet again, and this time I went through inconsolable crying.  Amidst all the heartbreak, I still tried applying for a new job until the day my work permit in the US expired. Totally shattered, with no hopes of ever being able to work, I was still hearing from my family members:

It is good you do not have to work anymore you will have more time for your baby’s upbringing.

Once the baby is born, you will not even get time to think about your unemployment.

Once again, days turned into weeks and weeks into months until I was lying on the birthing table. To that day, I had not fallen in love with the fact that I was pregnant! Even his first cry did not melt my stone-cold heart. I pretended to be a happy mother in front of my family and cried in the darkness of the night. I scolded my infant and did not feel attached to his presence in my life.

Now he is a six and a half month old healthy baby boy, and I still think about working some day, in spite of my life being filled with his laughs, dirty diapers and hungry cries. But even if I do get a job opportunity, the earnings are usually far to little to squeeze in daycare because I will always be short of enough professional experience right after my graduation.

I am not advocating abortion or trying to gain my readers’ sympathy. All I am trying to convey is that women need to be cautious and confident with life decisions. Most importantly, we should learn to listen to our mind and body first, rather than what society and family members dictate. The system of the world is not gender-friendly anyway, unless there are enough women in the making of social policies.

As Bertrand Russell said, being humans, we are free to work out our own destiny. The responsibility is ours, and so is the opportunity.

 

 

 

Tasneem Z Faridi

Tasneem Z Faridi

The author is an M.A. graduate in Corporate and Public Communication from the USA, who aspires to teach Gender/Women Studies in the the coming years.

The views expressed by the writer and the reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of The Express Tribune.

  • Mehreen

    This is a well written piece and I can totally sympathise with the author. During my 20s I concentrated on my education and building a career for myself. I went travelling, spent time with friends and pursued all the hobbies I was interested in. My family kept telling me get married and quickly have children but i wasn’t ready for it so I didn’t. I got married at 31 and now at 33 I am pregnant and happy. If this had happened to me a couple of years before I would have gone through the exact same thing the author describes. So yes the message is to be careful and cautious. Recommend

  • Morning Glory

    I wish you all the best with your baby and that he gets the love he deserves… Its the most precious relationship, and an eternal one. Don’t spoil it with worldly needs and wishes.Recommend

  • Haris

    How can a woman not love and cherish her sweet and angelic baby when he laughs and does all the cute stuff? Babies are the best things on this planet ever If you were unsure even 30 months after your marriage, should have used contraceptives. Recommend

  • anonymous

    well written and i can so relate to that since it is my biggest fear. i don’t know how to overcome it and i think if i had to experience something similar, i would have gone through the same emotions!!Recommend

  • http://bakedsunshine.wordpress.com Shumaila

    Good blog. You’ve quite clearly clarified the myth that all women absolutely love to have children and that once they’re born everything becomes rosy and wonderful in the woman’s life and she forgets her career and everything else and “settles down”.

    The truth is, unplanned pregnancies can turn a person’s life upside down, especially for women. I don’t know why this isn’t stressed so much, why only the positives of having children are stressed (and the opposite considered somehow abnormal). You cannot be too careful before bringing a child into this world. Physical, mental, financial, all sorts of preparations are required and if one is not ready then one simply shouldn’t. It is unfair to the family, to the unborn and especially to the woman herself. Recommend

  • Mehreen

    @Haris: Its rather simplistic to assume that a woman can be ready for a baby at anytime. I think there is always a right time and that time differs for everyone. Recommend

  • Mirza

    I respect the way you have came forward writing this article, it’s not only in Pakistan but everywhere; having a baby is considered to be a must after getting married. Even in ‘open-minded’ societies like U.S, the question of having or aborting a pregnancy still raises questions.. I agree not many people understand this phenomena that there are people who don’t want kids! that doesn’t mean they hate kids or they don’t like kids of their friends and their relatives; but they don’t want one of their own! even with your husband’s support (which is RARE!) you opted to have a baby and now the new life is here and it is your blood, i hope you will be able to nurture that child the best way possible for you!

    P.S: Long Live Protection!Recommend

  • Kool man

    Having a baby is a 30s thing. You dont want to have one in 20s. Its stupid. Maybe you should give him/her away with a educational funding or such.Recommend

  • Arsalan

    Me and my wife met when we were class fellows in MPhil. We decided about getting married and by the end of our MPhil we were a married couple. The day we got married, every he and she started advising us about the horrors of family planning and joys of having kids as soon as possible, but we resisted and preferred to listen to our hearts. We left Pakistan for our studies, did our PhDs as well as travelled around the world and enjoyed our life as a couple. 6 years after our marriage at the age of 31 and my wife 30, we decided about having a kid and now we are happy parents of a 6 months old boy. We are stable in our profession and have ten times better financial situation than that of when we got married. Consequently we can provide much better resources to our kids than we could provide five years ago.
    As the writer said, “we should learn to listen to our mind and body first, rather than what society and family members dictate.” Satbilize your career and enjoy your life as a couple before you become a parent.
    However on the other hand I am strongly against the abortion. It is just like punishing an innocent soul for your own mistake. If you don’t want baby for whatever reason, plan your sex life accordingly so that you don’t have terminate an innocent life.Recommend

  • Lady

    All i want to say is that i love my baby and he was the best thing that has happened to me!Recommend

  • http://awaisaftab.blogspot.com F

    Of all the articles I’ve ever read on ET, only yours feels like it was written by a real woman. Not someone playacting at being another person’s notion of what a woman should be.
    Thank you for your honesty.Recommend

  • Awais

    Ah, my mother was forced into marraige when she was 17, she never got to make any decisions about her life or what she wanted to do (thanks to her uneducated mother). I’ve never had the balls to ask her whether she actually wanted any children but i’m glad that some women in Pakistan can make their own choices without having to be forced by society/family. Recommend

  • shahzad

    I m a bit sad to hear this all from a mother . Who prefer job and career . I think first of all it was your own fault to marry and age when u were not ready then to conceive a baby which u were not expecting . Recommend

  • zumba

    you and your husband need to use something called ‘protection/contraceptives’ that surely prevents such ‘unwanted’ pregnancies. better luck next time. Recommend

  • Haq

    Not every woman is selflessly maternal. To raise a child you need to grow up enough as a person to be able to put up with unreasonable behavior with immense patience. If you don’t have it in you, get someone else to raise that child, because believe it or not, babies can tell when they are loved or not, and this is a sure fire formula for raising a socially inept, dysfunctional and depressed human being.Recommend

  • http://www.sanahameedbaba.weebly.com Sana Hameed Baba

    Congratulations Tasneem :) Well grass is always greener on the other side – my sister went through a similar phase but her baby has grown on her tremendously now. I was myself for a long time of the opinion that I would perhaps never want a baby, but I later realized that was because I never came across a person whose baby I would like to have. Not sure what many women think, but for me its all about finding the right person whose genes I think are worthy enough to be transferred, else its a futile exercise just to have a baby for the sake of having a baby.Recommend

  • zumba

    and why was my comment edited? what i offered was decent advice. the child will someday grow up and read this blog :) Recommend

  • http://lonepkliberal.wordpress.com Loneliberal PK

    I think it’s disgraceful and shamefully manipulative of people to try to scare a woman into raising an unwanted child. A woman’s liberty is more sacred than a ball of protoplasm in her womb, that does not even know the difference between existing and not existing.

    For the author, of course, this argument is now moot. Best of luck with your child, and I hope you find the strength and courage to cope with the trials of motherhood.Recommend

  • Wow

    You can ‘listen’ all you want to your mind, heart and body. But once you become pregnant…you have to accept it! Abortion is the most horrific thing one could possibly do. Do you know the way the innocent life is taken out of you? in pieces! What did a poor baby do to deserve that?? If you don’t want unwanted pregnancies..use contraceptives!! better still, dont have sex at all! because no form of contraceptives is 100 percent! This article was utterly depressing to read, I feel sorry for your baby. Recommend

  • K

    @ Tasneem: I don’t really know your situation but I think in your case you really need to have some post partum counseling, along with some one on one therapy sessions. I understand that you never accepted your pregnancy and when you did, you did only releuctantly, but there is no need to suffer and make the baby suffer as well. A lot of moms feel that they have to leave their old self behind to raise their baby but you should set time aside for yourself, ask a relative or friend or your husband to take care of your baby while you decompress for a while. if you are in the US you might also find some mommmy and me classes that will help you bond with your baby. if you don’t know where to start, ask your OB/GYN. Please please do whatever you can, whether wanted or unwanted you and your husband are responsible for this life you helped bring in this world. AS the baby grows up he will feel that there is something amiss if you still dont feel close to him. So please dont wait and suffer and dream about getting a job someday, do something about it. We oboviously don’t know how your husband feels now that the baby is here hopefully he has accepted that bundle of joy. I wish you well and I hope you realize in time that even though you didn’t plan for baby life takes unexpected turns and changes tremendously and you embrace what ever comes your way. Good Luck to the baby, you and your husband.

    ps — you might also need to talk to your OB/gyn if you got pregnant while using contraceptives, and if you weren’t using any protection then there should have been no surprise.Recommend

  • http://noone karrar hussain

    one thing i want to say is that the main responsibility of a women is to nourish the new generation with love ,affection and ,care .ALLAH has given these qualities to women ,so it is much important that a women should not prefer his jobs ,career etc on their childrens and babies .
    although , from my view point women should be allowed to go for jobs etc but the preference should be given towards their family and babies because the women can actually built a successful and long lasting happy family . Recommend

  • murassa sanaullah

    abortion should be allowed to rape victims and weak haelth mothers, if the pregnancy is life threatning then what can one do. but a lot of women use abortions as a family planning procedure this is usually done when the poor women is sick and tired of giving birth to seven or eighth child. Recommend

  • maria

    @zumba:
    no contraceptive in world gives 100% sureity that pregnancy wont happen….there r always chances…….Recommend

  • Author

    @Haq:
    First of all this article does not talk about every woman’s feeling after achieving motherhood and you are not a woman either so you do not know what a woman’s body or mind goes through after having a baby. Most importantly, this article talks about the other side of motherhood often not heard and recognized in our society because of people with your type of mindset. Secondly, this article did not ask for your advices on how to raise a baby. Lastly, if you are so much concerned and aware about “socially inept, dysfunctional and depressed human being” let me ask you, how many underprivileged children have you stopped from begging on streets and provided support to victims of substance abuse in Pakistan? It is very easy to fire your likes and dislikes on issues you have not experience.Recommend

  • kay jay

    Seriously like 90% of the newly married couples in Pakistan do not even know each other properly and they become parents… how can you be successful parents when you are still in the getting to know phase…

    I believe after marriage one must fully enjoy their couple life and then think of being parents

    A baby is a huge responsibility that completely changes the dynamics of your relation with your wife so please ladies and gentlemen think 10 times before having a child..

    plan your sexual life… However, if you do get pregnant i do not necessarily advocate abortion…
    + there is no such thing as Unplanned pregnancy. being married to man who you sleep with daily, and one day you discover you are pregnant.. how is it suppose to be a surprise?Recommend

  • http://fruitforbidden.wordpress.com Forbidden Fruit

    Having a baby just because you’re “Told” to have a baby is probably the worst reason to procreate. Life requires a woman to be tough, either be tough and tell people off or toughen up and let your maternal instincts take over. Abortion is murder! I say instead of severing your own baby’s blood supply just because she’s helpless, man up and get your fallopian tubes/member severed! Can’t believe abortion is still a viable option in the 21st century.Recommend

  • questioner

    Planning, waiting and taking appropriate measures regarding parenthood is the best advice. Parenting is not easy by any means and most newly married couples have not even learnt to work through their differences before the crazy pressures of parenthood take a toll on them. Looking forward to a career even after having a baby is not selfish. Your complete existence should not be defined by motherhood alone. Your sense of self and sanity should be preserved as well. No parent should treat their child as a retirement plan and then be heart broken when their children wish for independence. Have a life of your own so you are not dependant on your children for your sense of worth and happiness.
    However, since you are now the mother of a (wanted or unwanted) child, you should make best of your situation and make sure you take care of your emotional health. Your child did not ask to be born, but it is your responsibility to do right by your child now that he is in this world. Depression is a common problem during and after pregnancy. About 13 percent of pregnant women and new mothers have depression. Depression after childbirth is called postpartum depression and can last up to one year after childbirth. You may need counseling and/or medicine so you can be the best mother to your child and the best version of you for yourself.Recommend

  • B.

    And oh, good wishes for your baby and to the couple.Recommend

  • Uzair

    “You should have used contraceptives”
    If you have planned so much for your future and your studies and have shown much determination for your job and education, you should have also planned your baby.
    Showing false care and joy for your own child is not good.Recommend

  • Faizan Afzal

    You are selfish; just imagine if your mother approaches you and say Tasneem ‘ i dont actually love you and when i was pregnent i use to curse you’.Recommend

  • Haniya

    Its very heartening to read such ‘accomodating’ and ‘humanistic’ views by men and women in public forums especially over such sensitive issues of marriage and childbirth etc. WHERE do all this liberal approach disappear in real life, really??? Our myopic visions only entails a ‘do or die’ situation. Why the hypocrisy, people!!!???Recommend

  • Kiran

    Well, while reading the blog i was bit biased towards the newly mother as i felt the Same during my early pregnancy as i left my job after feeling the health disturbances. Yes, in the beginning i was too reluctant & was at times in a state of depression as being a mother so early as its not an year passed off my wedding. But as time passed n esp as the baby started rolling in me i eventually embraced motherhood with lots of excitement ! I am nine months now n my baby is due on 10 march 2012 just five days before my first wedding anniversary !! The Journey from being Di to Tri have been great !!Recommend

  • Sadiqa

    Aww well……may be you will have a different opinion 10-15 years down the line. Life is not just about our goals and passions. Our aging parents have some rights on us and taking a career break is not the end of every thing. Look beyond yourself and don’t sulk in negativity. I m telling this with experience. Be grateful to Allah swt for this baby. Recommend

  • Haq

    @Author:
    I am a new mother and went through postpartum depression myself. But I got over it. Because I had a child who needed my attention more than my pity-party. And believe me, my child could tell the difference on days when I was down and on days when I was not. He is eight months old, and I shudder to think of ever causing any harm to him. Babies need lots of love and attention to thrive. They are trying enough to get on anyone’s nerves, maternal love is the only thing that protects them from harm.

    If you don’t feel maternal love, it is highly unjust to subject a child to that, because they can tell. Read any paper on child development and child psychology. An unhappy and uncaring mother is the root cause of most depression in grown adults.

    If you were building a case for postpartum depression, you did so very unsuccessfully. You never stated feeling anything but lack of desire for your child, hence my post. If you feel otherwise, you should state so.

    And yes I have helped underprivileged people and do so very often thank you very much. That is the nature of the work I do. I am not a house wife. I work a few hours a day and my son goes to day care, so really it’s not the end of the world if you have a child. And I too live in the US.Recommend

  • Parvez

    I liked the way you described your experience.
    Its all a series of learning experiences and most most times the full impact of the message comes much later.Recommend

  • Haq

    @Author:
    The fact that you got so offended by my comment, goes to show that you do care for your son. I’m sorry I offended you. Give yourself a break too. You don’t need to tell the world the worst of what you feel. It is brave to own up to it and say it. But then you should also admit that you do love your child and will never let any harm come to him, because you clearly do. Let him know too.Recommend

  • Mujtaba

    I personaly believe babies to couple its a blessing for them i guess which cant be described in words the joy n tears of mother whn she saw her child for the first time cant be described, a mother can forget everything whn she goes through the 9 months of pain n saw her baby, am sorry but i think ur motherhood doesnt exist if after seeing ur baby for the first time after birth, just think of couples who tries years years to get baby n they dont its a blessing for you be happy with ur family Inshllah Allah will settele everything. Just think how lucky r u to get this blessing mother burried there egos n wishes just for there babies just for family, tou am not married but still i can feel the joy of having ur own baby.Recommend

  • KM

    lucky for you this a blog and the changes of your son growing up to read this are slim Recommend

  • Haniya

    Its very heartening to see such ‘accomodating’ and ‘humanistic’ views voiced by men and women on public forums like these. WHERE are you all in real life??? It seems like its a ‘do or die’ situation for womenfolk in this society! Why the hypocrisy, people?Recommend

  • Hassan Kamal

    I am extremely sorry to say but the writer needs to get bit life and needs to develop some faith! It’s utter stupidity to think that we are driving everything ourselves, no offence though!!!
    SHB – You can always try to be that other green part of the grass, can’t you? you shouldn’t try to find the right person, rather try to become the one :)Recommend

  • http://arunahussain.com Aruna

    Tasneem,
    This is a great piece and Bravo for writing it – it takes a lot of courage for someone to openly talk about their feelings on such a subject. Our society especially has these intolerant notions about how women should behave towards pregnancy, childbirth and childrearing (as is quite evident from some of the comments above).

    I totally relate to you in the sense that my own pregnancy was totally unplanned. I went though some of the same thoughts, especially as I have been a total career-woman and also never felt particularly fond of children in general and the thought of having my own, at a time when I hadn’t been planning one, terrified me. The only difference is that despite all my fears it was love at first sight the minute I had my baby in my arms. However it is always different for everyone – what you have gone through is a huge mental trauma and ordeal, and it’s obvious you had and now have pre and post preg depression. You should definitely consider getting counselling as that will definitely help you a lot to overcome this situation, and only be beneficial for both you and your child.

    As for “no hopes of ever being able to work” or to work with less pay – that is not fully correct. There’s no such thing as not ever being able to work. If you want to, you will. Yes, it will be costly (daycare etc) but you will bear that cost in the short term for the longer term gains that will come later. Yes there will also be a setback as you will start working later than most people and so be a bit behind the curve, but again this will only be in the short term. In the long term you will overcome the hurdles and come out okay – you have to trust yourself : trust your willpower and ability to face the short term hurdles, and trust your calibre – and you will come out shining.

    You have to will yourself into having a positive outlook on the current situation as well as the future. Without that, all will be lost – for your as well as your baby’s wellbeing.

    All the best.Recommend

  • PT

    I commend you for a well written and honest article. You have talked about something that almost no one else in our society has. Issues related to psychology/mental health are considered irrelevant.

    Your life and your ambitions don’t stop at childbirth. Millions of moms are at the workplace, many work from home or at odd hours. Granted it won’t be the most conveniebutane it will put a financial strain, but you can do it. Family and career are both important, and you can balance everything. In fact I’ve seen many working moms who are completely on top of everything – raising kids, work, home, social activities, etc. I’m sure you can do it too.

    My only concern about this article is that your son will read it one day. Just be honest with him and talk about some of this stuff before he comes across it and has no context for it.Recommend

  • Sara

    Ms Faridi,

    It takes a woman with guts to write what you have written in our society where getting married and having kids is considered to be the ultimate achievement for a woman. Your naysayers may condemn you for lacking maternal instincts but the fact is that there are many women out there like you. Myself included. At 23 i was not ready to have a child as well. Not because of lost career opportunities but because i still had my own growing up to do. On the other hand as one other commenter wrote before me you should think about asking your doctor about Postpartum Depression. That’s another subject which is taboo in our culture.Recommend

  • Red

    Excellent article. Thank you for sharing your story. The thought of having a baby terrified the hell out of me and I often think the only way I will have one is I am pressurized to. Many, many women go through this. Our society is kind of messed up…it’s like a check-list – study, marry, have kids – all in succession, or you’re a failure. A bit simplistic but I’ve seen it happen time and again. Good luck with your fulfilling all your dreams!Recommend

  • jaweria

    this is a shame not to love ur child ask those who are not blessed with this thing and trying everyday to make it happen Recommend

  • syed Kashif Jafri

    Nice and well explained article. I totally disagree with author. I think every child bring his destiny and living from GOD. My wife is a doctor and when she had her first child her situation was more or less the same. she had to quit her job (well paid) and she was discriminated coz of being pregnant but I cannot explain the joy which we had with our first baby and also after with second baby. God has given us some much after their births and she is doing excellent in her career. Killing an unborn is very bad please dont do it.Recommend

  • sana tanveer

    dear tasneem,
    when i read your column first had i was angry that you were harbouring negative feelings for your pregnancy since iam a mother myself at 27, an architect and enrolled in my masters. i thought you were not a good mother. i had forgotten how i felt back then.
    but it took me to read it three times when i remembered my own feelings when i got preganant in my first month of marriage and delivered in exactly 10 months of being married. i remembered my elder female cousins telling me “jaldi kia thee, conterceptives use kerna tha na” even my friends were not sympathetic they mocked me saying ” tumhari love marriage thee kiaa? itni jaldi kai thee ” this is the same line being said by lots of people here..to use contraceptives and be careful !.my mother never told me about intercourse and contraceptives, ‘no way beta shushh…betiyaan aisi batein nahi kertin” nobody tells an about-to-be-married girl the various forms of contraceptive methods existing ! no sir, lets talk about bridal dresses and jewellery but not INTERCOURSE AND CONTRACEPTION ! even my husband was sooo afraid of contracetive methods as he had heard bad things about it..so before anybody blames the couple for the lack of knowledge about contraception. try talking to ur husband about it on the first night together !!
    for first three months of pregnancy i used to cry for hours in my room when i got back home from work. it was not easy, i had the worst form of pre natal depression and i was throwing up for upto three times a day until my 4th month !!!

    i can ablsoultely understand how u felt and are still feeling !!! i strongly advocate making informed decisions and being strong enough to take your own decisions after marriage ! my saas has still not forgiven me for having a C-section which she THINKS i could have avoided. !!
    motherhood is not a piece of cake or a joy ride throughout !! it takes every ounce of blood and energy from our body to make our babies happy, healthy and strong ! make sure you know what you are getting into !Recommend

  • Mirza Abeer

    One of the best pieces Ive ever read on Express Tribune. I can sympathize with what you have said but then again if you were so ‘unsure’ of having a child then why not use birth control?? That struck me as the most irresponsible thing second to you not having a healthy loving relationship with your baby. I feel for the poor guy. Recommend

  • TMohsin

    I am really depressed to read this blog. It is a shame and pity for us Muslims who do not have the basic knowledge that abortion is equal to a murder. And if you call yourself a Muslim, and abort your baby, you should know that you have committed a murder and will be answerable to Allah. Once a baby has a heartbeat, his life starts. But even the most literate of us are not aware of this simple phenomena. I guess common sense is not so common. If you did’nt want a baby you should have used contraceptive measures. Recommend

  • Anonymous 2

    Having a baby is the greatest blessing that can happen in a person’s life.. and may I add that abortion is equal to murder… having a thought of murduring your own child and then trying to justify it…. GOD HELP U… Recommend

  • Sarz IQ

    I appreciate that you showed the ‘world’ the other side of the coin, bravo! I also suffered from post partum depression and it was horrific, I felt my child was an alien invading my life and taking over my freedom and sanity. But through counseling and help from my family and friends, I realized that what I was suffering from was a hormonal imbalance and in actuality a biological experience. My son is now MashAllah 5 years old and I Love him to pieces! I’m sure you will come to understand that having a baby does NOT stop you, your career or your way of living. Instead, it is one of the greatest pleasures of life! Recommend

  • Pakistani Agnostic

    Even with my secular and agnostic beliefs, this blog has saddened me a great deal. I hope you and your son develop a good relationship and hope he turns out to be a successful man.
    If you were so against birth, why did you not use contraceptives in the first place? You were living in United States of all places!!Recommend

  • blue

    how can a woman dnt love her own baby its impossible !!! for the sake of a job she decided to abort her baby . GOD grant her world most beautiful gift but she is refusing her just for a job huh….Recommend

  • Saher

    I feel that in these times i am one of the odd one out, everyone around me keeps telling me how scary it is to have a child and raising it is even a worse horror, even my mother-in-law, lol. i got pregnant before i even knew what was happening and although i am working i totally love it and have to keep telling my mother-in-law that it seriously isnt that bad to have children so early in married life and it would be a lot more fun in the house when we have a little baby playing around.

    I know it is hard in these competitive times to have a kid and raise him when you are very career oriented and do want to accomplish something before you settle down to have children, but I would just suggest that once the soul arrives in your womb, never call it unwanted, i may sound like a 80 yr old grandmother but that child came because he had to, it was his time to come and it is his right to be loved unconditionally and never know that he was unplanned. some mothers are not so careful and the psychological effects of knowing that they were unplanned and unwanted stays with them for life. Recommend

  • kay jay

    Sana Tanveer : That’s why only adults should get married.. when someone is ready to be married i think he/she is also ready to get educated about sex, contraceptives and babies along with various STD’s…one must at least remember the consequences of 9 minutes of extreme unprotected pleasure could be disastrous esp if unplanned
    The key here is, i believe, to not indulge in intercourse when you have not even communicated….It’s totally kiddish and the activity itself would be clumsy if you do it on the first night with a complete stranger..This mindset needs to go..
    I strongly advice all the would be Brides to know about contraceptives and speak up when required. make your own decisions after marriage and don’t Regret later!
    If you do not have the guts to ask for knowledge then don’t cry about unplanned pregnancies or deliveries in the first 10 months of marriage !Recommend

  • umarz

    a great post indeed, thumbs up!
    you took your emotions and spoke up that many ppl have in their minds and they feel the same wayRecommend

  • random12

    Sad what you went through. But you should get a grip on yourself now and come to terms with reality. Nurture your child with the love and care he deserves, lest its too late and he is a grown-up/ adult reciprocating the same apathy, or become someone with a hole in his personality, that, as i said, would be too late for a realization on your part. Recommend

  • Ambitious woman and working mother

    I know raising a child is most difficult job even if one is happy mother. In your case, it must feel like hell. Once you have babies, your own life is gone. I am career oriented person, doing full time job and have two babies, aged 7 months and 3 years, I wait for days when I have 3 hours of undisturbed sleep. But I love them, I love my babies, I can sacrifice anything for their happiness and smile on their faces. Children are most beautiful gift of Allah, now that your baby is in this world, please love him and don’t ever make him feel that he was unwanted. Your career is materialistic thing; you can have it anytime when you find right kind of job, but your baby will never find confidence and happiness, if he comes to know that he was unwanted. Compare your career to his life; see which one now is more important. In order to be a successful and stable person, he needs your love, don’t deprive him of it.Recommend

  • Ayesha

    Thank you for sharing your experience.

    I am sure you have gone through a nerve wrecking experience which has not gotten any better over time. I’d just like to tell you that you can still have a career and a job, keep looking and I am sure things will begin to look up.

    Noone’s a ready-made mother. We have to take on responsibilities as they come into our lives. We build relationships with our children too and it doesn’t happen over night. Its a fact that women were made to give birth but it doesn’t make us any less human. We have aspirations and some of us are never ready for motherhood. Society and family pressure push us into that role, Unfortunately we dont have support if we want to break away from the status quo.

    Its important to analyse your own needs and be able to make adjustments when and where necessary. Stand up for what you believe and do what you think is right. May the best come to you and your little one!Recommend

  • A Rehman

    Nowadays the world seems to be full of women who want to conceive and can’t and women who are using contraceptives yet manage to become pregnant. Either way, motherhood is a life-transforming, powerful milestone that changes one’s life forever. The transition is different for each woman, depending on her situation (age, life goals, occupation, availability of help, degree of ”hands on” mothering desired/required) but it’s not easy for anyone – ask your own mother, your sister, your wife.

    HAVING SAID THAT it is important to remember that for babies and small children in particular, mothers are the chief protector/nourisher/tutor/role model/general centre of the universe. Any negativity will be sensed by them immediately – pity parties must be conducted after they have gone to bed! Mothers have a tough job and more is asked of them than is fair sometimes, but that precious little baby deserves the best care his mama can provide, not a resentful martyr.

    Postpartum depression is very common – the mother must seek treatment for both her sake and her child’s and everyone else must give her the understanding and support that she needs.Recommend

  • ahad

    Kudos for having the courage to write this down. Don’t listen to those who would rather preach their own version of reality to you.

    There may be things you did/wrote I may not agree with but I can understand why you did what you did. What’s happened has happened. Life deals you with many cards and even from this blogpost, I can tell you can be strong enough to achieve not just what you want but to keep your family happy.

    Good luck!Recommend

  • http://www.sanahameedbaba.weebly.com Sana Hameed Baba

    @Hassan Kamal:
    Everyone has their own route to follow I guess.Recommend

  • citizen

    very depressing and in outlook a selfish piece of writing. But it portrays feeling of many women.Most of them get over depression after baby is born, few still remain in agony. I wish you all the best to overcome your period of difficulty.Recommend

  • Author

    @ahad:
    Thank you Ahad, your reply to my blogpost is better than any kind of counseling or family advises or any other forms of preaching showered by most of the commentators here. I did not have an an iota of hope to hear the most unbiased criticism in response to what I wrote. Recommend

  • Author

    @Haq:
    In contrast to, how you do not want me to tell the world of what I feel, I’d say, sometimes the best counseling or therapy for depression is, when we have someone who is there to “LISTEN”our problems without preaching their dogmas and their version of reality. Therefore, I do feel the need to tell the world the worst of what I feel, because, societal pressure of keeping the worst feelings within is the number one cause of depression among new mothers, which in turn contributes to depression in their children while they are growing up. Recommend

  • Gullible Nomore

    For all the jerks offs who think the author should’ve used contraceptives. Go read the warning label on those contraceptives, none of them are 100%. GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT!Recommend

  • Author’s Husband

    The author and I love our kid more than anything in this world. The period she has described was difficult for the both of us but life’s getting back to normal-ish little by little. The baby is loved and every moment of his life cherished! Thanks for your concern!Recommend

  • Author

    @F:
    Thank you for your most encouraging words. I wrote only to see whether we still have people like you who appreciate bitter honesty coming from a woman of our society.
    And I must say you truly deserved the “Best Diarist” at the Pakistan Blog Awards 2011.Recommend

  • Disgusted

    Such a thankless mother you are..I pray God does’nt take this thanklessness of yours out from your poor baby..I know a woman who was as thankless as you ..and then the baby died..you still have time to correct your selfish thoughts woman..Recommend

  • http://azimyasin.wordpress.com Azeem

    Imagine your child growing up to an adult and happen to come across this article , Finding out he was unwanted , I do respect you have lot to say about you being a mom but expressing your thoughts on a platform that some point in time in your life you child may come across is quite scary. You’re married and you do have your husband whom you can discuss / share your feelings .

    You might re-consider voicing your opinions using some other platform.

    Regards,
    Azeem Recommend

  • citizen

    @Azeem:
    well said .Recommend

  • http://nabihameher.wordpress.com Nabiha Meher Shaikh

    “What if your child reads this” comments are an attempt to silence to the author. It takes a lot of courage to write so honestly.

    here’s what I think the child will think: the child will think “I am so damn proud of having a mother who can be so honest. I am proud of the fact that my conception lead to such a meaningful dialogue. I am rational enough to know that even if my mother didn’t want me then, she loves me now and always will.”

    Why do I think this? Because the author comes across as a very sensible person, one honest enough to be able to admit all this in public. I doubt she’d raise a fragile soul who would get shattered upon reading this.

    And all of you saying “what if the kid finds this” are making an assumption: that she won’t ever tell her kid this. Who do you know? This is as ridiculous as asking people who have adopted a kid not to write about it publicly.Recommend

  • Author

    @Azeem: and to all those who are so concerned about my baby finding out all this.

    I respect your concerns regarding my baby but honestly, I really do not need to reconsider what platform I should have picked to voice my feelings. Because, if I can write all this, I know I am sound enough to deal with the consequences as well. And before my baby finds out, I will make him understand that before preaching, cursing, or blaming the person, consider yourself in that situation. Lastly, I will let him know that there is no formula of a perfect human being or a perfect mother. The bottom line is, all of those who think I am selfish, selfless, and a thankless mother …guess what, maybe you were all wanted babies of your mothers but, I am sorry to say I don’t see a good understanding soul inside you all. Which proves that it’s not only motherhood to be blamed, once you become an adult, it depends on how you want to grow as an human being depending on what you choose to broaden your mindset and attitude toward others.Recommend

  • sad

    this is freaking me out the author and her husband are reading the comments. hey listen all women go through this phase and that is why a mother has the most important position in any body’s life. one has to loose something in order to gain something. take care of your baby and don’t waste time writing this stuff. its sad! no matter how tough is the time with the baby one should cherish this blessing. believe me i have seen people dying for it and specially parents of an abnormal babies, that is called TOUGH. please correct your useless and selfish thoughts. don’t strain the name of a mother. i feel sorry for your baby. Recommend

  • Gullible Nomore

    @Disgusted:
    Since my earlier comment got moderated, let me tone it down a touch.
    I too know a woman who prayed and prayed for a baby, she finally had one and loved the baby to death. But as it turned out, that baby died. What would be your explanation to that sir? And no “Allah ki maslaihat (Allah works in mysterious ways)” or “Allah apnay bando ka imtehaan laita hay(Allah tests his beloved servants)” doesn’t count. Recommend

  • Disgusted

    @ Gullible Nomore
    One thing that Allah does not like at all and which is repeatedly condemned in the Quran is “NASHUKRI” …and for the case you mentioned…”SABR and SHUKAR” both are mentioned side by side in Quran..and Allah loves BOTH…and yes ..abortion is a murder ..the writer and many “educated” people around here are not aware of this fact :)Recommend

  • http://azimyasin.wordpress.com Azeem

    @ Author

    That was just an opinion, Best of luck with the unwanted one :) (Y)

    Regards,
    AzeemRecommend

  • Author

    @Azeem:
    So you call this your opinion:
    “Imagine your child growing and finding out he was unwanted …in your life you child may come across is quite scary. You’re married and you do have your husband whom you can discuss / share your feelings. You might re-consider voicing your opinions using some other platform. Best of luck with the unwanted one.”

    Is this really how you give opinions…by using words like ” quite scary”…or best of luck with “the unwanted one” to others …as if you really care about their future…or is it an attempt to silence them by scaring them with the stereotypical consequences that exists only to stop women from voicing the other side of women related issues.
    This seems to be the reason why our nation is stuck in a deep quagmire of hypocrisy and discrimination against women rights.

    @Sad
    I think you are wasting your energy by telling me all this “don’t waste time writing this stuff. believe me i have seen people dying for it and specially parents of an abnormal babies, that is called TOUGH. please correct your useless and selfish thoughts. don’t strain the name of a mother. i feel sorry for your baby.” ………..I do not believe in your intolerant thinking and knowledge on the subject I discussed. So that means I need to write more to get the message across.Recommend

  • Gullible Nomore

    @Disgusted:
    But since Allah is all knowing and knows the future and the past and the heavens and the earths. Then he must also know that the person he’s giving that baby as a “gift” will thankless. If so, then why waste an innocent baby’s life over something he already knows!

    I know for a fact that this comment is not going to be published. ET you have double standards. A religious freak can get away with their illogical mumblings but logic from an irreligious person is moderated. BRAVO!Recommend

  • Gullible Nomore

    @sad:
    I feel sorry for your intellect!Recommend

  • Anamm

    I got married at 22 and right after my marriage, my mother in law started pestering me to get pregnant… I did not want to get pregnant right away btu had to under pressure … theres a time for everything n I hate mother in laws who force u to get pregnant… Recommend

  • Author

    @Anamm:
    That’s my point Anamm…when are we going to start listening to our minds and bodies and stop listening to what others want us to do. This write-up is to let our women know that they are sound enough to decide what they want to do with their lives and bodies. This discussion is not intended to feel sorry for what I went through, but, to create awareness among our women to put a full stop to societal pressures and restrictions related to our life-cycle.Recommend

  • Disgusted

    @Gullible Nomore
    I am not a religious “Freak”..I am an educated married woman myself…and I don’t consider myself a perfect Muslim either…I only gave a reference from the Quran..If you find that offending, and call me a religious freak for that, then I am sorry. Its a pity we Muslims start feeling offended when someone relates Islamic teachings or quotes a reference from the Quran or hadith.
    and yes ET did mention your comment..now relax and take a chill pill.Recommend

  • Author

    @Disgusted:

    Such a judgmental educated mother you are..You still have time to correct your blatantly biased thoughts towards other women…Recommend

  • Gullible Nomore

    @Disgusted:
    Its the best argument ‘religious’ people come up with saying ‘oh we’re not good muslims ourselves’. if you arent such a good muslim then why in the world are you being all preachy and telling us what your fairy taled book has to say? Go get your own ‘religiosity’ in order before going on a preaching rampage! Thank you very much!Recommend

  • Disgusted

    @Author
    “Educated” just like you :) ..and sorry i forgot that people hate advices..especially if an Islamic reference is given along with them…and by the way when you write an article you should be open to both positive and negative comments…which unfortunately is not the case with you… I never myself judged you..you called yourself a “stone cold” mother in your article :) guess who is judging who now :) its okay..we are an intolerant nation by nature..so i can understand.Recommend

  • Disgusted

    and btw post partum depression is something else..which every mother goes through and is understandable ….and having a stone cold heart is something else :)
    Period.Recommend

  • Gullible Nomore

    @Disgusted:
    You’re missing the point. The point is, no one has the right to invoke ‘islamic reference’ to judge anyone, especially when they themselves arent ‘good muslims’. Heck! even if they are the best muslims on the planet, they still don’t have the right to be judgmental based on their ‘beliefs’. Recommend

  • Gullible Nomore

    @Disgusted:
    Besides, you or I don’t know what the author’s religious beliefs are. I personally don’t give a hoot about what her beliefs may be. She wrote about how she felt during an important part of her life. Why do you or anyone else have to bombard her with their sets of beliefs?Recommend

  • Author

    @Disgusted:

    Education does not guarantee broadmindedness and empathy. And yes you did forget that I specifically mentioned that this write up is not to gain sympathy or advices on what I went through …this is for the awareness of those who might have gone or have been going through the similar situation. And I am still open to criticism but not to hate-laden comment like this where you have already perceived that I am “Such a thankless mother you are….you not only judged me but you predicted about the nature of my baby as well…”I pray God does’nt take this thanklessness of yours out from your poor baby..I know a woman who was as thankless as you ..and then the baby died..you still have time to correct your selfish thoughts woman..”

    So please think and analyze what is the difference between passing hatred and judgement. And if you are so much fond of quoting Islamic reference for every problem then please find some that tells you the difference between hatred and advices. And how to control the habit of moral policing attitude towards others. Recommend

  • Author

    @Disgusted:
    And btw how many postpartum or stone-cold mothers have you met? Are you a counselor or lady health worker or women’s health researcher who can talk about the difference with such confidence, which sounds more like a close-minded and tunnel-visioned approach towards the issue. My suggestion to you is, start thinking away from what you been told to think and act. Recommend

  • Disgusted

    @ Author

    :)))) I feel sorry for your limited knowledge and narrow view of the world. Good luck with your writing :) Recommend

  • Author

    @Disgusted:

    I feel sorry that being a woman you have such judgmental views about this aspect of womanhood. It is true, that our women needs to be educated more about different women-related issues more than men. Recommend

  • Author

    @Disgusted:

    Also, I do not appreciate the idea of receiving any good lucks from people who get disgusted on the awareness of issues related to women’s control over their bodies.Recommend

  • sara

    Ever heard of birth control?Recommend

  • Nobody

    @Disgusted:
    Nasty and unnecessarily ugly comment. Why don’t you learn to keep your filthy hateful comments to yourself. You have no right to judge ANYONE. Recommend

  • Disgusted

    @nobody.
    its the author who has been judging me throughout..I never judged her…first she judged her herself and now she is disliking the criticism..she is right she really is too immature to be ready to become a mother..im sorry i wasted my time here..and whoever you are..stop changing names..i didnt write anything “nasty” or “ugly” ..Reality bites no doubt.Recommend

  • Gullible Nomore

    @Disgusted:
    I don’t know if you have complete grasp of the english language but the following are called JUDGMENTAL statements. Its always easy to criticize others while you yourself are even worse. Cheers!
    “Such a thankless mother you are”,
    “still have time to correct your selfish thoughts woman”,
    “and sorry i forgot that people hate advices..especially if an Islamic reference is given along with them”,
    “should be open to both positive and negative comments…which unfortunately is not the case with you” – So you agree that what you’re writing are NEGATIVE comments? AWESOME!
    “I feel sorry for your limited knowledge and narrow view of the world”Recommend

  • Disgusted

    @ Above:
    That was all in response to me being judged…now relax :) I can also quote each and every “judgemental” statement being said about me but I am not a kiddo. All i said in my first comment was to be always grateful to Allah whether in good or bad circumstances..because that is what we Muslims believe in..and I also said that abortion is a murder…and you people made a mess out of it..and it is not necessary to be a religious scholar in order to share a piece of knowledge with someone. If one does’nt want to follow or learn about religion…they should boldly say so..but dont create justifications for not doing that..A true author/ should have a heart to analyze criticism and use it constructively…because that is what leads to eventual perfection…but forget it..and I dont understand why out of the dozens of hateful comments, you people targeted only mine…(oh i referred to religion thats why) I am disappointed and outta here for good. Recommend

  • Gullible Nomore

    @Disgusted/Above/Over/Under (whatever):
    Ma’m just the way you “advised” the author to be able to take your negative comments, you should also be able to take the flak for your overt show of religiosity! Since you’re such a moral and a “bigger” person you should have shown some character and not delve in the same judgmental slur, but since you’re not so…Anyways, the author did not mention her religion for whatever reasons; perhaps she’s not religious or perhaps she doesn’t think its anyone’s business to preach her their twisted interpretation of religion. Religion is her personal matter, who in the world are you to teach her what is right or what is wrong, WHO HAS GIVEN YOU THAT RIGHT? Especially when you’re not a maulana or a “good muslim”. It isn’t your duty to quote a bronze age manual to justify your position or make her look bad or reach a higher moral ground infront of your god or whatever your irrationality is making you believe.
    This piece was about how she felt during her pregnancy, why the heck does she have to announce her RELIGIOUS beliefs here? It is totally absurd! By the way you were targeted exactly because you used religion, that too in the most twisted way possible. Have a good ‘moral’ life! Gracias!Recommend