To ban or not to ban …Shezan juice
A couple of weeks back, the Jamaatud Dawa held a well-attended rally in Rawalpindi to remove an Ahmadi religious centre from Satellite Town. Even though neighbours claimed to have no issues with its presence, the assault on this myopically-perceived menace seems far from over. Just take the little-reported effort to ban a local cell phone company due to its ‘questionable ownership’. Although proven to be non-Ahmadi owned, the company still raises suspicion because it starts with the same letter that a derogatory term for Ahmadis does. Apparently, a flaw in their phones’ Urdu dictionary which made it impossible to type the ...
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Tali-ban(d), baja, baraat!
In the tradition of banning Facebook, motorcycle double sawaari, and kite flying, the Pakistan government is now proud to introduce to you the new ban – the Taliban. A peace deal has been brokered by this year’s PHD winner Rehman Malik (earlier won for making ‘peaces’ of Karachi) between the government and the Taliban. The group has accepted and are now in talks with the PPP to form a coalition government in which the Taliban will have sole rights to make all the decisions for Pakistan. The conservatives are pleased while the liberals have packed their bags and bought their tickets. ...
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With Moin Akhtar, a piece of my childhood dies
Those who remember the 80s well will also be familiar with the brilliance that existed on Pakistan Television (PTV) at that time. In days of severe censorship and fear of the government, PTV (especially its Karachi centre) always found ways of subverting the system and poking fun at the dictator and his lackeys. There were three names, Anwar Maqsood, Bushra Ansari and Moin Akhtar, who were the mainstay of such satire where things had to be said subtly in order pass through the censor board. In a rather twisted bit of irony, PTV’s golden days of comedy died with Ziaul ...
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How to run the economy (for dummies)
Anyone can run the economy. Ask any lawmaker and he’ll point out exactly what is wrong with the economy, what is needed to fix it and what conspiracy has prevented a solution from being implemented. But the economy is still alive and kicking and the country has not defaulted on its sovereign debt just yet. The following is a collection of ‘winning’ arguments that have been presented by legislators. It is important to note here that even monkeys have been known to run an economy quite efficiently. I’m sure we can do better. Here’s what they said: 1. Eat less sugar – A legislator ...
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Confessions of a fundamentalist: We’re going to get you
I have a confession to make: I am what some of you might call a fundo : a fundo strategist to be precise. I was recruited in secret by a group of people calling themselves the “Tehreek-i-Nifaaz-i-Duniya-i-Jahaane-Musalmaniya-Pakistan.” It is a top secret group made of representatives from different religious parties, banned outfits, sympathisers and financiers. Our group composition Our group operates like a small company. We have an an established mission (evident from our name) and a chain of command: nigraan-e-nizameen (board of directors) markaz-e-tazobarkar (core strategy group) majmuah-e-teelibaaz (general workers) I am the naib chaalbaaz (deputy strategist) and report to the emir chaalbaaz (chief ...
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My adventures on Shaadi dot com
Dear Diary, It is day one of my attempt to get married online, which as you may know is quite unconventional for a male to undertake on his own. However, I have decided to pursue this online adventure as I feel the need to settle down, and what the hell, I met my first girlfriend in an IRC chat room so I know there is a good chance this might work out. Shaadi.com tells me the odds are totally in my favour. The website claims to be the internet’s largest matrimonial service which has ‘touched over 20 million people’. They also ...
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An open letter to Ijaz Butt
Dear Butt Saab, I must confess, wholeheartedly enough, that I am a big admirer of the way you’ve run Pakistani cricket. Quite professionally, to the best of my knowledge. Equally, you have done an awful lot for Pakistani cricket, both within the country and the larger international stage. Your tenure as the Pakistan Cricket Board Chairman, a post you largely acquired by a typical sub-continental virtue of jugaad, is perhaps hailed as the Golden Age of Pakistani cricket, leaving behind mortals like Abdul Hafeez Kardar who did nothing. You have presided over a period in Pakistan cricket, which was full of achievements galore. ...
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Welcome to the Dr Morning Glory Show
As the opening music fades out the face of an over-friendly host fills the screen. Dr. Morning Glory: Hello! Welcome to the show. I hope all of you are doing great! Today we have a fabulous celebrity guest with us. He has been a model, painter, singer, writer and has also been working as a social activist for the past few years. *Applause* Welcome to the show! All our viewers are dying to hear more about you. So let’s start! How did you start modeling? Random Celebrity X: Actually, I was never a model. In fact… Dr. Morning Glory: Oh? Never? I thought you ...
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Beggarazzi
Anyone who has visited Pakistan can’t help but notice the multitude of beggars. It may sound callous but their constant prodding for money can grow tiring. Sometimes we acquiesce, sometimes we ignore them and sometimes we have the urge to curse them (we rarely do - this entails lowering the windows of our air conditioned cars and no one wants to waste cool air, its bad for the environment.) But I think we should be constructive and find a solution. None of the lame, pay the kids to go to school, give hand outs, or make the government give them jobs. Everyone has ...
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