Professional beggars: More greedy than needy
Allah keh naam par 10 rupay dey dey beta. (Please give me Rs10 in God’s name, son.) Roti khila dey, tujhey ek naik aur khubsurat biwi miley. (Give me bread to eat and you will find a beautiful, decent wife) How many times have we heard this and cringed from deep within? Such phrases are played like rhythmic rhetoric every time you park your car on a signal. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a feudal lord’s son who will throw acid on his wife, neither do I commute in a chauffeur driven, air-conditioned SUV. I’m a common Pakistani who walks the same streets like millions other ...
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Hafiz Saeed: The (10) million dollar man
Ten million dollars. Not one, not five, 10! This is it Pakistanis. If you don’t take this opportunity, you have no one else to blame but yourself for not winning this lottery. Easier than any question asked by Amitabh Bachchan on KBC, this is the fastest, surest way to the top guys. America has answered your prayers and you can get out of poverty – now! Even with the usual 10% ‘charges’, this would leave you with a cool $9 million. Move to Karachi, officially the world’s cheapest city, and live the rest of your life in a nice bungalow with ...
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How the mighty dollar weakens the rupee
Money only holds value because there are goods and services available to buy with that money. It is the goods and services that create a value for that money. Coconut water would be more valuable on a treasure island than kilos of gold. In that circumstance, it’s not the value of coconut water that has increased, but the diminished value of gold that is being reflected. The fewer goods and services available, the lesser the value of money – even if it is a pile of gold. Pakistan currently produces cotton, rice, fish, fruit, vegetables, pulses and much more. These ...
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A dummy’s guide to corruption
Corruption is shameful. But when no one is looking it may become tempting. For those who land a government job in our beloved country with large funds at their disposal. Here is some advice on how to sell your soul: Kill your conscience: Corruption is not for the weak-hearted. You have to believe that it is not a sin but your right to survive in this competitive world. You need to keep telling yourself that if you make enough money, you will do some charity work for your fellow countrymen. Educate yourself: Don’t make the fatal mistake of choosing your designation ...
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10 things nosy ‘Pak’ers love to ask
Do you ever get riled up by busybodies asking annoying questions to ‘place’ people in their social world? Well, here are some conveniently snappy answers we wish we could respond with (you might even get away with some of them if you did; sarcasm is often lost on the unwitting). 1. Have you found anyone eligible yet? Yes (enter Mashallah), I have won the marriage lottery! She/he is, Mashallah, loaded and divorced only thrice. 2. Who is your father? He is Mian/Chaudhry (enter name) and owns (enter name of mill/bank). 3. What does your husband do? See answer number 2 please. 4. What village are you from? It doesn’t matter if you have never seen ...
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10 things I hate about Hindi soaps
I have always been impressed by how Bollywood has emerged as an internationally renowned entertainment industry. People from all backgrounds, even in Pakistan, keep a close watch on the happenings in Bollywood, despite the silly India-Pakistan strife. I love India and Indian people, and let me make clear before I begin that I do not intend to attack or offend anyone through this post. I am merely highlighting some aspects of Indian soaps which I find amusing. So without further ado, let me begin my list of the ten things I hate about Indian soaps: 1. They are endless: To put it simply, ...
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No more loans, please
It’s common to hear people quote the dollar amount the United States spends annually on its wars and homeland security — and put next to it the money needed to end world poverty, Aids, cancer or malaria. One such comparison is that the US has spent $980 billion in Iraq since 2003, which is enough to wipe out world poverty for 10 years. According to another estimate, the United States can control malaria deaths in Africa by diverting 3.7 per cent of its $81 billion annual budget for national intelligence. I’m not pro-war. Neither do I approve of heavy military spending ...
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Help! I’m a shopaholic
Dear Miss Informed, I am a shopaholic. I can’t stop myself from buying things regardless of whether I need them or not. Even if it is a good day, and I am not blue, I just have to get out of my house and buy something, be it shampoo or a handbag. My condition is so severe that my arms ache when I’m not holding shopping bags. If the malls are closed, I press my nose to shop windows and try to smell the clothes I would have bought if I could get in. My fingers itch, and I feel the irrepressible urge to ...
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The cleverest trick
How often it is that we end up taking things for granted; from having a blessed existence to having a lovely home; being loved by our loved ones and the overwhelming feeling of belonging while reconnecting with family and friends on Eid. But rarely do we pause to think of the unfortunate souls who are devoid of our blessings – those who live on the streets of this megalopolis. A few days before Eid, I was walking down Gulfway Shopping Mall in Clifton, when I saw a boy, no more than 10 years of age, begging from a woman. Brushing ...
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Banks don’t need to prove 2.5% of my faith
“Get your money out of your account before the first of the Ramzan or they’ll deduct zakat,” warned a text message I received from an anonymous well wisher. I have a phobia of banks (along with hospitals and airports) and dread the very thought of finding my checkbook for a trip to bank. Getting smaller chunks of cash from the ATM machine equally abhors me. So when I saw the text I did some mental math to calculate the bucks the bank would cut in the name of zakat, from my hard earned savings. The calculated sum didn’t seem like ...
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