Fyez Ahmed

A Dubai based writer who tweets once a month @fyezeatscake (twitter.com/fyezeatscake)

“This isn’t Hollywood. Stop trying to save the girl!”

You only caught a glimpse of the girl as she walked down the corridor. She had short hair. You reverted the news back to your friends. “A girl has moved into the room next door.” You live in a shared apartment. Everyone was excited. Your friends had called to congratulate you. “What does she look like?” “She has short hair.” “That’s a good start.” You heard the sounds of cardboard boxes being dragged down the corridor, and you realised that this is the most opportune time to clear your room off the dishes that had been piling up in one corner. You take your glasses off, ...

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Measuring a massacre – Should we mourn for longer? Louder?

Out of a student body of a little over 1000, 132 children are dead. At a moment like this, how do you quantify tragedy? If a thousand children were standing in line, every tenth child was shot and killed. One in 10. “One in 10 children worldwide has no access to schooling.” One in 10 families whose children went to Army Public School (APS) probably wish this statistic applied to them. “There are 1.6 hours of dream consciousness for every 16 hours of waking consciousness; this means that your chance of dreaming at any given moment is one in 10.” There is a one in 10 ...

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Star Wars: Not just a geek thing

“Is it actually good?” “That’s a stupid question.” “So should I watch Star Wars first or Star Trek?” “That’s your decision. To choose to watch Star Trek after watching Star Wars. I won’t force you.” “But isn’t Star Wars a part of Star Trek?” It never gets easier. Although, I felt I had grown out of the vitriolic debates, the infinity loop arguments, the ‘did-Han-Shoot-First’s, the ‘did-Boba-Die-In-The-Sarlacc-Pit’s. It does not end. Star Wars has been around for far too long and has too many obsessed fans. It wasn’t required of me to be the torch-bearer in its defence. Just breathe. It is not your job to convert the ignorant. Yes, your friend did have the audacity ...

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From the dark and dreary world of a journalist

Working for a newspaper tends to change a person. I’ve yet to figure out if it’s for the better. I do know that the few odd months before I started working here I was a different person in many ways. These are not only changes you see when you look at yourself in the mirror – the few times you do look in the mirror because the first thing that seems to go is your sense of self-worth – but traits and mannerisms which others point out did not exist before. I don’t know if other newspapers follow the same rule ...

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The importance of being idle

Something within me changed recently. I became a productive, contributing member of society and I started doing my own laundry. It doesn’t stop here. Once you wind up on the path of being a citizen in every sense of the world, stained and wrinkled attire just does not feel right. Yes, I have a job, and yes, I earn money. Yes, I can splurge with reckless abandon and I owe it all to being bored of being bored. If slackers had a monthly supplement, I swear to you I would have graced its covers a few times over. Lying in bed ...

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Lusting for heroin, living in excess

My friends always did seem to be perpetually waiting for something.  They wanted an explosion of culture and expression and art to suddenly rip open their city, something that they could be a part of. The explosion never came and they got tired of waiting. The paradigm shifted from making music, writing poetry and actually being productive to watching Basketball Diaries and Trainspotting, listening to Alice in Chains and Stone Temple Pilots. “They did heroin you know?” “We should do heroin.’’ “Why?” ‘’Because. What else can we do?’’ I saw it happen, this whole fascination with Americana and the people who made it – for ...

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How to avoid getting slapped

Recent events have led me to believe that this world is a very dangerous place. Teachers get slapped at polling stations, bouts of amnesia suggest that politicians don’t believe the accused is the accused at all and then politician’s claim the slap never occurred, contrary to video footage! Even after you pardon the person who slapped you, there may be naysayers who say you were never actually slapped at all!! How are we supposed to protect ourselves from the inevitable? In these troubled times getting slapped has become a greater threat than ever before. While PPP’s Waheeda Shah seems to be the new ...

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